Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

PP what do you mean by technically raped?

The rape law says penetration of the mouth by penis, the penetration of anus or vagina by anything including the penis.

I thought because I hadn't been penally(sp? cba head hurts) penetrated I hadn't been raped just molested. But the law says I've been raped, psych said I'd been raped too but he didn't have sex with me. It's too confusing.

Glad your friend was supportive today Dotty.

Yes anything involving them using that is rape (sorry I have trouble saying that word I had to use it in my police interview)

I know I kept telling her it was penetrative sex but she had to ask me to spell it out graphically (he put his P in to my V) it was so humiliating I lost so much that day my dignity pride and humility. I blamed her for making me feel that way and it wasn't her fault they have to ask to get the right charges brought.I phoned her to arrange counselling a few days later and in my mind was so offhand with her I apologised when I saw her in January, as did the other DC because I asked her to but she said she couldn't understand what for as I was fine I was just so screwed up it was unreal I now know how ill I became 5 months ago never ever envisioned it happening not to me only happened to weak people in my mind which made me extremely weak.

No-one deserves to be raped, molested, touched, invaded or have anything done to their body by emotional, verbal or physical manipulation or without their consent.

I was raped for years by my ex, because I just rolled over and gave into his demands. As far as I can remember, my brother never actually raped me but he gave me choices of what to do "you can either stroke it or kiss it".

Revolting.

dotty X- posted. I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

Dotty, that description made me feel sick and shaken because it sounds like the way my psych asks stuff. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you're so strong and in no way weak at all, you're going to court, you're dealing with, it feels horrible though and you don't deserve that.

Totu what you described about your brother would be (r) by manipulation. Bastard.

What happened to me wasn't (r) by (p) penetration but (r) by (other) penentration into (v)? ie (other) being (f, fingers).

I'm confused because I thought I had been molested rather than (r) and by posting about molestation could help those who hadn't been (r) but had gone through other types of (s) abuse.

Sorry PP didn't mean to upset anyone.

Oh god no Dotty, I was trying to say I understood how you felt going through that and how hard it is to say it to another person, please don't think you upset me.

I'm sure I've upset people by posting here, not intentionally just because I'm a bit dim and don't think.

It is interesting to me how many women talk about the details of their abuse. The only time I have ever done this is upon police questioning and those words made into a statement. To me, this was as upsetting as the crime itself.

Never, during my years of counselling, did I touch upon it. I put off counselling for years thinking I would "have" to relive it all, but had such a wise and wonderful counsellor who said we just deal with today and gradually it'll start to work out better. She was so right.

Hi,

I'm new to MN.

I need to ask if anyone went through a period of just knowing they experienced abuse without actually remembering any one event?

I had an 'epiphany' for want of a better word, a couple of months ago. The knowledge that something bad happened as a child just hit me like a tonne of bricks and I couldn't stop crying for a week. I go to therapy anyway 'cos of emotional / physical abuse as a kid, and that has helped a bit, but I can't get rid of the feeling that I might just be going mad and that it's all in my head. Not knowing who it was is excruciating but I'm also terrified of remembering.

Is it possible to know you've been abused without remembering who and when?

Treadwarily I spent 6 years on and off in 'group therapy' spent the whole time sat saying nothing about myself but great at helping others,the last session there the male CPN pulled me to bits over it that's why I never went back I was about 4 months pregnant with DD2 (16) at the time.this time around I'm ready and even though my interview was horrific it released the mental block on me talking even on the way up I didn't know if I would be able to open up but I was so at ease with the DC it just flowed it was only afterwards at night that the enormaty of what I'd said and done hit me. DH had a fantastic analogy of what happened at the beginning as I remembered so much, he said its like a champagne cork being released at first it pours out then becomes a trickle before settling down. If I hadn't talked over and over with my counseller I would still be a car wreck, she is fantastic.

It is interesting to me how many women talk about the details of their abuse

Each survivor has a different way of handling things. I spent three years in therapy some years ago where I didn't talk about the details of the abuse at all. I could not even bring myself to utter the word R-A-P-E. While those three years of therapy helped me with various things in life, they absolutely did not even scratch the surface of healing from the damage specifically caused by the years of sexual abuse. For me, not talking about it in some detail was my way of skirting around the issue and staying in denial about how deeply the abuse had damaged me.

dotty I think your group therapy experience with the CPN sounds really horrid. I wouldn't have gone back either.

I did try group therapy once but was completely overwhelmed by coping with everyone else's stuff and didn't like one of the group leaders who tried to force people to talk.

CailinDana Thank you so much to you and everyone who has posted here for an amazing, life-inspiring thread. I can't tell you how much it has helped me and been an inspiration.

My DH of 15 years recently told me a for the first time about the abuse he suffered, which for him came to the surface and became impossible to put back in its box after we had our first children, twins. My DH suffered severe, severe sexual abuse over a long period of time, beginning from the age of 5 by people in position of power linked to his school. He told his mother at the start but she beat him and told him he was lying, so he was left to continue to endure it for many, many years.

He's a very outgoing person with lots and lots of friends but said he felt he could never make any friends until he left home and went to university because he was always afraid as a kid if he made friends they might find out what was going on.

He is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and fighting depression and flashbacks. He has a good psychologist/psychiatrist, but sometimes cancels as he just can't bear it.

I think he's amazing, but it's very hard for him at the moment. If anyone has any advice for partners, do let me know.

My sister and i were abused by our father until i was about 5, i told my mum and she didn't believe me, luckily it was picked up elsewhere. I have no actual memories of it happening or any memories of most of my childhood which i think i have completely blocked out thankfully. However, i worry that one day it might all come flooding back and i dont think i could cope with that. Sometimes i think some councelling might be a good idea but maybe i should be grateful i cant remember and just get on with my life.

Does everybody think I'm a being a twat?

Sorry if I offended.

Thanks NHF. Have you always known of the abuse, or did you 'remember' as an adult?

I have huge holes in my childhood memories too, but always thought that it was because I was just blocking out the violence and emotional abuse. I have 2 ds and the fact that I can't remember my abuser fills me with fear that he/she may have access to my boys. I suspect everyone, but always end up rationalising and dissmissing my fears as unreasonable. I don't think it was my mum or dad, probably a family friend, but I don't know for sure. Don't want to go accusing innocent people of doing horrific things I can't remember.

I'm so sorry for all the crappy things eveyone on here has been through. You are all really inspirational people.

PP I certainly don't think you are, stop apologising x

Pixie, thanks for posting about this. I have no memory of sexual abuse (hardly any childhood memory at all). There are strong contextual clues that I was sexually abused as well. I have to respect that, while also respecting my mind's ways of protecting itself. The fact that I'm still drawn to the topic makes me wonder if I'm looking for a way to let some memories out - but it hasn't happened yet.

I'm not getting any more therapy in the foreseeable future (previous therapists discouraged me from looking into sexual abuse) so it would make more sense to forget about it ... but I can't!

Pixie its called disassociation its the brains way of protecting you I have huge chunks of my childhood missing remember half a dozen specific incidents of abuse but know it happened all the time and also remember like yesterday first memory of it happening and the last time IT tried to.

Hi Garlic,

what reasons did your therapist give for not exploring the issue? I don't really get that. I've assumed I was abused as a small child (2/3ish) as I cannot ever remember being sexually unaware, and the things I used to think about should have been beyond my knowledge. As a teenager I came to this conclusion but never engaged emotionally with it, it was all intellectual deduction and completely devoid of emotion. My therapist asked me to try to engage with my emotions a couple of months back and it opened a pandora's box. Not sure how to shut it.

Thanks Dotty

I suppose my real concern is that nothing ever really happened, and that for some reason I've become delusional and confused. Since DS1 was born, he's nearly 4, I've had huge problems dealing with my feelings about my own parents and how I was brought up. I'm scared the stress of it has made me imagine things that didn't happen.

The main gut-wrenching feeling is 'why wasn't anyone looking after me?', so it has to be real, right?

this is such a headfuck. Not doing too well today.

Yes, for a long time I had very few childhood memories, although I knew I was desperately unhappy as a child. My memories started at about age 10 though if I was asked a fact I would know it - for example the name of my primary school - if that makes sense. I pretended to myself that everyone was the same, though deep down I knew that was not true. I always knew the emotional abuse had been bad, but no real memories of specific incidents of that either.

For me I started having lots of nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks. I remembered being held down and my clothes stripped off then being 'tickled'. I remembered the smell of the man and the emotions very clearly - the terror, and pain. I remembered being punished for 'telling lies' and not being grateful my uncle was being good enough to 'play with me'. I remembered missing school as they used to drug me as I got older. I thought I was going insane and was having a breakdown. I talked to one of the few old friends I have (lived in same street since I was 2) as she is a nurse, and she was like 'well everyone knew what he was doing to you. He tried it on me and my sister when we were at your house. Why do you think they kept you isolated from other kids and you were not allowed friends? Everyone knew'. This was a massive shock. Not just the abuse, but the fact I was in fact a sacrifice for the community. I guess if the local paedofile is happy at home he is not going about bothering other kids, so best just not to rock the boat etc. I was a weird kid at school. Sat alone and cried all playtime, would not answer questions in class or talk. But I was very bright - top of the class in written exams - so they just left me to it. As a teenager I was very promiscuious - having sex at 13 as I realised then sex=power with teenage boys. And for me it was about power and control. I have not been able to date or have sex since my memories came back though.

I am getting better making friends as time goes by. But I panic. I start to dislike and despise people that want to be close friends with me as on some level I consider them stupid as they can't see what a worthless piece of shit I am - though I know that isn't true logically. So I just walk away. Tend to have more male friends funnily enough. That may be as I do a lot of sport though. I hate it about myself, but if all of my friends died I would not miss any one of them. Not for a second :( :( Even though I would do anything for them and that is also something I have learned. I am overkeen to help everyone and just go out of my way too much before people have shown me they are nice, trustworthy people themselves.

Funnily enough I am very assertive and outwardly very confident, so I never have problems with inappropriate comments from men. I used to be an athlete and am tall, fit and very strong, which with the confidence is quite scarey for a lot of men I think. Wolf whistles etc have never bothered me - but probably also that maybe relates to part of me liking to be feel I can control men with sex. I think I look friendly though as people always approach me for directions!