Can you ever get trust back?

[Whatacrapday]

Found out last summer that OH had cheated with some woman he met on FB. He said it was only stuff by phone and a few texts, but I found hundreds of them on FB mailer and he's always kept his phone close. Some of the texts said he was in the bathroom at the time, which sounded so tacky. He tried to lie about the naked pics they both texted even though they praised them on FB. He blamed me and said we weren't close but he'd never said anything to me and I thought we were happy, I'd always tried to think of him first and support him in everything

Anyway that was nearly a year ago and I tried since then to be really loving to him even though I thought I already was. Things have gone on somehow and now we've booked some breaks away this summer, but I can't look at him the same way. Every time he gets nasty I'm afraid its with me and he'll go off and break our home up. He's never liked talks about feelings and I can't find the words to tell him how I feel not the same as I did. He tells me he loves me sometimes now, but it sounds like its choking him to say it and I don't know if its because he doesn't mean it or just because he's not really a romantic type, although he was romantic in his texts to her!

I really need help please on if you can ever get things back to how it was? Please don't anyone suggest conselling because he wouldn't go and even if he did he'd just say everything was my fault

He's not giving anything because he thinks he does not have to and I suspect he does not care either.

You're probably right Hotchoc, but at least I want to know I tried before I get launched into the unknown, I only wish I could find how to be as strong minded as you are, you're a real example to everyone

You need to get real life support by confiding in a close friend or two or family. This will give you strength.

I think some counselling will help you - go to relate on your own.

Work on your self esteem - do things that are for you and make you happy, many start with small things such as a beauty treatment, a haircut, a trip into town etc.

Hotchoc I wish, I really wish. The only family I have is a very aged father with dementia, and unfortunately not too many really close friends because the way he speaks makes things so awkward around other people

That's why I finally posted on here I suppose and I'm so glad I did, the advice everyone gives seems so wise. It's me who's the problem I suppose, I kinow I'm not making much sense at the moment

OP, don't be fooled by how "strong" everyone sounds on here

much of people's "strength" has been hardwon with much heartache along the way

that is why people are trying to help you, to prevent you from labouring under any false illusions

these men follow a script, and are actually very predictable in their responses when someone examines them from the outside

he has isolated you from sources of support, love (it's in the script)

hide your internet history and fgs, don't tell him you are seeking advice on here x

How old are your kids? Is a part time job an option?

If not, is the house owned, mortgaged or rented? If owned, you will get at least half and if mortgage but equity you will get some. If kids stay with you, then you can probably stay in a mortgaged house, then you are likely to get maintenance, and/or the interest paid if on benefits.

I have to say I was stupid enough to actually believe his crap for 5 and a half years about the photos of women I kept fining on his computer.

If I had know for a fact, although I was suspicious, that he was unfaithful then I would not have stood for it, and if he hadnt changed I wouldnt.

I also dont believe that a man who doesnt feel really sorry etc etc, is incapable of doing it again. (Lets be honest, they may both, anyway, again, mine and yours, but I think the attitude your h is taking makes it slightly more likely).

But to do it, not be particular hard working at helping you get over it, and treating you like crap is just too much. I was made physically ill by it and you will be too, and are mentally damaged by him already.

It is really, really wrong that you need to pussyfoot around him, not going on the net, or jumping to his needs to keep him happy and avoid a row. But after what he has done, really, you dont have to AT ALL. He doesnt have that power over you, really, does he?

Whatacrapday, there are plenty of people on this thread who would tell you that I was way way more wobbly and uncertain than this, last year.

I could kick myself now.

And also the way he speaks etc has isolated you from friends and family? My h tried it a very tiny bit. He wouldnt expect me to change my intetnet habits or friends, or do his washing etc, he never did, but he was very uncomfortable about us moving here (my home town). He even admitted when challenged by me in a row two years ago that, yes, he felt exposed in front of my family. And even then, I didnt twig what he really meant! And he now admits he used to 'manipulate' me from years and years back. Your h does to you, he just hasnt admitted it.

Yes I realise that AF, I've read a lot of the posts and was just finding courage to make one, I hoped people wouldn't think it was too trivial and stupid

You don't realise about the "script" until you read things on here. I know I've made a mistake trying to keep him sweet but that's the only way I've got any peace at all, I even find myself practising how I'm going to put something before I open my mouth

I looked on my GPs website and they have a counsellor there, does anyone know if this would be the right type? Do they have different types of needs they work in or something?

Our son has left home Fiveinthree so no maintenance. The mortgage is paid off but all the cash is in the house, not worth much, we don't have savings and I'm honestly not able to work at the moment

I suppose that's a lot of why I'm here, the only security I've got, but I know that's not good. Thing is I didn't get any warning of this, it just came out of the blue. I read the texts on his FB and really wondered if they were a windup, it was that stupid. Then I started throwing up again and again, it was horrible

Poor you. Horrible. I remember it well.

I have kids issues here now, so must go, and will come back tomorrow.

Take care.

You poor thing. Awful man.

Go see your GP in the first instance and ask about counselling, see what he/she suggests.

Yes, do that.

And find out what the house is worth, too.

Been there too, in detail, and with three dependent kids.

Half a house value is better than none, when push comes to shove.

If you dont want to do anything, why not do as I did- go and see a solicitor (free half hour, so h wont know), and get an appointment with CAB.

I did this in July, even before the big 'reveal'. I didn't go to CAB but I did look online to see where I stood, and solicitor provided the bigger picture.

It did give me some confidence, and possibly made me react differently when I found yet more evidence in September.

I also bought a spy device recommended by some fool on Mn, but it was picked up immediately by Norton Antivirus, so a waste of time, and a nasty shock. And anyway, I see now it didnt matter. The thing is, you dont need to worry about that so much, the bigger issue is the way he treats you now and how you feel about that. The OW are a distraction from that.

I think a counsellor may help you to think all this through, and may also help you to turn a major muddle into an action plan, with steps to look at and find out about. It doesnt mean you have to make a decision yet.

You are in charge here, he hasnt got your brain, as evidence by the fact you have posted at all, or thought about this. (Thats why they are such pratt, they think they have - would add a smiley if I knew how!) .

[ smile ]

re-type that ^^ without the spaces

^^

Definitely go to gp, their counsellors will be fine, usually cbt (google it, I'm rubbish at explaining). Just being able to talk to a real person will probably be a great help to you. Beware there wil likely be a waiting list, counselling is increasingly popular.

Well done you for taking some control, can't imagine how hard it must be

five, you are a hopeless case

retype what I write below (without the spaces)

[ smile ]

(smile)

Oh fuck it

Last try.

Would help to leaven my often serious posts!

Result!

Only took 6 months

That is my good deed for the day.

I can be a complete bitch for the rest of it now. Happy times !

I think you need to look after yourself, and realise that just because it has been 23 years, it doesn't mean you can't survive without him and your marriage.
Have a look at this book www.ritagoldengelman.com/why.html

Thanks all, I'm having to type this fast as he's about, but I'll call the gp to try to get counselling, on my own AF!!
Like I said I know he's playing with my mind and I want to get it back, its just hard to see this when your stuck in it all