Found Out My Husband is Sleeping With Escorts

[bagpus77]

[Message from MNHQ: This thread was started in 2012. It's a zombie thread. Just saying...]

Hi all,

I am a mother of two beautiful children ad the wife of a man I adore. We have been together always and last week I discovered he has been sleeping with escorts for at least half of our married life.

He denied it until there was no way out and so last night the man who I thought I could trust told me everything.

He was paying for sex each week with various different hookers or whatever it is they are called. He said he finds me dull in bed and that since the kids my need for sex is almost not there and he didn't want to bug me for sex.

I am devastated and just dont know what to do other than cry and feel so angry. I can't look at him anymore for betraying me and my trust.

I love him but don't like him much right now.

Bagpuss, you must be hurting like hell. And angry. So angry. My heart really goes out to you. gather as much RL support around you as possible. And yes, tell people what's happened as other people's shock and disgust will help give you resolve and feel protected.

There is absolutely no shame on you - though I know that you will feel it. The shame is all his.

BUT more importantly, before heading off anywhere, I would advise you to gather some strength and see to some major practical issues first. You need to speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand re money. Your husband has proved himself to be a master manipulator and consummate liar. Now that he's been found out, he is not suddenly going to change, even if he deigns to shed a few crocodile tears. In fact he may turn nasty - he has already tried to blame you for his behaviour after all.

Where has he been keeping the money he has been using to pay these women all these years? Does he have a secret/separate sole account or credit card that you do not know about?

I'd be interested to know what a solicitor says about how a divorce judge would take into account the thousands of pounds of family money he must have squandered over the years.

Set up a sole account in your name, if you do not already have one, and
if you have any joint savings that you have access to without needing his signature then I would certainly transfer them into your sole account and fast. This is not illegal. It is joint money and you can transfer it anywhere you like, as can he.

Is the house in joint names? How much debt do you have?

Get together as many past bank/savings/investments statements as you can and keep them somewhere safe. Copies of his payslips.

Make a note now, of everything that he has told you so far. Write it all down, even the grisly bits, because you may not remember it all later and it may come in useful if he tries to change his story or as evidence.

Keep any texts or emails he sends you.

TBH, i would not consider going anywhere right now. I would stay in your house and get your Husband to leave. Being in France won't actually solve anything and might give him the opportunity to organise affairs to his advantage.

Ask him to leave the family home at once. Do let him take a key with him. If he wishes to see the children he can arrange a time and place with you or through a third party if you are not up to communicating with him.

Will think of other things. Big big hugs to you.

My H was away on a business trip, got drink and where they were there we're plenty of escorts available. He says he doesn't remember much.

I haven't been able to tell anyone in RL what has happened. I'm too ashamed, it feels like there was something lacking in my part that he did this. But don't do what's did, it's hard but you will need support. Since I couldn't face telling anyone, GP includes, I went to a private clinic and paid to be tested for all the STDS.

My H did it the once, and we are still trying to work through it. The hurt and pain he has caused me and that I'm still feeling is immense. We are 8 months in since I found out and have another DC. But I haven't forgiven him. I don't know when and if I can. And our marriage isn't what it was.

The embarrassment and feelings of shame are there. But it's like everyone has said here, none of it is your fault. It's your H that should feel ashamed not you.

I have made an appointment to go to a private London clinic to be tested and I have also spoke to a solicitor who tells me there are plenty of grounds for divorce but that mediation is a very useful tool too.

My husband has been using money from his online bank account to pay for sex and when I have asked him to give me a figure he says he can't. He did say that he pays for hours at a time and that is over £400 so do the maths! That's a house and a car or even better education for our kids.

I am so angry, he won't tell me who these women are but I know he sees some often and treats them as friends. These women must be totally desperate to take money of married men. They must know he's married unless he hides his wedding ring too.

I will wait until tuesday for my results and the HIV test comes back within 24 hours. He is a mess and says he never meant to hurt me and that he got so deep into things he couldn't stop. Our sex life was always great and he seemed happy with this. I always made such an effort to look good and loose the baby weight quickly and keep my hair, make up, clothes nice for him but I can't compete against a model like woman. I have no idea how he finds these women or what they look like. Lat night I asked him to show me where these women work and he refused so he obviously is hiding more than he is prepared to admit.

What did he do with them? How on earth did he find the time? We run a business together and spend so much time away and with family and friends.

I don't know if I will ever be able to touch him again and when he bathed the kids last night I couldn't even watch. He makes me feel sick. I think he needs therapy but he is reluctant to go so I will go to france and talk to my mother about this and see if she can help. He has a very good relationship with her.

Our kids are our life and he is a wonderful father and has been a loving husband. We never fight and have been best friends most of our life.
I won't ever be able to trust this man again but my kids deserve a father and it would break his heart to leave them.

Don't be thinking this is about you and the way you look, or that you have to compete with 'model like women', because you are the last thing it's about when he's doing this. You are right in that clearly he has a problem, but do get advice about leaving the house as others have said.

BTW you can have mediation and then decide to divorce.

He's not a good dad. He's a shit dad and a shit man.

He has put himself and his sexual urges way way ahead of anyone else he 'loves' in his life. And he has the arrogance to actually think these women are his 'friends'. What an utter spoon as well as a thieving cheating lying dissembling pervert.

His hooker mates must fall around laughing behind his back....as they pocket your money and book him in again. What an ignorant entitled fucker he is. And tbh he's been very disingenuous in not telling you where they work. Does he think you might go round and lamp them? So he feels the need to 'protect' them? Bollocks. They're probably young enough to be his daughters and it's not some high-class escort place, but just a seedy flat off the old kent road.

You think the marriage has legs?

Well imagine yourself as an older couple sitting in a restaurant for your daughter's 21st or 30th birthday. Imagine wondering if, in his mind, as he sits there looking at your daughter, he is reminded of some 21 or 30 year old 'friendly' hooker he fucked.

If you have a son, imagine the contents of their father-son chats on his 21st birthday or on his wedding day. 'Well son, the secret to a happy marriage is....'

I urge you to consider getting far more hard and focussed than you are right now. Sod France. Stay put. Kick him into a travelodge - tell him to ring your mother himself. Let's see how long his 'good relationship' with him lasts once she knows he has been pissing her daughter and grandchildren's money and lives up the wall while he spends thousands of pounds fucking prostitutes.

Sorry to sound harsh, but what your H needs is a big steaming dose of shitty reality right now. I wonder, in his distress, whether he will find relief in the arms of one of his friendly hookers?

Men like this should just be put out at night with the cat. Only the cat comes back in.

Oh bagpus this just gets worse and worse.

Everything he is saying to try and make the situation 'better' just makes it 1,000 times worse.

He is horrendous. Ugly through and through. Lying, deceitful, entitled.

He is using and abusing all the people he comes into contact with. He could have infected your children!!

He is never going to be the man you thought he was. He is a horrible father.

He should move out. Why should you go. I know you want your mum but could she come and stay with you rather than you go to her? Surely he would not have the balls to stay in the house with her there as well.

Wonderful fathers, loving husbands and best friends do not spend family money fucking vulnerable women who may be infected with STDs that could be passed onto you and the DC.

If he was really wonderful and loving he would not have done those VILE things to his wife and the mother of his precious babies. He would be spending time and money on making life good for you all - instead of going off abusing women, lying and cheating. Yuk.

You and the DC deserve far more than what this pathetic cowardly disgusting man has to offer.

he will still be their father if you decide you no longer want to be married to a man like this

I've just thrown out my ex for this reason. Whatever you do, don't feel shame as you mention above, it's not your fault. It's his.

My personal theory is that men go to prostitutes because they feel like they're in control in that situation. They've paid her so she'll do what they want and not argue back. It's a sign of a weak, pitiful man.

It could be worse, you could've found out thirty years from now or after you'd caught some horrible disease.

You've got a chance to start and a new better life for yourself and your children; one based on happiness and integrity, not sordid lies and weakness.

Bagpuss, so sorry you?re having to go through this. You hold the cards now and it?s up to you to decide whether you can stay with him or not, but obviously he needs to be absolutely honest about why he?s been cheating on you. He says the sex is dull but that?s unfair. Did he ever mention this before he was caught? He can?t blame you for being ?dull? if you thought he was happy can he! Or when he says ?dull? does he mean he?s into kinky shit that he can only get from prostitutes? Only once you get to the bottom of this can you even hope for a reconciliation (if that?s what you?d like).

I just want to add a few things RE the escort business too (I know some escorts so know a bit about the industry) which I hope may help a little. It?s not meant to distress or wind anyone up so please take it in the spirit it was intended?

There seems to be many reasons (and I say reasons not excuses) why married or partnered men visit prostitutes. Those who don?t get or rarely get sex at home, those who don?t get any physical affection at home, those who have sexual tastes that aren?t compatible with their partner?s, and those who just want their cake and to eat it (so no matter how good the sex is at home they just want lots of other women).

Most escorts (rather than street walkers) are in the job of their own free will because they?d rather do it than some shitty low paid job with a wanker/bitch as a boss, so try not to buy into the whole ?exploited/used women? idea. There is an element of that but there?s a lot that isn?t. Some are divorcees trying to keep their children in good schools or trying to get qualifications so that they can get a career again, and the work/life balance they get from the sex industry allows them this. If anyone is used or exploited it?s the client as the women use them as walking cash machines!

Most take great care with their sexual health so in some ways a man is more likely to catch an STI from having an affair with a woman who isn?t a prostitute. Think about it, if a WG gets an STI she can?t work and if she can?t work she doesn?t earn, plus a study showed that condoms are worn not only as a physical barrier but as an emotional one too. Prostitutes often really don?t want to get that ?close? to their clients. Many will even use condoms for oral as there is a very slight risk of catching an STI from unprotected oral. So try not to worry about having caught something from your H as it?s unlikely.

I really hope it works out for you Bagpuss.

?My personal theory is that men go to prostitutes because they feel like they're in control in that situation. They've paid her so she'll do what they want and not argue back. It's a sign of a weak, pitiful man?
ThisIsNotMyLife, your theory doesn?t match my experience of the higher end of the industry. Putting aside the small percentage of trafficked women, it may sound alien but you will find it?s most certainly the ladies who are in control, not the men. Any hint of wankerish behaviour from clients and the ladies kick them into touch and will then refuse to see them again. Even when prostitutes offer BDSM and are the subs they are still in control. It?s not about dominating or humiliating the women it?s mainly, quite simply, about fucking/sexual pleasure, and many clients really want the lady to enjoy the experience rather than just take the money and grit their teeth.

"and many clients really want the lady to enjoy the experience"
You mean pretend. If both enjoyed it, no money would be needed. And the one with the money, has the power.

WineGoggles are you a user of prostitutes then?

CardGames, you'd be surprised. Maybe it's the male ego but so many want the escort to orgasm! I kid you not. Of course many ladies will massage their egos and fake it, although there are plenty of stories of ladies genuinely having fun with clients. They never know who's going to walk in the door and sometimes people click. It's not all dirty old men in filthy raincoats with bad attitudes to match their BO.

Karma, no, I'm a woman who knows prostitutes and consequently a fair bit more about the business than those who have either not worked in it or have never met a WG. You may also be surprised to hear that the phrase "use prostitutes" is seen as bad form and many punters will correct anyone who says this rather than "use the services of" or "hire a lady for..." There's a lot more respect for prostitutes from their clients than Harriet Harmon or the Daily Fail would have people believe.
Anyway, sorry Bagpuss for highjacking your thread.

winegoggles, valid point. I am not degrading why a women may choose to be a prostitute or make a living from being one but do feel overwhelmed that I could have been a lot richer had I had sex with my husband and charged him. I mean what on earth was I doing if he could go and get better else where?

As for sexual quirks, I would be highly surprised if he is into anything too extreme, we have tried pretty much everything and I was always the one who was opening up new ideas to him. Maybe I opened up too much.

I doubt if he was there to pleasure them, he can be selfish in bed so paying to see someone orgasm is unlikely . He has always loved female company but until this week I wasn't aware of just how much.

I have decided to still go to france tomorrow with the kids and my mother has agreed to travel back with me and stay here next week. What he gets up to in that time I don't care about. He wouldn't dare change the locks and if he wants to pay for more sex he is welcome to. Now he's been found out I think he might think twice. If he does well whats one or two more after hundreds?

The girl he sees regularly is from an agency site but gave him his number. She lives alone in Earls Court he told me and is a graduate. Maybe she can wash his socks and cook his meals from now. I want to see a picture of her but researching on the internet they are all graduates living in posh parts of London with flawless skin and perfect bodies. I don't see any of these girls when I go to work or walk around central london. They must be on their backs at home.

Bagpuss, I doubt very much if they?d want him and his socks. These ladies are often very good actresses, paid to be the perfect mistress for the duration of the booking, but what the men forget is that they are just normal women (OK, albeit that they sell sexual services). They sit around in their tracksuits at home, watching rom-coms with their partners, take kids to school, etc. Many clients only see the fantasy not the reality, and I dare say forget these women actually take a dump! A client turning up at a prostitute?s house because he thought there was anything more than a business arrangement would end up wearing the door on his face.

It sounds like your husband can?t ?blame? you at all, and is the run of the mill selfish cake eating sod. I really hope you heal quickly from this. Take care.

P.S. the ?graduates? thing on profiles may or may not be a marketing ploy to encourage the educated gent to visit. Some are some aren?t. And ignore the flawless skin as there?s a lot of photoshopping in the industry, and the reality doesn?t necessarily match the picture.

I can totally understand how angry you must be feeling about the money he?s spent (apart from the betrayal) and if my partner saw prostitutes behind my back and I found out, one way of making it up to me would be to work out how much he?d spent on them and give me the same as a gift. That would be a start.

"Our kids are our life and he is a wonderful father and has been a loving husband. We never fight and have been best friends most of our life.
I won't ever be able to trust this man again but my kids deserve a father and it would break his heart to leave them."

No the children are your life, he has been taking money out of the family purse to pursue these women. Your children can still have their father but you deserve so much more.

I do think after this truth has come out that you can never unknow, this alone would make me want to end my marriage.

Winegoggles, how on EARTH would giving her the same money as he's spent on hookers make things any better.

They are a family. Every penny that he has spent on prostitutes is money that they have not been paying of the mortgage, investing in their children, spending on family time.

To say that he should waste an equivalent amount do she can treat herself to something nice is beyond belief and incredibly insulting.

Shotinfoot is right
So is the poster who said about imagine your children as adults.
I doubt your husband was thinking of your business or children etc when he was on little 'dates' and repeatedly sticking his nob in sex workers.
Personally I would not even entertain the concept of staying with a man who did this-repeatedly, and who's not even pretending to be sorry-as I would want better for myself and the children.
And, as AnyFucker said, he'll be their father whether or not he's married.

I reckon over £150,000 plus he has spent. I don't like shoes that much. The money is not as relevant as there is no cost on cheating. I ordered a cheaper leather for a custom made sofa last month for us and he told me I should have gone for the better leather. I wish I had now. Should never have felt guilty about spending a penny, he didn't.

£150K

Bloody hell :( That's a fuck of a lot of money. I am seriously hoping you and your DC want for nothing as far as material things go.

He spent £150,000 on prostitutes?? That is more than my house is worth That would have set up either of your children's education, set them up in their first homes! I feel sick on your behalf bagpuss :(

You are right thought, its not bout the money, its the betrayal, but the money compounds that. That is not blowing the holiday budget or his extras, that is serious money.

I think Unknowns husband made a one off mistake, i would be horrified if my DP did ths, but i would like to think i could forgive him in the right circumstances.

Your DH has done this over and over, and formed relationships with the prostitutes (the sad thing is they are just humouring him)

I think you are doing the right thing by leaving, but its very complicated im sure with the business and everything, you need sound legal advice.

One thing you must know - you are not taking your children away from their father, he did that all by himself

I am also perplexed by Winegoggles comments - no amount of money makes up for what he has done. I am sure the OP is just not that shallow!!!