Is this normal for a man or is he completely heartless?

[Dreamless]

For those of you who haven't read my other thread, I work as an escort. Yesterday I had a particularly vile client, which affected me quite badly. When I get home DH always wants to know what happened in the booking. Now, I'm extremely thick skinned (you wouldn't believe some of the things I have to do) and I never ever get upset or let it bother me to the point of tears, but yesterday when he asked about it I started crying because I felt horrid.

He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand. I told him I can't make him understand because he's never had to do what I do. We left it at that. Later on in bed he started questioning me again about what I did in the booking and then started accusing me of keeping something from him. He thought I must have done something I shouldn't and I was crying from a guilty conscience!! I, AGAIN, tried to explain that I'd had a horrible booking which had left me feeling like shit and all his suspicion and lack of care was making me even more upset. To which he got mad, snapped at me to turn the light out, rolled over and promptly started snoring. I then just cried myself to sleep.

All I wanted from him was a hug ffs. Some kind of sign that he cares about me.

What I'd like to know is did he act like this because he's got a male brain and can't comprehend what happened, doesn't know what to do etc etc., or does he really just not give a flying fuck about me?

Sorry for the long rant.

Why are you paying your family members' bills?

cushionyet - my family think dh brings all the money in from his company, they don't have a clue. He also makes out to everyone else that he's bringing the money in. Everyone around us thinks I'm just a housewife.

Could you not try and get help with your rent? I mean from the council.

hotDAMN - there's a reason but I'm sorry I'm getting uncomfortable with going into all these details, I don't want anyone to recognise me from anything I'm putting on here. I'll just say they're his family members not mine, mine don't ask for a penny, ever.

KarmaK, we do already get some help as dh is self employed and non profit making at minute, but it doesn't help a lot. It must be hard to understand but the outgoings outweigh the income some months! I've tried to look for anything that can be cut back but I can't find anything.

You did mention that earlier, Dreamless. Basically, he's just using you to make himself look like the big man

I was trying to think of sneaky escape routes. You might not be quite ready to free yourself yet, but it's good to have backup plans for when you are. Does he control your work, or does an agency? If you were to confide in your agent, would they be able to help you - even with something as simple as taking out a new credit card with their address? Just trying out some ideas ...

I think you need to go to the police or to a shelter. This is Domestic Violence due to the emotional abuse element.

But then again you say the escort work doesn't affect your dignity so maybe there's no problem here and you should just continue?

Credit cards ... If you got a new one or two you could probably opt for online account management and have the actual card sent to your bank? (not sure about this, btw, there must be ways to keep a financial transaction away from a partner.)

KarmaK. This is possibly the wrong thread for you to be posting on.

KarmaK I can't work out if you're trying to genuinely help or if you're being facecious.

Of course I have my dignity, how can you say otherwise? I'm the same person I was before I started escorting.

Of course it affects me, but in an emotional way - it doesn't affect my humanity or my worth as a person, and no one has the right to make that judgement on another person. I'm doing a job most people don't want. I'm one of the people that go out there and satisfy an obvious need for a lot of men. Hell, how do you know escorts aren't preventing an awful lot more rapes from happening than if we didn't exist! Where would all the horny perverts go?? A little understanding would go a long way. I say all this having spoken to a lot of girls in my agency and most of them hate it as much as i do, but we all have our reason for doing it.

Dreamless - whose idea was it that you became an escort- yours or his? Does he enjoy knowing you are with other men?
I really feel for you. You must have an amazing resilience to do what you do. But you deserve to be happier and you shouldn't have to boost his financial ego.

garlicbutter - I work for an agency and they know my situation; I've had to cancel bookings/ take time off work when I've had bruises/ black eyes etc., so they know everything. They're really nice and have also urged me to leave him and offered help. I'm just not in that place where I really 100% want to get rid of him, I can't sever my feelings for him so easily. It's like I hate him but I love him simultaneously.

Lazarusb - apparently it was my idea, though the conversation pretty much consisted of him suggesting I work in a brothel and me saying I'd rather work for a high class escort agency than in a seedy brothel... at that point this was all theoretical as I never thought it would ever happen. But from that now every time I complain about having to do it he throws in my face that it was 'all your idea'.

Of course it affects me, but in an emotional way - it doesn't affect my humanity or my worth as a person

Of course it doesn't affect your worth as a person! What I am trying to say is that working as an escort surely insults a person's dignity. I know this is perhaps what certain people on this thread do not want to hear...but if you were happy with your escort work and truly felt good about doing it you would not even have started this thread. My view is that you need to stop doing it. It is unfair to yourself to continue.

KarmaK. This is possibly the wrong thread for you to be posting on.

I disagree. I stand by everything that I have said here. Dreamless has clearly stated that she hates doing this work and that her partner is abusive. I am not going to be able to encourage her to stay with an abusive partner or to continue prostituting herself. She deserves better, as does every human being. As long as she remains with this abusive partner and working as a prostitute, how are things going to improve for her?

Dreamless, this is all so incredibly sad. I wish you would just get rid of the abusive lump and seek out the life you want for yourself.

You only get one shot, remember that. You deserve so, so much more and I hope soon you realise that.

He sees you as a gravy train and little else from what you have said. Vile.

Dreamless - i feel very sad for you.

He sounds absolutely awful. I haven't read any previous threads so don't know your history. But when facing financial problems i would say the majority of men do not suggest their wives go to work in a Brothel.

I find it sad that you say you love him. I hope you find a way to live your life without him controlling you i really do.

You diminished the nature of OP's relationship, Karma: she is suffering physical, emotional, financial, sexual and psychological abuse. You followed that up with a snide comment about "maybe there's no problem". This suggests you've got a problem with the work Dreamless does and with comprehending the horrors of her home life. All of which is fair enough, but seriously lacking in compassion for this discussion.

Dreamless, I know you're well able to stick up for yourself! Just thought you might be a bit tired of doing so. Hope that's okay.

Oops, meant to add: I'm glad to hear your agency knows and is on side. That could turn out to be a big help.

You diminished the nature of OP's relationship, Karma: she is suffering physical, emotional, financial, sexual and psychological abuse.

I think her partner is VILE. I am certainly not sticking up for him.

But when facing financial problems i would say the majority of men do not suggest their wives go to work in a Brothel.

Exactly. It's not on.

Thanks garlicbutter, it does get difficult having to explain myself all the time. I know it's all a bit hard for people to understand, but I don't want to have to be on the defence too much.

I think you need to step out of this a bit Dreamless. I would put money on him suggesting it but turning it round to be your idea. That way he can blame you. If you had a friend/sister in your shoes now, what would you say to her?

Please phone Women's Aid/Samaritans...anyone who can help and support you. You say you aren't ready to end this but I think you know you can't go on. The life you are living is unsafe and miserable on every level as far as I can see

Dreamless i think that your problem is your partner, not actually your job. would you agree? the way i see it is, your work isn't ideal, and obviously it would be preferable to do something else... but your real, immediate problem is your attachment to this man.

do you think that if you continued at the agency, but got away from him, things might be fairly ok? whereas if you quit the escorting and stuck around with him, your life might become more and more awful?

i agree oikopolis, HE is the problem.