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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 08:52

Cailin yes I do have support in place L the DC in charge and S the local one who did my taped interview have been absolutely amnazing L phones me about every 2 weeks she speaks to me more as a friend than a police officer she even phoned when she was on weekend nights just for a chat as she knows DH works long hours and I was alone. S came up for a catch up at the end of January and stayed for nearly 2 hours she didn't need to stay that long.

Original poster
CailinDana · 21/03/2012 08:54

Oh I'm so glad you have that support dotty, that's really great.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 08:55

Yes Cailin I am I know their professionals but its just me feeling that people make judgements about me, I have to go back over a damaged shoulder but won't see anyone else now.

Original poster
CailinDana · 21/03/2012 08:56

I can understand that. My depression comes up on my records and I hate it.

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 08:59

I trust this dr more as we also spent many days together years ago as 2 of her girls and both my girls did Irish dancing together and comnpetitions where fairly regular.

PlinkPasta · 21/03/2012 09:02

It is hard to see it written down, I told my psych if anybody saw it they'd think it was a movie.

I spent more years sleeping on chairs and sofas than a bed. I wanted to stop this so went out and got high quality bedding, a load of textured cushion and a teddy bear. Techniques for grounding are using nice textures. Still sleep on the sofa if it's too bad.

Original poster
CailinDana · 21/03/2012 09:08

I am fortunate in a way that much of what happened to me happened in unusual circumstances - on a floor rather than a bed, so sleeping on the floor is more of a trigger than a bed which isn't a problem really, I just can't go camping (no loss!).

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 09:12

Funny PP we where one of those families that they went on about pillars of the community church and school my dad even helped run a kids playscheme but at home behind closed doors was a different story he kept a garden cane in the corner as a threat I tackled my mother about this last summer her reply he never used it HE DIDN'T NEED TO THE THREAT WAS ENOUGH. Everyone still talks about how good a mnan he was my aunts and uncles know but a couple of years ago mum and I stayed with her childhood friend and her husband they where aunt and uncle to us I spoke to them alone and they admitted to not liking him and thinking our lives weren't great at home. The night I left home I was late 9.15 instead of 9 I was a month off 17 and had been working a year he threw me accross the room found out he did the same to one of my sisters.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 21/03/2012 09:24

Totu I am so sorry you had a traumatic birth experience also. It's so hard to try and keep these feelings away from dd, I'd hate for her to be scared of her own shadow and wary of everyone, like me. I want her to have that normal sort of fear but not for it to take over, if that makes any sense at all!
Thankyou for the birthday wishes. She has decided she wants to stay in with her new toys and have a picnic in the garden so a nice relaxing day for us.

antsypants · 21/03/2012 09:40

I can relate totu, my birth was not traumatic in terms of how I was dealt with, but I was not prepared at all for the invasive nature of it, or for the fact that I dissociated altogether from it... I've never admitted that to anyone before... But I don't remember my child being born, I don't remember anything... Her dad sometimes even now says how great I was, no screaming or anything, I don't think he would every understand that it was because I wasn't there.

See, that just increases the resentment, why do I have to keep missing things or experience them in a negative way because someone chose to abuse me? Why am I left to deal with it alone?

My sister talks about finding her father sometimes, my mother left him while pregnant an went into hiding, I think he does it to see her siblings get upset, I was raped by him but my brothers were abused long term mentally and physically, not that they talk about it now... It's another dirty family secret to add to all the others.

antsypants · 21/03/2012 09:41

That should have read She does it to see us get upset...

dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 09:43

I thought I would be overprotective of my girls but I wasn't none of my children where left with babysitters but apart from that the girls where always very independant I was extremely protective of my boy but he has disabilities. Young one I hardly saw fron 3 her bf lived across the path I would watch her go in gate and her mum would watch them come in our door that's as far as it went I honestly don't think they would of let me be overprotective. The one thing I remembered in the last week was that DD1 wasn't allowed down stairs without being dressed as until she was nearly 4 I was still in contact with him and he visited regularly with his wife and sons. Was only when I had a huge row on the phone with my dad on the phone when pregnant with DD2 that I cut contact he told me it obviously hadn't affected me as I had kids I sat down and wrote HIM a letter telling him to stay the hell away wish I'd kept a copy now.

Guineapigfriend · 21/03/2012 10:00

DH got back from the group last night and just sobbed and sobbed. He said its never going to get better and he will never be like everyone else :(
He's still asleep - I'm going to make him breakfast in bed now :)

dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 10:19

Just be there for him he will get there I spents weeks in a daze alternating from crying,sleeping,being full of energy and having to get out of the house. Hugs for you both xx

ToxicToria · 21/03/2012 11:29

I have just had an awful flashback I am at work I can't stop crying I feel like I can't breath

antsypants · 21/03/2012 11:33

Are you able to take. Break toria? Maybe go for a short walk to clear your head?

I know how horrible it is when you have a flashback, but try to keep tethered, remember that you are in the present now and no-one can harm you.

What was the trigger for this? Maybe trying to reduce the occurrences of this at work might help you shift focus...

ToxicToria · 21/03/2012 11:42

I am in the toilets, I don't want anyone to see me. I don't know what set it off it just happened usually I am ok when i am busy

TOTU · 21/03/2012 11:51

Guinea Thinking in terms of getting better is like a target. What happened, happened. He can't un-do it. It's incredibly hard. I'm glad you are so supportive. I hinted to my (abusive) ex-h what had happened to me and he chose to ignore it.

Dotty I am a little over-protective as my sons have disabilities and I have to work extra hard to teach them what is/is not appropriate.

antsy sorry to hear about your story. The feeling of disassoctian is something I have definitely experienced. Plus the 'dirty family secret'. As I was the only one abused (apparently) I still get that "why me?" feeling.

Then my stepfather, who was a lovely man and brought me up for more years than my biological father used to ask me for "proper" kisses. So even after my brother had left, I was still being abused, but not to the same extent. I see myself as a target sometimes: sexually abused by brother; beaten by my father; a little over-affection from my step-father

Dontknow I think you're doing the right thing. Being aware of your feelings but not transferring them. I'm glad you are looking forward to having a nice day.

TOTU · 21/03/2012 11:53

Toxic I hope you are ok. I don't know how to help. I'm sorry.

I have visitors now but will be back later. Breathe deep, identify the triggers if you possibly can.

TOTU · 21/03/2012 11:58

one last thing guinea. I've re-read my post to you and it sounds harsh. That wasn't what I meant. You are being supportive and I hope one day your husband is able to move on and heal a little. It takes a long time for most of us.

dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 12:07

I don't think you sounded harsh TOTU but that's my opinion difference is she sounds really supportive your ex wasn't xx

ToxicToria · 21/03/2012 12:09

Thanks antsy and totu I don't know what happened I just lost it sorry

wavetheflag · 21/03/2012 12:12

Namechanged. I confess I haven't read all the thread.

I was abused by my brother. He was/is 6 years older than me. I don't know how old I was - less than 10 because we moved house then. My flashbacks are in the old house. I think I was probably 9, so he was only 15. I have excused him all these years by telling myself he was still a child himself. No-one knew. I have blocked it out so well that all I have are a few pictures in my mind. I remember the children's bible on his bookshelf and I remember certain events - one on the landing and one in the bathroom.

My parents found out when I was about 23 (I am nearly 40 now). I took all my sleeping tablets in one go. I don't know why - had a very stressful year dealing with a schoolfriend who kept attempting suicide. I told my mother. She said nothing and life now bumbles along as usual. My brother has never married, doesn't have a partner. My parents see a lot of him. I don't know if they didn't believe me or chose to forget it.

When I was in my young teens, my dad & I were watching tv and something was on about sexual abuse and childline. I got up and left the room. My dad followed and asked me if anything had ever happened to me - I said no and asked why he asked that, he said he didn't know - it was just a feeling.

dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 12:16

Triggers are awful Toria mine are never about the abuse but about my childhood for example toys he gave me as presents The Muppet Movie has come at such a bad time for me as before christmas I realised how I knew how old I was when it was happening he gave me a Kermit soft toy puppet just after I'd turned 5 I can't have the advert on I don't get upset because of these things but go into panic mode been told my way of coping is quite bad as its to go for a drive need to find something safer. Also the first house I remember living in had images of the stairs and immediately saw the whole house and realized it was like my sisters but other way around yet when doing my interview I could not remember any of this. Doing it has triggered memories that have been buried for 30+ years.

Guineapigfriend · 21/03/2012 12:17

TOTU I didn't think u sounded harsh at all! Thankyou for your insight
TT don't apologise, use this thread to express what u feel. There is a great deal of support for u here.