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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal for a man or is he completely heartless?

136 replies

Dreamless · 21/03/2012 21:11

For those of you who haven't read my other thread, I work as an escort. Yesterday I had a particularly vile client, which affected me quite badly. When I get home DH always wants to know what happened in the booking. Now, I'm extremely thick skinned (you wouldn't believe some of the things I have to do) and I never ever get upset or let it bother me to the point of tears, but yesterday when he asked about it I started crying because I felt horrid.

He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand. I told him I can't make him understand because he's never had to do what I do. We left it at that. Later on in bed he started questioning me again about what I did in the booking and then started accusing me of keeping something from him. He thought I must have done something I shouldn't and I was crying from a guilty conscience!! I, AGAIN, tried to explain that I'd had a horrible booking which had left me feeling like shit and all his suspicion and lack of care was making me even more upset. To which he got mad, snapped at me to turn the light out, rolled over and promptly started snoring. I then just cried myself to sleep.

All I wanted from him was a hug ffs. Some kind of sign that he cares about me.

What I'd like to know is did he act like this because he's got a male brain and can't comprehend what happened, doesn't know what to do etc etc., or does he really just not give a flying fuck about me?

Sorry for the long rant.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 21/03/2012 22:03

Dreamless - I think I have understood that your H is living off you while he follows his idea of setting up his business and that you are doing a job that is crushing you?

If this is the case I would say that he is a user and abuser of the highest order who is probably incapable of caring of anyone but himself. His displays of anger over your work are not about caring about you but about how it makes him feel about his place in the world.

I may be wrong of course but this is how it comes across to me. Moreover, if he ever did make money, I am sorry to say that he may well leave you - he is unlikely to change from a user to a giver.

It is very sad to think of you supporting all of these people in a way that is leading to your own destruction. You sound desperate to be loved, this is a need that can be horribly manipulated by those who choose to manipulate. It's an old cliche but it's best to try and start by loving yourself and being satisfied with that until someone worthwhile comes along.

colditz · 21/03/2012 22:04

Move out, and don't tell him where you've moved to.

travellingwilbury · 21/03/2012 22:05

It is hard to change your life but it can't be harder than your life is now can it ?

And yes you are right you have been groomed to think this is the way it has to be .

I don't live some sort of Disney life in a bubble of loveliness believe me but what you are going through is awful .

The help is out there .

OhDoGetAGrip · 21/03/2012 22:06

You're supposed to be his partner - not his servant... I so hope you realise that you have some value and stop letting him walk all over you. Sad

xkittyx · 21/03/2012 22:07

I'm sorry but he sounds absolutely awful. Please leave him. You only get one life, spend it with someone who actually cared about you and isn't a selfish arsehole.

Original poster
Dreamless · 21/03/2012 22:08

Eurostar - Yes he's living off me at the moment but he is a giver as well. He takes the money I make and gives it to various people in his family whenever they're short for anything so I guess he's capable of giving. I don't think he'd leave once he's started making money, we've been together 8 years, I've only been doing this job about a year and half.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 21/03/2012 22:09

I posted before I saw your last post about the drinks. You truly sound like you have been brought up to believe that you exist in this world to serve others. You have the right to so much more. Are you here in the UK? If you google, exiting prostitution, you will find some wonderful charities that, even in these days of cuts are existing and might be able to help you with counselling and practical support.

Eurostar · 21/03/2012 22:10

oh Dreamless, I so hope you can free yourself from this terrible user of a man.

travellingwilbury · 21/03/2012 22:11

He is generous with your money !

Well done him , if you give me some of your money I will be generous with it to . That does not make me "a giver"

Until you realise you are worth more than this then he will continue treating you the way he is .

You have to learn that you are worth more than the scraps he gives you .

Eurostar · 21/03/2012 22:13

..and, the taking of your money to give to HIS family, it smacks of a man who likes to pretend that he is the hero rescuer. Even more likely then that if he does make money he will leave you for probably a young late teens type who is struggling and he can make himself feel big by playing the rescuer.

I know I am only assuming but you are taking such big risks by staying with him.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 21/03/2012 22:13

This is possibly one of the most depressing threads I have ever read on MN. Sad I hope you find the strength to walk away from this life Dreamless.

oikopolis · 21/03/2012 22:14

your H gives the money you make to his family members?

darling in that case, your husband is your pimp. you are like an investment. he keeps you around, keeps you feeling shitty, and you give him money in return.

i can hear quite clearly in your words that you truly believe that you are not worth anything at all. and that unless you were "earning your keep", making your marriage "worthwhile" to your H, you feel you would not be married at all and no-one would bother with you.

am i right in that?

my heart breaks for you Dreamless. it IS possible to escape prostitution and live a life of dignity and happiness.

no human being is worthless! no human being should live in slavery to another person, just because they think they're worth nothing more. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS! you are a human being, you are precious and loveable just because you are you. anyone who told you differently is lying, and they're lying for their own selfish reasons.

it's in your H's interest to keep you feeling bad about yourself. if you felt good about yourself, if you could see the truth, you would be shot of him so quickly his head would spin.

i hope to God that you can see that one day very soon. there are no shackles around you darling, you can leave and make your own way. x

Bohica · 21/03/2012 22:15

Dreamless I feel really sad for you, you are doing something you don't want to do with no loving support from the one person in your life who should always want you to be happy and safe.

I would love my DH to be able to get a business off the ground, would he want to see me unhappy and crying in order for him to do it?

Of course not.

Bellstar · 21/03/2012 22:15

YOUR DH IS AN ABUSIVE TWAT!!! -he is just as bad if not worse than the vile men that buy your body. He doesnt love or care for you AT ALL!!! -please seek counselling to help you see that you are worth so much more than any of this.

HappyHippyChick · 21/03/2012 22:17

He wakes you up to get him a drink? Words fail me... I don't have any better advice than has already been given, but this is not normal for a man. I hope you find the strength and courage to leave him, I know you're not close to that yet, but there are some amazing posters here, with great advice, and I hope that if you keep posting they will eventually persuade you that you deserve so much better than this.

canidothisquestionmark · 21/03/2012 22:17

dreamless, you're worth so much more than this man. i really don't think he will change.

please, i really hope you find the strength within to leave him and get some support in rl to deal with what you're going through.

you don't deserve this you really don't.

SparkyMcSparrow · 21/03/2012 22:18

Yes he's living off me at the moment but he is a giver as well. He takes the money I make and gives it to various people in his family whenever they're short for anything so I guess he's capable of giving. I don't think he'd leave once he's started making money, we've been together 8 years, I've only been doing this job about a year and half

Ok forget what I said, I have read your other posts.

He takes your money and gives it to his family, when you are struggling? Confused
It does not mean he is a giver it means he is a twat.

Get out now while your still you!

travellingwilbury · 21/03/2012 22:19

And for the record the way he is behaving has nothing to do with him having a penis , I certainly wouldn't even call him a man . I know many and not one of them would behave this way .

Original poster
Dreamless · 21/03/2012 22:21

Oh God, I feel worse than I did before I started the thread :(. This can't possibly be THE most depressing thread on here, surely. :( I know you're all right and I'm an idiot to be here in this situation. I hope I can come back here in a years time and tell you that everything has changed for the better... at this moment in time I'm just not strong enough to make any big changes, I'm just trying to hold it together day to day.

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 21/03/2012 22:24

Nobody wants to make you feel worse than you already do , I just think you need to know that you are worth more than this half life .

You will have a better life without him in your life and when you are ready to start those steps you will find many people on here willing to hold your hand through the process .

SparkyMcSparrow · 21/03/2012 22:25

You are always strong enough!

Do you really think its right for you to be doing what you do if you are just holding it together?

He is not helping you! Your job is not helping you!

Eurostar · 21/03/2012 22:27

Please don't think of yourself as an idiot. You are surviving the only way you know how it seems to me. We are piling in quite strong here but if you reach out to people in the relevant charities or women's aid, they will be more gentle with you. You clearly care a great deal about others and I am sure I am not alone in hoping that one day you will be involved with people who are deserving of your care.

AKissIsNotAContract · 21/03/2012 22:28

You're not an idiot, please don't think that. This man sounds like a horrible abuser and it's easy to be taken in by a man like that. Lots of us have been with abusive men, that's how we can recognise them so easily. Sorry to say, but your situation does sound extreme. I really feel that the work you are doing will lower your self esteem, and being with this man is lowering it further.

oikopolis · 21/03/2012 22:30

oh Dreamless
your thread is very difficult to read because it's painful to hear someone living a life like you are, all for the benefit of someone who seems so abusive and horrible. it's just heartbreaking.

it's depressing because we can SEE how much more life has to offer you. and we wish you were out there enjoying it, instead of sticking in such a dreadful, painful situation.

oikopolis · 21/03/2012 22:31

and you're not an idiot. no-one gets into these situations because they're stupid. usually this stuff happens because the person has been treated badly their whole lives, and they are just carrying on with life as they know it Sad

it's not about being stupid.
you sound articulate and bright and caring and perceptive. not stupid at all!

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