Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Hi everyone...

I just wanted to speak a little around dissociative disorder, I too cannot remember a time I was sexually unaware, I am convinced that my uncle abused me throughout my toddler years, my mother always used to say I avoided him and screamed when he was near because I caught him glue sniffing which obviously was not a big deal...

However, I have a very vivid memory of French kissing him and him slapping me hard in the face for not using my tongue properly, I would have been about 4 and he was 17.

Going through therapy and talking so in depth about my experiences is making me see all the tiny connections, I realise how alienated and neglected I was and how from an early age I have always compacted and filed things away, not realising that this behaviour was dissociating from reality. It allowed me to be abused and survive my childhood, but it build up three different people within me, three aspects of myself.

The child
The seductress
The sociopath

All damaged aspects of my identity that have splintered off somewhere between the abuse, neglect and self punishment.

This is why I worry, I know these pieces of me exist and I know the damage they have done and are capable of doing, I am trying to piece myself together, but it means I can never lose control, not even for a second.

I spoke to my mother today, she was complaining she needs a colonoscopy, is it a bad thing to wish her pain? I know I should'nt...

So you really think one of your parts is a sociopath, Antsy?

I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder by the NHS psychiatrists. They offered very little help in treating it. In fact they don't seem to have much idea of how to treat dissociative symptoms. There are no medications that help with it.

I have to say the therapy I received saved my life. I know I would have ended up killing myself without it. Sadly not on the NHS as there seems be be nothing avaliable, which I think is very, very sad.

Antsy I also cannot lose control. Never drink and cannot relax around people as I have to be in control at all times and have to be whatever persona I have created that I think will please that particular person. However I don't think I would ever do anything bad unless I had to. I also agree with Karma. I think true sociopaths are rare, and in my experience, all the people I have known that were abused are if anything the most kind, giving people I know as they have an empathy and awareness of others pain.

I don't think you are wrong to wish your mother pain as such, and everyone is different, but when I learned to forgive my family, I felt a lot better about myself :)

Karma, this is why I never, ever talk about this with anyone in real life, because when even your average GP fails to understand or recognise it, people absolutely wouldn't...

I do think there is a part of me that is a sociopath, I recognise them as shadows, parts of my whole that broke off to protect me or I broke off to protect myself... And I think that aspect of me is what was left of the little girl after the people who were in her life finished with her... It is this part of me that got me through times that should have been full of guilt or pain or shame without even caring.

It is that part that shields me from experiencing real anger.

I have done the therapy part, I know these aspects and shadows, but... It's shit, unless you have thousands of pounds to invest in proper care then long term there is no real help, it's like I was handed a book without being taught to read.. Here is all the reasons you ended up this way... Bye then

I just need to say at this point.

I have never in my entire life been so open and honest about myself and never have I connected so much to what people have said, I have always felt completely alone.

Thank you all for being here, although obviously I wish you weren't

Here is all the reasons you ended up this way... Bye then

Yes, that is what it is like isn't it Antsy?

I've found a few things that have helped. I spent ages (and so much ££££) going to a therapist who claimed to specialise in dissociative disorder. She was fairly crap. I found I got more benefit from a therapist who didn't particularly specialise in trauma at all but was just a good, warm, helpful therapist. I also did various types of bodywork and alternative therapies. One type of energy healing in particular really helped me to "integrate" my various parts.

I have many control issues even my counseller has commented on the fact that no matter how bad the session I always compose myself before leaving. I vividly remember my first face to face session before I started with my counseller and I told her through hysterical tears that I couldn't let anyone see me like that.

I am slowly allowing myself to let go of this control in other areas of my life as I realised it was becoming unhealthy now.

Like skinned the help I received saved my life, not only at the time, but because I had a great psychiatrist for a while, but obviously resources are scarce, I paid for a therapist for a long time, but then fell pregnant with my dd and then was unable to continue... So most of the work I do now is by myself.

My therapist was of the mind that talking about the abuse was forcing me to dissociate (funny how many seem to avoid this area) so I should not delve to deeply.

She didn't understand, I have been violated, my life torn from me, I have to know what happened and from whom, why it happened and maybe then I can let it go.

When I started this 6 months ago I wanted full closure I now know I wont get it makes me and but not surprised I NEED to know how young I was and what else he made me do asked the DC outright if she thought I'd get full closure age etc and she told me unfortunately no because he wont admit to doing anything, wonder if it's worth all the pain I've caused in doing this.

Dotty... You have a right to know and you have reclaimed the power in this, he has caused any hurt that has stemmed from his disgusting acts, not you.

Thanks Dotty, I was overwhelmed by intense feelings of anger, shame, guilt, self loathing, thinking everybody thought I was being annoying/lying/abusive.

My head has cleared now.

Sometimes I'm scared to make friends incase I abuse them. I feel wrong for being angry at my mother/step father as they were abused, so I'm conflicted within too. I'm scared to express that anger but don't want to bottle it up either. I'm angry at them but sorry for them too.

I might have a look a perpertrator course.

The therapy I had was very intensive. 6 week in-patient stay in a hospital then outpatient therapy for about 3 -4 months. I wasn't dumped which was nice :) I did group and individual therapy, and we did talk about the specifics of the abuse and we did a lot of CBT and exercises for me to acknoledge the pain and anger and how to let myself as a strong adult, help and protect the little girl inside. I tried for years and years to find someone to help me but kept getting told the abuse was too severe and they had no real knowledge of helping people like me :( I suppose my abuse was a bit different as I was tortured too and kept in social isolation. Summer holidays I would be pretty much kept in 1 room with no human company until school started next. I was fed, allowed to use the toilet and used when required, and that was it. I was so grateful for the psyciatrists and therapists that treated me to actually have a go and give it a try, and for me it worked :)

I am really really glad that this thread has helped at least some people some bit. Like I mentioned at in my OP I think a huge issue with abuse is the fact that there is so little opportunity to talk about it. Some of you have mentioned that even counsellors have encouraged you "not to delve" and other bullshit. I had this experience with a really crap counsellor too, who made it very clear she did not want to hear any details. That of all things made me feel like disgusting weirdo.

I mean if you went to a counsellor and said "I think my husband is abusive" would he/she say "Well, it's best no to talk about it, let's talk about your job instead." If you went to a friend and said "I've been in a car accident" the first thing they would say is "Really? What happened?" and you would have the opportunity to get it all out of your head. But often (not always) if you say to a friend "I was abused" you get the same old "Go to a counsellor, report to the police" bullshit which is code for "I don't want to hear about it." The abuse is compounded again and again by the fact that you feel you have to keep silent about it. Even in tv ads abuse is all about little Milo who isn't fed or little Tom who is hit, not about little Katie who is raped. People seem to want to pretend it just doesn't happen.

Skinned I am so sad to read what happened to you. How long did that go on for?

Cailin I let my best friend down 6 years ago she was raped and I wasn't there for her but she is fine about it I went and apologised to her about it and she told me how the hell could I be there for her when I'd never dealt with this she had counselling for the abuse she also endured years ago both myself and her mum [who as my friend says is our mum and I'm her little sister] think she isn't totally over it but she copes with life quite well,

Pixiecalledfrog - I'm aware that certain things happened to me without actually remembering them clearly. That has always made me doubt certain things, although there is enough "evidence" in my thoughts, if that makes sense, to make it pretty clear that it did happen. For example I remember a group of girls talking about anal sex in a really "ew how weird" sort of way when I was a teenager and I remember thinking "Oh so that isn't a normal part of sex." I know from that memory that I had intimate personal knowledge of anal sex from quite a young age, knowledge that a child wouldn't normally have. It's because of that and other things that I can't really doubt my hazy memories, much as I might like to.

Well my grandfather died when I was just turned 5, so between the ages of 5 and 10 I was kept as a subhuman more or less. If my grandfather had not brought me up for that first 5 years I think I would be dead by now. He was a wonderful man :) Its weird but by 10 or 11 I went to the adult library and read all I could on psycology. Even at that age I was desperate to know what made me so different from other people.

No need to be sad for me Callin But thank you I am happy now with my life, other than my financial probs which I know everyone is suffering at the moment. My life is a different life from other people, but on the whole I am at peace. And I think I make a difference in the world as the person I am. That is important to me even though weirdly I don't like people so much. If I can get through uni and qualify I know I can make a big difference to a lot of lives and help a lot of people. And by helping others I believe I help myself too. Maybe if this had never happened I would have had a happier life but never had an impact or helped anyone. Though maybe I would have went into science early instead of late and found a cure for cancer by now. Who can tell?

I also want to say thanks to everyone here too. It is nice to break the silence and talk somewhere safe :)

Dotty - I think if you have your own issues going on then it's totally understandable if you're not able to deal with what's going on with others. What I'm referring to really is a more widespread societal thing where sexual abuse is very much hushed up and ignored. Just tonight actually the friend who is visiting mentioned that back in the small village where she grew up there was a guy who was known for exposing himself to children. He was a bit of a joke in the village and rather than anything being done about him, the children were just advised to steer clear, as though it was their responsibility to avoid him. When you have that sort of mentality what chance do children have?

Thanks for replying to me, Pixie. I identify with so much of what's said on this thread, but can't join in really as I really have no memories and cannot say for sure that I was sexually abused. The pointers are there, that is all.

My therapy's done a great deal for me in helping to identify hurt that I was feeling (and am feeling). It set me on a path to a self-restructure which, as others have said, I've been pretty much left to get on with. Mumsnet has been my main source of guidance in this.

I'm dissociated nearly all the time; it drives me nuts. I often wish the worms had stayed in the can! But, well, there were worms and it's not my fault. The process of dealing with that is my 'legacy', tough shit. I do my best. I employ meditation techniques to help with the disassociation - not often enough or long enough, probably. I'm terribly isolated now, which makes it harder to get rooted in the present.

As I understand it, my therapists were unwilling to help me look for sexual abuse because - if there was some - my mind's hiding it for my own safety. They could not 'lead' me due to fears of malpractice allegations.

Like many others, I think, I didn't acknowledge the violence and emotional abuse until my adult life reflected it and I made the connections in therapy. Significantly, my father died at that time. I've got a feeling I'll remember sexual abuse when my mother dies. I'll be sorry when she dies - her present life is happier than most of it has been, although she lies to herself that she was happy with Dad - but I shan't mourn her. Listening to her with my newly educated ears, it's clear that she thinks he sexually abused me and would be destroyed if I were to confirm it. Hey ho

I don't have children. If I had, memories might have been triggered by them. Or ... perhaps not. I would say at least one of my sibs has sexually abused their children :( Also, I remember them being molested by Dad, whereas they've no recollection of it at all.

The fucked-up-ness continues from well beyond the ashes. I feel for the pain everyone here goes through - and am also full of joy and admiration for you, because you've chosen to end the cycle. You may not feel like it sometimes, but every one of you is wise and strong :)

Thank you for the hearing.

I don't know if anyone remembers the child rapist/murderer Robert Black he was arrested in the next village from us the week we got married.

Sorry to harp on about this but it's something that really annoys me. Every so often there is thread on MN complaining about books that people write detailing their abusive childhoods - there is a special MN name for them, but I've forgotten it now. The attitude is very much that you shouldn't write about that sort of stuff. So basically you can write about your rise to fame, or climbing Mount Everest or your experience as a hostage or whatever, but if you were abused you're a horrible opportunist and you should shut up.

callin a lot of my memories were hazy too. Don't doubt yourself. Society teaches us that certain things are taboo.That they don't happen. That children lie. That it is better to hide your head in the sand. The fact is they do happen and your hazy memories can be trusted. I know what you mean by having knowlege you shouldn't have. I remember my psyciatrist saying that memories typically come back between late 20's and mid 30's (I think). Mine came back at about 26 when I was under a lot of stress. Some memories are very specific, some still hazy but I don't feel I have to dig deeper any more

I don't really feel I have to dig either Skinned. What caused my memories to come back was the prospect of having sex when I was 18. I remembered what I think was the first incident of abuse, in the bath. I remember that very very clearly. For a long time I thought that was it, and I felt like it was relatively minor so I berated myself for being so fucked up over it. Then over time I realised there were other memories waiting to come out and I agonised over what they might be. I was really afraid. But eventually I remembered, in a more factual way. I did have flashbacks but they were physical rather than mental in the sense that I sort of became a child, crying and unable to speak. Very scary but healing in their own way. Now I feel I know what happened to me and remembering specific details won't help. I am at a fairly good point with it all.

Thought I still can't say rape out loud.

Ah I found a thread about those books I mentioned. I won't link it because it's horrible, but basically it's referred to a "Misery Lit" and supposedly no one should ever read about abuse because it's disgusting.

Lovely attitude.

Funny I have several of those books sounds so stupid but I used them as self-help books my view was if someone had gone through worse then mine wasn't that bad after all. Apparently its quite common for victims to do this.