Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

If I ever challenged my mother I'm sure I'd get "the list" too. She thinks she was a great mother, I'm sure. Deluded bitch.

Don'tknow, they hurt you, it was wrong.

Cailin, you won't turn out like your mother, I'm not a huggy person but my DS is loved and is happy, you loved your sister, your mother didn't love you, mine didn't. It's how you handle mistakes, talking about, seeing your child as a person. Not purposely disregarding their needs.

There is a book on sex therapy, I think from havoca or napac, thats for survivors and spouses.

Dotty, I feel like that.

I feel not worthy or like I have no right to be here.

I'm off out for a 0while meetinf g eldest for lunch we used to go every 2-3 weeks buy since starting this in October I haven't been able to looking foorward to it.

Oh lovely dotty :) Have a good one!

Have a lovely afternoon dotty x

How are you doing DontKnow?

Feel terrible, sort of spaced out. Dd is still asleep so I've got some peace, for now. It keeps going round and round in my head. What happened, what I should have done.
Thankyou for asking Cailin x

Feel terrible, sort of spaced out. Dd is still asleep so I've got some peace, for now. It keeps going round and round in my head. What happened, what I should have done.
Thankyou for asking Cailin x

If you think writing any of it down would help, please do, it doesn't matter if it's not coherent. I get that spaced out feeling, it's really awful.

It is, really knocks me. If you don't mind me asking, have you spoken to your gp about it? Has it helped?
I only ask as I have once but didn't go back, ran out and threw up in the street, not my finest moment.
Please don't answer if you'd rather not.

Do you think I'm a deluded bitch? just been called a bitch so much it feels like everyone thinks I'm one.

My mother disregards everything I do, I went no contact for years then recontacted them but they're still them same.

Have a good afternoon dotty.

Don'tknow, hope your ok

I spoke to my GP in the last place I lived, about 2 and a half years ago. She was very sympathetic and said she'd refer me for counselling. 6 months later I'd heard nothing so I asked again and she said she'd get on it. After 2 years there was nothing. I don't know if there was a massive waiting list or if she just didn't refer me. I moved at the end of last year and I haven't spoke to the GP here about it.

I have gone a couple of GPs about depression, without talking about the abuse. I got anti-depressants and one particularly good GP would ring me quite often and eventually referred me to a psychiatrist which was a bit of a disaster really. The only good thing that came of it was that I saw a psychiatric nurse for a few hour-long sessions and she was fantastic. I mean properly brilliant. I didn't talk about the abuse but I did talk about my mother and she made me realise how damaging my relationship with her was. Up till then it literally hadn't occurred to me at all. That realisation was a massive massive turning point for me, I can pinpoint it as the moment when my life suddenly started to improve dramatically.

God no Plink, my mother is the deluded bitch. Who called you a bitch?

I am pleased that you eventually got the support you so rightly deserved. It seems as though there are huge waiting lists everywhere.
I am considering going to see the gp again, I can't go on like this. Looking at my life from the outside I should be bloody happy. I put on such a front for everyone but I'm a total mess. I should have gone into acting.
The smallest things trigger flashbacks, the nightmares are the focal point of my life.

I am pleased that you eventually got the support you so rightly deserved. It seems as though there are huge waiting lists everywhere.
I am considering going to see the gp again, I can't go on like this. Looking at my life from the outside I should be bloody happy. I put on such a front for everyone but I'm a total mess. I should have gone into acting.
The smallest things trigger flashbacks, the nightmares are the focal point of my life.

I didn't think you meant me but I am so insecure, my mother has and my ex.

I think my mother was jealous.
Your mother does sound like a bitch, I have never called anyone that before.

After my attack I didn't sleep at home again, he used to go in my room at night, sleep in my bed, go through my things, one night he destroyed my room. I cried because I was relieved I hadn't been there. She called me a bitch for running away. I got a microphone and tape recorder after that, that stopped him another time

My DH had to drag me to see the GP when I first became depressed. I was in the middle of some really important stuff at work, stuff I couldn't miss, and I just wasn't sleeping. I was heading for a breakdown. He made the appointment and went along with me. He did all the talking while I cried, acted like I was drunk and vomited into the sink The GP didn't bat an eyelid. I apologised and he said "I honestly don't know what you're apologising for, I see sick people all day every day, it's my job." He was so matter of fact that it made things much easier.

Taking the first step is the hardest bit.

so "bitch" is another trigger, sorry Cailin the word triggered me.

I was talking to friends the other day, got triggered and they just looked at me daft, they know and reassured me they didn't mean me. It's a bit annoying to say the least.

Don'tknow, the more people who have the courage to go to gp's the more seriously things might be taken, hopefully you get help.

Pyschiatric care isn't good enough though.

I struggle to see the point of psychiatrists to be honest. Like I mentioned I was referred to a psychiatrist by my GP. This meant I had to go along to the clinic at the hospital, see a random psychiatric registrar who knew nothing about me, tell him/her my basic history in ten seconds flat, have him/her tell me my medication was fine and be sent home. One registrar did ask "Do you have any money worries?" I replied "Well, yes, we are both unemployed at the moment" (just a temporary thing, but worrying nonetheless) to which his response was "Well we all worry about money" with a sneer! What an arsehole! He was the one who asked me, then he acted like I was moaning about nothing None of them actually talked to me, it was just all about the meds.

The psychiatric nurse was the only one who was worth anything.

IMO the NHS should have a proper, functioning counselling system so that if you go along needing counselling you should be seen by a highly qualified counsellor in a maximum of six weeks.

I agree Dana, I've found psychiatrists pretty much a waste of time. Psychotherapists can be very useful though

How are you doing KarmaK?

I really can not cope with this today, what is wrong with me?! I need it to go away. I can't do it anymore

Bit rough at the moment Dana but am hanging in there. How about you?

CD, you have described my childhood too. It all looked perfect and nice, plenty of clothes, toys, holidays, good food etc etc. But it was totally awful for me. My mother seemed to dislike and resent me from day 1. But she was besotted with my 2 younger sisters and never even bothered to at least pretend she loved me and cared about me. And then when my dad started abusing me which she knew about, she did nothing to stop him. But like your mother, she now thinks she was a wonderful mother and can't understand why I cut ties with her and my dad nearly 6 years ago. She is a deluded bitch too. She's also playing the victim role to the hilt and has got everyone feeling sorry for because she has got such a horrible ungrateful daughter (me) who is depriving her from seeing her grandchildren. Stupid cow. I frequently fantasise about going to her house and beating her to a pulp with a baseball bat.