Is this normal for a man or is he completely heartless?

[Dreamless]

For those of you who haven't read my other thread, I work as an escort. Yesterday I had a particularly vile client, which affected me quite badly. When I get home DH always wants to know what happened in the booking. Now, I'm extremely thick skinned (you wouldn't believe some of the things I have to do) and I never ever get upset or let it bother me to the point of tears, but yesterday when he asked about it I started crying because I felt horrid.

He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand. I told him I can't make him understand because he's never had to do what I do. We left it at that. Later on in bed he started questioning me again about what I did in the booking and then started accusing me of keeping something from him. He thought I must have done something I shouldn't and I was crying from a guilty conscience!! I, AGAIN, tried to explain that I'd had a horrible booking which had left me feeling like shit and all his suspicion and lack of care was making me even more upset. To which he got mad, snapped at me to turn the light out, rolled over and promptly started snoring. I then just cried myself to sleep.

All I wanted from him was a hug ffs. Some kind of sign that he cares about me.

What I'd like to know is did he act like this because he's got a male brain and can't comprehend what happened, doesn't know what to do etc etc., or does he really just not give a flying fuck about me?

Sorry for the long rant.

I think if he's happy for you to work as an escort knowing that it goes further than accompanying a man on dates, then that should have been your first sign that he does not give a shit about you.

Sorry

Exactly what mich said. Having just skimmed your 'other thread', I think you're in a relationship that is so wrong for you.

He's not happy about it, he hates it but we're in a bad situation.

I can't work him out. Sometimes I think he loves me and then he does something that shows mw he can't possibly... but it's like a yo yo, I can't be 100% sure either way and I'm sick of feeling like this.

He hasn't even mentioned it today at all. So I can go through something completely horrible and he doesn't even care enough to make sure I'm ok...

I am sorry , I have no concept of how you working as an escort can be ok to you both but I am sorry that you are hurting .

Do you want to talk about what happened ?

No. Being insensitive and selfish is not 'a male brain'.

I can't easily equate with the situation you are describing, it must be filled with complex emotions, but I can not imagine a situation where I would be distressed and my dh would only be concerned about his ego and would not care about my being upset.

I don't know anything about your other thread so I may be missing something, but your view of typical male behaviour seems to be off.

...umm...leaving aside the fact that he has been particularly uncaring over this incident...you have previously said that he is a liar, a cheat and sometimes very violent...it looks like he is continuing in the vein of not appreciating loving or caring for you.

I am very sorry this relationship looks like it is very very bad for you.

It's not ok, I hate it. I have to do it at this point in life. Hopefully not for much longer, but generally I've developed a thick skin to it.

It's really difficult to explain because it's not like anything major happened, it was just the feel of the whole booking from start to finish. Mostly the clients are well mannered, polite etc., this one was just a cunt. Bossy, disgusting, vile, rough. Honestly, it sounds crazy but mostly you can forget what it is you're doing, i can go into robot mode where I'm ticking off my shopping list in my head or planning what I'm going to cook when i get home... some i even find quite amusing. This time though, i just couldn't stop thinking the whole time about the fact that I'm somewhere i completely don't want to be but am forced to be for an allotted time simply because some cunt has given me money. I very nearly gave him his money back and told him to fuck off. I wish i had now.

I understand that you may have to do escort work if things are difficult (haven't read your other threads) but from this and what has been said about your relationship on this thread, I think you need to look at your whole view of men and how you think you deserve to be treated.

Your job is one where you are, presumably, paid to be charming and compliant (within parameters that you hopefully control) and it's unlikely that you are valued particularly. You are in a relationship where you clearly have no value in the eyes of your partner. Why do you feel it is ok for you to hold positions where you are unlikely to be valued for yourself in both your work and personal life?

I'm not trying to upset you but I think you have wider issues to resolve.

even your mn name is sad.....what do you want to do? doesn't sound like your DP is helping your life?

Dreamless I am sorry that you feel you this is your only choice . Surely anything is better than doing something you clearly hate so much .

Can I ask if your partner is working as a male escort as things are so bad for you both ? If not why not ?

You don't have to do this , there will be another way .

Wow, my DP won't let me go back to being a care worker because I found it hard. Yours forces you to be an escort?

Trust me, being patronised by the jobcentre is not worse than that

I think he's not the right man for you. You will need to find someone very special to be that person who can accept what your job is and be supportive of you.

OhDoGetAGrip - I don't think it's ok. I love my DH and that causes me to cling onto the slightest possibility that he may care about me. His reaction last night has just started me questioning this yet again.

Foolonthehill - I just want to be loved and looked after by my DH, if I knew I had that I could deal with almost anything else.

Travellingwilbury - Hahaha! He would not have the stomach for it!! Seriously though, he doesn't have the time. He's trying to get his company off the ground.

Thank you everyone for replying, but I'm not thinking about leaving him, I love him, I just trying to work out how HE feels about me...

But you don't have the stomach for it either , you have already said that you hate doing it . You don't want to be doing it so what is making you continue ?

How many hours a day do you spend doing this ? Ok he is starting a new business but even two hours a day from him would bring in some more money ? Or is it just ok for you to be doing something that makes you feel so shite ?

I am honestly not knocking you , I hope you get that , I just don't understand how someone who is supposed to love you and want you to be happy can treat you this way .

I think that is the crux isn't it?
You are on here trying to equate the way be behaves towards you with 'male brain' behaviour, trying to kid yourself that how he treats you is the fault of his hormones or gender.
And you are having to puzzle over it, seeking out his super secret signs of caring and affection and love.

I know my DH loves me because he asks me about my day, makes me coffee in the morning, frets about whether I am happy and tries to find ways to make my life better. Like most partners do.

You shouldn't need to try and look for clues. It shouldn't be that hard

Going against the grain here...but, if he has asked you what was wrong, twice, and you didn't tell him what it was then I think he has every reason to be a bit miffed.
If I was him I would need to know what was wrong (everything) to be able to trust you in your line of work.
Yes maybe he should have been abit more sensitive, but I think if any relationship is going to work with that line of work, you need to be able to tell each other everything without hesitation and be very open, or say nothing atall.

I hope that doesn't sound to harsh.

And if you hate doing it then you shouldn't be doing it.

Get a bar job, theres always one somewhere. Money is never that bad for you to sleep with men for money. There are other options!

Have you ever had any help with the things in your past that make you feel so worthless ?

You are not being treated in the way a loved person should be . I truly hope in some way you know this . You deserve better .

He doesn't love you or care about you the way he should .

i'm sorry about your awful call Dreamless.

i think your DH probably sees you as someone who's there to meet HIS needs, and when you're unhappy, he probably gets annoyed and wants you to shut up about it.

so he makes you feel shit, so that you won't tell him you're sad next time.

it's unlikely that he loves you. love means respect and care, and he doesn't seem to have either of those things for you. i'm sorry.

but he probably finds you convenient. after all, you are currently working in the worst job on Earth, so that he's nicely supported and can start up his company. plus he gets to treat you like shit, which probably helps him get rid of some of his stress.

you really should move on. loving a man is not a reason to stay married to him. and i say that as a married woman myself.

I've asked him about doing something to bring a bit of money in but he just says it will take away from important things at work. I know what you're saying, he COULD spare a couple hours but he would never do it. He is quite selfish, he would never be able to live how I do even just for a day. I'm on call 12 hours a day, but only get maybe 2 bookings a day, usually for an hour each. 6 days a week.

He doesn't care about you , you will bank roll his business it will either work and he will bugger off or it will fail and you will bankroll his next pipe dream .

Who is looking after your dreams ?

Dreamless your posts are heartbreaking.

One day you will have a "lightbulb moment" where you'll look at the whole relationship with clear eyes and wonder what on earth you've been doing for the past few years.

Until that happens there is nothing anybody else can say which will convince you that you need to leave.

Oikopolis - There's a lot of truth in everything you've said. It's like you just voiced all my inner fears that I repress. I DO meet all his needs. If he wants a drink in the middle of the night he wakes me up to get him one, even if he knows I have to be up early the next day. Yet the one time he ever agreed to make me a drink was when I was too sick to get out of bed and he moaned about it and told me not to get used to it. Whenever I get upset his go to reaction is annoyance, developing into anger if I don't snap out of it as soon as he starts to get annoyed.

I know I do a lot more for him than he does for me.

Travellingwilbury - I think its solely being with my DH that has made me how I am. I've been with him my whole adult life... I guess I've been groomed, but it's hard to change your life when you're so used to something and someone.