Can you ever get trust back?

[Whatacrapday]

Found out last summer that OH had cheated with some woman he met on FB. He said it was only stuff by phone and a few texts, but I found hundreds of them on FB mailer and he's always kept his phone close. Some of the texts said he was in the bathroom at the time, which sounded so tacky. He tried to lie about the naked pics they both texted even though they praised them on FB. He blamed me and said we weren't close but he'd never said anything to me and I thought we were happy, I'd always tried to think of him first and support him in everything

Anyway that was nearly a year ago and I tried since then to be really loving to him even though I thought I already was. Things have gone on somehow and now we've booked some breaks away this summer, but I can't look at him the same way. Every time he gets nasty I'm afraid its with me and he'll go off and break our home up. He's never liked talks about feelings and I can't find the words to tell him how I feel not the same as I did. He tells me he loves me sometimes now, but it sounds like its choking him to say it and I don't know if its because he doesn't mean it or just because he's not really a romantic type, although he was romantic in his texts to her!

I really need help please on if you can ever get things back to how it was? Please don't anyone suggest conselling because he wouldn't go and even if he did he'd just say everything was my fault

what is so good about this immature, attention-seeking, sexually-incontinent cheater that you would seek to change your own behaviour so that you can overlook his inadequacies ?

he is a rubbish partner, love

you can't stop him chasing skirt, and you would be foolish to seek a way to help you live with it

Well done for posting WACD, you absolutely panicked and were terrified and expected the sky to fall on your head, and talking to us has made you calmer.

CHANGE is very, very uncomfortable. Stepping outside of your old role - because it is killing you and the thoughts in your head are telling you that - is frightening, worrying, and hurts. It is frightening and worrying for him too.

And? ????? ?????

Life isn't supposed to be easy. Growing HURTS. Remember the war: keep calm, and carry on.

PS Google 'erectile dysfunction causes' and march him to the GP. You CAN show leadership. You can.

Abitw, it is not her job to "march him to the doctor".

If there is a link between his feelings about his sexuality, and chasing OW online (almost certainly), he has to recognise it and want to sort it out.

The OP is not his counsellor, mother or boss. She wouldnt want to be, probably.

OP, your bigger problem is the way he treats you, and his refusual to take responsibility for his own problems.

If I were you, I would concentrate on your issues, and your boundaries with him.

It is tempting to help them solve those very problems which have caused you such pain- been there myself, as you could see from my January thread.

But it doesnt work.

As you know yourself.

I know it isn't her job, 5.

But a woman CAN show leadership you know.

Erectile dysfunction is a MAJOR clue to clogged arteries.

She can change her dynamics and insist on being heard in this. Do you get the difference?

It is her silence that is her problem.

(not what he does about it, or the discomfort he shows/dishes out hearing from a formerly silent person)

I don't think the trust ever comes back.. the relationship will never be the same again.

My xp had an affair two years ago. He never really took responsibility for his own part in it, blamed me, blamed OW, blamed the cat, everyone but himself. He never showed much remorse either, oh he was sorry he got caught, because of the shitstorm it caused but I don't think he was ever really sorry that he did it.

We've limped along for 2 years and he finally moved out at my instigation last week and do you know.. in that short time I can feel 'me' coming back. My confidence, self esteem and self respect had fallen through the floor but I can feel myself rising up again. People have actually commented that I seem much more 'alive' recently.

He should be breaking his neck trying to win you back.. reassuring you, being open and honest with you, generally doing whatever it takes to make you feel better and it would appear that he's not doing that.

Please don't let him destroy you :(

Abitw-

As far as I see the issue here for the OP is about getting back trust after infidelity.

When he has not really taken responsibility, or made efforts to help the poster feel better- he hasnt made amends or changed. He is uncommunicative.

On top of that, he is generally abusive and likes things his own way, and has the poor OP running around after him to keep the peace.

She is struggling at the moment to lead herself.

And you think she should be worried about his potentially blocked arteries?

I think you are projecting your own solutions, which as everyone has pointed out to you, do not work.

Sorry, Abitw, I dont want to be rude, but you are not right here at all.

However a person betrays you, I don't think you can get 100% trust back. My Husband has fucked up large style in recent t8imes(No other women) and, while I love him, I know that if our relationship is to survive I have to keep these things in the back of mind. That's the trouble though. They're always there, in the back of your mind. It tints things. I know it will fade- I'm no stranger to being hurt -but I also know that I have to lower certain expectations to avoid feeling the hurt becaue it's not what they do that's the problem, it's how much it hurts.

He is stil my best friend. But I will always be disappointed that some of the thing's he's done, knowing they would hurt me, were done regardless.

Everyone had limits though. You can't keep going round in circles.

Thankyou everyone for recent posts overnight

Fiveinthree, your closest to understanding what Ive been trying to say - but probably Ive made a mess of some of it, I feel a mess anyway. To sum it up, its like this...

Yes, Id like to find a way to rebuild some kind of trust if it was possible
No, he doesn't do anything to help this or show he's sorry
Yes, this is because of his uncommunication, its with everybody, not just me
Yes, I know very well he's got my esteem and self-help ability really down
Yes, in spite of all this I know its got to be me who starts any changes

This is why I thought counselling for both of us would be good if I could talk him into going (not likely) but everyone seems to think its no good going together if he's abusive, it will only make him worse

So ..... it looks like what I should do now is go on my own. Beacuse I don't have any family or RL support I hope it might help to have someone to talk with. Ive not been able to stick up for myself before and I hope it might help with that too and stop me feeling so frightened all the time, especially being frightened about being on my own with no income or support

About the ED, I don't know if he has anything wrong and right now I don't feel like I can start worrying about that as well, its bad enough feeling the way I do about myself without that too. Like I said he doesn't deal with ANYTHING so he probably won't do anything about that either. Should I be the one making him? I don't know .....

I would go for sole counselling if I were you, to work out what you want yourself first, and also to build your self esteem, for any kind of future- with or without him.

Tbh, my h only went to counselling because I had finally got past the place you are in and decided to leave, and it moved him from a position of 'all counselling is crap' to seeing what could be done to rescue matters. You can see he did this because it was the only option left to him, and he must have known it.

We were complicated by the fact he denied infidelity (and continued to do so for the first month at Relate). He was of course shocked by this new me who would no longer believe him. And when he got there he said after one week it was the best money he ever spent.

So that far we are similar, but my h did not push me around as yours does, he just withdrew and lived his own life and refused to cooperate on much. And he psychologically argued and manipulated me to the point where, although I didnt let him get away with much face to face (I complained like hell), I never got anywhere- he didnt intend to play ball, or fess up! And I didnt see that he usually won in practice, as he wore me out and had me doubting myself.

Its hard from your thread to get a good idea of what yours is like and how able you feel to argue your case. If you doubt that, best go alone- it doesnt stop you going with him at a later date when you are stronger, and if you still want to work on the marriage by then.

Oh and the ED. You said he is 'completely impotent'.

Well if he wasnt unfaithful in the past, it may partly explain his infidelity online, but it doesnt excuse it. My h was having a few problems there too, but later on, after he had been doing it anyway for three years (chasing OW online). It wasnt major, but he isnt even now the stud he was (!!) , but then he isnt bad in that dept and he is 50.

I think you have bigger fish to fry right now.

But it wouldnt do any harm to tell him that you wonder if the impotence is an underlying issue, and ask him if he is planning to do anything about it?

You see, if HE thinks he has a problem there, he should, shouldnt he? And if he doesnt, he ought to be prepared to explain the infidelity better than just by blaming it on you, and work on his marriage to make amends and protect the marriage from future affairs.

You could buy that book- the Shirley Glass one- too, whilst you wait for counselling. It will help you clarify what he is not doing well.

"he just withdrew and lived his own life and refused to cooperate on much"

Just like mine, Fiveinthree!! As I said before its not that OH knocks me around or something its just that he doesn't do anything at all. So I don't know if he doesn't make an effort because he doesn't want to be with me or because he doesn't know how to deal what he's done, which'd be typical

Mine didn't deny cheating because I'd got a load of their FB messages. But I hid some details, he tried to lie about those until I proved I knew so really he only admitted what he had no choice on. So now I wonder what else I don't know about and like always he won't talk so it can't be gone into

I did ask if he'd chuck his smartphone and get a basic one its not so easy to send email on but he said its a 2 year one and it would cost to get rid of it. When I said it was important to me tho, he flounced off and wouldn't talk again

See what I mean about the counselling? I don't know if in the finish he'll do what yours did and know he's got to do something but I hope it will make me stronger to do whatever I've got to do, right now I'm just a mess

Also on the ED Fiveinthree, he damaged his ankle last year, thought it was broken tho it wasn't, and at the hospital they found his BP high. They didn't say anything just that it was probably him worrying but I did say he should go to the GP, of course he's not done anything but anyway I did my best

A load of messages he sent thro FB on his smartphone were them pretending to have sex, it was horrible reading it, I kept throwing up after. But I did say something about you can have sex on the phone then, and he told me all the chat about him "having an enormous hard on" was just talk, of course I don't know if thats true or not

By the way I bought that Not Just Friends on Amazon last night ...

Good for you, re book.

Getting to the bottom of what written net sex actually means to them is waste of time, anyway. They may lie, and they may not understand it themselves. After counselling, mine said it was about power and control, not sex per se, but I feel it is likely that it was sexual in nature for him too, regardless of what he says. He should certainly be willing to look at why.

You could start practising telling him what you expect, or take some other action. If you stand up to him, I think he wont have a choice but to shift himself.

He ignores you because he can. And he isnt worried about words/moans complaints etc, because although it may piss him off he doesnt have to take any notice. In one ear, out the other. He doesnt think you will be able to force him (and he is right), and he doesnt think you will take any action. if push comes to shove.That is how mine used to operate, anyway, until I took action.

Wondered if Fiveinthree or anyone else is out there to hold my hand just for a while??
I rang GPs to get some counselling sorted out, it's over a weeks wait for a nonurgent appointment and there's a 3 month waiting list for counselling!!!!! Oh hell!!!!!! I reallym really wanted to talk to them and its going to be so long now

Anyway theres one little thing I'm pleased that I did. Like I said he always wants to completely forget about the woman he had on the net and act like it never happened. But he was doing something on the computer last night and not even listening to me, and I'd had enough so I told him "I think I deserve more than to be ignored don't you?" I never said anything like that to him before and he looked like he'd been shot - hee hee!!!!

Oh well done you.

First things first. Im not surprised GP counselling is a three month wait- that is usual. But go and get on the list anyway. Im sure that even if the position changes by then, it will be useful.

Keep at those changes.

As the counselling will show you, you cant change him, but you can change yoursel. You can. And as you continue to change yourself, he will have no option but to change, in some way or other. Because he will not be winning with his usual strategy- at the moment he has been used to winning.

So keep it up. And dont look back!

Ps I am more fiery than you, for what good it did me. I am more taking your calm line now.

eg once, when I was utterly exhausted one saturday night, before his big secret was revealed but I was suspicious, he was ignoring me on the net, and the kids.

It had been an issue for months, the withdrawal, so I asked him for half an hour at past 10pm to stop and talk to me. He woudnt and was rude, and then said he could do both at once. So what was my understandable but inefective reaction?

I tipped his monitor off his desk and on to the floor!!

He went mental. But I didnt care by then. I wish Id smashed it.

And yes, he was playing Yahoo pool at the time, which as I now know was what he used to do when scanning for other women to approach.

No doubt he was waiting for me to f* off and go to bed sop he could get started.

Oh shit this is completely stupid, I got texted this morning, it said unkn own number, saying did OH tell you who he is with today, nothing else just that, no name or anything

Hes supposed to be doing some volunteering work so I called his mobile and he answered it sounding okay and I made up an excuse about get some milk on way home. I said nothing about the text so he can't think of a story before he gets back, seemed the right thing to do but I don't know if it was of course

I can't think striaght at the moment, do I tell him whehn he gets back or not? That woman he had the thing with was supposed to be the only one, so who would it be sending the text? I don't know what to think, if this is the start of another one or something, I'm really panicing, does anyone have advice?

Help anybody??!! Hes on his way home and I really needed some advice, I can't log onto this with him here will be back tomorrow to see if anyones got any idaes?

Text back- ask who he was with, and where.

Just got in!

I did that, Fiveinthree, no reply, at least not yet
Cant stop but not said anything to him,

well put the number into google to see if it is on some site somewhere?

The text said 'was with', so he might have left by then. Fishy, anyway, and may explain why he is not making much of an effort. I think at the time mine would only have admitted what I could actually prove.

May be from the woman herself, or from another one, or someone who saw them and knew you, and your mobile number. Probably true that he is up to no good, given his previous.

Find out more before you confront, anyway. You know he will deny, otherwise. They nearly all do.

Or just make plans to leave- if there is more now, after what has happened, and given his shitty attitude, whats to lose?

Hmm this is interesting. Why would someone text that? If he's physically meeting someone she'll soon find out he's all talk, won't she? I can't see many hanging around for a man who talks the talk but can't perform at all.

In your position I would try to dump him over him being unfaithful. The person who sent you the message could have just done you the best favour you've ever had.

Still wondering how she knew your number, though.