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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal for a man or is he completely heartless?

136 replies

Dreamless · 21/03/2012 21:11

For those of you who haven't read my other thread, I work as an escort. Yesterday I had a particularly vile client, which affected me quite badly. When I get home DH always wants to know what happened in the booking. Now, I'm extremely thick skinned (you wouldn't believe some of the things I have to do) and I never ever get upset or let it bother me to the point of tears, but yesterday when he asked about it I started crying because I felt horrid.

He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand. I told him I can't make him understand because he's never had to do what I do. We left it at that. Later on in bed he started questioning me again about what I did in the booking and then started accusing me of keeping something from him. He thought I must have done something I shouldn't and I was crying from a guilty conscience!! I, AGAIN, tried to explain that I'd had a horrible booking which had left me feeling like shit and all his suspicion and lack of care was making me even more upset. To which he got mad, snapped at me to turn the light out, rolled over and promptly started snoring. I then just cried myself to sleep.

All I wanted from him was a hug ffs. Some kind of sign that he cares about me.

What I'd like to know is did he act like this because he's got a male brain and can't comprehend what happened, doesn't know what to do etc etc., or does he really just not give a flying fuck about me?

Sorry for the long rant.

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 24/03/2012 19:37

www.eaves4women.co.uk/Eaves_Womens_Aid/Eaves_Womens_Aid.php
This organisation run refuges like Women's Aid with expertise in women getting out of the sex industry.
Dreamless please get away from all these awful men who are ruining your life
Pleasestay in touch, there will always be support for you here

lazarusb · 24/03/2012 19:49

I agree with Oikopolis & Claude. This man is destroying you, he is the root of your problem. I think if you get away from him, you will find it very easy to walk away from the escort agency with your head held high.

JuliaScurr · 24/03/2012 19:53

Just to clarify, I did mean your 'd'p as well

lovebunny · 24/03/2012 19:57

dreamless,
working as an escort isn't what this mum would want for her baby. ok, you're there now, but you need a future without it.
the man in your life is a pervert. if he wants to hear what happened between you and other men he's a pervert. if your earnings are contributing to the family budget, he is a pimp.
he needs to go. you need him to go. get rid of the loser.
plan first. then get rid.
then sort out a life that suits you. maybe you will still escort, maybe not.
let it be your choice.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 25/03/2012 08:42

Oh Dreamless. What is this man doing to you?

He suggested you work as a woman who is paid for sex.
He has you pay his and his family's bills.
He hits you to the point where you have bruises.
He uses the fact that you sleep with other men for money as a reason to get angry at you, when he is the one pimping you out in the first place.
He has you living in fear of crossing him or leaving him.

You are clearly a soul who gives and gives and then gives some more. But he is not a worthy recipient of your generosity.

ToothbrushThief · 25/03/2012 09:07

The first step for dreamless is to identify what she wants. Does she really wish to leave?

Dreamless Sat 24-Mar-12 17:49:06

I'm just not in that place where I really 100% want to get rid of him, I can't sever my feelings for him so easily. It's like I hate him but I love him simultaneously.

Until you decide dreamless, then this situation will continue until you leave ...it will continue.

No one else can change this script of your life and I think Karma has a very good point. Sympathy may keep you here.

If you want to change this life you have, then there is support to do so.

aliasforthis2 · 25/03/2012 23:58

Dreamless,

From what you have said, you are obviously not yet ready to leave your partner. I can sense the fear of him in your posts too, and there is NO DOUBT that he is extremely abusive and destroying your self-esteem.

I think you should start by taking tiny steps - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get some long-term counselling and hopefully you will start to regain a little confidence and self-esteem. There will be some issues inside you which are making you feel you must stay with this person, stay in the industry etc , and until they are resolved it's likely you will still feel stuck.

I was an escort for years - it has left me with severe PTSD to this day and I totally understand how you feel trapped. It is very difficult for those who have never been involved in prostitution themselves to understand how we do get trapped, stuck/frozen in just getting by day to day without getting hurt, and how we deal with being treated like an object day in day out.

I was also stuck in a less-than-ideal relationship at the time. For me it got to the point where the job was making me so ill - physically and mentally, that I just couldn't continue. So I went to a local project for women in prostitution (maybe there is one near you? they won't force you into anything until you are ready) and basically just FORCED myself to keep taking steps to get out and one thing I also had to do was throw out the partner. It was hellish at the time and there were many dark times, but I applied for benefits (and was a nervous wreck waiting to see if I would be entitled to anything at all), downsized everything, got a job, got legal advice against the ex, just kept on pushing through, attending appointments, doing what needed done, because the alternative was worse.

You don't sound as if you are 'broken' yet, you still have that fighting spirit in your posts where you are standing up for yourself. You know inside you are a worthwhile and lovely person in your own right. You just need to begin to take steps to really believe you are worth more than someone who clearly doesn't love you and a damaging job you say you hate, and start living life "as if", take baby steps until it becomes reality.

God knows it's not easy! but it can be done.

What would you like to happen? Is there anywhere you can go for support? (I can try to find out for you if you like), can you access counselling? (often sex work / sexual health clinics offer free and quick counselling, but also if you can pay it is around £40 for an hour once a week even if you could squirrel some away for that).

That's another thing - can you start saving up some of your earnings, no matter how small an amount, and keeping them well away from your H? Surely he has no way of knowing exactly how much you have made? You could say that one or two bookings a week were 'no-shows'? Ultimately if you want to get out (and you say you do, I think) , there must be ways of doing it.

PM me if you like x

Take care, and whatever happens don't feel you can't come back on here for support anytime x

garlicbutter · 26/03/2012 00:15

Really good to hear from you, alias. I was wondering how you are!

Inspiring post. Well done on sorting things out, it must been quite a leap into the unknown. I hope you're getting enough support with the PTSD.

Jux · 26/03/2012 09:00

Alias, outstanding inspirational post. Congratulations on turning your life around.

Dreamless, when you are ready, we are here. Keep posting now if it helps. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest, have a cry, have a rant.

Your p is horrible to you. Please remember, YOU DON'T DESERVE IT, YOU ARE WORTH MORE.

How is your relationship with your parents/other family?

KarmaK · 26/03/2012 11:02

I've always thought prostitution must be very traumatising for women. I'm so glad you're encouraging the OP to try to leave prostitution, Alias

Vintagelover · 27/03/2012 01:03

Dreamless I feel so so sad for you. I wish there was something I could say to help but it is obvious that even though your H treats you like crap, a slave, uses you,beats you.. you somehow still love him and will stay with him.. maybe its not love, maybe it / the relationship is the only thing you know, the constant you rely on? Are you confusing love with memories of how you used to feel mixed with being scared of the unknown and the posibility of being on your own?

Realy think about it. I know you are scared what might happen if you leave but there are people and organisations who can help .. help you disapeer if needs be, but only if you want to. The only person who can realy help you is yourself.

I have a friend who works as an escort. She actualy doesnt mind her job, obviously she tells me some of the people she meets.. shed rather not but all in all its not too bad. I think you are right about escorts providing a needed service and I think if it is the persons own choice and they are happy with that path then it is ok. But NOT if they are forced into it and made to give money to someone else.

Was it your choice to escort? Did you have to talk your partner into agreeing? Or was it his idea in the first place? Unfortunatly he realy does sound like a glorified pimp :-( Y

ou are being treated so badly and you know it. Everyone deserves respect and happiness. I dont believe this man loves you, and I dont think you realy love yourself :-( Please please think long and hard about your life and how it could be so much better. If you leave him you can get help, you can look after yourself if you need to ( it wouldnt take much escorting to save for a flat deposit etc and then if you wanted to stop you could search for a proper job or even just claim benefits for the time being while you sort yourself out)

I dont realy think my message will make much difference to your way of thinking but please do THINK! I am worried for you, you are in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship .. you say you love him.. but do you realy? Is it realy love or just what you are used to. Even if you do love him .. the way he treats you it wont last forever.. and then when you are older and still stuck in the same situation but with no love .. what will you do then...

I'm sorry to sound so negative but I just want you to see that there are ways out and people who can help. You sound like a decent and inteliigent woman - I just want you to see that you can be strong - you are the only one who can change your life for the better. xxx

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