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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 22:36

Oh Xales. Honestly I am amazed that anyone can survive that level of abuse. Thank you so much for talking about it. I am thankful that while my abuse was pretty severe it was only for limited periods of time. I don't know how I would have coped if I had to face it on such a regular basis.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/03/2012 22:38

Xales [hug] for you.

you poor thing.

dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 22:38

One thing I count myself lucky for is he was never violent towards me no threats nothing, feel so sad for those of you who's abusers where violent on top of everything else.

jasminerice · 22/03/2012 22:46

Xales, I am so so sorry for what you have been through. I don't know what to say. I hope you have the help and support you need to heal from the damage done to you.

Xales · 22/03/2012 22:50

There is it from you too dotty.

You think yourself 'lucky' because he didn't do something to you. How fucked up a way of thinking do we have as a result of what was done to us?

I think the best comfort I take from this thread is those of us who talk about it and admit it are not likely to ever go on to abuse ourselves. I would tear anyone who hurt my child apart.

We are all amazing in that respect and we are all so strong because the more we share our stories hopefully the more others will share theirs and feel less to blame or shamed etc.

/hugs to all

jasminerice · 22/03/2012 22:51

You are right about saying some things were 'small' when actually they were terrible but only seem small in comparison to other stuff. It's ALL 'big' stuff. My dad held a knife to my throat when I was about 12/13 and I've always considered that one of the small things.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 22:53

Something that's playing on my mind a lot at the moment is the thought of all the children who are going through similar things right now. I know it's a bit pointless to worry about it, but I think back to how I was and what a difference it would have made to my life if one kind adult had come along and recognised what had happened or seen how miserable I was and I wish I could do that for just one child who's suffering at the moment.

It frustrates me so much that such horrific abuse can happen and go unnoticed. Or in dotty's case, it can be noticed but totally ignored. I just can't get my head around it.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 22:56

xales I only started opening up in October nearly 30 years after it stopped I have surprised myself how east it is to talk for years the only emotion I had was anger I was such a horrible person now I fall apart so easily and cry so much it's pathetic should learn to deal with it.

dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 22:59

Cailin I also have 2 nieces who've gone through it one is 28 and going through counselling off work as she couldn't cope she goes back next month iin a staged return, her abuser was a babysitter -- her uncles step-daughter.

jasminerice · 22/03/2012 23:00

Me too CD. In my day teachers weren't trained to spot the signs of possible abuse/problems at home. If they were I would have been picked up straight away as I suddenly went from being very well behaved to extremely badly behaved at the age of 10 (when the abuse started). I think teachers do have more training and awareness of these issues now, but in a class of 30 children I suppose things can easily be missed.

tb · 22/03/2012 23:02

Sadly, my dd was 'allegedly' indecently assaulted by a doctor who put his fingers into her vagina when examining her under her clothes, supposedly checking for pubic hair. She had been referred to him for possible precocious puberty.

Being accused of making a false complaint by the social worker from child protection because of my own history was just too much. I've been signed of with stress since.

dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 23:04

mine wasn't school jasmine but the medical profession I'm so fucking angry over it now, I was always an introvert in my own world no friends to speak of but I was pre-school when my abuse started so any changes happened at home.

TomblibooTrousers · 22/03/2012 23:05

My mum must have known. Everything was always my fault. cant sleep now.finding utter so hard to make sense of all the stuff in my head.

Xales · 22/03/2012 23:07

I wonder how many of you like me would do their hardest not to cry or show soft emotions until you started talking about it? Sort of like a dam or safety feature you have built holding that part of you back until you let it go.

I am the same.

Have to admit I am still very hard and cold a lot to strangers and I don't put up with shit. If someone is bad towards myself or my family then I pretty much cut them out.

However I am more likely to cry now. And I see that as pathetic and something I should deal with too.

dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 23:11

Its a protection mechanism in the brain Xales otherwise so many more of us wouldn't be here if I had not buried it I would of ended it years ago honestly I actually thought of it only thing that stopped me was my darling children I would die to protect them I would also have done time if anyone had ever hurt them.

TomblibooTrousers · 22/03/2012 23:12

I'm like that Xales. I don't get close to people. just go through the motions.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 23:17

My problem isn't so much with crying or soft emotions but with control Xales. That comes more from my parents than the abuse, although the two are linked I suppose. As a teenager I was ridiculously controlling of myself - everything good I did had to be earned and I forced myself to work and work and work at school, sort of as a punishment, or as a way to keep myself under control. That has improved over the years but I still have to convince myself to "allow" myself to have one solitary sweet, or to buy myself a new pair of shoes. I very much project a happy, together image, which is again a control thing. I attract friends very easily but behind it all I'm aware that none of them really knows the real me at all, it's all an act.

I am slowly convincing myself to be less controlling but it's very hard. Sometimes I manage fine with it but other times when I'm stressed it becomes so bad that I won't even allow myself to go to the toilet - I have to wait a certain length of time in order to have "earned" it. I know that sounds absolutely batshit crazy and it is I suppose. I am worried in the long run that this control thing will affect my DS and any other children I have. For the most part so far I think it's not been a problem - I've been pretty laid back about routine, food etc, but I know I'll have to be very vigilant about it in the future. My big stumbling block will be with treats. In my mind treats are a very big deal, they are only for extremely good behaviour over a very long period of time, and once they've been earned they can't be given again for another very long period. I don't want to do this with DS, it's ridiculous. I want him to just have a normal happy childhood but I'm very unclear about what that looks like :(

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 23:21

I have been told my food issue etc are all about control, wasn't until this morning that I realised how bad a problem my control issues are DH tried to help with the housework and I went to pieces over it, I'm hoping the time away on my own in 2 weeks will help me release some of this as it cannot be healthy.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 23:21

On the positive side, me admitting all of that ^^ is a big deal for me. See I would normally very much want to control what you all thought of me. I'm very very good at projecting a certain image and getting people to like me. That's not a bad thing in itself, except that everything I do is always about other people, it's never about myself because I know deep down I don't think I'm worth anything. And that's the crux of it all. I honestly truly and utterly believe that I am totally worthless.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 23:24

Cailin this is going to be the first time on my own for over 21 years everyone as always come first me last I thought I was a crazy person as no-one else could be as bad as I was.

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 23:26

Of course my behaviour doesn't fit with my feelings of worthlessness, I come across as a very confident person. Because I never actually follow my own feelings. I never actually do what I want to do. Because what I want is wrong and bad, so anything I want I must do the opposite. I've only noticed this recently with my sense of direction. I was always convinced I had an awful sense of direction - I would always get lost, even in places I knew well. I suddenly realised one day that I did have an instinct of where to go I just always did the exact opposite of what it was telling me.

Fucked up.

OP posts:
Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 23:31

Wow the shit is pouring out tonight. I think all the crazy stuff about never doing what I want and the control issues stem mainly from my parents. Although the abuse won't have helped I suppose.

I really want to get my head on straight. Things have improved massively for me over the last few years, since I moved away from my parents, but I know there are still things I need to work on.

I think I will look into counselling in the near future. I'm not quite ready for it yet, as I feel I have too much on my plate at the moment but definitely before the end of the year (finances permitting).

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 22/03/2012 23:33

Cailin hope you don't take offence but how old are you?

Original poster
CailinDana · 22/03/2012 23:33

29, why do you ask?

OP posts:
Xales · 22/03/2012 23:34

That is a really tough one to deal with CD Sad At least it is something you are aware of and can look out for.

Perhaps if your other half has a better idea of what is appropriate behaviour for the age of your DS and how often rewards/treats should be given you can ask him for help to say DS deserves a treat for X, Y or Z and between you agree?

Mine is called 'favours'. If I wanted something done or needed help with something. I would have to repay my step-father doing me a 'favour'. It is very hard for me to ask anyone for help and I am as stubborn as a mule about doing things myself. I am extremely resourceful and capable though.