Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

15 isn't a child I think deep down you know that my brother was about 16 when he started on me possibly 15 I know from what my sisters say he started sexually abusing them when. He was 11/ 12 he carried on with us until he was 24 and I stopped him aged 12, even when I did I thought I'd done something wrong.

Dotty that's awful that simple things like kids toys take you back, mines are usually when I am a situation with lots of men, if I see people that look like them, certain smells, things like that but I don't know what it was today. I guess after talking about it for the 1st time after so long it has just reminded me of some details that I had never thought about before

How are you doing Toria? Is it possible to tell your boss you're ill and to just go home?

I'm a bit shaken Cailin it was a shock to suddenly be back there again and remembering details that I had previously forgotten or blocked out

I know, it's awful. If I have a flashback I often can't move or speak.

Do you want to talk about the flashback?

I don't want to be too graphic on here but it was about them using other objects on me.

Oh Toria :( How are you doing now?

I'm ok thanks for being there x

Toria

Thanks PP

Toria so sorry your dealing with this its not nice xx

Flash backs are difficult.

Thanks dotty

PP yes they are thankfully most of mine are usually only at night now

Wavetheflag - it's very sad that so many people we tell our abusers about. 'Choose' to forget it. I just think they can't deal with the knowledge. It's like a burden and they bury it, pretend they never heard it

You're not alone.

Cailin isn't caravanning much more classy though?

Dotty, have you tried running? I can't drive so run instead, I am fat and unfit so it's good for me.

Wavetheflag, yes I've a few family members who have just glossed over it.

Don'tknow, sorry I missed your post, glad you're getting through today, it's funny how hard celebrations can hit you.

Hi Totu.

Caravaning is indeed I'm off to ours alone in 2 and a half weeks need time on my own after the last 6 months never had time away on my own for over 21 years now. No I don't run used to go walking daily but I find that really heightens my anxiety since I've started remembering more I'm gardening at the moment total remodel so its keeping my mind off it at the moment just need to make sure I take it easy as I crash so easily ATM

Oh god I hate caravanning! It's posh hotels (in my dreams!!) all the way for me :)

Thanks for sharing your story wavetheflag, sorry I missed you earlier.

How are you doing Toria?

Are you looking forward to getting away dotty or are you worried about being on your own?

The two men who abused me were friends of family. We stayed with them at one point and I my older sister and I stayed in one man's apartment with the two men and the daughter of one of them while my parents stayed in the other man's apartment with my younger sister. So basically my parents left us in the care of two men that they barely knew for two weeks. We were there overnight every night on our own. What a bonus for two paedophiles.

I have read most of the thread now. So sad

I don't understand my parents. Did they ever mention it to my brother?

The first person i told was a boyfriend when i was 18. We were attempting to have sex and i suddenly burst in to tears and screamed stop. Bit traumatic for him! I think until that point I had bundled the memories away so well that I had almost forhotten. Since then I have done a good job of hiding them again- so good a job that I don't really know what happened.

Personally i am quite happy leaving it like that. It doesn't affect my life now really - i am not a huggy person, don't like people invading my personal space and not overly keen on sex, but i'd rather live like that then open the box. I just have those snapshots of 3 or 4 scenes and that is it.

Dotty, I had my first holiday away on my own just before christmas, it felt like a great achievement after being so useless for a few years.

I can understand the anxiety about outdoors, I have a dv couple next and after helping her one evening he's taken the hump and makes my garden unbearable. I'm thinking of getting some seeds going though. Your gardening sounds great, what are you planning?

hope everyone else is ok.

My abuse stayed totally buried till I was about 18 and the prospect of sex came up with a boyfriend, same as you wave.

I just freaked out and without actually remembering anything (at first) I just knew I'd been abused.

Over the years I've unearthed a lot of it. I feel like I'd rather know than not know. But I can totally understand you not wanting that wave.

How are you feeling after talking about it here?

Cailin - talking about it doesn't bother me. I feel cold about it, detached. Almost like it happened to a different person.

Do you see your brother at all these days?

Cailin, thats awful, I found out my mother knew my step father had raped his daughter.

Wavetheflag, you sound like me, I had a stress with my DC and the ex, they're all adults and don't speak now but it was all too much for me and I kind of broke.

I see him occasionally. He lives near to my parents. My boys think he is great. I feel nervous when i see him. Sometimes when i see him i wonder if i made the whole thing up. He seems so normal and we act normal. My parents are usually there and i'm sure they watch thinking everything's fine.

I've been told by police that it is common for families to take the side of the abuser how right they are. Not only my experience but the ladies on this thread prove it so so damn sad the people you need the most turn against you at these times