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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

999 replies

CailinDana · 19/03/2012 12:51

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

OP posts:

dottyspotty2 · 20/03/2012 21:58

' It was me who said bout the thyroxin I didnt say freak. But failure it was my dr who said I wouldn't of felt that way after I told her I felt a failure for being on AD's

Original poster

CailinDana · 20/03/2012 21:59

A few people have said to me that I should report what happened to me, but I never will. I know some people might judge me for that or think me cowardly but I just can't face it.

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antsypants · 20/03/2012 21:59

OLS, you need to see your GP, you deserve to take care of yourself, when my life imploded 4 years back I almost succeeded at ending my life, I had not opened up to anyone about what had happened, I struggled with the mh issues that are associated with the trauma we have suffered, and I thought that was my normality, I had convinced myself that I was worthless and pointless and did not deserve any good feelings in my life, I was at rock bottom, there was nowhere to run to because as far as I was concerned I was the problem.

After this i had counselling and therapy, and it helped, as did the medication, it started me on reconciling my past with my present, it does ease the strain a little, now when I think back i still know I feel the way i do and why, but i can encompass it instead of letting it take over.

antsypants · 20/03/2012 22:03

Calina, I met someone who was very angry in therapy, someone who directed that anger at me because I did not report what had happened to me, and because I never would, but I learnt that it is not a responsibility we should have to take on, just facing it, dealing with it, and understanding it is enough, it is great when someone feels empowered enough to report this and carry it through, it's amazing, that strength is awesome.

But it does my diminish those of us who are not at that point or may never been.

Original poster

CailinDana · 20/03/2012 22:06

Thank you antsy.

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Guineapigfriend · 20/03/2012 22:06

Cailin, I cant think that people would judge you or think that you are cowardly at all. I realise that it is my need to see 'justice', if it doesnt help the healing, and it just causes more pain. Then I have to accept they will remain free.

Tb, the book that you mentioned sounds very interesting - DH says that he has forgiven his abusers - he did this on his own a few years ago as he was finding the hate self distructing. His therapist is trying to break this down and feel anger towards the abusers. DH is unable to do this. I think that he is scared of what the anger might make him do (when he was younger he reacted with violent outbursts at school)

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 20/03/2012 22:14

Really struggling tonight. It's dd's birthday tomorrow and it really hits home how much this has affected my life. I was told by the consultant that there was no way I could deal with a vaginal birth and to opt for an elective section. I did, probably for the best, but it's just another failure. The older she gets, the more I panic. Starting nursery, school, playdates, sleepovers, the thought terrifies me. It's so ridiculous that I'm feeling like this when I should be celebrating my daughters birthday, not crying as I sort out the presents.
Sorry for wittering on.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 20/03/2012 22:14

notsuchayummymummy · 20/03/2012 22:17

Cd- there isn't anyone that I can take with me as only my husband knows. He is sadly too busy with work and frankly no better at talking than me. I guess I just need to grow a pair. Re you being judged for not waiting to report it- I totally understand this- I am the same - albeit that it was reported when I was a teenager - but I was basically told to lie and sadly did. Frankly I would have likely been better off in care but was so afraid.
I need to do something- I know I do
Thanks for everyone's posts/sharing

Original poster

CailinDana · 20/03/2012 22:20

I'm heading off to bed now. I'm so glad that some people have found support and comfort in this thread. Please keep posting.

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pickledsiblings · 20/03/2012 22:21

Let Mother Nature set you free, you have every right to the trees, the sunset and the moonlight. Each new day is pure and beautiful and you are too, each day new.

Anon

(HTH)

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 22:21

DontKnow, that is not wittering, it is completely understandable. I am as certain as I can be that you are wonderful mummy x

tb · 20/03/2012 22:21

Guinea over 10 years ago, our vicar wrote a piece in the local paper about forgiveness. He said that forgiveness to be given, the wrongdoer had to show remorse and to express it to the wronged person. He said that, in his opinion, to forgive someone without them 'atoning' for the wrong was heaping even more harm on to the victim.

The book is interesting, unfortunately, it's only available in French at the moment, and doesn't appear to have been translated into English.

Dotty Sorry, I didn't think that you'd implied that anyone on thyroxin was a freak. It's just how I feel about myself, I suppose it's a facet of feeling generally undeserving.

Btw, forgot to add, as a 10 and 11 year old I was indecently assaulted by a girl 5 years older than me - someone else from church. Weird, if you wrote it in a book, you wouldn't be believed.

Another interesting book, and a humbling book, is 'Strong at the Broken Places', can't remember the author. There was one person who had developed multiple personalities all with different names to deal with her abuse. She had passed exams in some of the names, but was unable to amalgamate them all to get a job that would use them because of this.

Not sure if it was in the same book (have read loads) but there was a young woman who scrubbed herself with a metal-bristled scrubbing brush, either/both to let the pain out/to try and cleanse herself. It really saddened me.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2012 22:21

Sleep well, Cailin, you deserve it x

Original poster

CailinDana · 20/03/2012 22:22

Thanks AF x

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Original poster

CailinDana · 21/03/2012 06:52

Oops I hope I didn't stall the thread last night.

Morning all, hope everyone is doing ok today.

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dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 07:21

Morning hope you had a good night x

antsypants · 21/03/2012 07:40

Morning calina, hope you got some rest.

notsuchayummymummy · 21/03/2012 07:53

Morning, I hope everyone had a good nights sleep. I had a better night last night. It took me years to realise that problems getting to sleep were the haunting memory of dad creeping into my room virtually every night last spring / summer is was somehow existing on 4 hrs per night- not fun

Original poster

CailinDana · 21/03/2012 08:09

I'm very lucky in that I've never really had trouble sleeping. The only thing that interrupts my sleep is my early-riser toddler, which is fine by me :)

How is everyone feeling?

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TOTU · 21/03/2012 08:26

Morning Cailin and everyone else.

DontKnow I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you went through. You have not failed. I can identify with so much of what you have said. I've posted previously about the suspicion (sic?) my abuse has left me with. I trust no-one, not even my daughters siblings but I work hard to keep myself grounded but aware and not pass on my feelings to her. (That doesn't make a lot of sense, but I hope you know what I mean). I do allow sleepovers, etc but it's like there is a klaxon going on in my head til I get her back in my care.

Also, the birth experience. For totally different reasons, I have dreaded my twin sons birthday. (C-Section, followed by emergency hysterectomy due to internal bleeding). I still find myself getting depressed about it but it has got better over the years. I hope it does for you too.

I hope your daughter has a good day and I send you all the best wishes in the world.

PlinkPasta · 21/03/2012 08:33

Morning all, thankyou Cailin.

I'm feeling a bit less panicky today, I suffered physical abuse from a sibling I quite often had to share a bed with and have suffered insomnia before but ok atm.

I think my sexual abuse wasn't as bad as I was older, in some ways it is just the tip of the ice berg of the abuse.

Dotty, sorry I missed your post, I don't know what to say, I'm listening though.

Original poster

CailinDana · 21/03/2012 08:42

Don't feel you have to say anything Plink. Just be aware that no one on this thread is going to say "That's not so bad!" or think you're complaining about nothing. Don't feel either that you have to restrict yourself to talking exclusively about sexual abuse, anything is up for discussion if you want to talk about it.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today :)

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dottyspotty2 · 21/03/2012 08:44

My sleep is improving now I do take meds unfortunatly for it only put the pieces in place since doing this at one time I actually shared a double bed with him when he was on leave talk about making it easier for him parents denied this in family therapy, I can sleep on top of the covers just not under them (weird) for over 20 years I have regularly slept in the chair downstairs until DH comes home and kicks me off to bed often between 4-6 am last few months I've spent many nights on settee on advice of dr she says anywhere I can sleep just do it. Only woke once last night think I slept well because I spent a few hours shifting hardcore out of the garden yesterday, still more to do. Been back and forward to drs over my sleep for years was always put down to stresses of having a disabled child, this dr I'm seeing now knew my history other ones didn't now wary of seeing anyone else as this is prominant in my notes which is comnputerised and comes up on screen.

Original poster

CailinDana · 21/03/2012 08:46

Why are you wary dotty? Are you worried about it coming up on the screen?

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