Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Hi 1980

I know someone who has been through a similar experience and understand that feeling of being isolated, even from your support networks, but please stay

There is no scale of abuse, it is what it is, a person taking what they want from you, leaving you powerless, don't allow this to continue by thinking that what you have suffered is somehow lessened due to your age, or that your experiences would alienate others because of the circumstances.

We are here to listen

1980 you belong here because you have shared what happened to you. You are focused on the fact that you were older than most of the posters here - why is that?

Antsy, you are normal, you have experienced something awful and it has affected you. That's normal. I'm silly to bleat on about that though because I don't feel normal either and I often feel sorry for DH that he ended up with me.

I was told by DC that mine was severe but reading other peoples stories make me realize how lucky I was that at least I thought he loved me at the time I was growing up. He never hurt me in other ways got enough of that off our parents but he hadn't he was the 'golden child' still is in my lovely mothers eyes. I went and dd her will with her a few years ago when I got the copy through she'd put HIM down as the other executer made me feel sick but could not say anything to her as I am such a weak person.

Older when the abuse started (14), not older in the age I am (31). So nothing he did physically damaged me which happen with young victims but I knew more about what was happening and when he said do you want a or b what choice to make. When the victim is a bit older I bet it is easier to make then feel ashamed because they understand more. More ashamed is the same as more power for him.

Yeah I realised you meant older when the abuse started. I was just worried that you were somehow blaming yourself because you were older, or thinking that it wasn't as bad. Any abuse is damaging, no matter what the age.

Making you choose is really awful because it gives the illusion that you're participating, when in fact you really have no choice.

Doesn't matter abuse is abuse you where a child it makes me so that a lot of the posters like yourself where born after CP came into being unlike myself and it is still prevailant in fact I personally feel that due to the internet it is much more widespread makes me so that its still going on now.

Cailin even now there's times I find it hard to accept as I was given choices but its like Hobson's choice ---- no choice at all.

1980 - I had hoped that just for once I could feel the same as other people but even in a thread about child abuse I feel like an outsider.

Me too! I see these things around about abuse and I know that technically I have been abused but I never think I can qualify somehow.

I used to feel like this about everything in my life, just trying to pass for normal while feeling such an outsider. But gradually, gradually I have come to feel like a "normal" person. It's been amazing. Loads of counselling plus finally the abuser prosecuted and found guilty, I was amazed by the impact of the finding, it was very freeing for me to have a court ruling and not carry the whole mess in my head any longer.

Treadwarily don't answer if you don't want to but how did you cope with a court case, I'm terrified if it goes to court that I won't be able to do it.

dotty - My driving force with the action was to stand up for my dd which I didn't feel I could do until I had stood up for myself. So I went in determined to be strong for her and in doing so was strong for myself. If that makes any sense at all.

I had to read out my statement-thing and then answer questions from both sides. The defense counsel tried really hard to rile me but I was expecting that, that is his job and I understood what he was doing. I just answered his questions. Quite often he didn't ask questions, he'd just make statements (You're lying, you are a little liar etc) and I would just wait and then, after a while, say "Did you have a question?"

I felt very strongly that if I just told the truth, including admitting when I couldn't remember, that I could not go wrong.

It was unpleasant, for sure, but the court decision was excellent. The prosecutor said it was the best witness report he had ever seen. They described me over and over as truthful, reliable, helpful etc which lifted a burden I didn't realise I'd been carrying.

You can definitely do it. We are all people and we all have the right to be heard and respected.

Thanks treadwarily my kids are all grown up now it was a mixture of things with me such as his sons wife losing a baby since found out its 2 she lost in a year but I never thought it through realistically honestly thought it would never affect me as in my mind it never had as I couldn't see it. I didn't do a written statement it was taped and have been told I did brilliantly DC down England said we all came across as genuine if we didn't remember we said so never embelished anything also each of our stories where different. If it goes to court its going to be under special measures we won't be in the courtroom but seperate room via video-link and the video will be played as evidence the day I done it is a blur can't remember much of what I said so I will have to watch it first I do know I had to go into graphic detail terrified of being judged for what I did as I went to him willingly. Also scared of being ripped apart by his defence. The more L the DC talks to me is convincing me she has a gut feeling its going to happen as she has started talking about court procedure where when I met her at New Year she said it would be wrong of her to tell me what she thought might happen.

Seriously, what makes these bastards (the paedophiles) do this??????

For me one of the scariest elements is that my mother is a sexual abuse survivor herself. Instead of that making her want to protect me it ended up with her actually making sure that I got raped as young as possible!!! In fact I read a news article a few years ago about a "mother" who had advertised her 2 year old in some sort of paedo forum, inviting men to come over and rape the child. In that case the mother was actually charging the men money I think. I don't think my mother was even asking for money, she just seemed to want my innocence destroyed as quickly as possible. The first evidence of rape (found in medical records) in my case was when I was 3 years old. But for all I know it had happened even before I was 3.

Are people who encourage paedos to rape their children mentally ill?

No that's just excusing an evil person Karma just like those who say these bastards are sick unfortunately for most of their victims they're related to them as well.

I didn't say that thing abusers, my abusers didn't even recognise me as human, they don't care what they do.

I feel like an outsider too, I'm so angry at myself for not being normal. I got kicked out when I was 15, met my ex, violent, got pregnant, me and baby kicked out just after baby's first birthday.

Dad didn't want anything to do with baby, lots of accussations about me over the years, ss, police, loans in my name, just a huge mess. My family blamed me. I went crazy, brokedown.

Karma, I think that you can be broken beyond repair, so damaged that you no longer feel anything, I believe that this is something that happens when you are so young, in order to protect yourself, that it ends up being a core part of your soul

I think anyone's behaviour that deviates so much from the acceptable norm, like peadophiles, is a mental disorder of a sort, but then to class it as a mental illness also adds stigma to those suffering from mental illnesses (as if there is not enough already)

Why do women do this? Why do men? I hope never to understand the answer to that, as much as I seek to understand what happened to me.

But your post, it's why I worry so much about becoming an abuser, I would never sell my child to someone, I would never do anything sexually or physically inappropriate, but rather... I worry that the lasting damage of my experiences will reflect on her, that I don't understand what healthy is and that what I think is right is actually wrong, I worry all the time about it

After all, I think I said before, I don't think anyone starts here life with the intention of damaging people, it's a path that they travel.

Plink, you are an amazing person, despite them trying to dehumanise you, despite the harassment and abuse and power games, you are still fighting, do you know how amazing that is?

I am so sorry these things happened to you, I see you

I'm scared my ex will find me on here but actually so what.

I'm 33, I have a DS nearly 17, I have protected him from all but the emotional abuse of being neglected, I have not had a relationship since I was 18, he hasn't had a normal two parent upbringing and until the massive fuck up a few years ago with his dad his childhood was happy.

You know, I always feel like I'm justifying myself to my abusers in my head and apologising incase I get beaten for speaking and that everyone dispises me. Not true.

being neglected by his father and that hurts me so fucking much.

Thanks antsy, that is so true.

For the first time here I feel accepted and understood. I hope everyone dealing with this keeps posting. Fighting past the minds games of not telling is really important.

Karma my abuser was brutally raped when he was a baby, he drank himself to death and didn't know anyother way. BUT in no way are all survivors going to go on to abuse, most don't.

1980 I was older too and wasn't sure if I should post as what happened to me was different from the other posters on here but I have still found a massive amount of support here, I hope you do too

1980, please do keep posting, I'm crap at supporting people. What happened to you and your sis is vile and sick. As Cailin said just post whatever.

I was supposed to have psych today but she's off sick, she does find it emotionally quite hard, who wouldn't. Can't decide wether to go and do something or just veg.

Dotty sorry I wasn't helpful yesterday, you are so brave and strong.

Everyone here is, argh getting soppy I'm off for a bit

Antsy, that was a very profound post of yours. I think everything with you and your child will be OK. Because you have self awareness :)

Karma my abuser was brutally raped when he was a baby, he drank himself to death and didn't know anyother way.

Oh my God.

Thats the thing though Karma. many abused don't know another way but they know not to abuse.

So many abused do not go on to abuse, those that do choose to do that and he used alcohol to excuse it. As an adult he knew he was doing wrong and chose to hurt others.

I hurt myself by trying to commit suicide but by asking, begging and never shutting up I am choosing not to hurt myself or others.

Just received my book The Courage to Heal ordered it on Tuesday from Amazon

PP don't be daft no apologies needed I find writing things down helps also being more honest with DH about how I'm really doing the mask in the house is slipping off.