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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 11/04/2012 18:09

Maybe you could get some help from the legal board on MN.

mummytime · 11/04/2012 18:14

If the numbers are getting you down how about getting a nice accountant or even book keeper to go through it. Our fab accountant charges less than £200, and is very very quick.

Xales · 11/04/2012 18:22

Can you ask your solicitor what paper work he needs and how? Then you can do all the hard graft creating the dossier and he can just review it. Much cheaper.

Or if the worse does happen there is nothing to stop you getting advise from the solicitor and self representing.

ThePinkPussycat · 11/04/2012 18:30

It has taken me a long time but I now have all the accounts for our marriage in enough detail to show to the sol tomorrow.

I have had to be my own forensic accountant, but it really is possible. It's only doing accounts, and if you do it yourself, you don't have to explain it before they are done. So I would recommend producing accounts of what money came from who, who it went to and what they spent it on. It's not too much harder than making lists of numbers and adding them up.

I can offer what help I can via PM if you would like?

Thermalsocks · 11/04/2012 18:34

I have steam coming out of my ears at the nerve of this twunt. When is your brother back? I am sure that if you were able to really stand up to him and he could see that you were not completely on your own it would give him (and her) the shock of their lives. I'll bet he was stalking you to see if you went to a solicitors.

I would go to Citizens Advice. You can walk in without an appointment in most bureaux now. You will have an initial Gateway Assessment there and then and then be referred to a more Specialist Adviser possibly even by next day. It's all free.

I'm sure the solicitor you saw would advise differently if he knew the whole story. Is some of the money you put into the house and business an inheritance from your parents?
Call his bluff and stand up tall and confident to him. You can crumble when he has gone.

I wish you so much strength and good will Starting.

captainmummy · 11/04/2012 18:51

But the house is in your name? You can sell it without any claim on it from him.

Let him make a claim to you, until then you don;t need to justify or settle anything.

And don't pay £200 per hour!

TimeForMeAndDD · 11/04/2012 19:26

I think you are getting bum advise. I lived with my ex in his house for 8 years of an 11 year relationship and I had no claim on his property whatsoever. I wouldn't offer him a sum of money, I would offer him nothing but the finger!

RoxyRobin · 11/04/2012 20:18

Well that solicitor could hardly be more vague if he tried.

I know very little of these matters but would have thought common sense would indicate that you should be reactive rather than pro-active. Whatever you offer him now to get rid of him he will say he wants more. It's like blackmail. So I'd feel inclined to leave the ball in his court and wait to see what he comes up with. But don't make any instant response to him whatsoever. Don't speak to him - email contact is best.

If your solicitor is charging £200 an hour for advice then his will, too. I gather 'no win, no fee' cases are extremely uncommon in business disputes so he won't be able to take that route. He will have no option but to stump up out of his own pocket, which may well be enough to discourage him at the outset. Though he will still try to bully you, no doubt.

But what you ought to do is make it your urgent mission for the next couple of weeks to get those accounts and any other evidence organized. You've come across on here as such a sensible, capable person that I'm sure you'll manage it. It's not what you feel like doing right now, but treat it like a job and put in the hours.

We know this is truly awful for you, Starting - it would be a sore trial for any of us. I dislike violence but even so I wish I could send DH and his mates (one was in the SAS and another in the German police bodyguard division !) round to put your ex right about a few things.

Ponders · 11/04/2012 21:42

agree with trying the CAB. we used them for an employment tribunal claim, they were brilliant & it didn't cost us anything (we were lucky there was an employment law specialist at our local office though)

conact your local one & see if they have a matrimonial law expert there & if not, if they know of another local office that does

I know it's not strictly matrimonial in your case, but same principle (& I don't know what else to call it)

He has put you in a horrible position, starting Sad I do hope you can see him off without losing anything financially

cenicienta · 11/04/2012 21:43

Is there a way you can get a half hour free with another solicitor just to see if they say the same thing? I do think they vary enormously in expertise, confidence and attitude and if you can find a good one that you really trust, and know will only charge you the minimum necessary, you too will feel much more confident.

If you read other threads like saffy'smum and wisedupwoman you will see what a huge difference a great solicitor can make to your own confidence and moving forward.

How would you feel about selling the house right now? Is there anything stopping you, or do you still feel deep down that he has a right to a part of it?

cenicienta · 11/04/2012 21:58

And I definitely don't agree with offering him anything, or asking him what he wants.

I would make it clear, whether by text, email, solicitor's letter (any way apart from phone or face to face) that you are assuming it is him who owes you and not the other way around.

Even if you don't really believe it, fake it!

izzyizin · 11/04/2012 23:10

You seem to be in danger of not seeing the wood for the trees as there is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON why 'you' should be racking up solicitors' costs or spending any time visting CABs or other agencies.

The fact is that you owe him precisely NOTHING and if he begs to differ, he can pay a solicitor to prove otherwise by providing evidence of all of the sums he has contributed to the purchase of, improvements to, and upkeep of what is rightfully, legally, and solely, your property.

Should he be foolish enough to attempt make any claim on you in law, you will have opportunity to counterclaim for the monies you have expended on him by virtue of supporting him at various periods throughout your relationship and setting him up in business, including the purchase of a van and other equipment and the previous purchase of the Mercedes that the ow he so enjoys swanning about in.

However, until such time as you receive a letter from his solicitor you are best advised to refuse to acknowledge that he has any claim on you and to not prejudice your position by making him any offer - not least because any offer you may magnaminously choose to make will inevitably be regarded by him as acknowledgement of his claim and as the opener to negotiations which will lead to increasing financial demands once he realises that you are an easy touch.

In the unlikely event that you receive a letter from a solicitor that he has consulted in this matter, report the content here where we can ensure that your initial and any subsequent replies will serve to rack up his lawyer's bill while costing you sod all.

You do realise that this has come about a) because of his sense of self-entitlement and b) because he has bigged himself up to the ow?

You may never discover exactly what tales he's told the ow, but you can be sure they will include stories of how he improved your life immeasurably while you dragged him down and the vast sums he spent on buying and renovating the very same house that you purchased with your own money.

If truth be told, I suspect that she's under the impression that, once he has prevailed on you to do the right thing by him and sell up, he'll walk away with half - if not more - of the proceeds of sale because this is what drink does to an already addled brain.

What with his van and the Merc and his own business, the poor cow ow is no doubt labouring under the misapprehension that she has landed herself a real catch. Of course, we are not so cruel as to speculate on her disillusionment when she realises that the only reason she caught him is that she bought into his hype - suffice it to say that the shit (namely, himself) will hit the fan when she achieves enlightenment.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking that you can handle this matter amicably. It can't be done and the only way you will bring him down from the cloud cuckoo land he is currently inhabiting is to use language that he will understand.

Phrases such as 'off you fuck', 'in your dreams', 'bring it on', 'see you in Court', should help to dispel some of the crap myths that he has created in his own head and that of the ow, and will also serve to put some much needed and long overdue lead in your pencil where he is concerned.

And, yet again for the umpteenth time, ffs change your locks. You said you got your keys back from him but who knows how many copies he or the ow has made? Far better to be safe than sorry as it is not unknown for those who believe they are blessed with divine right to take the law into their own hands and help themselves to the possessions of other - and insurance companies rarely entertain claims where there is no evidence of a break in.

Grow some, honey - and start getting goddam angry with this pathetic gobshite. His bluff and bluster is not worth the paper it has not yet been written on, and should it be put into print it will prove to be as worthless as he is.

You've got a life to be getting on with... don't waste any more of it on him and his delusions.

RoxyRobin · 11/04/2012 23:18

Hear, hear!

QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2012 23:23

dump the solicitor.

Sounds like he also wants you to line his pockets. Angry

QuintessentialShadows · 11/04/2012 23:24

Yes, let the arse provide the evidence of his claim. Sit back and do nothing.

Helltotheno · 11/04/2012 23:35

Great post izzyizin.. OP please read that post a few times and start banging furniture round in a rage. All our blood pressure is going up on your behalf Grin

Re the locks, you mean this hasn't been done yet? You really need to make it a priority, for security and peace of mind if nothing else.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/04/2012 23:44

I've been thinking about this a lot and I reckon that he would have already started legal proceedings if he had been advised that he had a leg to stand on, here. He knows that he would have to prove his contribution, so he's using vague threats about lawyers, in a bid to extort money from you, knowing full well that he is likely to get jack shit if this went to court and the whole truth was fully brought out into the open.

izzyizin · 11/04/2012 23:51

If you believe that my freely given advice will have more validity if accompanied by a hefty bill, I'll be more than happy to send you a note of my fees plus VAT and disbursements Starting Grin

izzyizin · 12/04/2012 03:57

karma's right. How very convenient that he's allegedly undertaking a spot of work for a 'divorce lawyer' and what shame for him, and a blessing for you, that you never married.

I know it's hard, honey, but you have to come to terms with the fact that you spent 15 long years with a man you thought you knew inside out but who has proved himself to be no more than a lowlife cunt of the first water.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that a cosy chat or two will resolve this matter and that you will be able to remain 'friends' with him.

Actions always speak louder than words and his actions have shown that your welfare and wellbeing does not factor on his list of priorities.

He stopped being your friend when he embarked on his seduction of the ow. Think about that sometime... he was happy to go from her bed to yours while continuing to let you think that all of the hopes and dreams you had of creating a 'happy family' with him were his hopes and dreams too.

What manner of man does that? The answer is a man without moral scruple. And his lack of moral scruple extends to trying to fleece you into financing his idyll with the ow.

Did your dps work hard all of their lives in order to give you an inheritance that you would squander on a man that puts his self-interest before that of your own? I think not.

I've seen your mum standing beside you with her hand on your shoulder saying 'well done my darling girl'. All you need to do to make my vision come true is to tell this twunt to reap what he has chosen to sow.

At some time in the future he may well come begging you to be 'friends' with him. At that time you will be able to give him the benefit of a considered reply which will be tempered by the wisdom that comes from the experience of betrayal by one you previously trusted with your life.

In the meantime, the only reply you can make to any request from him that you demonstrate your 'friendship' by way of gifting him with money he is not legally, rightfully, or morally entitled to, is 'no way, Jose'.

ThePinkPussycat · 12/04/2012 09:01

Yeah, like divorce lawyers give out free advice to tradesmen who they employ! He is spouting bollocks.

only4tonight · 12/04/2012 10:01

How are you this morning? There is loads of great advice on here. If you don't trust what EVERYONE here is saying. Even those with legal experience, try posting a brief outline in legal and get the lawyers response. I would wager they are likely to be saying something very very similar to izzy (infact izzy you are a secret lawyer aren't you)

Startingagain88 · 12/04/2012 12:15

Only, not good, had a terrible night, couldnt sleep at all, panic attacks etc, he has got into my head again......have a builder coming later re the loft and building control guy tomorrow. Two Estate Agents this weekend.... and im going to see a counsellor later.... i feel like some AD would help but im still worried about taking them.........

At the moment i just dont feel strong enough for a fight with him IYKWIM, i trying to get on with things...put some feelers out re work this week...also spoke to my mortgage company about mortgage for new place (if i move)...so ive been keeping busy

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 12/04/2012 12:21

Good that you are keeping busy .. Only made a good suggestion to go onto the legal thread and ask what rights he has on there.. I've had some good advice on there x

cenicienta · 12/04/2012 12:33

Sorry to hear you had a bad night, night time can be the worst, especially those early hours when the doom and gloom seems overwhelming.

There are so many people out there supporting you though this, you may not have many RL friends at this point in your life but I for one would be proud to have you as a friend any time. I'm just sorry I don't live closer to be able to offer physical support.

Judging by what Izzy and others have said, you don't actually need to fight him at the moment, just block him out of your life and blank him completely.

If and when the letter does come from his sol, bring it back here and your huge mob of friends and supporters will guide you through the next steps.

Until then, concentrate on you, sleep, a job, sorting out the house, your social life...

YOU DON'T NEED TO INTERACT WITH HIM AT ALL!

only4tonight · 12/04/2012 12:59

You will be ok. You say you have no one but you have over 1200 messages from people who care. Ok we don't all live on your doorstep but we are real people and we are here day after day giving you support. If that doesn't mean you have friends I don't know what does. There must be something good about you because you are attracting people to your warmth and kindness. I know I couldn't generate this kind of response (because I am mainly an anti social cow and people know it)

You need him in your life like you need a hole in your head (or pocket)

Getting councilling is a great idea. And don't be afraid to take anti ds it really doesn't have to be a long term or life sentence. I was on them for around 5 months and all they did was allow me the headspace to see things more clearly. They stopped a kind of whirring and buzzing in my head that stopped me dealing with things properly and kind of stuck me on a thoughts loop.

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