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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
PlinkPasta · 24/03/2012 11:53

tb, sorry the psych is stirring things up, good for you for going

Mumofjz, thankyou

Blush @ [embarrassed]

dottyspotty2 · 24/03/2012 13:09

Just bumped into family support worker from the family centre I used to go to when kids where little. Told her what I'd done she is really pleased say I look much better for it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 24/03/2012 14:12

The plan was to talk to DH last night but I wasn't up to it. We went off to bed early to talk and we did have a nice chat about DS and life in general. I told him about this thread and that it was helping and good to talk about it all, but I was so tired I just couldn't get into anything more than that. We've just had a nice morning out all three of us, now I'm chilling for a bit while he looks after DS. I am feeling quite positive and happy today. The friend who was due to come to stay has been delayed and I can't say I'm too sorry Blush I think I'll feel more in the mood for her later.

I hope everyone's day is going ok.

It must have been a nice boost to meet that support worker dotty.

OP posts:
KarmaK · 24/03/2012 14:42

are you any good at dealing with people who invade your boundaries? If some random guy in the street starts saying inappropriate things to you or otherwise crossing boundaries, are you good at telling him to back the hell off? Or do you wind up feeling helpless and afraid and unsure how to protect yourself?

Original poster
CailinDana · 24/03/2012 14:43

Is that directed at me Karma?

OP posts:
KarmaK · 24/03/2012 14:49

Hey Dana! The question is open to anybody but yes I'd love to hear your views on this

Original poster
CailinDana · 24/03/2012 14:54

To be honest I've very rarely experienced it, I think because I tend to go off into my own little world and I don't make eye contact with people so they don't bother talking to me. The few times it has happened it's usually been pretty mild, whistling or whatnot, and I've always been so switched off that I just look at them confused which I think comes across as contempt. Years ago one guy sort of leered at me, I gave him the confused look and he sort of recoiled back and said "Whoa" as if I'd slapped him. I actually think looking as if the person is a bit mad and just not on your radar is the most effective way of dealing with it. When guys do that they're looking for a reaction - fear, uncertainty - and if you look like you think they're just shit on your shoe it's a huge put down. I don't do it deliberately, but it is effective!

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 24/03/2012 14:54

I withdraw karma but TBH I rarely go out alone now so doesn't happen has happened in the past not good at dealing with people male or female.

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 15:05

it happens to me a lot and it's part of what contributes to my agoraphobic tendencies. Sometimes I will feel unable to leave the flat for several days at a time

Original poster
CailinDana · 24/03/2012 15:07

Can you describe what happens Karma?

OP posts:
KarmaK · 24/03/2012 15:36

While out and about men will hassle me and instead of telling them to get lost I just sort of freeze. It takes me RIGHT back to being abused as a child.

For example earlier this week I got off the train and was walking along listening to my IPod, enjoying my music. Some man tapped me on the shoulder, slightly scaring me. He paid me some kind of compliment and I just mumbled thanks. But then he started asking me if I was married and asking me for my phone number and asking me my name. I HATE that sort of thing.

Another time some random stranger paid me a compliment about my lips, of all things. I just glared at him. I'd just come from a very traumatic session with my therapist. The man then had a go at me and said: "When a man pays a woman a compliment she should thank him and be grateful."

Also, on Monday I was a in a cab and the cab driver started talking about how "promiscuous" women are today in general. He began talking about that cab driver who was jailed recently for plying women with drug-laced champagne and then raping them. The cabbie said "to be honest I think the women are to blame. They wouldn't have agreed to drink the champagne if they weren't sluts." he then said "I mean if I stopped the cab and offered you champagne I bet you'd tell me to get lost wouldn't you?"
I just froze and blanked out the rest of the conversation.

oikopolis · 24/03/2012 15:39

^ that happens to me too Karma

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 15:40

Really Oikopolis? With the cab driver in particular I really should have told him to fuck off. I just felt this cloud of fear descend over me

garlicbutter · 24/03/2012 15:46

I'm not surprised, Karma. What he did was very intimidating. The arsehole.

God knows what I would have done, I was one of the 'sluts' who took the champagne! I hope I'd have written down his number, got out of the cab and phoned the police. But I don't know. Currently, inappropriateness puts me into a whirl of confusion - I still have my programmed pleaser/appeaser response, but know that's unhelpful so tend to go a bit weird while I figure it out. By that time, usually, random bloke has gone away.

I have got a superb repertoire of 'old-fashioned looks', though, and have also taken assertive action - a shove and a shout - so expect I'll manage to get rid of Garlic The Appeaser some time soon Wink

oikopolis · 24/03/2012 15:47

for me, sometimes something worse than just freezing happens. in my mind i freeze, but in reality, i'm continuing on auto-pilot, trying to placate the stranger by flirting with them. this is something i learnt to do when i was put in dangerous situations with men as a kid, and needed to talk my way out of it.

i've always been good with words and often managed to "enchant" the scary man and have him start to see me as a fantasy-Lolita type and not your average vulnerable kid. this would change the dynamic (at least for a while) and put me in a better position to escape the situation.

but when you're a grown, married woman, it doesn't come across like that does it? i'm not some doe-eyed child anymore so now it just looks like i'm a horrid, letchy flirt or something.

once, early in our r/s, my DH witnessed me do this in front of him (i was unaware that i did it at that time, and couldn't understand what he was getting so upset about), it was so painful to talk about it with him, and realise what was actually happening, and why.
and then to see how devastated he was for me, when he understood what was really happening (i.e. that i wasn't trying to cuckold him, but actually was in a defensive position trying to protect myself, and he had been angry with me because he didn't understand)

my mother does the same thing and always has. she was also sexually abused as a kid.

my mother and i are extremely different characters and yet i realise that to strangers, and especially men, we probably seem very similar because we use identical coping/defense mechanisms

dottyspotty2 · 24/03/2012 15:51

Can I ask if anyone else seems to have a 6th sense for instant DH has a habit of standing in the doorway quietly while I'm busy but I always know he's there somehow he did it today whilst I was gardening.

oikopolis · 24/03/2012 15:52

Karma, yes maybe some will say you "should" have done such-and-such, but really, there is no right way to deal with that kind of shit.

he was being a knob, sure, but it's not your responsibility to teach him not to be a knob iyswim. your own feelings always have to be what you think about first (a lot of survivors don't do this, and it's not healthy, it's something we were taught not to do during the abuse). what's important is you doing whatever helps you to feel safe in that moment.

on a good/feeling-strong day, maybe i would have told him to fuck off unless he wanted me to rip his fucking head off and spit down his throat (because i'm mental like that when you get me riled up).

on an average day, i probably would have given him a look, and a tight, sarcastic smile, and the silent treatment.

on a bad day, i would have frozen.

there's no right way. at most, there's getting through it without losing your mind.

you're alright KK it's not your fault he was a knobber

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 15:53

for me, sometimes something worse than just freezing happens. in my mind i freeze, but in reality, i'm continuing on auto-pilot, trying to placate the stranger by flirting with them. this is something i learnt to do when i was put in dangerous situations with men as a kid, and needed to talk my way out of it.

I totally relate! How do we snap out of this?????

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 15:54

Worse still (re above) I think predators can spot this from a mile off and we become their ideal victims shudder

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 15:55

Dottyspotty, yes this sixth sense is normal for us as we needed to be hyper-aware as children

dottyspotty2 · 24/03/2012 15:57

I was assaulted by a 16 year old at the age of 14 and I totally froze I still remember the alley it happened in I could hear his friend telling him to stop and leave me alone but he didn't.

dottyspotty2 · 24/03/2012 15:59

Yes but Karma I didn't know I was abused as was never threatened etc doesn't make sense IYSWIM.

garlicbutter · 24/03/2012 16:08

It still works out that way, dotty. As children, we were in the vulnerable position: dependent on the more powerful abuser for our welfare. The fine perceptive skills needed to anticipate what they wanted were a survival skill. Carried over into adult life, these skills are a double-edged sword. You would find most posters to this thread, and SH, have abilities to 'read' people and situations that others find quite supernatural. Unfortunately, we're much more attuned to potential threats than nice, secure situations. And our responses can be out of whack with what we've perceived.

Did that make any sense?

KarmaK · 24/03/2012 16:11

And our responses can be out of whack with what we've perceived.

So very true

PlinkPasta · 24/03/2012 16:35

If I'm confronted by a stranger I either hunch myself up and scuttle off or just laugh half heartedly and look away if I can't escape.

The six sense thing, yes, especially with people I think are showing abusive signs but no one else sees it so I presume I'm over reacting.

Auto pilot, isn't that dissociation?

I also have deep paranoia and am crazy. Emotions all over the place atm, I read the consent laws and it says technically I was raped but that doesn't make sense to what I've read about.