Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Pretty much the same Karma.

It's been a very long week. DH used to be home around 5 most nights, which I know is really early, but the last couple of weeks he's been getting home around 6 due to extra work stuff going on. I know it's not much but that hour is a killer. DS is the loveliest little boy on earth but gosh I am wrecked from him. He's currently mashing biscuit into my living room.

Keep talking DontKnow. I know how awful it is. Just get it out of your head, no matter what it is.

Jasmine we should start a club.

It wasn't pyschiatry my dr referred me to but pyschology they refused to take me on despite an urgent referral after I became very suicidal back in November she showed me the letter and basically they dsaid given my history it was obvious I had 'ongoing MH problems' and they couldn't di anything as I was under The Rape Crisis Centre she told me she wasn't happy with them.

We have two friends visiting for the weekend. They are both nice people but quite hard work. I am not looking forward to it at all. What's worse is that Mother's Day was a complete wash out due to various unavoidable reasons so DH had kindly offered to have a replacement day tomorrow. One of the friends is coming much earlier than expected (typical for her) so my lovely quiet day is off the agenda :(

The support for people with psychological pain is just appalling.

How was your lunch dotty?

Would love to hear something, anything from you Dontknow.

Once I've finished my garden I'm going to clear out the attic my Dolls house is up there its 36 years old DD2 and I where going to do it up as a project as she's studying childcare at college but its going last remaining thing from my childhood. We had toys, food on the table enough clothes although I was bullied for the clothes always being out of date. From the outside we had a good homelife but it wasn't.

My friend is going to come over when the kids are in bed for a bottle of wine and a chat so trying to concentrate on that and not think about 'it'. Its not right for dd to see me like this.

My friend is going to come over when the kids are in bed for a bottle of wine and a chat so trying to concentrate on that and not think about 'it'. Its not right for dd to see me like this.

Lunch was nice thanks made a change, don't see DD1 much nowadays she's an auxillary nurse and works 12 hour shifts

I'm really glad to hear your friend is coming over DontKnow.

How old is your dd?

She was 3 on wednesday. Please excuse the double posting, bloody phone has a mind of its own.

Aww that's a lovely age when their discovering all new things and learning so much. X

She is a little treasure. That's what worries me, she's getting to the age where she is going to notice that I'm far from normal. I want her to have the best possible childhood (as we all do for our dcs) but I just don't think I'm upto the job.

She is a little treasure. That's what worries me, she's getting to the age where she is going to notice that I'm far from normal. I want her to have the best possible childhood (as we all do for our dcs) but I just don't think I'm upto the job.

No such thing as normal define it everyone is different stop worrying as much she'll be fine honestly x

You're her mum, she will love you no matter what. You don't have to be "normal," you just have to be loving and kind.

DontKnow, you are so strong just for being you and I'm glad you're here.

Cailin, you are a wonderful person.

Thankyou all for your kind messages, it really does help having people to talk/vent/ramble to. I am feeling a bit calmer now.
Thankyou again

Thankyou all for your kind messages, it really does help having people to talk/vent/ramble to. I am feeling a bit calmer now.
Thankyou again

Jasminerice you've just described how my own mother behaved after my eldest sister left, she would play victim and make out she has no idea why she isn't allowed to see her niece.

I thought I was the only one who used to envisage torturing and murdering those bastards...surprised to see I'm not and relieved because it makes me feel a little less insane.

for those of you in counselling, did you have to go private? I did. I've been finding it quite hard to keep up payments

Bogoff, I used to keep my DH awake at night and make him help me think up ideas of how I could murder my parents and get away with it.

Don'tknow, I worry too about my DC's realising how 'not normal' I am too. My DD is 8, so older than yours. Recently I have bought her some books aimed at children with parents with mental illness. They are really good and perhaps when your DD is older you could look for some books for her. I firmly believe that knowledge is power and a lack of education about mental health issues is what makes it seem scary. I know I'm never going to be completely well so i've decided the best approach is to talk openly to the DC's about my illness and educate them about it in an age appropriate manner. DS is only 5 so too early to speak to him just yet. DH is fully supportive of this approach and has in fact also learnt a lot about me from reading the books I got for DD.

CD, yes, the 'Daughters of Deluded Bitch Mothers Club'. I'll definately sign up for that.

thank you Plink.

Yay let's start the club Jasmine. There would be plenty of wine/beer/gin and a huge whiteboard where we hatch elaborate fictional plans for murder.

Like you Jasmine I've accepted I'll never be fully well. I'm ok with that, really, it's far easier than trying and trying to behave like a "normal" person and wearing myself to a nub in the process. It's sad to think that I might have been different if these things hadn't happened to me, but I am very happy with my life now and wouldn't change it so I hang onto that.

I haven't had private counselling Karma. The only counselling I've had was free at the student health clinic when I was a student. The psychiatric nurse was also free. I'm not sure I could afford many private sessions, they're pricey. How much do you pay?