Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

How's it going DontKnow?

I'm getting there Cailin. Still a bit shaky and have been sick a few times but a little calmer. I am hoping for a relaxing night and just not going to go to bed so at least I won't have to deal with the nightmares. Thankyou for asking.
How are you? X

CD, yes, for me it has been strangely liberating to just accept I suffer with mental illness and to accept myself as I am. Instead of, as you said, trying and trying and failing and failing at being 'normal' which is what led me to a suicidal breakdown about a year ago. I'm learning to recognise and accept my limitations and work within them instead of pushing myself to do what's impossible for me. I still have feelings of being inadequate and a failure and like you said upthread, I always feel sorry for DH that he ended up with me.

And I also feel sad at all the unrealised and wasted potential that i had and what I might have achieved had I been loved, nurtured and cherished by my parents.

But I'm proud of what I have achieved, which has all been in spite of my parents rather than because of them. I'm more at peace now than I've ever been.

Not too bad. A curry and a glass of wine are on the cards for tonight so that'll be nice :)

Do you think you'll be able to talk to your friend about how you're feeling?

PS, I'll get some badges and t shirts printed up for our club

Probably not, I have never been able to talk about it in rl. Even saying the word rape gets me into a state, typing it is hard enough.

Keep typing Don'tKnow.

JasmineRice, ooh ooh me me I want a badge too, let me in I wanna join and a t-shirt too desperately needy.

HTKTDBAGAWI ? yeah, my DBM has left some stuff with me, I'm tempted to burn it, disclaimer - she lives on the other side of the world.

Dana, I'm paying £30 a week which is as cheap as it gets

I tried and tried to get adequate help for free through the NHS but they weren't that helpful. They offered me either 6 weeks of free counseling or I'd have to go into a daycare centre five full days per week. if I wanted more intensive counseling.

I can't say the word out loud either DontKnow.

Jasmine, you sound really really similar to me. I did ridiculously well at school, I even won awards for my final exam results (called the Leaving Cert in Ireland). I could have done literally anything at university, and today I could be a surgeon, or a lawyer or pretty much anything. Instead I'm a SAHM (which I love) with a hotpotch of random jobs and a teaching qualification behind me. I do wonder what I could have been, what life I could have had if I'd been able to fulfil my potential but then I wonder if that potential was ever really there at all - my academic success was really down to my control issues. Studying was my obsessive behaviour. Now that I'm not so unwell any more I'm not as focused and narrow minded which overall is a good thing. Perhaps with a more normal childhood I would have just had average academic results and a pretty ordinary career. Who knows?

As it stands I see myself as having a limiting health condition similar to ME. I don't have any physical symptoms but mentally I have a definite limit to what I can deal with and I have to work within that limit or I know I will get ill. I probably look quite lazy to outsiders but I'm beyond caring. I do what I can.

Karma, £30 a week really mounts up. From my experience both the Irish and British health systems are woeful when it comes to mental health.

Plink what does HTKTDBAGAWI stand for?

My dr gave me info for private counselling starts from £5 up depending on your income, I only have 2 more sessions with my counseller would love to carry on with her whereever she works but she's a PTSD counseller and despite me having lots of the symptoms I haven't got a formal DX of it.

So does that mean you can't see her dotty? Because if that's the case it seems ludicrous. Surely the main consideration is that you fit well with a counsellor rather than that you fit with a specific diagnosis.

HowToKillTheDeludedBitchesAndGetAwayIt

I excelled at school, won a technology award (first female in my school, they had to check it was ok!) top set grammer school. Dropped out when I was kicked out at 15. Felt incredibly stupid as an adult so got my standard grade and highers at college, all A's cept chemistry B as my grandad died the day before the exam. Still want to get a degree but not sure in what, do have some tech qualifications. Spend my time doing photography and some other stuff.

Hah I like it Plink!

I'm hopeful that I will find a career in the future, though if I don't I'm ok with that too. I wrote quite a lot when I was younger. I wrote a book of short stories when I was about 8 and I won a few international short story competitions when I was a teenager. A publisher asked me to write a book when I was about 17 but I was so obsessed with schoolwork that I made a mess of it and she rejected it. My parents never showed any interest in my writing. I'd say that book I wrote went in the bin at some stage.

DH is adamant that I should become a writer and has even offered to stretch our finances to the limit to put DS in nursery so I can write during the day. I won't let him do that because I know I'm not ready, yet. But maybe some day.

If it goes to court I can phone up and get support off her then.

How are you feeling about that Dotty?

I can't relate to the control issues, I'm the oppsoite, can't make a decision to save my life at times. But I am inspired by your academic achievements. Through all that you've been through, you have those achievements to hold on to, something that you and only you have done. I hope that you all hold onto that. You should both be very proud

I can't relate to the control issues, I'm the oppsoite, can't make a decision to save my life at times. But I am inspired by your academic achievements. Through all that you've been through, you have those achievements to hold on to, something that you and only you have done. I hope that you all hold onto that. You should both be very proud

Really don't know wail and see I know there's lots of support from witness services and L is amazing.

Funny because she has basically said I have it but not in as many words told me about the fact i'm going through stress, trauma, anxiety nightmares flashbacks all the feelings she describes is me all over feel really vulnerable in crowds, like people are watching me but she says I have amazing coping strategies to overcome things as well.

I wrote loads as a kid, my stepfather tore them all up in front of me. Did write up til I had my DS. Over the years just odd poems and stories for my DS, he loved them over the published stuff.

Now I tend to put other peoples stuff together, have had 3 things published, one for the government. I prefer the graphic design of it and my latest has been wowed at by the people it was for. I showed my mum one, she didn't even look at it. I'm so mad I cared!

I'm not employed as a photographer, just a hobby.

Dontknow, I'm the same, I fall apart having to choose between to different brands of the same thing. It'll come for you too, academic or not, I know some successful people who couldn't add two and two together.

Dotty, I'm glad you are getting the support, you are coping so well, hopefully you can get justice.

Cailin, start writing little stories for DS!

PP having spent nearly 15 years fighting for DS taught me to just get on with it and develop such a thick skin, never thought I could be broken like this scared me shitless was shattered this afternoon after going for lunch such a simple thing shouldn't happen but it does.

I've also realised I have to much control over things and am backing off used to always complain that I had to do everything around the house but it was because it was never good enough if DH done it, yesterday I ended up in tears over the smallest thing it was then I realised its another step forward for me.

Argh, didn't mean you couldn't add two and two together, god foot in mouth big style, I meant anybody can achieve things without being academic.

I was meant to be the clever one in my family was sitting 8 o'levels and an a,o level we moved to Scotland half was through, different education system left school with nothing and got a manual job.