Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Because you are still reasonably young I waited until I was 40 and he's had half my life and my children's childhood wasn't brilliant because of him if I could do it again I would of got proper counselling and eventual closure years ago.

Yeah I definitely think I need to talk to DH about the treat thing Xales. My home life was extremely "flat" - everything was extremely stable (regular routine, no fights, no shouting, no hugs, no kisses) and there was rarely any break in the monotony. It's not like treats were withheld or anything, they just didn't happen. The most we ever got was a chocolate bar from my gran on Fridays. I don't want DS's life to be like that. I know stability and routine are important but I also want to be able to say "Right we're off to the toy shop, think of something you'd like to get DS," and for him to be excited and thrilled by something unexpected and lovely happening.

You sound like a great mummy

Bed for me I am going to be a zombie for the school run!

The rare time a treat did happen it was always very fraught. The first time I went to the cinema my aunt took me and my sister. My aunt had mentioned getting sweets but when it came to it my mother gave us oranges (yes oranges!!) to eat as sweets were too expensive. That's how it was with every "special" thing that happened - there was always some silly limit on what we could have and my mother was so uptight about it and made it so clear that everything was so expensive or so difficult or so complicated that it was impossible to enjoy it. I am quite proud of myself that when she tried to delay my graduation dinner by a year, yes, a year so that my sister and I could have a joint dinner (bear in mind my sister and I don't get on, and my parents are quite wealthy) I put my foot down and said if she didn't want to give me a graduation dinner then don't mention it in the first place (it was her idea). Of course she couldn't possibly be seen not to give me a dinner (appearances, don't you know!) so for the first time in my whole fucking life I got what I wanted.

Ahh it's good to vent.

I must head to bed too, goodnight :)

And thank you Xales, that's all I've ever really wanted to be, and I'm hoping to God I succeed.

I was raped from about age three. The problems in life that have ensued as a result of this seem to be a bit never-ending. I am making progress but there was just so much damage. Even physical damage (my urethra was badly damaged). I'm finding it really hard. Can't handle having sex either the thought of it makes me want to puke up.

Xales so sorry that happened,

Karmak, so sorry too, I can't have sex, mentally, I dissociate.

I have to keep people a foot away, literally, can't stand cars, taxi's, trains etc, crowds, pubs, cinemas, I feel like I spend my whole time backing away from people. I hug my DC and it feels abnormal, how much damage have I done there.

I have had 3 suicide attempts before DC and gynae(sp?) problems.

Cailin, so sorry, I just read every parent/baby book going.

Dotty, I'd be so angry too.

Sorry to hear this Pasta! I think the dissociating re sex is quite "normal" among sexual abuse survivors. I sometimes think maybe predators wouldn't do this to children if they realized quite how seriously it will affect that child for the rest of his or her life.

Karma I don't think predators give a flying fuck about the effect it has.
They areall about their needs answer their power .
Joining btw. Also a survivor with a big mouth who is tired of being silent

Anyone on this thread able to have sex without finding it completely revolting?

I am Karma, luckily. I was only ever raped anally so vaginal sex feels ok. Being fingered can be triggering at times because my abuser did that to me and I remember it very clearly. DH and I did try anal once before I'd fully remembered what happened to me, just experimenting, and that's what brought all the memories back. I won't ever be able to do it again, which is no great loss. I imagine it would be much harder and more complicated if the rape hadn't been anal so in that sense I'm sort of "lucky".

I was able to have sex with my lo dad in a very healthy way before we split up, but we were together 10 years, he listened to me screaming through the night and my drunken ravings about my life, he almost knew me inside out.

I think for me I would have to trust that deeply to ever be involved with someone, which is a rare thing.

It is also an impossibility for me now, because I have a child, and I don't mind spending the rest of my life alone if. It guarantees one massive risk is removed from her life.

I trust her dad because I see how much he loves her, but, although I would never say this because it would end our friendship, that trust is not without review, despite me knowing how desperately unfair it is and knowing that it is entirely my problem

I can only trust myself completely because I know what I am thinking, I learnt at too young an age that you can't trust people's secret thoughts

Antsy do you think you might consider having a relationship when your DD is grown up?

I doubt it, the thought of having to start to build that intimacy and explain myself to someone in the hope that they have enough sensitivity to understand and empathise just seems so exhausting, it makes my heart hurt to think about it...

Thing is, it was so easy with my dd father, I do realise that could happen again, I hope it does, even though I'll be old and wrinkly then

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why did you and your DD's father break up?

Although he understood what I had been through, he wasn't equipped to pick up on how mentally damaged I am, or how ill I was, I had coasted along pretending to be this person he had thought I was when he met, but piece by piece I was falling apart, I can't blame him, I didn't understand myself.

I was drinking heavily, almost every day, but it never occurred to him as I was working, I have what I now understand to be dissociative disorder and my behaviour when I was in these states was dire... I was never violent or aggressive, but worst, I lied, I had convinced myself that my mother had died and told him this he didn't have any contact with them so took my word for it.

He took my word for many things without knowing it was not even my word.

I'm not exaggerating when I say i tore his life apart, he was a beautiful person when I met him, he could not understand how I could do this to him when he demanded nothing more than loving each other, it was so simple to him.

And so impossible for me to accept or give.

It all came apart a piece at a time and the more disgusted and upset he became the worst I did, we stopped contact all together and I tried to kill myself, ended up in hospital and from then on my life got a bit better.

We stayed friends and one night slept together and this is where y little bundle of joy hailed from.

He is my best friend, but I also know that he has never had a chance to express his angry or hurt it anything to me, because when he needed to I was unable to understand or listen.

He used to be a beautiful person, he's change since being with me Nd although I love my daughter I wish I had never met him so that he could have met someone worthwhile and honest who was well enough to live him back.

It makes me ashamed to think of what happened between us.

:(

If you asked him his opinion on your relationship what do you think he would say?

I find it difficult at the moment with all the memories coming back I can't 'touch' DH I also can't let him see me naked and lock the bathroom door all the time but sex was never a problem before we have only made love 3 times since my disclosure first time was horrific as I remembered the physical pain second time I was able 'to let go' it was weird last time I just cried. I never liked certain positions but never knew why but do now, even though my abuse was rape from an early age I never saw that it took the DC to tell me that on the was home from interviewing me how stupid I felt getting to the age of almost 41 and not realizing that it was. To me rape was about violence like what happened in my first relationship not being asked if I wanted to go on top or bottom. As a friend who went through the same said to me it was like I'm going to rape you choose your weapon. It took until he was arrested 5 days before christmas for me to accept that he raped me and for me to say it willingly out loud my dr made me say it told her I was going to crisis centre and she wouldn't accept that and pushed me to say the word.

Calina, I would be too scared to ask him, but I do know we have talked about things on occasion, and he thanks me for helping change him in the good ways, he is more outgoing and confident since meeting me, he is more likely to take a chance, but he doesn't see what I see, the suspicion and the cynicism...

He met someone else a while ago, but she really messed him about to the point where he thought I might have contacted her to put her off I was really upset by that, made me realise he perhaps does not see how much I have changed, and sadly has made me less likely to share things with him, because at the back of mind my mind always is the thought that our child will now keep us connected and I don't want anyone thinking I am unable to care for her.

Dotty

I don't know what to say apart from I'm so sorry this has happened to you but think you are so strong and brave to be facing it and getting help.

I just want to recommend a book that helped turn around my relationship with DH. It's called Allies in Healing and I would highly recommend it to anyone who was abused and is now in a relationship.

Wow that's harsh antsy - him thinking that you'd contacted his gf :(

I had hoped that just for once I could feel the same as other people but even in a thread about child abuse I feel like an outsider. My abuse started later and I remember most all of it like it was last week. But most of all there were always three people there. He would abuse both of us the one not being abused had to watch and god help you if you didn't. He used to toss a coin to decide who would go first and you would pray it would be you. If you were first it would be over quicker if you were second it all took longer. Every tpe of sex you can think of. Every part of your body until he had had enough servicing.

I know, I think it showed me that he still really didn't understand me, which is fine, I'm not his responsibility, but it was a bit sad as well. The thing is, whilst I was I'll, I was desperately trying to cling to any sort of shape, to be even a little like the person he fell in love with and at that moment in time everything I was doing was designed to make sure he was happy, even though it had the opposite effect iyswim... So for him to think that I would sabotage something that was making him happy was about the worst thing he could have said to me, I was happy that he had met someone, I was worried about the status quo being upset, but was glad for him.

I how he does meet someone amazing who is normal.

What far reaching consequences this all has, all stemmed from a mans (in my case) need to overpower and satisfy himself.

I was thinking on a pp who had said if abusers knew how much pain they caused they might think or act differently.

I don't believe that anyone starts out to abuse another person, some people are so badly damaged that they no longer have any empathy or understanding for others, and I don't believe that those people can change, and I believe that once you start causing the same kind of pain you suffered to someone else you lose the right to use that as an excuse.

I hope there is a special place for the people that cause this anguish and sadness, and I hope it revisits it on them tenfold

1980 I'm so sorry, luckily mine was 'just' normal sex as far as I remember.