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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" Shock if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 20/03/2012 15:00

He was v angry for what your son said to you which is understandable but he took it too far.

You said your son is always apologetic after what he does. Well whatever discipline you are using isn't working. It sounds to me like he is like this lot from Wht you have said. Calling you a twat is disgusting behaviour. What are you going to do about it to change his behaviour. Taking the console isn't working!

sunshineandbooks · 20/03/2012 15:07

By concentrating on the child's behaviour rather than the adult's you are holding the child to a higher standard of behaviour than the adult.

Just as having an affair is no more justification for a man hitting his wife than her failure to have dinner on the table at a certain time, the child's behaviour here is irrelevant.

OrmIrian · 20/03/2012 15:08

Quite agree sunshine - the child's behaviour is simply not the big issue here.

Mumsyblouse · 20/03/2012 15:22

If this really is a one-off, your husband will come home absolutely devastated by his OWN behaviour. I have lost it a handful of times with my children (athough not said anything as bad as that but say smacked them when they were small), and I have felt terrible, ashamed, and looked to my partner to help me manage my own emotions when they have wound me beyond my own tolerance.

BUT, if he comes home convinced he's in the right, I would be very worried. Your son was in the wrong, and yes, you need to sit together and work out what to do in this situation, and yes, children sometimes need to see that a parent will snap and that they are human too. But, this is beyond that, my guess is that he did physically hurt him (pushing around?) as well as threaten him in a way that would be very scary as well as possibly criminal.

Your son's behaviour wasn't great, but it won't be the first or last boundary he pushes as a teen. If that's what your husband does over calling you a name, what's he going to do if he gets expelled, or shop-lifts (I know lots of lovely people who did this as a teen) or tries cannabis?

If your husband says 'I can't believe I did that' and turns to you for help, I might just about be prepared to help him to behave differently (as it must never ever happen again like that). If he thinks it's a justifiable thing to do to an 11 year old, you have serious problems.

Nyac · 20/03/2012 15:23

I'd also wonder how he treated his children as toddlers, because that's the other time apart from teenager when children push boundaries.

I bet it wasn't good if you think back OP.

Hullygully · 20/03/2012 15:24

that'll learn him

it'll learn him violence and shouting is acceptable in someone bigger and stronger

Vicky2011 · 20/03/2012 15:37

This thread is beyond belief.

Original poster
laurel123 · 20/03/2012 15:44

vicky why?

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 20/03/2012 20:43

I'm chilled by some of the responses on here. This was an incident of child abuse ffs, not a short sharp shock. Even if DP is apologetic how can you ever trust him around your DC again? What if one of them annoys him when you're out and can't intervene? It didn't seem to take much to tip him over the edge this morning.

Lueji · 20/03/2012 22:22

I have conducted a survey with DS on what is acceptable punishment by a parent.

He was quite sensible accepting punishments most people use and even taps on the bum.
He considered unaceptable the type of behaviour displayed by this man.
It seems that a 7 year old has a better sense of right and wrong than a few adults.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 20/03/2012 22:27

Just to play devils advocate, how many times has a mother posted on here and said they snapped, they shouted, said horrible things, slapped their child? They only ever get platitudes not cries of abuse.

I am not advocating what he has done at all, though I dont think his words were premeditated. I dont think your DS deserved it regardless of his behaviour. I think only you, genuinely know your DP and the liklihood of this happening again.

olgaga · 20/03/2012 22:30

This thread is beyond belief because of the number of people who seem to think an 11 year old kid's perfectly normal behaviour justifies your DP's lack of control and bullying brutality. I hope he feels ashamed of himself, treating a kid like that.

He is supposed to be setting an example. If he doesn't accept he is wrong I'd think seriously about whether you want to subject your DS to the threat of that kind of treatment just for being a normal pre-teen kid.

Seriously, growing up with an unpredictable, abusive bully is a horrible experience which will blight your son's life - and your own. You could damage your relationship with your son forever if you don't get this sorted out.

I hope things have been peacefully resolved this evening.

IMO your DP should apologise to your son for his terrible behaviour, and promise he will never behave like that again. If he can't do that, I think he should leave.

OrmIrian · 20/03/2012 22:32

But mordecai, as has been pointed out already, the difference is whether the perpetrator is ready to admit he/she was wrong. If the DH in this example was to come home, apologise sincerely and try to reassure the boy, I wouldn't have such a problem with it. I am guessing this won't happen. I'd love to be wrong.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 20/03/2012 22:34

I hope you are wrong too. I hate thinking of any child who is upset, never mind being upset at the hands of a parent..

Lueji · 21/03/2012 06:28

I dont think his words were premeditated

Mordecai, it doesn't matter that they were not premeditated.

I'd be very seriously concerned about a mother who would admit to threaded to kill her own child by beating him, and recommend therapy.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 10:06

so Laurel is everything ok now ???

Original poster
laurel123 · 21/03/2012 10:27

DP did not get home till 7.30 last night, came back bearing fish and chips, so by the time we had eaten, it was too late. Had a good chat with DS last night said I was not happy with his dad's outburst and though his rudeness was not acceptable did not warrent this from dad. DS thank god does not seem to be trumatised by this. However will not let this slide and intend to have converstaion tonight as we are all be back early. DP just doing his normal "nothing happened" routine and being especially nice to me and DS.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 10:34

Oh good luck. Fish and chips !! Glad your Son Ok

OrmIrian · 21/03/2012 10:44

Good luck laurel.

Was the fish and chips by way of a peace offering?

Original poster
laurel123 · 21/03/2012 10:48

orm probably but he is not getting off that lightly.

OP posts:
Lueji · 21/03/2012 11:09

That's the problem with abuse of children. They forgive pretty much anything and even accept as "normal".

It's definitely for you to establish the limits.

Did you have a chat with DP? If not, why not?
Did you talk at all?

That's something you should do first away from the children, and then show a united front.

TBH, I am sensing that you are (will be) brushing this off too easily. I'd have been livid with P in the same situation and certainly not let it pass when he returned home.

Original poster
laurel123 · 21/03/2012 11:23

lue I can assure you I am still very upset by this and I agree it is important to talk to DP away from DS, I have no intentions about brushing this under the carpet. It was very good to hear other poeples thoughts on this this, some I was a little shocked about, almost like DS deserved beacase of his rudeness Shock or my fault for not being firmer with DS. I just did not get the opportunity last night but he knows I am not happy. I actually think he was really worried when I told him DS might report to the school and he could be arrested.

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 11:35

sorry but i am getting the same sense as lueji that you wont treat this with the seriousness it needs to be dealt with. you say it was too late by the time you had all eaten. too late for what? if it was me my DP wouldn't have been back near my child without telling me he had found an anger management course/therapist and had booked a session at the very least. also, the fact you say he is behaving as if nothing happened. why are you letting him do that? why did you let him swing in at 7.30 with fish and chips as if he had stepped on the child's toy by accident? if this man had any realy concept of how wrong his behaviour was he would have been either on the phone to you from work yesterday morning or he would have come home to talk about it and APOLOGISE. has he even spoken to his son? has he apologised? i dont understand why this wasn't all dealt with straight away last night. you seemed ale to find time to talk to your son and let him know his behaviour was wrong but not your husband whose behaviour was far worse and far more damaging to you all as a family. it sounds like you are afraid of putting him straight on this.

BertieBotts · 21/03/2012 11:51

His normal "nothing happened" routine?

So something like this has happened before, then? Enough times for there to be a "normal routine" following the incident? Perhaps not as serious, but aggressiveness? (Am I reading this wrong? Sorry if so.)

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 11:51

Laurel you said you been with him 18 years I think you know him better than us.