Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

I will start writing for DS. I can't imagine anything nicer :)

Dotty that is a great step forward, it's noticing and changing the little things which are so hard yet so miraculous.

Don't worry pp, I knew what you meant. Although my gcse maths teacher would probably agree with not being able to add two and two together
Dotty I am pleased that you are getting the support you deserve.

Don't worry pp, I knew what you meant. Although my gcse maths teacher would probably agree with not being able to add two and two together
Dotty I am pleased that you are getting the support you deserve.

Dotty I did the same but from Scotland to England, could you go back to college? A lot of people have career changes or their qualifications become outdated so it's not unusual for people of all ages to be at college.

PP, course you, and anyone else on this thread can join the club! T shirts and badges and baseball bats all round.

I was also very bright at primary school, but it all tailed off as I got older, after the abuse started. But my mind seems work at a super fast speed. Even though DH is very intelligent, to me he sometimes seems a bit slow, but I think that's just because my mind processes things so quickly. My theory is that the intellectual side of my brain has overdeveloped to compensate for the emotional side of my brain which is underdeveloped due to 'shutting down' at an early age as a survival mechanism to stop me feeling the emotional pain caused by my parents' abuse.

CD, you should definately do some writing. It's obvious from the way you write on here that you have talent in that area.

Thanks jasmine :)

notsuchayummymummy: There is a Holistic Hypnotherapy called Inner Child Therapy. You don't need to talk about the abuse with this.
It isn't too expensive: £60 then you get given the CD with it all on and you repeat it at home for weeks.
I had this treatment after being in a emotionally abusive marriage for 30 years - it was recommended to me by someone who was brought up in care.
Google - www.soulconcern.co.uk
I wish all you women well for the future. You are all proof that the cycle of abuse can be broken.

There are so many brave women on this thread. Much braver than my sister and I. We just ran away rather than going to the police. Reading this thread makes me think remembering the abuse and knowing what happened is better than not remembering and having to guess. In a strange way both of us being there when he raped us and the rest helps because sharing how it made us feel helped us then as well as now. He liked it best if we were involved not just lying there waiting for it to be over. So we had to put a condom on him if rape was the service he wanted. But not normal rape because he liked us on top of him so he could think we were enjoying it. Or slap as around if we didn't service him right. Other times we did just lie there so he would come on our faces because thats what we really wanted as tarts or dykes.

That was one of the reasons I didn't really consider it rape because of the position but he made it like I was in control, I suppose he could of caused much more damage if he had been on top of me especially at the beginning I was 4 or younger him 16. Doesn't bear thinking about as he caused internal injuries anyway.

Another book that I've read that may be of interest is "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz, and it's written especially for people who have experienced abuse. From memory, it's down in the cellar at the moment, it's a relatively gentle book.

I feel very humble reading some of the other poster's accounts of their abuse, especially those that were raped.

At least that didn't happen to me, although I was vaginally-penetrated by something several times before I could talk. Dd did something that triggered new flashbacks, about 9 years ago. In desperation, despite having no contact for 14 years, I rang my 'd'm to ask her who it was, or to confirm who she thought it was. She didn't tell me anything, just asked me why I was asking her.

It's a bit tough tonight, I've had an appointment with a psychotherapist today (in French - which is good as it keeps it at a bit of a distance), and they tend to stir things up a little.

1980 my heart bleeds for you and your DSis.

you know, i never prosecuted either, or even told my parents... i hid it from them in fact, and i sought out more contact because it was the only attention i got. doesn't make me not-brave, it makes me a child, and that's what i was! so were you. you were brave. i really want you to believe that.

tb sorry it feels raw/tough, i know how that feels. not nice. esp when you have daily life to cope with etc.

SGFSOCSA baseball troop at the ready, baseball caps righted, bats at the ready. Baseballs fresh from the HTKTDBAGAWI baseball factory.

First ball out is "DB's opinion of me is worthless and I refuse to acknowledge the criticism".

It's pitched, flying through the air, I swing my bat stricking the ball with an almighty whack and send it soaring out of the field.

PP ?

Storybird is a lovely little website that you can create stories with illustrations would be lovely for those of you writing for your children.

And just also wanted to say how very wonderful you all are xxxx

Just posting so we don't have 666 messages on this thread! (wooo!)

I have read most of the previous pages. I recognise so much of myself in other posters. It has taken me a long time to connect the dots on things that must have been quite obvious really - like my mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and chronic lack of self esteem are both directly and indirectly a result of what happened to me.

love that pp :)

I think this is a great thread and its nice to not feel so alone.

I sometimes wonder what a normal life would be like. To experience love and affection from another human. To have a relationship. To have children. For me love is a bit of a theoretical concept, and yet I know I am capable of it, as I love my cats. In terms of other humans I cannot love, I cannot trust, I know I will be alone and isolated for the rest of my life. So it is nice to have a place like this to talk :)

I make friends easily on a superficial level. I am funny and kind and no-one would ever guess what I really am. It had taken me 40 years to realise I am worth something and not a creature that is the lowest of the low. I lie to protect myself and this makes me ashamed and feel like a bad person :( I pretend to be normal, I sometimes say I am dating and have a boyfriend. Otherwise people think your weird and its easier that way. I can't really tell people I am a freak that can't be hugged or touched and is terrified of being close to anyone. I have had a few dates, and a few months ago I kissed a man for the first time in 15 years. It was an experiment. I just felt cold and empty inside. I had hoped I could finally accept that relationships are not for me, and it would stop me wanting to be loved and cared for. It did not. I still yearn for just one person in my life to consider me special and worth loving. I know it will never happen until I am healed enough to allow it, but I fear the wounds are too deep. Some wounds never do heal. That is reality.

I spent many years being angry with a society that watched a child being destroyed and did nothing. More than anything I was angry at myself. I still get angry at myself sometimes. That other survivors of abuse are strong and able to go on dates, fall in love, get married and have children. That I am too weak to be able to sort out my life and do these things too :( I feel such a failure and so inadequate.

At the moment with the recession I am losing my place at uni as I can't pay my tuition fees. If I can't get a job I will lose my little home where I feel so safe and happy, but my big worry is that I will be homeless and will lose my cats. I have always fought so hard all my life, thinking things would get better. And when they finally have, and I am doing the thing I love most and which calms my soul after a 30 year wait which is quite long enough thank you very much!!!! I lose it. I just don't know how many times I can get up after being knocked down. I hope things will get better and I will keep on surviving. Its nice to read this thread and not to feel so alone, and to see other people who have been abused that HAVE made it and who are happy. For the others still in a bad place, it is nice to think we can support each other :)

Morning all. I need to catch up with the last few pages. I've had a lot on my plate these past few days so to speak.

SkinnedAlive sorry to hear about your Uni place. I really hope you manage to keep that and your home. I can relate to the home bit. I'm constantly worried about mine. I'm totally dependant on benefits and can't work due to having 2 Special Needs children. I have to think about the cost every time I put the heating on.

The other part of your post I related to was making friends on a superficial level. I do this. I don't have a close friend. And if I think anyone is getting too close, I will withdraw and eventually cease contact.

I don't think I've ever been loved either. I just went from being abused by one man to another. My first boyfriend was older than me (father figure). He was possessive and would lock me in a room when he went out; used to accuse me of looking at other men; made me walk with my head down.

My (now) ex-h was abusive from the outset but it took me years to realise it. It built and built and built until he was bullying me to sleep with other men. I didn't. We'd been together nearly 20 years when I finally got up the courage to divorce him.

I dabbled briefly with internet dating but just had horrible experiences really.

So, it's me and the kids now. We have a happy house and I want to keep it that way. We're going out today to have a bit of pocket-money spending time, and eat crap food in the street .

1980 :(

I'm so sorry to read that things are so hard for you at the moment Skinned. I really hope things work out well for you. I want to tell you to keep fighting, but I know that can just seem like an impossible thing when you have so much thrown in your way.

I'm so glad you posted again TOTU :)

boggoff, his daughters are grown up now. it was all a very long time ago, 34 years ago actually. like I say i have blocked it out somehow. sorry if it wasn't clear.

Morning all going down to asda with DD2 today and then hopefully some gardening didn't go to bed until 5 slept on settee been having trouble sleeping again so done some catch up x

Morning everyone. Me and dd are having a day in the garden, make the most of the nice weather.
I'm the same dotty, sleep is a distance dream. We should meet here for middle of the night hot chocolate and a chat x

This thread has been so helpful and healing for me thank you

in particular I can identify with accepting limitations. For years I felt I should be doing more coffee mornings, volunteering, PTA etc. Now I accept after my family's needs are met I need a little space and peace. But after what I have endured what is wrong with taking care of myself?

Hi Jasminerice ex statelyhomer here . We lost touch but nice to hear from you

That should have been STFSOCSA, friday night madness and I was sober [embarrassed]

I thought that rather than letting the bad feelings about my mother/stepfather make me feel bad and want to hit them with a baseball bat, I would take that feeling/image turn it into a baseball and whack it to kingdom come.

Skinned, Totu, I'm the same with friends. Keeping my fingers crossed you're ok Skinned. Totu, I've been there, it's horrible.

1980, I'm sorry that DB (dirty bastard) did that to you both.