Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/04/2012 13:07

Kirsty, ive taken your advice and posted on Legal... thank you!!

Cenicienta, Thank you so much , yes about 3.30 was the worst for me lying in bed trying to sleep while having a panic attack!!

I would love to have YOU as my friend you have given me such wonderful advice and support, i cant tell you how much it means to me......

The worry of this is really stopping me move forward, that's why i was going to give him something to leave me alone and get him to sign a document to say he has no claim, perhaps if i had more RL friends i would be more likely to fight, but all of this is wearing me down...:(

Im still undecided....i dont want to give him a penny, but i also want to move on with some peace of mind!

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/04/2012 13:11

Only, I know all of you are so wonderful, holding my hand, i wouldn't have got this far without you all.... Thank you!! Thanks

I completely relate to that buzzing noise i cant concentrate, it takes me ages to process every small thing

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 12/04/2012 13:12

Hi

Hope your okay.

I get panic attacks, they are horrid. Just remember you can cope and you will get through this. The attacks are horrible, they do ease off but you will probably feel exhausted afterwards especially if it is a full blown one.

You are not alone.

RachyRach30 · 12/04/2012 13:16

Just thought that buzzing can come from feeling tired. If you aren't getting enough sleep you will feel like you can't concentrate. I bet you feel this way today because you didn't get much sleep last night plus you feel stressed. Maybe you should get some sleeping tablets. I take nytol sometimes or maybe the gp could prescribe you something. The more sleep you get the more you will find it more mangeable to cope with the situation you are in right now.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 12/04/2012 13:19

RR30, I know panic attacks are very frightening particularly when you are in the house on your own!

I could try Nytol, im really wary of AD's perhaps i should just bite the bullet and try them?

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 12/04/2012 13:19

Starting I got 14 sleeping tablets from the GP in January ... I was only to take them in times of dire need

I took one when I found myself in the same sort of situation as you are now - when I was doing fine and the PRCK knocked me for 6!

It did really help .. and now when I wake up at 3am I thing "YES!! 3 more hours til the alarm goes off" and go back to sleep.

You will get there too xx

KirstyWirsty · 12/04/2012 13:25

I think even!! :)

PooPooInMyToes · 12/04/2012 13:33

Don't make him an offer and don't pay your solicitor to go through the finances. Just do nothing. If your ex wants to put in a claim let him. I doubt very much he will, he can't afford it.

If he mentions it just laugh and say something about your counter claim for the van, car, business etc. Then refuse to discuss it further.

only4tonight · 12/04/2012 13:52

You really don't need to take his Shit.

You and he both have email? Then tell him that he collects the last of his belongings from the garage on sat. Any communication from this point on is either via email or solicitors letter. Any other form of communication will be construed as harassment and you will be contacting the police.

Put it in writing so you have a record and ffs change the locks!

RachyRach30 · 12/04/2012 17:00

I've taken ADs before but I don't think they really did much for me. I think your bound to feel the way you do right now, it's normal. Look what you are going through and it is so raw. A month is nothing at all. I don't want to advise you either way but your feelings are completely normal.

I would try the sleeping tablet if your feeling really stressed and feel like you won't sleep. If you get a good nights sleep you will cope much better. I don't sleep very well, it makes my panic attacks worse.

Also what I think you need more than anything is to talk to somebody about the way your feeling. A counsellor will help you come to terms with this. Also try getting some self help books too.

shoegal34 · 12/04/2012 17:00

Hi Starting,

Been lurking on your OP and this one too. Jeez you've had a rough time.

Went through something very similar myself a few years ago. A lot of what you say about your ex reminds me of mine, esp the mercenary attitude towards getting money out of you.

I ended up paying mine off, with a small sum (as per your situ, the house was mine) to a) get him off my back and close a very painful chapter and b) to avoid legal costs. With the benefit of hindsight I'd definitely have sat back and gave him nothing - and let him go through the whole legal process of getting money out of me.

If it's any consolation you will look back on him in a few years time and smirk at how embarrassing/low he was for desperately trying to scavenge what money he could get off you. That's how I feel about my ex now.

I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement and say you're doing really well and should be proud of yourself for getting through such a tough time.

The future will be brighter and better, and one big positive to come out of this is you will change forever, to a stronger woman :-) I know after it happened to me I didn't take anything for granted again, appreciated life's smaller pleasures much more and as a whole became kinder and more empathetic.

Keep doing what you're doing.

Best wishes x

shoegal34 · 12/04/2012 17:02

Oh, I just wanted to add, I took prozac a few months after what had happened, for about six months. They really helped me during a dark time and I came out the other end feeling much better. IMO they're great for a short period to help you get through a rough patch x

only4tonight · 12/04/2012 17:13

Everytime he talks to you he is getting right back in your head and getting you down. You do better without having anything to do with him. So stop talking to him AT ALL.

You say he is speaking to a divorce lawyer. Well so have you over on your other thread. Your lawyer advises you to do jack.

If he wants to make a claim let him do it. Via a solicitor. You have no more need for any direct contact. If he can't talk to you he can't bully you or make you feel like this.

Do what you need to to look after yourself xxx

springydaffs · 12/04/2012 17:22

you also start off on a low dose so it's not like you get wapped over the head with them at all.

that said, I'm a bit of an old hand at managing stress and there is defnitely a place for natural meds. Kalms regularly (x3) throughout the day are good to generally calm you down. I found Nelson's homeopathic sleep remedy very good too.

though the most important thing to address are your thoughts and your breathing. Be aware of your thoughts - during stressful times they can get very obsessive and never-ending. If you are aware of your thoughts you'll realise that a lot of them are unecessary, worrying and worrying about things: so cut those out! It may sound simple but the benefits are enormous.

And breathing - really, this is the biggest aid to combatting stress imo. Make sure your breathing is deep, to your stomach (not your shoulders) - it is shallow breathing that triggers panic attacks as shallow breathing sends a message to the adrenals that danger is afoot. If you get into the habit of being aware of your breathing, slowly it down and keeping it deep and not shallow, this goes a huge way to managing the stress you are facing at the moment. They should sell it for millions! Wink

meredeux · 12/04/2012 23:13

Is he speaking to a divorce lawyer or is he allegedly building a kitchen for a divorce lawyer who will most likely be at work when the kitchen is being built and may well not feel inclined to give free, professional advice to the man who is building his/ her kitchen even if they were at home that day?

Starting ... another voice here saying do nothing, admit nothing and give your ex absolutely no help whatsoever in making a case against you (not even an insight into how you feel about it). Let him struggle to put this all together in the dark (but maybe help him to loose any paperwork you might still have of his that would help him with evidence/ aide de memoir regarding his contribution..!) Do all this, and it will make it 1000 times harder for him even if he did have a case.

meredeux · 12/04/2012 23:14

Has anyone mentioned that ADs take a couple of weeks to kick in?

cenicienta · 13/04/2012 12:37

Hi there, congratulations on getting yourself some great legal advice :)

Now you can do what everyone else has been saying, block him out of your life and start concentrating on your wonderful, exciting, fun filled future.

You know that if ex ever does make a claim you can call on your new legal boff from the legal thread (who does seem very, very good doesn't he?) and rest assured that you'll be in good hands.

So, what's next for Starting?

only4tonight · 14/04/2012 08:16

What time is he coming today? Are you going to be there? If not good for you, but of we are what can we say to help you stand your ground?

TheLastNameLeft · 14/04/2012 18:04

Hope it all went ok today

only4tonight · 14/04/2012 23:04

I know whatever happened today it will have been immeasurably hard. I hope you are looking after yourself and you are as ok as you can be.

Thinking of you xxx

RachyRach30 · 15/04/2012 01:27

Hi,

Bit worried we haven't heard from you. Is everything okay?

southlundon · 15/04/2012 08:13

Morning Starting - I echo what RachyRach said. Is everything okay?

only4tonight · 15/04/2012 09:37

Yep I am worried too. Please just let is know if you are ok. Yesterday was a big day and WHATEVER happened you won't be judged here xxx

wheredidiputit · 15/04/2012 11:45

She posted on Redtulips thread last night so she is around.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 15/04/2012 15:19

Hi All,

Sorry haven't updated my thread for a few days.....

Had a good day on Friday went for another counselling session and had lovely evening with pinkwellies!

Saturday not so good....Ex has been pushing for money as you know, i texted him in the morning to say i need to cancel -wasn't up to seeing him-he sent me a text of a picture of me which he had taken when he saw me earlier in the week!?!?!

Anyway i agreed he could come he picked up some stuff again, but not everything, so im going to start sorting through it next week, take anything which I want/need and text him to say if you don't pick up the rest by end of the day its going to dump.

Today been lounging around and just had a cup of tea and some toast (not eating that much still !

OP posts: