Can you ever get trust back?

[Whatacrapday]

Found out last summer that OH had cheated with some woman he met on FB. He said it was only stuff by phone and a few texts, but I found hundreds of them on FB mailer and he's always kept his phone close. Some of the texts said he was in the bathroom at the time, which sounded so tacky. He tried to lie about the naked pics they both texted even though they praised them on FB. He blamed me and said we weren't close but he'd never said anything to me and I thought we were happy, I'd always tried to think of him first and support him in everything

Anyway that was nearly a year ago and I tried since then to be really loving to him even though I thought I already was. Things have gone on somehow and now we've booked some breaks away this summer, but I can't look at him the same way. Every time he gets nasty I'm afraid its with me and he'll go off and break our home up. He's never liked talks about feelings and I can't find the words to tell him how I feel not the same as I did. He tells me he loves me sometimes now, but it sounds like its choking him to say it and I don't know if its because he doesn't mean it or just because he's not really a romantic type, although he was romantic in his texts to her!

I really need help please on if you can ever get things back to how it was? Please don't anyone suggest conselling because he wouldn't go and even if he did he'd just say everything was my fault

Havnt been to one my self for many years, but why not? If you dont like it after 3 or so, dont go again!

When my daughter left home at 18 we had this sort of conversation- you know, try this, try that, if you dont like it, try something else.

This is how a happy life is built and self esteem developed, surely? You do a bit of social 'shopping around', as it were, and see what fits for you.

It will also get you realising that there is nothing scary about meeting new people, and it is just the first time which is a bit uncomfortable, and usually your fears are for nothing.

You could also try a bit of volunteering, or join a short evening class or afternoon class in September to learn something that you like- it doesnt have to be rocket science! eg my friend went to a knitting class, and it was not full of grannies! (they already know how, anyway!)

Oh god I've got a horrid hangover, and that really IS my fault this time!!! :-)

Thanks Fiveinthree for your wise words as usual, I don't know about finding a group which suits me, just to be amongst a welcoming group of people would be enough at the moment. But that's a negative thought and I'm trying to concentrate on positive ones, not sell myself short. Its just that I've not had much practice for years, but I'll get there if it kills me

It seems to me that there are a hell of a lot of people on here who have been through a lot worse than I have, and part of me actually feels bad for feeling sorry for myself. Still, I suppose that's what its all about, being here for each other, thank god for Mumsnet, what would I do without this lifeline!!!

Hello again, I didn't abandon your thread, I went away for the weekend

Gosh, you have made some great strides this last couple of days. You sound much more positive and in control. You gave him his problem back to him. That was an absolute masterstroke. Now don't you feel lighter ? You were carrying it all. See how he feels now, but don't be fooled by the hangdog expression and "poor me" demeanour. He deserves it all, and more.

I think the idea of finding more friends locally is great. You sound like you have a lot to give yourself. I also wonder whether when you start making more of a life for you you will find cinging onto this damaged relationship is not what you want at all, and never did really

But see how you go. x

*clinging

Hope you had a lovely weekend, AF :-)

Yep, he's still looking like the little boy that santa claus forgot, and you know what? I don't bloody care right now!!!! I guess the worm turned in the end, and frankly I feel a complete fool for standing what I have for so long

Since he asked what he can do about it, I gave him the Not Just Friends book to read - I can't believe that I was actually AFRAID to let him know I was reading it before, just how pathetic was that??!!!!

Anyway what he makes of it is up to him, it's his problem now....

Well just to update I went to the GP on Monday and she upped the ADs. Yes I know some said this isn't ideal and that's true, but she honestly seemed to feel I need them, "in crisis" she said. The counselling wait is now even worse around here, but the funny thing is that now I'm finding a few people to talk to in RL it doesn't seem as important as it did somehow

I rang the ladies social group I found on the net and they sounded really, really welcoming. They have a club night as they call it soon so I think I shall go along to that and try it, anything to get out and find something new

I'm also getting very very angry now with OH and his blasted illnesses, or so he says. His liver-stomach problems involved staggering round like an old man, until a friend rang and he told them he was just fine!!!!!! He rushed upstairs like a kid for something they needed, but groaned again for me. I'm coming to realise I'm definitely being wound up, or rather I was, because he can bollocks. His very manipulative mother used to be like this, throwing an illness when she didn't get her own way, and he's well learned the tricks. If his blood tests come back with something serious I'll feel a cow, but in the meantime I refuse to worry, he can sort it himself

Hi, thanks for the update - sorry to hear OH is still winding you up but good to hear you are refusing to fall for his tricks. What is he doing to find a new place of his own? Nothing I expect.

Well done for reaching out to people in RL - isolation often leads to depression so its important that you are building your own life

Sorry but I just have to post this, I'm SO BLOODY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!
OH got blood results, I insisted the phone was on speakerphone when he rang, and theres nothing wrong at all, except digestive upset - and he was moaning about a possible heart attack, the bloody bastard, obviously just trying to get sympathy, not that it did him any good

As I said this is eaxctly the sort of trick his mother pulled and if he thinks I'm falling for it he can think again, he just doesnt matter that much any more

That friend I met up with is turning out to be such a star, we've had a few girly outings and I've met a few more people too, I really feel like my life is starting to turn a corner. No HotChoc, of course he's not done anything to find a place of his own but he can bollocks, this is my home and there's no way I'm moving out of it, if he doesn't like what I'm becoming he can piss off himself

Not surprised it wasn't a heart attack

I would get legal advice about getting him out of your home.

I hope you are not doing his cooking and laundry.

Fab to hear you feel so much more positive

Agree with Mad, go the legal route and get him evicted.

No, Hotchoc, I'm bloody well not doing his meals and laundry!! He's wandering round as I type this, looking like someone who's been hit by a missile and insisting that he really does love me and what do I want him to do to prove it. Thers no answer except "whatever you want its up to you"

One funny thing, my friend was here with me when he came back early yesterday. I introduced her as an old work friend which is true and he couldn't even look her in the face, talk about sheepish it was wonderful

As for the bit about getting him legally out of the house, hang on surely I couldn't do that? Its in joint names and its not like he's hit me, so how would that work? Anyway he pleases himself, I'm finding out there are actually people there for ME, I spent so long feeling I just wasnt worth it I suppose and I'm starting to really enjoy myself. There's even a holiday later in the year Im looking at, not sure yet but it would be lovely to just relax in the sun, I'll have to see

Yes, I think you can - but you need to find out how to do this legally.

Glad to hear you are no longer his domestic slave

Well Im going to a movie tonight but I did a quick google search Hotchoc, and it looks like you need evidence of abuse even to extent of involving police to force him out, not so easy when its all been emotional stuff

To be honest Im hoping he'll just piss off anyway when he decides Im being too unkind. If he still has anyone else on the go he can go to them, they won't put up with his self absorbed ways long, or more likely he'll stay with mummy and tell her what a cow I am, I know she'd enjoy that

Point is, I dont have to do anything at all unless I want to, he created this and he can do what he likes now

I'd really appreciate any thoughts about this from you guys?

My friend sat me down last night for a serious talk. She especially asked where I expect to be in 5 years time and to be honest its rattled me a bit. I thought I could go on living here and bollocks to him, but I have to face the fact now that I don't know if I can ever really be happy like that

I can see that while he said he wants to improve, this was only because I opened the conversation. He hasn't shown any remorse off his own bat, or actively tried, he just looks sorry for himself and still gets angry if I mention loyalty. On Monday when I told him this he said "you're not being very nice yourself". Excuse me, but why should I be sweetness and light to suit him, when he broke the trust?

I'm honestly coming to feel that this won't be enough for me, I deserve more respect than this, I don't see why it should be me making more effort now, surely I'm not being unbreasonable? If he says he will then just doesnt bother I don't see how I can stay in the same house

I alsovisited a solicitor, they give you a free half hour, and she said it would be hard to force him out unless there was physical abuse I could prove, which I can't. So it looks like the only choice I have is to call it a day, force the sale of the house and somehow start again

So if I'm honest Im bloody nervous now, this really cant go on but after nearly 24 years its hard. Do things get better once you've done it? At least I've now got some people around me, please someone, make me believe I can do this?

Hi

Youve been on anti depressants for years? hope it hasnt been for 23 years.
Anti d's keep you calm and level headed, so that you can sort out the root cause of the problem. I think my lovely you are living with the root cause of it right now, or at least one of them. xx

No, good god it hasnt been 23 years! I also read back what I put and it mitght have sounded like I should make some effort myself. Dont get me wrong I shouldn't, Im way beyond that. I just had an idea, stupid I know, that I might be able to stay in my home if he could be at least civil, but its becoming clear that's not going to work, its just not enough for me any more, I deserve more than that

Its the worry of another life out there that's making me worry about this final step to be honest, final as far as he's concerned that is. I didnt go into my marriage expecting this and I'm just completely bloody angry

Hunni

I cant say too much without outing myself on here who gives a shit lol
but I will say this

I have been cheated on numerous times
stoken from and has stolen my sons savings
lost 2 dc the first he ignored and cheated during her short life
made me late for both c sections, sold a business from under me
cutting me off from money and colluded with accountants
disapeared on holiday with 16yr old gf whilst bailiffs were at my door
wanting to reposses the house
made me bankrupt and homeless
oh and deceived me in to washing the sheets he was shagging the girl on]
took mine and my childs future away from us and wrecked my life

thats a very short version

I am now re married to a bloke who is wonderful hung like a derby winner
is solvent not a drunk or on pills of any sort
isnt abusive funny thoughtful and loving and treats my son like his own
I decided that i wasnt going to accept anyone like my last fuckwit exh
and made a list of charater traits I would
being single isnt a curse its the time you take to find you
your kids will be happy because you are there
make a plan B and start copying paper work squirriling away any moneys
in to a secret account etc, you might realise that making a plan to leave
makes the difference to how you feel

my ex shagging around did me a huge favour he is now someone elses problem now. but belive it or not he also treats me like his best mate, even though he went through years of hating me and blaming me, but I walk around now with the colgate ring of confidence stapled to my head.

there is life after all of this, you need to start believing in yourself and that you deserve more, it aint easy, but its very worth it changes name to l'oreal
the ladies on here are living proof that it is. so chin up shoulders back and tits out love, its gonna be a bumpy ride, but the scenary gets better the further down the rd you get.

Thanks so much for sharing that GP, and Im so sorry about all the crap you had to put up with. I especially love that bit about being single the time you take to find you, I hope that will be me as well

The good thing is, I've got MN and also RL people to talk with now who actually seem to care, and support in this bloody mess. It just took me a while to get to this stage, looking back my idea about being able to live in the same house was stupid, he's had too much practice at winding me up for that. I should have realised this, but its all part of the learning curve I suppose - there's a hell of a lot of things Im realising lately that I didnt for too long :-(

Hey hun no worries

my anti d's post went on without me realising that there were other pages ide missed sorry about that. Getting angry is great because you can channel it usefully, I will be a qualified counsellor next year, but started to come on here for a break and to swear the other week.

Sometimes we get so conditioned in to playing roles, and then become mothers we start thinking in terms of us being 2nd place or worse in a family dynamic.

think of it this way..kids are grown up leaving home and your on your own with him and nowts changed. how much of a waste of time would that have been? you tell kids how unhappy you were and they say aww mum you shouldnt have stayed for our sake blah blah . thing is hun history tells us martyrs dont have a long life span, so make every day count.

xx

Wow, what a change, in such a short time! WACD, you are awesome.

martyrs dont have a long life span, so make every day count

Too bloody right :-( Yep, angry is what I am, and understanding that I wasn't before because I felt it was somehow my fault, just how stupid is that?

And no Abitwobblynow, not awesome just a bit worried and convinced Ive been a fool. But your site name would do very well for me right now!

Well, just as an update it turned out my bastard STBX has gallstones / bile duct blockage / jaundice, naturally he's convinced the blockage is cancer. He'll need an op to remove the gallbladder, so now he's really depressed and never mind the "how can I make it up to you?" Yet more problems (for him) and I can't bring myself to care, I look at him and sadly it's just all too late

Where I need advice is that several people have said how cold I am, as in "he's ill and needs you" These are acquaintances not friends, and do NOT know what he's done. So what does anyone think? Should I tell them, and trash what remains of his reputation, or should I just leave them to think what the hell they want, since they don't affect me personally?

And what about his bloody family, who also don't yet know what their precious little boy did? I admit my own inclination is to tell them all, but I'd value knowing how anyone else dealt with it and what the outcome was?

Anyway, it's great starting to build a life for myself, I'm having a fantastic time with the friend I mentioned and met loads more people through her. Also it looks as if I'll just about be able to support myself, according to the solicitor who's doing some financial digging for me, there are even a few houses around here I might be able to look at. Admittedly it still all feels a bit odd, but needs must I suppose!

Tell them and walk away. He might be ill, but he might have got more sympathy if his behaviour had been better! But then thats just me....maybe IBU.