Found Out My Husband is Sleeping With Escorts

[bagpus77]

[Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. It's a zombie thread. Just saying...]

Hi all,

I am a mother of two beautiful children ad the wife of a man I adore. We have been together always and last week I discovered he has been sleeping with escorts for at least half of our married life.

He denied it until there was no way out and so last night the man who I thought I could trust told me everything.

He was paying for sex each week with various different hookers or whatever it is they are called. He said he finds me dull in bed and that since the kids my need for sex is almost not there and he didn't want to bug me for sex.

I am devastated and just dont know what to do other than cry and feel so angry. I can't look at him anymore for betraying me and my trust.

I love him but don't like him much right now.

Winegoggles - have you watched Pretty Woman one too many times?? And as for giving you the money he spent on hookers as a gift... words fail me.

Shotinfoot, I didn?t say that?s what Bagpuss should do, I said that?s what I would feel like doing. I?m in a totally different situation to her, and as you rightly said it?s money that should?ve been invested in her family, so they?ll never get that back.

winegoggles with the greatest of respect, this is NOT the thread to justify prostitution. Im not interested in whether you are a WG or not, this is a thread where a family has been devestated by a man's use of prositutes. I don't give a fuck if some of the girls are educated, in control, do specialised stuff and kick the men into touch - this thread is for someone who is seeking support after her husband has betrayed her.

Firstly, Unknown's husband says he made a one off mistake but sorry but I would be very dubious to believe it was a one off. Men seem to only say enough to own up to all that might make them get through the mill but given my mess I am in right now I just trust no explanation so sorry if that sounds harsh.

With regards to the business, I own more of it by law than he does but if I really want to go for it I may be able to show that joint assets were used for his extra marital hobby. We run to business together so even if we divorce one will have to buy the other out or sell it but I will be dammed if I have to face him in the office on a regular basis. Even though we have childcare I do most of the arrangements for the children and care on evenings and weekends most of the time alone while he cooks and drinks wine.

He spends heaps of time on his phone texting and claims it's clients but now I think it was hookers. Do they charge for text talk?

I really want to see these women. What have they got that I haven't? I can't stop thinking about the sex we had away last weekend and wondering if he was pretending I was someone else.

Yes, they do charge for texting.

I bet you would be surprised if you saw the women, they are probably not so hot. He is paying them to be what he wants them to be, he has to pay them to massage his ego. They have nothing tht you don't have, you have so much more than them. No one can say why he has done this, only he knows why, and i suspect that even he doesn't really know why he has done it. I don't doubt that he is full of regret for what he has done, but its too late. Like someone said upthread, you can't unknow this. Hopefully he will have some decency and make the split as easy for you as he can with regards to ensuring that you and the children don't suffer financially and you get a return for all of your investment into the business.

bagpus77 - so sorry you are in this situation. I would say, can you try to stop obsessing about how these women look? This is really nothing to do with looks or some special tricks in bed. I would say, this is all about your H's difficulty with relationships, what it gives him to be with a woman who does not know him on an intimate relationship level other than physically so, how he needs to hold secrets from you, perhaps the old madonna-whore complex in action, perhaps enjoying a bit of a hero rescuer fantasy by giving money to women he perceives as needing rescuing so different from his very capable wife and business partner. Couple this with what has doubtless become an addiction to the short term physical high of casual sex. Please don't think that changing the way you look or taking on some fetishes would make him any more capable of relating in a healthy manner to you.

Winegoggles Putting aside the small percentage of trafficked women . . . I can't understand how anyone could so casually start a sentence like this. It's this kind of thinking that allows the sex industry and the exploitation that goes hand in hand with it to continue. I'm sure you would think differently if you were one of the small percentage of trafficked women. Shame on you.

Bagpus I'm glad your mum is going to come back with you and help you get through this. Please try not to fret about what the women look like. It's not their looks that your dh bought, he just wanted sex on his terms. It's not something that you can rationalise.

Interesting take on prostitution Winegoggles. I think that prostitutes and the men who use them are skanks.

Once is just about forgivaable, £150,000 equates to at least 300 times if not more.

However good a father he is in your eyes, if you choose to stay with someone with so little regard for his wife and family then you are the foolish one.

To be honest his behaviour is disgusting.

Totally shocked reading this. It makes me so sad for you and your children OP.

You've had some great advice, and FWIW I think you need to do exactly what's right for you. It's OK people saying "kick him out" etc but we can only assume what we would do in the same situation and sometime our assumptions are wrong. I for one would be doing exactly as you are & go straight to my mum, that's for sure. I don't think your H appears spiteful enough to change locks etc. I have to say it would be a total deal breaker; the lies, the betrayal, the expense, he would be gone so fast his head would spin. Get yourself a bitch of a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. No amount of money is going to make up for what you've been through but it might help him understand how it feels to be completely shafted.

"I really want to see these women. What have they got that I haven't?"

Bagpuss, every single woman who has been betrayed wonders this as their sense of self plummets through the floor.. But the truth is...

IT ISN'T YOU, IT'S HIM. The women are a SYMBOL.

It is about fantasy, no demands (I can't remember what IC said, I was too in shock.)

This is him, his problem.

Make sure you get every penny back. Every single penny.

And regarding the sex? Pre-affair my H had a woman who loved sex, never said 'no', loved oral and dressing up. He smashed that, not me.

Do not feel ashamed. Do not feel embarassed.
My husband was caught flashing when our DD was 3 months old. Like a bloody idiot I stood by him.
The marriage never got better for me. He always wanted more and always needed more excitement, no matter how much dressing up etc that I did for him. He used prostitutes and various drugs to increase his sexual pleasure.
I do wonder why I thought that I had to stay.
Your husband will never change - you are doing the right thing by asking him to leave.
The support from Mumsnet women is incredible. Do not be talked round to staying by him. He will not change.
You run a business together which is an added complication, but don't let that be a reason to stay together. It isn't.

sweetheart, it hurts. you tell yourself you can make it right somehow.
you can't.
back to your solicitor. get a good package for you and the children - if he can spend 150k on prostitutes, putting your life at risk in the process, he can provide a house, car and good standard of living for you and your little ones.
take no nonsense from this man.
not one tiny bit of this is your fault.
secure your position and get out of the relationship.
as fast as you can.

You are not alone. My ex fiance slept with prostitutes too - after we had broken up but while we were supposed to be "trying again". He actually had the gall to tell me about it because he was utterly panic stricken when a condom split on him and to seek my reassurance and advice on what to do. Being a total and complete mug and still desperately in love with him (why, I have no idea) I ended up driving him to the airport so he could fly back to the UK and get anti-HIV prophylatic drugs not available in the country we lived in at that time.

He ended up marrying a Chechen whore he had picked up in a bar and "rescuing" her from her life of vice. I was maliciously thrilled when I heard about this. His mother never thought I was from a good enough (read posh enough) family for him so she must be over the moon that her DIL and potential mother of her grandchildren is an ex hooker. I do hope someone tells her they "met at work"!

Men's capacity to delude themselves about these situations is utterly boundless. But any man who can treat a women like an object is this way and have sex with someone who he KNOWS is only doing it for the cash is not even worth wiping your feet on. I wouldn;t piss on my ex if he was on fire. His perception of women is sick and I thank God I found out about it before we got married.

You are 100x too good for this man and he will never change. Believe me I know how this feels and it was the worst agony I have ever been through. But I got over it and you will too. I now have a lovely DH who never even looks at porn let alone uses women for sex because he sees women as people not things placed on earth for his sexual gratification. He doesn't deserve you.

OP, how are you today

Arrived back from France this afternoon and told my mother (who is with me) everything. My husband knew this as they had a conversation on the phone over the weekend so felt it best to move into a hotel while she is here! Fine by me as I can't look at him right now.
Tomorrow I meet with my solicitor to get the ball rolling. I want a divorce and fast. I have told him he will never live in this house again and to consider what he wants to do with the business. All I care about are my children and as long as their life goes on with minimal chaos I can live with that.

He is in a state, looked gaunt, unshaven and a mess. I am actually worried for him. I know it's ridiculous but as the friend in me sees it I think he needs serious help. God knows what he got up to at the weekend in between calling me every 5 mins crying and begging me to stay with him.

Men are pathetic. Only looking at so many of my friend's relationships too I see that. I will never understand why anyone sits and puts up with this crap or turns a blind eye and when people say it's for the children, rubbish! It's out of fear for themselves. Not me, the enormity of what he has done hit me over the weekend and all trust and respect for this vile man is gone.

HIV test came back negative as did the others. He is one lucky man he hasn't caught something from sleeping with these filthy women.

More like they are lucky women not to have caught anything from your filthy 'D'H
Seriously you are doing the right thing to meet with your solicitor tomorrow, good luck with it, you deserve to live a brilliant life free from lies and idiots.

Don't worry about him, bagpus he'll live. He knows where to go if he wants so company and affection and a shoulder to cry on, doesn't he? Pathetic is right. I hope he has a good long time to reflect on just how pathetic he is. I am so glad you had the courage to tell your mother. It is absolutely right that he should be the one to feel all the shame, and that you do not absorb it all for him and collude in his dirty secret . I hope you are going to tell his family as well. He deserves nothing less.

I now you want to be rid of him as soon as possible but don't make such hasty decisions that you do yourself out of your fair share of the house and the business. In fact, you need back your half of the £150K as well.

Well done OP. You're doing the right thing.

Please don't waste your time worrying about him. Don't give him any kind of audience. He will try to get you to pity him. Be stone cold.

Good for you, one if dh's workmates cheats on his wife and she brushes it under the carpet, he's done it 3 times in the 7 years I've known them, I don't think it's the right way to handle it.

I'm sure he is sorry, everything was going his way and then reality kicks in that his wife isn't going to put up with his shit.

bagpus - good for you!

Don't waste emotion on the malingering of a lying deceitful poor excuse for a man :)

Concentrate on your and the DC. You deserve better than this situation. Never forget who put you here.

Well done you! You are doing the right thing! I'm so proud of you. Keep strong

Well done for being so strong.

As for your H looking pathetic, tis part of the cheater's script - watch out for fake suicide threats and pretend mental breakdowns, they will use everything they can to get their cozy comfortable lives back

So glad you have family support at this time. Wishing you lots of strength.

In fact, you need back your half of the £150K as well. - No, ALL OF IT. That is called, using marital assets.

I believe you when you say he is falling apart. Consequences can be such a bitch.

What did he THINK was going to happen? I wonder if he watched Tiger Woods' life fall apart at all?
As that immature selfish entitled man said: I am now going to try to become a better human being. Yup.

You could say to him: you could show some effort. You could try to check into IC like NOW and examine why you do what you do, and face yourself. In about 2 year's time when you have searched yourself, you could try to re-engage. But I might have moved on.