Can you ever get trust back?

[Whatacrapday]

Found out last summer that OH had cheated with some woman he met on FB. He said it was only stuff by phone and a few texts, but I found hundreds of them on FB mailer and he's always kept his phone close. Some of the texts said he was in the bathroom at the time, which sounded so tacky. He tried to lie about the naked pics they both texted even though they praised them on FB. He blamed me and said we weren't close but he'd never said anything to me and I thought we were happy, I'd always tried to think of him first and support him in everything

Anyway that was nearly a year ago and I tried since then to be really loving to him even though I thought I already was. Things have gone on somehow and now we've booked some breaks away this summer, but I can't look at him the same way. Every time he gets nasty I'm afraid its with me and he'll go off and break our home up. He's never liked talks about feelings and I can't find the words to tell him how I feel not the same as I did. He tells me he loves me sometimes now, but it sounds like its choking him to say it and I don't know if its because he doesn't mean it or just because he's not really a romantic type, although he was romantic in his texts to her!

I really need help please on if you can ever get things back to how it was? Please don't anyone suggest conselling because he wouldn't go and even if he did he'd just say everything was my fault

That is a really good idea, WACD

The Gps don't work Wednesday pm, shame because I took my chance while OH was out to call them
Anyway while I'm waiting can anyone tell me what these counsellors do on the day, that's if I can get the gp to send me if he will?
Do they ask lots of Qs or do they leave you to do all the talking or what?

Abitcrap, you have got this wrong way round.

This is what you do (and DO NOT worry about the response):

1. You tell him you are furious and devastated by what he has done. (that is a bit of unwelcome news he is just going to have to deal with)

1. You tell him that you want him and you to go to counselling;

1. You tell him that you are going to counselling anyway.

You notice all those things have no bearing on what sort of a 'mood' loverboy get's into????

THIS more than anything else, signals to him that he is in shit, and that things have to change from now on. Does he beat you? Or just browbeat you?

And of all of them, do 3. You must do 3. THIS will jolt him out of his denial.

Sacrificing yourself, appeasing him has got you exactly where in this life?

PS: he's not horrible ALL the time I suppose but he gets really nasty if things aren't done his way, and ... I've been on ADs for years

are absolutely connected.

I was depressed too, thought I was mad, then found out any normal person would have been depressed in my sich.

Sorry to get your nic wrong WACD!

Hang in there love

Whatacrapday

The counsellor will be guided by you. They will ask you what the issues are.

It REALLY pays to be as honest and open with your feeling and your situation as possible, as the advice and help is then able to be better.

They have heard it all before and far worse, and the least open usually have the most to hide!

They will help you to get clarity in your head about what is going on in your life, and how you got here. They will help you to see it more clearly and help you to develop perpective on your options.

They wont tell you what to do. They may ask some questions to guide the discussion, or/and ask you to think about some stuff when you are not there.

" ... any normal person would have been depressed"

Ive told him this myself and he just said I was being stupid, yes it doesn't get me anywhere trying to keep him happy, he just demands something more. I can see this is ridiculous but can't get my head round not being here either, like you said my self confidence is on the floor, I know that

I want to ask the gp about counselling on my own because AF said you shouldn't take OH if hes abusive, I can tell him I'm going but he'll just say that's stupid too, hard luck on him I suppose

he is the stupid one, WACD

OK WACD...

He can tell you you are stupid ALL HE LIKES, but you can have two choices:

You can believe him; or
You can believe in yourself.

Please choose the last one!

Look how brave you have been. Say there is WACD in your heart, and WACD in your head. You looked at Mumsnet, knew in your heart that you weren't alone. You read those posts and knew that they meant something, that other wives were fighting the same stuff, had the same hurt. You decided to reach out. That is really brave! All those 'you are just being stupid, they will tell you to shut up, it's nothing, you're silly' voices tell you to stop, and your brave heart let you carry on.

You reached out for help, and that took so much courage and faith. You can reach out again to the GP, counsellor, google cognitive behavioural therapy, us, and not accept him trying to stop you.

You reached out for help ...

And I'm so glad I did ABitWobbly :-)
I'm not going to tell him Im on here becausen its about the only support I have until I get any counselling sorted out, anyway why should he know? He doesn't do anything to help me!

Oh nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night a Mn-er sent me a kind message on Hotmail account, I think a private message, I didn't know you could do this. Thing is I always clear the MN off history, but I had my Hotmail open on the computer and he went to use the PC for something and I saw him reading it. It looked like he hed linked thro to the MN site so all of my posts would be there I suppose, I didn't go close enough to see what it was eaxctly on there

As i keep saying he does NOT discuss feelings stuff so of course he said nothing, hes just being very cool. Like I also said I didn't want to talk about this until Id got my own head a bit sorted and had some counselling to get a bit braver, I know I'm being pathetic but Im just not ready for heavy stuff yet and now Im terrified he'll take it all out of my hands, if it was ever there in the first place

What do I do now? I really wanted to get the counselling before this and now he knows most of it I suppose ..... help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you feel safe?

If you think you are in danger, your only option is to leave.

That is most unfortunate but what's happened has happened. Cant be helped.

You have EVERY right to question your marriage, to question how you are treated, and to explore your feelings

If he doesnt like it, tough luck on him.

He doesnt own you and he never did.

If he is reading your thread, lets hope a few home truths hit home. He was unfaithful and a pain to live with, so what does he expect.

Continue as you are. Ask for a counsellor and continue to post and to think and read. See a solicitor if it helps.

And just start to defend yourself against him. You can do it, you really can.

Look at all those women who may have thought about divorce and were flung into it because their h had an affair and left them. They would never have thought they could sort themselves out and take control of their lives but because they had to, they did.

Remind yourself of all the things you didnt think you could do in life when you were a child, but you did. And all the things you didnt do well, put it down to experience and good learning for the future.

A great example for your kids. x

Yes Hotchoc he's at work this afternoon so Im here on my own. Anyway its not that he'd get violent or anything, he never has he just sulks and gets mardy and waits for someone else to do all the sorting out. If I ask him to do something he just says "whatever I do I do is wrong and your always checking up on me so just do it yourself" Then he says "why didn't you do so and so" if anything goes wrong and makes it my fault. Once any blow-up is over, like with his sex phone stuff, he never wants to mention it again, he just wants it forgotten

I wish I could forget it, maybe I'm being stupid remembering it so much, but it just goes round and round in my head. I really really wanted a counsellor ort someone to talk to in RL before this all came out and now I just don't know what to do to make things any better

I only asked because you said that you are terrified and having read how abusive he can be I was concerned.

You NOT being stupid - all this is going round and round in your head because your H's behaviour was never addressed and things were never resolved. He shows no interest in resolving things.

The only thing you can change is HOW you deal with him and his behaviour.

Stay safe.

How would a MN'er know your Hotmail email account ?

Was it a private message (pm) through MN ?

Anyway, I am slightly concerned about how much it has bothered you that he may have seen your thread

Who cares what he sees ?

he's been an absolute shit to you, and you deserve to seek support on your own account

You say he won't mention it, but he will certainly file it away to use against you at an opportune moment, won't he ? Just when you are feeling shit, he will stick the boot in

Just tell him to fuck right off if he does. This is your life, he is not the boss of you. Not of your thoughts and not of your feelings. He cannot take them away from you.

Yes AF it was a PM thro Mumsnet
The point was i wanted to get myself a bit more steady before saying anything else to him, and also wanted to get some counselling before it to feel a bit stronger. He really does sweep anything aside and I dont want to be one of those things
I know hes a bully and that's exactly why I have to persuade him to make some effort in this, the big Q is how I tell him that

Should have added, Af, my thoughts and feelings are exactly what hes tried to take away from me
Its up to me to get them back, I'd much rather do that with him than apart from him but like I said its how I make him realise he needs to

you can't "persuade" a bully into being a decent person

you just can't

you have to decide what you want, and act accordingly

which includes thinking "fuck you, mate" if he finds out you have been getting support from outside of your primary relationship

the fact remains, you needed to because he is lacking

very lacking

you keeping up a pretence that all is well helps only him

love, do you think any decent counsellor will attempt to tell you that you can change someone else's behaviour ?

"do you think any decent counsellor will attempt to tell you that you can change someone else's behaviour ?"

I truly dont know AF, Ive never seen a counsellor before. But even if i can't change his I need to change my own to have the guts to do something for myself, thats how much he's got me down. I know this but I know I need support to do it if that makes sense?

yes, that last bit makes sense, but that isn't what you said before

there is a difference and I hope a counsellor will help you see that

yes, that last bit makes sense, but that isn't what you said before

Your probably right AF but there are a lot of things I'm realzing from being on here that I didn't realize before. Its not easy to actually do these things thats the trouble! Like I said I'd rather do this with him if thats possible but it might not be I suppose

keep posting

I may be a little direct for your comfort, but there are lots of women who have a softer edge than me and have been through what you are going through x

No don't sound apologetic AF, Im learning a lot from your common sense on here. Its just that we're not all good at being so assertive and I def need some help with mine :)