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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
only4tonight · 15/04/2012 15:33

I would really keep a record of everything. If he is stalking you and taking photos of you, apart from being plain weird, it could well be the start of harassment. You need to let him know it a recordable way, ie text with a delivery report or email, that you construe this to be harassment and any repeat of it will and you will be contacting the police. You have to stop this NOW before it gets out of control.

I am so glad you posted as i/we were getting worried. He is not going to take you growing a pair well and you need to protect yourself. Would your brother be around when he gets the last bits?

Startingagain88 · 15/04/2012 15:56

Hi Only,

No he hates it when i do something that does not dance to his tune!! I think the picture text was definitely a case of trying to 'frighten' me -he is not a violent man, but he has shown himself to be very manipulative these last few weeks!

OP posts:
Doha · 15/04/2012 16:03

Starting love the only way you are going to start moving on is to go no contact with this twunt.
Set a date for him to remove the rest of his stuff then delete or block all texts/emails. You do not need this hassle in your life right now.
If he is wanting money let him go down the legal route and you can counterclaim to recoup the money you spent setting him up in business. He will back off.
Keep a record of all emails as only4 suggests you just never know when you may need them.

RachyRach30 · 15/04/2012 17:17

Hi,

Nice to hear from you

What was the picture he sent to you? V strange.

I think doha has said some good points. No contact and if he wants to try and claim anything g he will have to go to his solicitor and pay the fees to start claiming against you, in which case then you can counter claim against him, therefore it will end up working out that he gets nothing. I don't think he will be able to afford the solicitors anyway so I would call his bluffs.

Something tells me that you are resisting the no contact with him and still hanging on to him. You don't need to feel bad about this.. It's hard to get over somebody you love or loved.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/04/2012 17:43

Starting - I think that sending you the photo was a threat and if I was you, I would talk to the police and get on record that he appears to be stalking you, in an attempt to extort money from you. They probably won't do anything, because he hasn't committed a crime, but you would have an incident number and it would help you to build evidence in case you need it for the future.

Please write down and keep copies of everything he says and does.

Wrt collecting his things - he's had long enough. You really do need to stop letting this drag on. I wouldn't contact him any more, but would simply dispose of his stuff or drop it at a friend of his/his mother's house - anywhere that is your house.

Change your phone number, and your email. Anything he sends you through the post, you need to ignore, unless it comes from his solicitor.

Not to worry you, but if he is taking photo's of you when you out and about, that means he is sitting outside of your house watching you and following you. That needs some kind of action.

I think you are being too passive here - he is still calling the shots to some extent and you need to make yourself much less available. if he can't phone or email you, then his options are limited - he has to turn up unannounced (in which case just call the police and say he is harassing you, because he is) or send letters, which are physical evidence, if threatening but can be ignored otherwise.

Sweetheart, I don't mean to nag, but this really has gone on long enough - time to wrestle control back.

RoxyRobin · 15/04/2012 21:00

Gosh, that's a bit sinister. Puts one in mind of that Police song: 'Every breath you take, every move you make, every step you take I'll be watching you.' Except it's him who's done the vow-breaking and smile-faking.

KirstyWirsty · 15/04/2012 21:37

Hey Startin .. I totally agree with Karma .. and have you changed those locks yet???

KW xx

Startingagain88 · 15/04/2012 22:03

Hi All,

TBH i dont think he is stalking me, as he mentioned that he had seen me in a shopping centre and at the supermarket (on the same day), he told me he was waiting for OW so he probably took a picture of me to show her.

However he has used that same picture to 'freak me out' IYKWIM, he sent the same picture today with 'fat girl' in the text and also has sent a text saying that he knows i wont give him what is 'owed' to him etc....

Ex Been down the pub again! lol!? These communications have shown me one thing- THAT I ABSOLUTELY HATE HIM NOW- locksmith coming tomorrow!!

I have kept all texts and emails......

OP posts:
Doha · 15/04/2012 22:16

Anger is good starting, it will spur you into action.
Now set his dead line to get rid of his junk and cut ALL contact.

KirstyWirsty · 15/04/2012 22:24

GOOD .. about time too :-)

Now what about your mobile and home numbers and your email address???

Kx

fedupofnamechanging · 15/04/2012 23:04

Keep the texts and talk to the police - you don't have to do anything formally, but it wouldn't hurt for them to know about this.

crazynell · 15/04/2012 23:51

hi starting i keep reading your thread - what a prat he is - glad you're ANGRY!

RachyRach30 · 16/04/2012 02:06

Fat girl? What a cheeky git .. He really doesnt sound like much of a catch does he?
You don't owe him anything starting. Hang in there things will get better.

How did the counselling go?

TheLastNameLeft · 16/04/2012 09:01

Wanker Angry

So pleased to read you are getting angry with him now though starting, and please sort out those locks

only4tonight · 16/04/2012 11:09

I have been agonising over whether to post this or not. My nature, and my job, involve me planning for the very worst and hopefully being relieved when something less than that actually happens. So I want to give you some advice but I don't want to frighten you and I don't think this is necessarily what is going to happen it is just worst case scenario iyswim.

You don't think he is stalking you and you don't think he is a violent man, you may well be right. But this time last month you didn't think he was a lieing, manipulative, money grabbing cheat.

Please protect yourself. Get really good locks for those doors, get caller id, smoke alarms and log a call with the police over the harassing texts.

Like I said you are unlikely to need the above. You are probably right. He may just go away whinging and nothing else. But there is no harm in being ready. Like you are with the legal stuff. You know he is unlikely to lodge a claim, but if he does you now know its going nowhere (thanks to collaborate).

I am not saying this to make you worry. At the end of the day you have guard dog bully there so it will most likely all be fine.

If he is following you the best thing you can do is to look happy and be getting on with your life. Did you manage to sort out that pottery class? How are the work feelers going? Volunteering opportunities? You have your life back now go live it. It's the best two fingers you can put up at him.

meredeux · 16/04/2012 12:11

What would it take for you to get a new mobile number and home phone number? A new email address is surely very easy.

Make it so that anything he has to say can only be said in person or in writing, and then ask him to stay away from the in person part lest you report him for harassment.

I guess you are your ex know people in common. Would any of them give him your new contact details? If the answer is a "maybe", then ask them not to.

Isn't it weird when they don't want you but they don't want to let you go?? The same happened to me and I had to move city to get away from him.

Startingagain88 · 16/04/2012 21:27

Hi All,

Received a text from Ex this morning to say it wasn't him who sent the texts he was sorry and he didn't want any money from me!! Well......

He called and said that OW had sent the text as she is insecure about their relationship, he knew it was nasty and he didn't think what she did was right, he said that he doesn't want money from me as he knows that i need to sort the house and get a job etc.

He also said that he needed some space and time, he still cares about me and wants to help me......... after all this recent communication re money etc...im going to go NO CONTACT again as i now need to concentrate on getting myself strong again.

Spoke to solicitor today and organised for locksmith to some unfortunately he couldn't make it till tomorrow......going to stay with pinkwellies for a few days for a change of scenery and some company in the evenings!! Doggy is going to kennels for a week so im also going to get some painting etc done, which can be hard to do with doggy running around.......

All in all im ok :)

OP posts:
meredeux · 16/04/2012 21:48

I'd be tempted to seize on that and send him an email saying thanks for phone call. Appreciate him saying that he does not want to make any financial claim. Then just ask him to leave you alone for a while so you can put your life back together. You could maybe also ask him to ensure that there will be no more unpleasant text messages coming to you from his phone.

The key bit is to get it in writing that he has said he doesn't want to make a claim.

Startingagain88 · 16/04/2012 22:01

Meredeux, pretty much did all that via text...... i have a text from him saying he doesnt want any money... i think he might start sniffing a rat if i email him reiterating it all again!

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 16/04/2012 22:09

No, don't email him. If you do that he might start thinking that he has a 'right' to claim something. If he's not thinking along those lines, then you don't want to steer him in that direction.

Keep the texts though.

Glad to hear the locksmith is coming tomorrow.

I hope he is telling the truth about not sending you the messages. If that's true then it seems like the OW is waking up to the idea that if a man can cheat on his long term partner with her, then he is capable of cheating on her, so she will never feel secure in this relationship. Karma biting her on the arse.

TheLastNameLeft · 16/04/2012 22:10

so pleased you are getting away for a couple of nights starting, nice one pinkwellies, wish I had a friend like you X

Startingagain88 · 16/04/2012 22:28

Karma, lol she does seem rather insecure but that is her problem she shouldn't have got involved with a man in a relationship! Hes her problem now!

TLNL, i know i reallllllyy need a break now, some company in the evenings etc...im so fed up of being on my own it will really give me a boost to have a change in environment, Pinkwellies has been fantastic, i really don't think i could have got through this without her XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OP posts:
southlundon · 16/04/2012 22:34

Pinkwellies FTW! Grin

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 16/04/2012 22:52

Awwww thanks Blush It's been a pleasure Gawd knows I've not got all the answers for starting but a change of scenery and sea air will work wonders on that fuddled head if nothing else.

Startingagain88 · 16/04/2012 23:05

Shes lying....she does have all the answers.....and she cooks a mean pasta bake! :)

OP posts: