Can you ever get trust back?

[Whatacrapday]

Found out last summer that OH had cheated with some woman he met on FB. He said it was only stuff by phone and a few texts, but I found hundreds of them on FB mailer and he's always kept his phone close. Some of the texts said he was in the bathroom at the time, which sounded so tacky. He tried to lie about the naked pics they both texted even though they praised them on FB. He blamed me and said we weren't close but he'd never said anything to me and I thought we were happy, I'd always tried to think of him first and support him in everything

Anyway that was nearly a year ago and I tried since then to be really loving to him even though I thought I already was. Things have gone on somehow and now we've booked some breaks away this summer, but I can't look at him the same way. Every time he gets nasty I'm afraid its with me and he'll go off and break our home up. He's never liked talks about feelings and I can't find the words to tell him how I feel not the same as I did. He tells me he loves me sometimes now, but it sounds like its choking him to say it and I don't know if its because he doesn't mean it or just because he's not really a romantic type, although he was romantic in his texts to her!

I really need help please on if you can ever get things back to how it was? Please don't anyone suggest conselling because he wouldn't go and even if he did he'd just say everything was my fault

it sounds like he swallowed a huge great ball of no good and now it's irritating his stomach lining

I like that, AnyF!!!!!! It's the first smile I've had today .... thank you!!!!!

I have reread your thread carefully, you have older children? They will support you. If my mother had ever had the guts to leave my father I would have housed her forever.

You're terrified because you've never known anything else but this for a very long time. If you truly are too terrified to leave I think you should set yourself the goal of doing two things: one tell someone in real life who you suspect may be sympathetic to what is going on. And two, write him a letter detailing how his actions and infidelities have made it impossible for you and that you know it is still going on and you are destroyed. Indicate that he needs to make the next move as it is his actions that have provoked this. If you cannot speak directly to him you need to do it another way where you feel safer and he cannot ignore it.

I don't think you are physically afraid of him I think you are both incredibly unhealthily repressed about communicating and he has bullied and intimidated you for years with his infidelity and withdrawal. You are now allowing it to some extent with your fear and submission but that DOES NOT MAKE THIS YOUR FAULT.
This will never resolve and he is not offering to change. You fear change but your body and mental health are desperately insisting on it for your own good. Listen to them. You need to get angry rather than afraid. This man is taking your life from you. And, one step at a time, do what you need to do. if you don't you will regret it for the rest of your life.

WACD, we are on your side

but we are very, very sorry, and appalled, that you are still there

still getting your chain yanked

still focussing on him

I wish, Vander - our only daughter is seriously disabled and lives away, so certainly can't house me.

And AF you're probably right to be appalled that I'm still here, I'm not too impressed myself. As I keep saying, I really wanted to get the counselling in place before I made a move, just to have someone in RL to talk to as I try to find my way through it. They can't do it for me, I know that, but it does at least help to have someone to talk it over with when there's no-one else in RL. I didn't know about the huge waiting list at the time and of course I didn't know this latest thing was going to happen, I suppose that's why I'm so totally freaked out with yet another crisis

Anyway, I shall insist on going in to the GP with him tomorrow because I don't want any lies about what is said.

And yes, I still like the idea about writing it all down for him .....

I think it's a good idea to insist on going in on the the consultation with him tomorrow

then he can't lie and gaslight you (at least about this particular subject)

if my cheating and abusive H (were he to be so) were about to peg it from a heart attack, I can honestly say I would be rubbing my hands in satisfaction and making sure the insurance was up to date

it could be a blessing if he were to shuffle off with a minimum of fuss

the problem is, he wouldn't be so considerate

then he can't lie and gaslight you (at least about this particular subject)

Exactly, AF!!! I may have made some very serious mistakes over him, but even I'm not that stupid

Like I said, I can't really believe he'd put himself into this position willingly, with all it could lead to, but I can't honestly know for sure - and at least this way I WILL know

it could be a blessing if he were to shuffle off with a minimum of fuss

I half expected you to say that, AF!! :-) I ought to convince myself of exactly that, I know, it's probably only what I used to feel for him that's stopping me, and my fear of being on my own, also the fact I'm so much on the back foot that I sometimes feel "better the devil you know" However I know perfectly well I can't go on this way, he's destroyed enough of me as it is

you sound lovely, WACD, and so very passive

but you are far too influenced by other people, and that includes me

where is your opinion your take on this your will to look after your own interests ?

it's all about him, and always has been

until that changes, you will be dancing to his tune, no matter what he does to you

have you no RL friends at all ?

I find that difficult to believe, going off your posts

I fear you are putting too much store by the outside support of counselling

a counsellor can't (and shouldn't) tell you what to do

only you know if you can live like this

what positive steps (other than waiting for permission to leave from strangers) can you make to improve your life ?

look up old friends, make some new interests, talk on here, speak to CAB, find out your financial rights

the last thing you should be doing is buying in to your H's self-inflicted health fears

I just wrote you a long post, WACD, and MN swallowed it (the bastards)

in summary...

you sound so passive, love

you swing with the prevailing wind

your H tells you shit, you go with it

I tell you shit, you go with it (mine is the true shit though)

I think you are expecting too much of counselling, you see it as a lifesaver, that the counsellor will enable you to sort out your life

only you can do that

I find it difficult to believe you have no RL friends, going off your posts

cultivate them

make some new interests that don't involve your abusive H, speak to CAB and find out your financial rights, take up a new hobby that makes you mix with people in normal relationships, look up old friends that knew you before your H did a number on you

and start thinking about this one life you get, and if you want to spend it with him

Hi AF,
Sorry I didn't reply last night, your message had come through twice in the end but the site crashed last night so I couldn't get on it when I tried

OK, you asked for my straightforward view and here it is ...

Never mind anyone else, I know perfectly well myself this is utterly unhealthy
I also know I can't stay long term if he won't change - and he definitely won't
I doubt this chest pain thing is actually invented, but I DO know I'm being "played" for his own advantage
Finally, I know my own weakness and his abuse is all tied up together. I wasn't always like this, for heaven's sake, and I certainly didn't want to end up like it, but these things are gradual and creep up on you. You put up with one small thing, then it grows and grows till in the end you can't see or think straight

SO .......

The counsellors can't fix things for you, I know, but at least it's some RL moral support, the way I feel at the moment, that will help
As I said, I do like Vander's idea about writing the whole thing down - why should I face yet another cruel scene explaining it all to him???
After so long, it may as well wait until after the GP appointment. If he really is seriously ill, I suppose I should at least know about it

AND ...

I've been thinking about the friends issue, and came up with a lady I used to work with. We're not especially close, but that may not be a bad thing in that she can perhaps be objective and not swayed by all this rubbish that's happened. Anyway I'm going to give her a call and see if we can meet for a coffee, if she says no then I've not lost anything. Of course I've not told him about this - why should I ?????

So - I'll post again after this bloody GP thing and when I've spoken to her. In the meantime, trust me I'm doing my best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MN playing up last night !

I trust you are doing your best

yes, counsellors will support you, but you have to really want to face up to things, and look at your relationshipwith an objective eye

I hope you can do that, or you will still be unhappy and demoralised and still there in a year from now...

That's more like it, WACD.

My sister moaned for years about her h and did nothing about it. Then one dya she did, and left him, and hasnt looked back.

I cant find a single redeeming feature to offer about your h, tbh.

I is definitely true that it is the staying in a relationship like this which makes one apathetic and accepting, and believe that you have few choices.

The only person stopping you from taking control of your life, was you. I discovered similar about myself, so dont beat yourself up,many of us have.

Personally, I think that if you take a stand and leave him the following things are likely to happen...

• you will be stressed and lonely for a few weeks, with loads to sort out
• the power back over your life and the small achievements sorting stuff out along the way will do wonders for your self respect and self belief
• you will make an effort to get out more and meet new people and that will also help

Right, here we go with todays progress, and for once, I do feel it's progress. It might not be earth shattering, but at least for me it's a start

OH went to see the GP - I insisted on going in with him so I didn't get lied to later - and he's got an enlarged liver, possibly gallstones or an ulcer or something, not a heart attack at all. He's had blood tests so will just have to wait for results get on with it himself now, I've worried enough and I really don't see why I should give any more, I couldn't even if I wanted to

I screwed my courage up and rang that lady I used to work with, and she was just so unbelievably kind, I couldn't believe it, it's so long since I've been spoken to like that. She's offered to pick me up on Saturday pm (I don't drive) and get a drink somewhere so we can talk. Her actual comment was "look, just know that I'm here for you and you can take all the time you want", which was wonderful. It makes me wonder if there might actually be people out there for me in RL at the end of all this

Anyway, I still have the GP on Monday, and will ask if they can hurry up the counselling too. Please don't shout at me because I'm honestly not after a magic solution from them, just some RL moral support will do for now.

I've also started writing a few things down, thinking about a note for him. Funny thing is though, it's really helping me just by writing it, somehow seeing it down in black and white makes me feel stronger to sort myself out, god knows why.

Well that's it so far, I know it's not much like I said, but at least I feel it's something. With all of you on MN and some RL people at last, I shall get there at last even if it kills me, which it probably would if I didn't do anything ....

Good. Keep this mindset, you have achieved nearly all the things suggested, see it through. People are surprisingly kind in these situations, often they have been through something similar at some point but even when they haven't, helping others gives us a sense of validity in our own lives so don't underestimate how much reaching out in RL can achieve. I would think seriously about finding old friends or family through facebook or friendsreunited too as you will need a network eventually, OP.

Once you have written your letter, give it a few hours or a day, re-read it. Then I would seriously consider giving it to him.

You need to see this as much through other people's eyes as possible in order to maintain strength and objectivity. Push the counselling and talk to this woman and do not leave it too long to express to him the true situation. Both the possibilities for his health trouble are notoriously stress related. This is all part of the same thing, don't let him lean on you as a victim.

Keep going.

... Keep this mindset - don't underestimate how much reaching out in RL can achieve ...

I'm doing my best, Vander!! To be honest I wasn't expecting the lady I worked with to be so very welcoming, I've just not been used to asking for anything for myself knowing it will be refused before. I feel it's going to be embarrassing telling someone to their face exactly what he's done, but I have no choice, it's got to be done

Fiveinthree, thank you too for your wise remarks. You mentioned doing small things helps your self respect, and though I know it's not much yet, just making a few first moves on this is helping a lot. Somehow I don't feel quite so powerless, I know I'll have horrid days when I feel I can't do this but as I said at least it's a start - I can't do everything at once!!!

I've made some notes for when I see the GP too, so I keep to the point, it's so easy to get sidetracked and forget something if you don't

Wow, you have done a lot today - well done

You are doing so well xxx

Thanks, I really appreciate it :-)

Only one thing Vander, don't mention bloody Facebook, that's where he met that woman he was only supposed to have had phone sex with (yeah, right, whatever) I'm ashamed to say that at the time I tried to believe him

Friends Reunited might be worth a go, though ...

WACD, well done you. Take baby steps, as they say!

It doesnt matter what he used Facebook for, it can still be a good way of locating old contacts, and not everyone uses it to find OW to fuck commit adultery.

I've done it, I've done it, I'VE BLOODY WELL DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I met that lady and basically she just listened without saying anything at all, then simply asked WHY. Why did I leave it to fester so long, why didn't I think I was worth more and a lot else. Some of it came as a bit of a shock to be honest, but anyway I got home about 3 and added to the notes I'd made, determined to actually say something whatever happened

I sat him down and said I wanted to talk, I was a bit nervous I admit, and he looked very unsure of himself. Anyway I told him exactly what I think of what he did and how he's behaved and how he makes me feel, like it says in the Shirley Glass book, as if he's torn my life up and thrown it down at my feet and ended any trust in him. When I finished he looked like a sparrow that's crashed into a window, really devastated, and no before anyone shouts at me, that's not me feeling sorry for him, just the simple truth

I especially said about him never wanting to discuss his sordid affair, and he insisted he honestly thought not dragging it up was best, so as not to make it worse. I told him all about the disrespect and everything, and he just kept saying "I love you, whatcan I do to keep you, I know I'm not good with feelings and I want to put it right" Of course he also insists the affair was the only time, and he would say that, wouldn't he ...

BUT, BUT, here's the thing, once I would have been so happy to hear all this, and now it's as if I'm hearing it said to someone else and I'm feeling right now that it's just too late. I really don't know if there's any point in this or even if I can be bothered to try. Anyway the friend is picking me up at 7.30 and we're going out for a drink, I'm going to enjoy myself for once

I've still got to get my head around this, of course, but it doesn't have to be done instantly, I've put enough of a rocket under him for it to be HIS worry now. Stupid I know, but I just feel SO much better and god knows why since this may well finally be the end of being with him!!! I'll still go to the GP on Monday as this may be the start of a very different life, I don't know, but like I said it's his panic and he can live with it

Wow, you did really well and I love the sound of the lady you met.

You already come across as much stronger

I agree he is the one who has to sort it out.

You are a marvel.

You see? Taking control of what is after all your own life will give you back everything you need.

You are in charge of it now. Oh, and maybe next week you can stop worrying about whether he likes you to go on the computer when he wants his dinner ready!

I thought what you said to him was great, and anyway you have thought about it alot more than he has.

Yes, you do come across as much stronger.

Had too many glasses of wine and a few laughs with my friend so please excuse if the typings bad :-)
I had what seemed a really good idea when we were talking tonigt, I wondered if there are any good womens group in my area, social sort of thing not datingh for gods sake, I dont want that!!!
Anyway I googld it and there are at least 2 where you can go along and meet new people, and I wonderd if this might be a good idea, it actually sounds quite nic and would be a way to get out and about again

My question is, has anyone else tried this sort of thing? I think Id feel a bit awkward going along but I suppose if you dont try you don't get anywere

Misery guts OH is still sitting here looking awful, oh dear how sad never mind isn't that just tragic. Really sorry, too much wine!!!!!!!! :-)