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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
only4tonight · 24/04/2012 22:22

Could you visit your brother for the night? Another change of scene and someone who loves you may be just what you need.

I have said it a million times PLEASE don't give him money. It will just be the start. Once he knows he can get what he wants he will play you again and again. If you give in it will NEVER end!

YES YES to making new friends. Find a hobby and go meet people. We all like you thereis no need to feel rejected or scared there will always be people who are ready to accept new people into their lives.

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 24/04/2012 22:27

Delurking to say that I bet he is under pressure from the OW as he will have bigged himself up to her as a businessman. So she is pushing him to prove it! That's why he is coming to you for money. Don't give her the satisfaction - you owe him nothing!

meredeux · 24/04/2012 22:32

If you offer him something, what makes you think he would accept it? If I was in his place i would reject it, but I'd keep proof of your offer and say that it shows that even you think he is owed money.

I am sorry he has let you down some more. I guess his business is not working out as well as he thought it would? Aaah well, I guess he'll just not have much spare cash to lavish on the OW. Life's sad for people like them, isn't it?

Please keep your chin up. You've done well so far, and its only a little further to go and then you'll be ok again. All you need is a job, the new friendships it will provide and your ex to get out of your hair.

midwife99 · 24/04/2012 22:39

Please listen to collaborate on your thread on legal. Don't answer calls, don't offer anything. If you get a letter from him ignore it. If you get a proper court summons via his solicitor (if he ever bothers getting one which I doubt!!) then ask collaborate to act for you professionally & nip it in the bud.

Startingagain88 · 24/04/2012 22:58

Further news!!

When he spoke to me yesterday he said that he had no money (which is a lie because he has been working) and that he couldn't pay his phone bill or for his car........ and was pressuring me for money.....

Now.....i still get some of his emails as there is a copy redirect to my email account... (so he didn't miss any business emails) he and OW have booked a long weekend away five star hotel the lot and he has no money :)

WHAT A WANKER

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fedupofnamechanging · 24/04/2012 23:04

Starting, why are you still taking his calls? The very best thing you could do, would be to cut off all contact. If he wants to put pressure on you for money, then let him go via his solicitor - every time you speak to him you make it easy for him to pressure you and harder for you to get distance from him.

Please change your phone numbers (once you have heard about these jobs).

He is a wanker, but now you've got to stop engaging and make it as hard and expensive as possible for him to contact you.

izzyizin · 24/04/2012 23:08

After telling you he didn't want anything, he's renewed the old bluff and bluster routine.

You also know that if you are stupid enough to give him money, exactly what he'll spend it on.

Do you think this is enough for you to get goddamn angry and tell him where to go next time he tries it on?

Has his crap gone from your garage?

Startingagain88 · 24/04/2012 23:08

I have actually been no contact for a week, but as i was waiting for calls regarding the interviews and his number normally shows up as him, when i received an unknown number call i answered it :( wont be doing that again.......

OP posts:
izzyizin · 24/04/2012 23:14

When you spoke to him what did you say to him? And has he cleared the garage?

Startingagain88 · 24/04/2012 23:16

Exactly Izzy, I'm getting there! :) What a manipulative liar..... apparently he is skint...and the worry is giving him an ulcer...he really thinks i am a stupid idiot who will do what i have always done and 'help him out'.

He would clean me out so he can take the bitch who has been sending me horrible texts on a few crappy holidays....while im here distraught, alone and on AD's, what a heartless bastard.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 24/04/2012 23:45

If you're waiting for call sre jobs, of course you have to answer the phone so you need to have a prepared speech to recite to him when he calls again - note when as you can put money on him not having given up yet.

Next time he tries it on cut him short and assertively (ie. calmly and slowly in a clear, firm, voice) say 'I am telling you this once, and once only, and I want you to understand that I mean every word I am about to say. Hell will freeze over before you get another penny out of me and should you find a solicitor dumb enough to contradict what I've been told, I will fight you tooth and nail in Court. This is all I have to say to you and if you call me again or attempt to make contact with me in any other way, I will report you to the police for harassment'. After you've said your piece, hang up the phone.

PLEASE NOTE: do not put the above in writing or text - it is to be said once only and, should there be occasion thereafter, it is to be referred to as 'I've said my piece and my position has not altered'. Followed by 'now fuck off' if you feel so inclined.

Given the nature of the man, this won't necessarily stop him from continuing to make demands on you and, of course, he's got the ow to play nasty cop to what will be his next role as nice cop as he's resorts to 'I never wanted to hurt you, I only want what's fair, let's be friends' and other such shite to convince you to part with what is legally, solely, and rightfully, yours and yours alone.

Know that you're strong, confident, and capable, and on the basis that we're all related, channel Elizabeth as the Spanish Armada headed towards these shores: 'I know I have but the body of a weak and feeble woman but I have the heart of a King, and a King of England, too'. Feel that energy empower you as you see this fucker off once and for all.

Or channel Catherine Tate's 'Am I bovvered' Grin

Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 00:30

Izzy, you're brilliant, can you come and live with me for the next few months??

I suppose i never thought he would lie through his teeth to extort money from me but that is exactly what is he doing...... hasn't he had enough already?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 25/04/2012 00:47

You've already got a crowded house, honey - pinkwellies, your db, and half of mumsnet are in your corner and willing you on to see this lying piece of gobshite off once and for all.

If you ever get stuck for words to say to him, tell him 'I'll get back to you' and post here where inspiration can be found.

The rose tinted specs have been smashed; you can see him for he really is and you can and will get your message over to him - and, by default, to the ow who's swallowed his delusions of grandeur hook, line, and sinker.

She'll learn as you have done and, until then, she can draw on her own resources to keep him in the style he became accustomed to while living with you.

When are they flitting off on their 5* break? Expect him or her to renew demands within hours of their return - at which point he might genuinely be broke but, of course, that won't be your problem.

izzyizin · 25/04/2012 00:55

Graduates (Dip Phil*) of St Twuntbert's Academy can be found all over this board and there's no shortage in rl either but, simply by virtue of his attempts to extort money out of you, yours has to take the Biscuit.

Arsehole, twat, gobshite, bellend, dickhead, fucker, cunt; there's no profanities that do him justice

*Diploma in Philandering

midwife99 · 25/04/2012 07:33

Oh izzy you are brilliant Grin

southlundon · 25/04/2012 07:48

What a fucker. Izzy is brilliant - definitely take her suggestion up. And if he calls again, I'd just hang up on him.

Or simply don't take calls from withheld/unknown numbers. If it is about the job interviews they will leave a message. On a related note re: job interviews, if you call them for feedback before you've heard, that is a sign of enthusiasm and that might take your mind from worrying if you're going to miss their calls?

Keep the evidence of the bastard 5* break for your solicitor!

midwife99 · 25/04/2012 07:55

Yeah why do you need to speak to him ever again? No kids, no shared property. Good riddance fuckwit! New number I reckon!!

KirstyWirsty · 25/04/2012 08:32

Hi Starting you owe him nothing, nada, SFA!

Do not be even tempted to offer him anything - he will not take you to court and even in the unlikely event that he went that far he would be on a hiding to nothing as Collaborate has told you

He thinks you are a soft touch!

He thinks you are an idiot who will do what he wants!!

He thinks he can take you for everything - and legally he CANNOT!

What do YOU care if he's getting an ulcer?? He's not your responsibility!!!

ARRGGHHHHH!!!!!!

You need to get on with your own life now! He is in your past.

Why are you not angrier about him telling you he has no money and then you get proof that that is not the case?

Why are you not raging in fact?

Are you waiting and hoping he is going to see that the OW is a 'bunny boiler' and come back to you??

Do you really want him back?

(Sorry to be so blunt - but you don't seem to be nearly angry anough with him!)

Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 09:33

Izzy, the problem is I dont have a crowded house and i do get incredibly lonely, he will know thats how im feeling and is trying to take advantage of that.

Kirsty- Hi!-, I was extremely angry about the - five star break but no money-last night fuming actually, but this morning its pissing with rain outside, grey and dark, i feel very down and lonely again.....and i find myself missing him even after all he has done.

I need to find some inner strength from somewhere but i feel so weak its been seven weeks since he left and i need to start moving forward!!

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 09:38

Kirsty- No, i dont want him back.....i want this to have never happened.. i still find it all really sad. That he could walk out on me after 15yrs and now im like a stranger to him....he doesn't care about how i am, or how i am feeling.....i feel like he wants to destroy me completely and in my vulnerable state i get convinced that he can and will do that, and then i panic :(

Still cant quite get my head around how all of this has happened, my life wasn't supposed to be like this :(

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 25/04/2012 09:46

There is nothing for it but to ride out those feelings, starting. They will come... and go...come... and go - it is all part of the process. Can't remember if I've said this before, but Silly Telly can be very helpful.

Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 09:50

Oh god Pink, i just feel so alone,scared and small at the moment- why am i allowing him to do this to me?

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 25/04/2012 10:04

Have a hug, and know that you are not alone. I have to say, I also find the duvet is my friend - it is alright to escape by hiding under it for a little while.

captainmummy · 25/04/2012 10:20

Starting - think about the last 15 years. he expected you to bail him out at every stage,give him money, car, van, food, housing, sex.... and now, as you yourself said, he is back, expecting you to give him some more.

He is NOT your partner any more - he is just some random guy that you know. Would you give this random guy money just because he asked for it? (Correction - OW HAS ASKED FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!)

This jerk is NOT better than being alone. We do not need a man, any man. Certainly not this one.

I would seriously sell up and move away without bothering to tell him - HE IS NOT YOUR PARTNER ANY MORE. He does not have the right to phone you or talk to you or threaten you.

Startingagain88 · 25/04/2012 10:26

Funny enough Pink, i'm in bed now..... everything just seems so overwhelming at the moment and i am sooooo lonely. I will never allow myself to get in this situation again where i have no friends etc to support me as it is a terrible place to be.

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