Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Wavetheflag my mother told me she asked him and he denied it he has admitted to the police that this happened she told my sister 2 weeks ago that none of us ever told her funny because if it goes to trial she could well be called as a witness L the DC in charge has told me this. So even if they asked him he would of denied it they all do L has told me the only person who has ever admitted to the abuse in all the years she's been doing this job was a man with MH problems.

I've never posted before. My mother didn't have a loving mother bone in her body. My sister and I had to service my dad whenever he wanted and whatever he wanted from 14 year old. I have no contact with my parents and never will. They might be dead and I really don't care, they ruined years of my life and only in last 3 years have I started to feel clean and more normal. My husband has no idea why I have no contact or photos except of my sister who lives quite close.

Thank you all for sharing your stories.

I am shocked that this all goes on.

You have also all educated me in how to further protect my own dd's through giving them attention, affection and by being open enough for them to feel comfortable to talk to me about anything.

My eldest is 4 and the thought if anything happening to her as it has to some if you is just awful. I couldn't bear it.

Thanks for posting 1980. It's a very good thing that your parents are out of your life.

Butterfly your dds are very lucky. I'm sure they'll have a great life with you as their mum.

I am glad you have no contact with your parents 1980, they sound like vile people.

I thought I was over the worst feelings, wrapped up in motherhood an the enjoyment of it pushed it all away for a while, but like others I am struggling with the thought and fear of my daughter getting older and her circle becoming wider, will I be able to protect her?

I am hoping to be the same as you butterfly, just let her know that no matter what I will always believe her, no matter what there is nothing she has to fear or be ashamed of from me, and her dad of course.

I struggle with the knowledge that I missed out on that, I hate my mother for not protecting me at the same time as acknowledging she could not protect herself, she is an eternal child with no accountability, and I resent it at the same time as accepting it will never change.

My abuser was not one of those people who have the cloak of normality, he was a lifelong criminal and a thug, why would a woman choose to be with that, especially a woman with children? Why would your instinct not be to protect your children from that?

I will never understand and I now think I will never really recover what has been taken

1980 - thanks for posting. I wish I had more words... I'm not good at advice.

I keep waffling on. Sorry.

I am happy that my abuser is out of my life and I will never have to see him again.

One daft thing I need to mention is bunk-beds! I cannot have them in my house because most of my abuse took place on the bottom bunk. If my brother heard anyone coming up the stairs, he would make me hide under the bed.

My twins share a fairly small room but I unconciously (?) bought them each a single bed and one which you can't hide under (they are 'car' beds and designed to be close to the floor). It's little stuff like that which makes me . They love their beds though and are happy little boys which makes me .

Phoned my aunt and uncle tonight been wanting to for ages they where instrumental in me starting to sort my life out had a good chat with them both their both really pleased I've done it as they saw what it was doing to me was rather an emotional conversation we had. He's not happy with my mum thinks she's disgusting he's her brother. Said to phone anytime to talk to them.

Dotty I'm so glad you have that support. Good on your aunt and uncle for standing by you.

My feelings towards my mother are just as complicated as yours antsy.

My sister phoned as well cailin told her about how our uncle said he and my aunt had seen the effect it had she mentioned a conversation she had with my dads SIL last july after our uncle died so before I'd done this and she came straight out with it tell me girl why don't any of you speak to your R I'm not stupid he messed about with you girls didn't he. I've only ever saw her twice in my life once as a child and when dad was ill before he died, but my sisters saw more of them. Just thought it incredible.

It makes me so sad that this thread is so busy- I know we would all move heaven and earth to keep our dcs safe.
Might I just ask, how many of you have disclosed the abuse to your gp to seek help? Was it worthwhile?
Wishing you all a peaceful evening x

Thanks for listening and believing everybody. I've been terrified of strangers finding out but it's been better than I expected.

I've realised a lot and hopefully can take that into rl.

I am me, my past is a part of that but it doesn't define the whole me.

Finding support has been crucial for me, wether family, friends, professionals, strangers or online. It can take time but people do care and do help. Well the good ones.

Notsuch I spoke my GP in the last place I lived and she was very sympathetic. She offered to put me down for counselling. When I hadn't heard anything 6 months later I asked her again. She said she'd get on it. Long story short I lived in the area for two years and I never heard a word about counselling. So, for me, telling the GP was a bit pointless. I would consider going to the GP here and perhaps being a bit more forceful about it but for the time being I don't want to do that. I've learned over the years that if you have personal issues or mental health problems you're pretty much expected to suffer in silence or rely on overstretched charities for help. Your problems are not considered worthy of the NHS.

Plink, I think the idea "I am me, my past is a part of that but it doesn't define the whole me" is an incredibly important one to hang on to.

Hi notsuch

I disclosed to my GP what had happened, I will be frank and say that at that point I had not choice, it was either start talking or not live, but I made the right decision.

It was the best thing I could have done.

I started counselling, my GP didn't need to believe me, I was mentally ill, but he did which gave me the confidence to invest myself in getting better.

The counselling has helped me talk about this, like this, open and matter of fact, it has taught me that I can't change what happened in the past but I can try to understand what it means for my future.

I'm not better, I don't know that in my case that will ever happen, but I am happier than I ever remember being, I'm committed to living and bringing up my child.

calina

The support is just not there across the board, I had great support where I am but I know that is a rarity...

Protecting children and the adults they become is not important to anyone but those who have cause to understand the importance

The gp I had most help from is a young doctor and a mum so I do that she is actually seeing the problem.

It took many gp's to find her, I just didn't give up. Having gp's who aren't willing to listen isn't good though. The MH problems of abuse victims are a "natural response to an UN natural situation" as a couple of other doctors told me.

NHS councelling waiting lists are very long, I do think something needs to be changed there, I don't have drink/drug/promiscuity problems so psych was a long wait.

Does anyone else find that the more you talk about those life defining events that happened to you, you start seeing the path and the events that stemmed from it?

I've just tea a post about a young girl who is in a sexually abusive relationship with an older man, and it resounded so loudly with me about an experience I had at 14 with someone older.

I've been so focused on those original events that I did not even consider a 34 year old man in a relationship with a 14 year old an abuser.

Are my morals that compromised that it seemed normal? How am I meant to protect my child when I allowed that to happen after being abused?

The more I look the more I find and I'm not sure if I want to look at the real me in all of this, I was always comfortable in the role of abused child, I had no choice, I knew that, but this, I had a choice at 14 to say no, to walk away, no-one forced me to be there

Yes Plink, I very much felt that because my life was functioning ok that I wasn't a priority. In mental health the attitude is pretty much that unless you're on death's door you're not going to get help.

My gp has known the basic story for many years but last year I went to her a bit of a mess 2 days after my interview for sleeping pills told her the full story she was visably shaken 10 minute appointment was 30 minutes I asked her about what was in my notes from a 12 year old and told her the op I had she promised to check also implored me to phone the DC back for her to put me in touch with crisis cente she actually has her card on her wall. Went back a month later even worse mess put me on AD's never gave me a choice I was heading for a breakdown she has since told me she offered to copy consultant letters for the case and referred me for urgent counselling after I told her I had nearly ran my car into a lorry intentionally. I was refused the counselling but she went and got me information on private counselling. Showed police the letters and they requested copies I signed the permission forms but she actually sent all records of my gynae history as she believes he caused it all. The first day I saw her she told me if I just wanted to offload to go see her just to talk she has been amazing see her every 4 weeks and she always asks how the case is progressing as well.

Oh ansty. You were 14, still so young. He was 34, he knew exactly what he was doing. Even grown adults find it very hard to recognise that they're in an abusive relationship, we see it on MN all the time, how would a 14 year old see it? Where were your parents when this was happening?

Antsy yes at 16 I entered a 'relationship' with a 44 year old man at the time I thought it was normal I never had any money as I paid for so much he regularly raped me but to me it wasn't as my mind so screwed up the first night we had sex he pinned me down I was fighting him that's when I remembered and realised what had happened to me. BUT I went back for more and moved in with him why the fuck did I do that I know now that it was not normal as we started off as friends and he gained my confidence but he was just as bad he used to leave me in the flat and go drinking when I was in alot of pain met my now DH soon afterwards we where already good friends first morning after being with him he had me at the drs and I was admitted to hospital with a serious illness if it had carried on much longer I wouldn't of had children gp says that was down to the abuse as a child.

When I was 12 we had a French student staying our house. He was about 15 so not that much older than me. He immediately took an interest in me. We kissed and he used to pull me down on the bed to lay on top of him for long stretches at a time. My mother knew all this was going on. I didn't really want it to happen but I didn't know how to say no. I wished and hoped for my mum to go apeshit and put a stop to it, but she never said a word. What a fucking cunt she was, to see her 12 year old daughter clearly getting into quite sexual relationship with someone she had brought into the house and to never do anything about it, not even to talk to me about it to make sure I was ok. I don't blame myself for getting into that situation, I was still a child really and I had no idea how to deal with it. I blame her.

I was brought up by my grandmother who did a sterling job moulding my mother into the passive, manipulative creature she is, she spent almost all of her time trying to break me, I wasn't my mother, I fought it and ended up just not caring, so if I said I was going somewhere it was taken as I was telling the truth and if not then it was my job to deal with the consequences. So I never really had any protection when I was young.

I went back for more also dolly, I felt safe with him, perhaps because he was more subtle, and I know essentially it was just one more abuser, but somehow I hold myself more responsible because I had this happen to me when I was a child, I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I know it is absolving the wrong person of the blame, but I can't help blame myself for this.

I was addressing that to dotty, not dolly, apologises

Calina, I can't believe that she did that and cared so little, would anyone 'normal' think that behaviour appropriate?

I wonder what broke these women and how it has made us stronger, your experiences are testament to what a strong and managing person you are

L the DC has said she reckons my mother knew I remember asking what sanitary towels where and being told I told my mother I bled I was about 8/9 she said not to worry as that was just cuts where the hell did she think these cuts came from. I have looked things up from the letters my gp gave me and now realise it was sign of internal damage I'm so angry that the surgeon who did my op didn't do something he must have known something was very wrong