Is this normal for a man or is he completely heartless?

[Dreamless]

For those of you who haven't read my other thread, I work as an escort. Yesterday I had a particularly vile client, which affected me quite badly. When I get home DH always wants to know what happened in the booking. Now, I'm extremely thick skinned (you wouldn't believe some of the things I have to do) and I never ever get upset or let it bother me to the point of tears, but yesterday when he asked about it I started crying because I felt horrid.

He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand. I told him I can't make him understand because he's never had to do what I do. We left it at that. Later on in bed he started questioning me again about what I did in the booking and then started accusing me of keeping something from him. He thought I must have done something I shouldn't and I was crying from a guilty conscience!! I, AGAIN, tried to explain that I'd had a horrible booking which had left me feeling like shit and all his suspicion and lack of care was making me even more upset. To which he got mad, snapped at me to turn the light out, rolled over and promptly started snoring. I then just cried myself to sleep.

All I wanted from him was a hug ffs. Some kind of sign that he cares about me.

What I'd like to know is did he act like this because he's got a male brain and can't comprehend what happened, doesn't know what to do etc etc., or does he really just not give a flying fuck about me?

Sorry for the long rant.

Dreamless I echo what so many are saying on here, you really are worth so much more than all of this, if only you could realise that. My heart breaks for you that you are being abused like this, you are obviously such a lovely, lovely person and you deserve to be treated with care and compassion.

I hope that in time you find the strength to move away from all that is causing you sadness and find the happiness that you deserve.

Please, Dreamless - he is literally whoring you out.

You deserve better. You really do.

Dreamless

We humans are very adaptable. Take someone out of the countryside and plonk them in the city and they adapt quickly. Soon the city becomes their norm. And I know this is presumptuous but I imagine your line of work became the norm at some point and when you leave it no doubt you'll look back and see it as anything but the norm. Sometimes it's difficult to see the woods for the trees.

We also have a great capacity for fear, and fear is usually the unknown. It often stops us moving forwards or exploring new possibilities as it's better to stick with the devil we know rather than take a scary leap of faith. But if it wasn't for leaps of faith the human race would still be swinging around in trees picking nits out of each other's hair. < ponders the simple life >

One only need look at your thread title to realize that part of you at least thinks what you are living through and the way your partner treats you is normal, and from the outside it seems likely that you've been treated badly all through your life.

I and all the other posters are here to tell you that this is not normal. I say this as a human and as a man. It's not even close to normal. I sense you have a very strong urge to have someone love you and treat you right, to take care of you, but this isn't it and you'll never find it if you stay where you are for any length of time.

Out there somewhere in your future is a different you. Possibly she's just finished a degree, possibly she's finished training and has found a decent job she loves, met a decent partner who treats her with respect, who loves her and tells her so, who listens to her concerns at night and gives her a hug when she needs it and when she doesn't. There is a different life out there but the only person who can find that person is you.

From your posts I estimate you earn about £1k per week. If you weren't giving all this money to your partner you could move out tomorrow into a decent flat or house and find the head space to plan your future.

If there's one thing I think you need to do right now it is to start putting money aside for you. It needs to be off your partners radar and it needs to be there for you for the possibility that one day you'll take a leap of faith and go looking for the you that lives a fulfilling and happy life.

I wish you all the best I'm sure it's a hard road ahead whatever you choose to do, but one fork in the junction as uphill as it may look does even out, and will lead to a better place than where you are now.

Dreamless, so sad for you, a member of my family was in your position and it was so painful, she got out but has never been the same, you can see the hurt in her eyes, please break free with the support of agencies who are set up specifically to help

Wow MrGin beautiful post.

I really hope Dreamless sees that what you are saying is absolutely spot on.

i agree - MrGin, wonderful post. Dreamless I hope you manage to follow advice given and get away from him.

Brilliant post Mr. Gin. Dreamless, read that again and again and please start believing that there is a hell of a lot more to life than the road you are travelling now.

I also applaud Mr Gin's post.

Dreamless - please consider stopping the escorting. It will destroy your sense of self. Trust me on that.

Your man is not behaving as if he loves you, I'm sorry to say. You are worth far more than you're allowing yourself to be.

I feel very sorry for you but the fact that you work as a prostitute shows you have little self-esteem or self-respect. You cannot expect a man to show you the feelings you don't have for yourself.

There are much better ways to earn a living which will not erode your self of sense in this way. You've had some great advice here- are you willing to act on it?

Dreamless I am so sorry you have had such a shitty time. You don't deserve any of it.

Customers like that one should be made to wear a giant "C" for cunt on their foreheads to warn others.

What I find really really sad is that if he didn't give what he didn't have or earned then you would not have had to have sex with a vile man who made your skin crawl to earn it!!!

You really deserve so much more. I hope you see this and get the hell out of this relationship.

I have nothing to add but my support, love and admiration for you Dreamless.

You are worth so much more than you have at the moment. PLEASE be a little bit more brave, a little bit more bold and reach out in RL and get someone to help you out of this. The Eaves project is just what you need I think.

More support, love and admiration from me. Your posts are thoughtful and perceptive, you know? There is so much potential in you, for a fuller, more secure life in which you will be loved and valued. Gin's post was great, and so are others. I hope you're beginning to see that people honestly care for you. Because you are worth it.

Dreamless, I am concerned about your safety. If you are getting bad vibes from a booking please please walk away if you can or do whatever you can to stay safe. No money is worth your getting injured or worse. Your line of work is very dangerous which is another reason why your DH is contemptible for encouraging you to continue in it. Thinking of you and wishing you well for a brighter future.

Hi Dreamless,

Keep reading MrGin's post, it's beautifully put.
You are worth more than this. You do not deserve this treatment. Your H says he hates your job? He likes the money.
You are doing this job you hate, to set up his business. You must see that.

You can get away from all this. Little steps at a time. You should read Sweepit's thread, different circumstances yes, but she is doing one small thing each day so it doesn't feel like a mountain.

Big hugs and support. We're here to rant at/talk to if/when you need it.

MrGin, you're completely right. I've known about the amazing adaptability of humans ever since I realised I'd gotten used to living with regular beatings. I knew it wasn't anywhere near normal to live like that but I had adapted to it. The violence got less frequent up until I started this line of work.

The part you wrote about that 'other me' was beautiful and reminded me of that film, Another Earth. I think about things like that often. I wonder what my life would be like if I'd never met my H. I wish I could go back in time and slap my teenage self silly. I'm not ready to uproot myself now and leave. I've heard that a high percentage of women suffering domestic violence are killed after they try to leave their partner and I've no doubt mine would kill me if he found me. He travels up and down the UK often for his work and knows people everywhere; I'd literally have to move to Scotland or something.

I need to be near to my family because they're the only thing that keeps me sane. I couldn't bear to be away from them, as well as going through the hardship of leaving someone I do actually love and also being holed up, terrified of the repercussions. :(

I want to thank everyone who has replied and apologise for not responding to each post, though I have read them all and am really grateful for your thoughts and time.

I've no doubt mine would kill me if he found me. He travels up and down the UK often for his work and knows people everywhere; I'd literally have to move to Scotland or something. I need to be near to my family

Love, it sounds to me like you are looking for all the reasons to stay in this bad situation, rather than looking at the ways to get out of it.

That's ok, by the way: many of us have been there and done just the same. These things take time. And I understand the very real fear of physical violence as a repercussion for stepping out of line from a controller's grasp.

I just wanted to say that there are shelters, whose location is secret. You don't need to move to Siberia to be safe. And even if you do, the move to Siberia does not need to be permanent: your family will still be there when you return if ever you need to drop out of sight for a while.

There is a way up and out for you. I sincerely hope you find it and hold on to it, because you so very much deserve a better life.

x

I agree with HotDAMN. He has you believing he is omnipotent. He isn't. It's going to take time, but eventually, one day you will see just how pathetic he really is. People like him tend to be lazy and have no staying power, because they are spineless- which is why they do what they do in order to feel like 'big men'.

You may be surprised by how light you feel once you've got away from him. And you may need to redefine the meaning of 'love', too.

A shelter may be a good idea. You might find it helpful to meet other people in a similar situation and see what you have in common with one another.

Dreamless, please ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship.

Because I can't work it out. Sorry.

Do any of your family/ friends know the nature of your work? If yes, what do they think about this situation? If no, what do they think you do instead?

Does your partner tell those close to him about this financial set-up? If he does, how does he describe it to people? If not, why do you think that might be?

It will be difficult to leave him, but not as difficult as it will be to think about, one day, why you wasted a part of your life doing something that made you so unnecessarily sad.

You don't deserve this Dreamless. Who said life had to be like this? It doesn't. He's made choices for you, but you still have choices left. There's a reason that people have said that this is one of the saddest things they've ever read on Mumsnet.

Please seek help. You should be out today, enjoying the sunshine and living a life where you make your own choices, not grinning and bearing a life that clearly makes you so vulnerable and unhappy.

Dreamless, this is a really horrible situation for you to be in

It seems like you are not feeling strong enough to leave right now, how about going to counselling and not telling your husband? That will help you to look at this situation and become stronger!

I would love to tell you to leave right now but you need to do it when you feel strong enough xx

I'm on call 12 hours a day, but only get maybe 2 bookings a day, usually for an hour each. 6 days a week.

So you must be making at least £1200 a week. Maybe more? I know you said you really need to do this right now but do you actually need that £1200 a week? Could you not get by on an office job salary or something that doesn't compromise your dignity?

Dreamless, it doesnt cost much to change your name by deed poll X

lovely post MrGin

KarmaK, I'm not compromising my dignity thank you. I still have my dignity. I'm the same person I was before I became an escort.

If I could get by on an ordinary job I wouldn't be doing this. I have my own rent and bills to pay as well as some family members bills. I have a funeral to pay off, which is very expensive. Then there's the money I put into dh's company. I paid this months rent a week late, so I'm obviously not making more money than i need. I don't spend any money on myself; it's all gone before i get the chance.

notsurewhyohwhy - dh is very controlling. I couldn't go to counselling without him knowing about it. Though I have seen a CBT in the past when I was feeling suicidal and tbh they didn't really help much at all. I don't really know what would help tbh.