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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal for a man or is he completely heartless?

136 replies

Dreamless · 21/03/2012 21:11

For those of you who haven't read my other thread, I work as an escort. Yesterday I had a particularly vile client, which affected me quite badly. When I get home DH always wants to know what happened in the booking. Now, I'm extremely thick skinned (you wouldn't believe some of the things I have to do) and I never ever get upset or let it bother me to the point of tears, but yesterday when he asked about it I started crying because I felt horrid.

He asked what was wrong and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand. I told him I can't make him understand because he's never had to do what I do. We left it at that. Later on in bed he started questioning me again about what I did in the booking and then started accusing me of keeping something from him. He thought I must have done something I shouldn't and I was crying from a guilty conscience!! I, AGAIN, tried to explain that I'd had a horrible booking which had left me feeling like shit and all his suspicion and lack of care was making me even more upset. To which he got mad, snapped at me to turn the light out, rolled over and promptly started snoring. I then just cried myself to sleep.

All I wanted from him was a hug ffs. Some kind of sign that he cares about me.

What I'd like to know is did he act like this because he's got a male brain and can't comprehend what happened, doesn't know what to do etc etc., or does he really just not give a flying fuck about me?

Sorry for the long rant.

OP posts:
ToothbrushThief · 21/03/2012 22:32

Turn the tables around. Would he do what you do and let you take the money to give to your family whilst you 'built' a business which brought no money in?

He wouldn't.

What makes you think you should?

You are valuable and worthy. He is not treating you like this. He's a pimp and you are in denial

I hope you escape to be happy

izzyizin · 21/03/2012 22:41

You're 'just trying to work out how HE feels about me..'?

It's obvious. He doesn't give a shit about you.

He's using you to further his own ends, and he'll leave you as soon as he's 'made it' or he's bled you dry.

Stop kidding yourself that you're an 'escort', honey. The stark reality is that you're prostituting yourself and selling your body by the hour to fund your idle h who treats you like dirt.

I feel very sad for you; there's so much more to life that the path you've chosen.

glastocat · 21/03/2012 22:42

I really hope some day you get away from this awful man who is taking your money heart and soul,and is even happy for you to sell yourself so he can be generous with your money. You poor dear, I hope that soon you see him for what he really is. If he really loved you,he wouldn't want you to be doing this when it is making you unhappy,and believe me, most women wouldn't do it at all! Maybe if he got of his arse and got a proper job you wouldn't have to sell yourself. Please look after yourself, your predicament is a very sad one.

NettleTea · 21/03/2012 22:44

you are far from being an idiot, and this is why its beginning to hurt you.
You say you have been with him all your adult life, and I am guessing he was pretty lovely when you first got together.
You are right, you have been groomed. Slowly slowly he has stolen your self esteem and your spirit for his own, and his family's benefit.
At first I thought he didnt want to hear about why you were upset because he might be jealous, but now i think he is angry, because he doesnt want you to stop bringing the money in that he is pimping you for. I expect he made you think it was your idea too? And if you had told him what was wrong he would have turned it so that it was your fault, or dismissed your feelings.
Those tears were your soul, buried deep deep inside you, letting you know that what you are doing and where you are is very very bad for you.
He is very very bad for you. You think you love him, but Im sorry, you dont know what love is. you are DEPENDANT on him, but thats because he has made you that way. And its a false dependance. You COULD walk away. You really could. You could pick up the phone and call womans aid right now and they could get you out of there. There are people out there who's job it is to get you away and safe from men like that. Marriage isnt a death sentance. It doesnt have to be for life.
Just asking - is he from the UK?

Bohica · 21/03/2012 22:45

Dreamless you are not an idiot, you may be niave but that is because you have only known this relationship, you have been togeather since you were 19, I don't expect you to know any different.

No one here can make you leave but you will find lots of support and experience, some will be very hard to read and some will be an eye opener for you, the good thing about us is we don't know you so you can risk letting it all out. Some will judge because it's the internet but you can use your thick skin to filter them out and gain support from posts you find strength in.

I have now read your other thread and I just hope you carry on posting because there is a whole other happy life out there for you to live in and I feel really sad for you.

No rush, no stress, just take every post as it comes and welcome to Mumsnet [squeeze]

Selks · 21/03/2012 22:46

Dear Dreamless. You're far from being an idiot. You're a woman in a difficult situation with some low self esteem issues. These cause you to pin too much hope and expectation on this relationship providing you with the emotional comfort that you crave, but that it will never be able to give you. Your man is abusive, and part of being in an abusive relationship is further corrosion of your self esteem.
Please get some help. See if there is a women's centre in your area that offers counselling or support, or phone women's aid and ask about outreach support in your area,
You really need someone to help you work through all this and begin valuing yourself and your life.
I wish you all the best.

Bohica · 21/03/2012 22:49

oer, I don't know why my un-MN hug/squeeze became a link Confused

have a hug] instead Blush

Seabright · 21/03/2012 22:51

Dear Dreamless,
Another message of support for you. Doesn't matter if you aren't strong enough to stop and leave today, tomorrow, day after. We'll all keep supporting you and talking to you. Keep posting.

oikopolis · 21/03/2012 22:54

i so agree with others. i know this thread has been a shock but you are so supported here. everyone just wants the very best for you Dreamless. you sound so lovely. and so sad.

Heyyyho · 21/03/2012 22:59

dreamless he is pimping you!

This is one of the worst things I have read on here and I have been a prolific lurker and sometime poster.

Please. Your precious body being sold for him. Get out ! Get out before its too late for your mental health. You are so young. It's not too late.

This is horrific.

MsF1t · 21/03/2012 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

izzyizin · 21/03/2012 23:18

That doesn't help, MsFIt.

There's no reason to doubt that the OP is real but even if it transpires that it is a work of fiction, many thousands of women sex workers are in similar relationships and may be encouraged by this thread to leave the industry and break free of their abusive spouses/partners/pimps.

Bohica · 21/03/2012 23:18

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Bohica · 21/03/2012 23:20

This reply has been deleted

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Jux · 21/03/2012 23:27

So you are doing a job you hate, and which your dh hates you doing as well. He is quite happy taking your money though, and to make himself feel more of a man he is making you feel even more shit. Nice chap.

Please stop doing this job. Go on the dole, work in a bar, clean offices, almost anything than this. It is making you feel worse about yourself, and your dh is doing a good enough of that without your help.

MsF1t · 21/03/2012 23:28

No, I didn't mean it like that. I was probably too short, just horrified/amazed. Too tired to post/make self understood. Pissing off now...

FeckArse · 21/03/2012 23:30

I think we should all back away from this thread. The majority of us do not have the experience to advise from experience.

SerendipitousHarlot · 21/03/2012 23:36

You don't have to have experience of something to offer advice though, do you?

OP - PLEASE reach out to someone. Your life is utter shit, and the way you are being treated breaks my heart Sad

something2say · 21/03/2012 23:52

If you are in the UK, google Eaves, which is a multi layered service for women based in Brixton. They provide services for trafficked women, women wanting to leave prostitution, women provide services for those who have suffered sexual assaults and abuse..... I think you are in the states tho, but they may still be able to help you and give you advice.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through but this is not the saddest story on here, its just less common to hear. But I have known many sex workers in the course of my work, and loads of them have got out of it.

There's always a man behind stuff like this. If you decide to leave, always remember the stranger on the internet who told you about twist and blame - which your husband might to do you, to get you to stay, to weaken your resolve. When the penny drops in your mind, you don't have to get him to say different things and make it all OK, just stick with women who will see you through.
x
x
x

izzyizin · 21/03/2012 23:58

There's no reason for anyone to back away from this thread.

The OP needs help and it's not necessary to have engaged in prostitution in order to empathise with her situation, or to give her support and encouragement that may go some way to help her realise that she can change her life for the better.

something2say · 22/03/2012 00:01

Its often the same thing, economic viability for women, and the risks we take with men to achieve that...

CatitaInaHatita · 22/03/2012 00:41

Dreamless you are much stronger than you think you are. If you leave him and the escorting, you can still just take one day at a time.
You are worth so much more. You deserve so much more.

CatitaInaHatita · 22/03/2012 00:42

Trying again

www.eaves4women.co.uk/Scarlet_Centre/Exiting_prostitution.php

CatitaInaHatita · 22/03/2012 02:19

Forgot to say: it doesn't matter what your line of work is. A good man will support you, listen to you and show you love when you need it. Whatever you do to make money, an abuser will always treat you badly, belittle you and not show you love. What you do is irrelevant to your relationship, IMHO. Your DH doesn't support or love you, he just exploits you for his own benefit. He'd do that if you were stacking shelves or pulling pints.

I'm saying this because I want you to realise that leaving the escorting and leaving your DH are two different things I think you need to do. Just doing one probably won't be enough.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 22/03/2012 06:39

Oh Dreamless your threads make me so sad.

What could I say to convince you that you are a lovely and valuable human being, and that there is a better life out there for you if only you would love yourself a little bit.

Sad