Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

It all comes down to nature, whilst we are gathering, talking about our experiences and trying to heal, there are women and me out there that turn that pain into aggression and abuse and pain.

And these people are our mothers, fathers, family members, friends, people is positions of trust.

This is how the circle keeps turning, because there are those who are not strong enough or are just warped past saving who choose to repeat that abuse on someone else.

And I say choose because I honestly believe they do, I understand a little of what made them that way, but regardless, there is no room for doubting just on an intellectual level just how strongly society feels about child molesters, you must know that it is wrong, otherwise they wouldn't play the mind games they do to keep from being discovered.

Which to me says they have a choice.

They just choose pain instead of peace

That should have read women and men...

I may also be mentally "ill" but I choose to ask for help, as any descent adult would, I choose to find another way.

Peodophiles and those who allow others to abuse children know that they are abusing and choose to do that. They get something out of it.

And that is sick.

Thats a good book Dotty, you are so strong.

Wish I was PP, it was recommended by a friend who wants me to stop putting myself down and blaming myself something I know I do but can't help.

This is an amazing thread. Hugs to you all!

My mother grew up in tough circumstances - very big (think Irish Catholic) family, alcoholic father, very little money etc. When I told her about my abuse she mentioned an incident with her cousin which on the face of it seemed very minor but the fact that she remembers it so long after it happened would suggest otherwise. I do wonder if she was the victim of physical abuse if not sexual abuse.

I totally understand the worry about becoming an abuser. I don't worry about being abusive as such, I worry about being like my mother. She didn't abuse me, she just turned a blind eye to me which made me a very obvious target. If I gave the bare facts of my upbringing it would seem like I had a great childhood. I had two parents who never fought, a secure home, healthy food, new stuff at Birthdays and Christmas, plenty of decent clothes, after school activities, every last thing that your average mumsnetter worries about.

And yet, my childhood was awful, just awful. I used to hide the fact that I was ill because my mum would get cross about bringing me to the doctor (you have to pay for the GP in Ireland), I used to cry in the bathroom when I had an ear infection and was in agony because I was afraid to wake my mum in case she got annoyed (no one was ever allowed in her room at night), she ignored the fact that I had a psychopathic teacher when I was 7/8 who scared me so much I was suicidal, she never talked to me about anything important and very much sent the message that any negative emotion wasn't welcome in the house. We had to pretend to be fine at all times, and any deviation from that was greeted with annoyance and coldness. It was all very subtle, so that from the outside it would seem I was complaining about nothing. If you asked my mother she would say she did everything she could - she worked full time while my father was unemployed and did practically nothing around the house, she was ill for quite some time with an undiagnosed but treatable problem, she has a whole raft of excuses. So when do I blame her and when do I admit that we all make mistakes? And will I make those mistakes myself?

Even now I'm totally invisible. She never ever calls me, just texts now and again, and it's always "How are you all" or "How is DH's job going?" or "How is DS?", never ever "How are you" Anything I mention about myself is completely ignored. I don't think she does it on purpose.

My mothers like that Cailin last time she phoned one of my sisters in November she asked about her eldest DS, her DH and my other sister no-one else her eldest DD was quite ill at the time due to the same issues as us she was just about to go for a breast biopsy and has womens troubles for some time. Mum still doesn't know that my sister had 2 lumps removed.

As far as I'm concerned my mothers now dead I can't forgive her for what seems like an ultimate betrayal she actually asked my sister several times if what we said was true and is now denying ever being told. I really hope she does get called if it goes to trial as my sister mentioned all this in her statement she won't be able to lie in court.

I still see my mother a few times a year which I can manage. I don't consider her my mother though. In my book a mother is someone who always looks out for you and checks if you're alright, not someone who just provides the basics and then lets you fend for yourself. Anyone could have done that. I consider her a slightly annoying relative who must be appeased for the sake of my sister. Once my sister moves out of home next year then I think I'll reduce contact to once a year.

Oh god I am struggling today. Thank heavens dd has decided to have a nap so I can have a lie down myself. I have cried all morning after yet another horrendous night of nightmares. Why are days like this becoming more common, I can't even drag myself to the shops for some milk! Truly pathetic, I know.
I feel like I'm going to burst! Why did it happen? Why did they do it? Why me? Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!
At 16 I was living with my brother, didn't speak to my mum and my dad was living with his partner so it made sense that we lived together, he is 3 years older than me so my dad was happy that I'd be ok, if only he knew. So at first all was fine, I was at college, my brother worked full time. He then got involved in drugs. Cocaine mainly. He was using coke but nothing else, the debts started piling up, he was used as a runner but still couldn't work the debts off. Things took a turn for the worse when they kicked seven bells out of him, it was only then that I found out. We were too bloody scared to tell our dad and stupidly thought we could sort it out.
That's when they started taking extra payments, me. The first time they followed me home, stopped the car infront of me and off we went. Apparently this was just supposed to show him how serious they were. 2 years this went on for, two bastard years. I ended up in hospital more times than I care to remember.

Even when I read that back I am furious at how bloody stupid I was, I was 16, more than capable of stopping it. Why did I let them scare me, cut me, beat me, rape me!
I just need to get rid of the memories.

My sisters where more like a mum to me Cailin they took me everywhere with them and showed me lots of love in fact when the sister I'm closest to met her DH I was 7 but according to her I was tiny only looked 4 or 5 she was 15 but always looked a lot older he thought I was her DD kind of makes it worse because I was so little.

i have namechanged as i am a regular poster. It is very hard for me to read all the posts and i am so sorry for each one of you who has had this awful thing happen.

I have only ever told one person, a boyfriend when i was about 21 when something reminded me what happened, i had blocked it out. I was a reclusive, introvert girl and even now prefer to be alone. he went mental and wanted to tell the police as my brother had small daughters. I knew my parents would never believe me and i wouldn't. it bothers me if he did anything, but i thought of all the trouble it would cause and how it would wreck lives by me doing that as no one would believe me - my parents always favoured my brother with everything. he was their golden boy.

I was abused by my brother from I think about 5 or 6- I remember as I had a school uniforn on, and I would be sent up after school to change and he would be waiting for me in my mum and dads bedroom. I had to go in their and somehow I would end up with no pants. At first it was everything but when i got breasts I wouldn't take my top off. I can't remember how pants came off. He would touch me and make me touch him. he called it tickling and He would make me play "rape" where I had to pretend to be walking along and he would jump on me. I cannot remember anything really, and it only stopped when he got a girlfriend, so about 2 years. He was older than me, by 9 years.

my mum never came to find out what was going on, she must have been in the house and hearing the noise? we lived in a 3 bed semi. he told me not to tell her as she would be really angry with us. it was our secret.

this thread which i stumbled on brought it all back. I know now why i don't like foreplay at all and have always avoided it. I know now why during sex i become disassociated and feel like I am not there. I love my dh, and i try not to let him see i just endure. I would never tell him, i had a crap enough childhood which distresses him already. i would like to change my sex life but how - i see now I really wrecked relationships when i was younger, avoiding sex, avoiding foreplay, really messing with decent men. I was raped when I was 18 by my bosses boyfriend. he told me i would lose my job if i told. i kept that a secret too. I have done other stuff too, which I wonder is a result of this.

there is something else- when i was at parents bathing kids, brother and his wife burst into the bathroom and took pics of my naked ds at 2 and dd at 7 weeks. lots of them, without warning. I heard her outside, saying go on, just go in and take them and he rushed in and started snapping. I said don;t as ds hates having his pic taken. they just laughed. what is weird i think is no one has ever seen the pics and they have never been given to me or shown to anyone. do you think its weird?

thats a long post. i also have to be drunk to have sex. if not, i am dreadful.

enough now, ds is awake.

Dontknow, I wish I could just sit with you and hold your hand.

You are not pathetic, you are suffering. For some reason people think it's fine to stay in bed if you have flu but if you have the worst mental pain imaginable you still have to keep going regardless. You don't. It's ok not to be well.

We are here.

I was like a mother to my sister dotty. I hope that in some way made up for the shitness of her real mother. She would ambush me for hugs which I found annoying as a teenager, until I realised that the only reason she did it was because she just a little girl desperate for affection (she's 7 years younger than I) and she wasn't getting anything at all from our parents. When I realised that I made it my business to fill in the gaps my parents left - I would take her out for treats, hug her and kiss her when she wanted me to, listen to her when she had a problem, all the things a mother should be doing.

Thank you for telling your story orange. I also find it very hard to talk to my DH, but last night I got up the courage to say I need to talk to him tonight. I don't know what I'll be able to say to him but I do need to just connect with him. It will help me get back to earth again.

Thankyou Cailin x
I hope everything goes well chatting to your DH. You deserve the support.

Sorry to go on and on about this but something that makes me really angry is that my sister has a mild disability which affects her mobility. When she was very young I used to go sometimes with her and my mother to her physio appointments. I remember the physio very strongly recommending that my mother do certain exercises with my sister every day. They were very simple, and didn't require any special equipment. My mother did a couple of days of them, then stopped, claiming that my sister was "too stubborn" and wouldn't do them. As a result my sister's mobility now is much worse than it should be. It doesn't stand in her way, because she's an extremely determined person, but doing those exercises could have helped her and my mother just didn't bother. I did them with her sometimes and she was happy enough to do them, I didn't find her stubborn at all. But I was on 9 or 10 at the time and didn't have the foresight to see the effect that not doing the exercise would have. If I had known I would have persisted.

My mother now does a very good "woe is me" act about my sister, claiming to be so upset about the birth injury that caused her disability. And I just sit there steaming thinking "if you were really fucking sad about it you would have lifted one lazy ass finger to help you fucking hypocrite."

I was born into a family who belonged to a group whod as part of their so called religion tortu red and raped children. Both my parents were involved from when I born until into my 20s. Even among survivors I feel like a total freak and don't really fit it. I am so tired of trying to get my life back

You fit in here Farely. There are no conditions for being on this thread, only that you want to talk.

It IS taboo

Abused by my 'father' but also my eldest two sisters were when they were younger but they were also beaten by our 'mother'. The eldest left home young because of it - I think she told the school?
The 2nd eldest left in her late teens but still visited...
My abuse only came out in the family because my 'mum' tried to separate me from my 'boyfriend' by sending me to my cousins. Being a rebellious teen and quite frankly miffed by my mothers apparent 'care' I told my uncle (her brother) that 'dad' was abusing me. Soon it was all cycled through the entire family (without my realising) and my 2nd eldest sister turned up at cousins and took me back to theirs where without talking to me properly she called the police and I was rail roaded into a court case I was 14 and blamed myself.

Stayed with my sister for a bit which I loved but foolishly thought wed live happily together (niece and sisters DP) but they were moving and used the "you disobeyed us and stayed out" excuse to kick me off to social services then they moved away and I never heard from her again, not even throughout the case.

I was alone, in care and met DH. My other sister who was still at home and had always been horrid to me told him I was a slut and told lies. I had to then explain to DH what she meant and he believed me. If I hadn't stayed with DH I have no doubt I would be in a very sad state, like drinking, drugs, sex, all sorts.

I only ever had a couple teachers in school that supported me. They once turned to me and said "we believe you" I was abit because until that point it hadn't crossed my naive mind that people wouldn't!

Anyway whole family went against me, even my cousins tried to discount my court case by starting they're own and making my small (3yo) cousin say our other uncle (who was apparently simple) abused her! It was all lies which they later admitted.

So it's no surprise the court case failed and he went Scott free - my family said I was lying and we couldn't get hold of my eldest sister...

So when my DD asks I say my parents died in a car crash and I was an only child.
End of.

Last point to my epic post; if I ever knew any of you I would support you and would never judge you.

I blamed myself because I thought I "allowed" it to happen. I couldn't understand I was only a child and had no idea how wrong and disgusting he was.

for this thread. I've wanted to write this down for some time.

I meant to say Dontknow, you were not to blame for what happened to you. You didn't "let" them do those things to you. It wasn't your fault. You were in a terrible situation and you were targeted by twisted, sick, evil people. You didn't deserve any of it, it shouldn't have happened to you.

Thanks for posting Bogoff.

Cailin that's really sad about your sister, something else that my lovely parents did for me was throw it back in my face about everything they did for me when I was so ill at 12 ( the golden child's fault) and all the other things found out last year my sister receieved a letter with everything they'd ever done for her 20 points highlighted. Only one of us who didn't was my sister who moved from home to a childrens hospice to work she came home on weekends off they charged her board, left all the ironing for her and expected her to babysit us. Glad I'm not like them at least I hope I'm not that's your job as a parent to look after your children.

orangefool I would say doing nothing will cause more damage. What happens if he is abusing his daughters? If my sisters had done something I could have been safe but they did nothing...
Have you thought about seeing a councillor?
Sorry