Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

[CailinDana]

I was severely sexually abused as a child. I have spent the last few years trying to come to terms with it and I'm slowly getting there.

I have found that a huge barrier to dealing with it is the lack of space to talk about it, how I feel and what I think. It's like this horrible painful scar that I have to keep covered for fear of offending other people. It has been a massive source of shame.

I don't really feel like keeping it covered any more. Yes I was abused, in a horrible, horrific way, but I'm still a good person and I'm still capable of being happy.

I'm hoping this thread will be a place for people to open up about things that happened to them. A fantastic, caring poster on MN spent hours yesterday "listening" to me and it has helped me immensely. I would like to do that for other people.

Nothing is taboo. Say as much or as little as you like. Say what you think and feel even if you think it sounds batty. I will bump this thread regularly so even if you're not ready to post now, it will be here for you at a later stage.

Sorry, on my phone.

Please try and go to the gp, I tried a few before I found one I was comfortable with but she has helped so much, even nagging psych for me.

It is easier to get through the really bad moments with support. Quite a few of my black moments are severe flashbacks so there is help for it.

Do you have grounding techniques? I'm not good at explaining but theres loads on google.

OLS, please hold on, you can get through this.

What do you dread OLS?

Thankyou for supporting me, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Callin, it is interesting that you mentioned feeling that I need to be a councillor. In fact my husband has realised this and he has decided that he needs to find another way to talk about his experiences, he has actually gone to a support group this evening for the first time. It is a huge step and I'm very proud of him. I would have never imagined that he would do something like this as its totally out of character.
The big issue at the moment is his regret that he didn't tell anyone. He says that he has made bad decisions and he feels guilty that 'he has inflicted this on me.' nothing I or his therapist can say makes him change his mind. He was terrified, the main abuser used threats of violence, threatened that his mother would be humiliated, told him he was born bad. It makes me furious and sick that someone entrusted with his care could be so sadistic.
He prob wasn't the only one and he is prob still out there somewhere. That makes me feel so powerless.

Guinea, I don't think you are completely powerless

Just being there for him, listening if he wants to talk, is worth a lot....hasn't everybody on this thread said that's what helps the most ? Don't be tempted into thinking there is something you can do to "fix" this for him, there isn't. xx

Guineapig, I really feel for you having to watch a loved one go through that. I had the same feelings as your husband - that I had inflicted terrible pain on my DH and that I had deliberately hurt him by telling him about the abuse. It's for that reason that I can't tell my DH about the abuse in any detail - I just can't inflict it on him, I feel it would be like I was attacking him.

It really is great that your DH is going to a support group. That is a massive step forward and over time it will really help him. Be aware that his progress might be very uneven. He might get to a point where he seems fine and you might think the worst is over, and it might be, or it might be the case that he has another hard patch later on. In the last 10 years or so, since I started dealing with all this, I've had very long periods where I've hardly thought about it at all, interspersed with patches of about 5-6 months where it is on my mind all the time and I suffer.

Hopefully over time his guilt will fade. Talking to other survivors in the support group will definitely help with that - hearing how other people did, thought and felt the same things as you validates everything and helps you to understand why you did what you did.

af thank you for your reply. I agree that going back to the gp would be an idea. I tried last August, wrote a note , but then avoided her at all costs because I went mute. I just can't get words out. She is a good gp - she did as much as I would allow her to try and help me in last pg. I think things are soooo bad at the moment because family events such as mothers day are a huge trigger to me. In fact all supposed happy occasions are revolting to me.

I am so sorry, notsuch. Could you write your gp a letter or print this thread out and show her ? Nobody should have to suffer like this x

Pp- thanks for your reply- there is a support service locally- but you have to fill in an application which seems so wrong to me. Not only would it mean breaking the silence in writing but I would feel as though I have to prove myself. I have already done the 35 mins in the gps room sobbing - theoretically the hardest bit is done- only no one has a magic wand do they?

Oops forgot the name change on phone- oh well- what the hell

GPF, Thats one of the hardest things, I haven't told details to those close to me because it hurts them and I don't want them to be hurt.

I don't know what to say to you but want to support you, is there support groups for loved ones of survivors?

I'm trying to raise my confidence to go to a support group but due to the abuse I jump a mile high if anybody touches me so social situations are a bit difficult.

Cd I dread everything- the situation is so consuming at the moment that I constantly feel anxious- short of breath, crushing chest pain, dry mouth

the nc went completely over my head, not to worry x

I do think in the long run getting your parents out of your life will be a big step forward Notsuch, but I can understand if that seems impossible at the moment. I would even recommend moving away from them, as the physical distance can help psychologically.

You have taken a very positive step by posting here. Keep posting if it helps you. In the long run it would be good to go back to the GP and tell her at least about the anxiety as she may be able to prescribe some meds to get that under control.

If only I could make myself speak the truth to the gp in terms of how I feel- even for just 10 minutes it would be such a beneficial thing to do - but the muteness is overwhelming

Cd thanks for your understanding x

it must be soooo hard to find the words, not such

NSYM, it's not the hardest part, I am sat here in tears for everyone, on two different types of psych meds, with ptsd and dissociation and clue how I'm going to get through the next few days.

A year ago I was trying to get through the next few hours, it's not much but it's a bit.

It so crap. Your post resonated with me sorry if I offended.

No magic wand but finding support helps.

No contact with family abusers is hard but worth it.

I get that muteness too Notsuch.

Could you get someone to come to the GP with you? When I was really bad my DH had to come and talk to the GP for me. I couldn't say a word, I just cried and vomited into the sink. GP didn't bat an eyelid, just listened to what DH said, sympathised with me and prescribed meds. It was a big first step to me getting out of the deep dark hole of depression.

PP finding out about the dissasociation along with everything else for me was awful 6 months ago I was a mess and I'm prepared to have bad days and also prepared to fall apart again if it goes to trial. But what if I can't do it and screw it up for them it will have been for nothing all their time and resources wasted.

I can understand your fear dotty. I would find going through that process massively daunting. Do you have much support?

The psychotherapist I'm seeing at the moment recommended a book to me. It's called 'The good use of hate and pardon' by Gabrielle Rubin, a French psychotherapist. The introduction has something in it, that I found really liberating. It talks about the guilty getting away with it, and their innocent victims bearing the burden of guilt and hating themselves.

She says that it is acceptable to hate the perpetrators - as long as the hate isn't transferred into action, and that the victims should pardon themselves, not that there was any need for them to blame themselves. She also says that the only reason to pardon the abusers is if they have admitted their wrongdoing, and realised the harm that they have done.

I finally went to the police about the abuse I suffered in 2009. Sadly, for my 'd'm who procurred me to be abused by her friends was too old to be interviewed, and died earlier this year at the age of 96. I hope that she is now receiving the justice she deserves.

I was abused by her with her brother before I could talk, and later when I was 8 she left me in the care of her penfriend's husband who indecently assaulted me. I couldn't run out and go home, as we were on holiday and staying with them in Arizona.

Every Saturday from when I was 9 to 11 she sent me to a friend who ran a sweet shop opposite Prenton Park and he assaulted me every time, too.

When I was 12 she let the American come and stay in our house with his wife and son, despite knowing that he had assaulted me. She was abused, probably by her brother, and she took her little sister to be abused, too.

Sadly, she was so damaged by her abuse, that she became an abuser, too.

When I was 13, I started going out with someone of 24, who also abused me sexually, but staying with him was the only chance of security I felt I had.

By the way, to the poster who felt that taking thyroxin wouldn't make them feel like a freak, I take it, had to wait 12 years to have it prescribed, and feel a freak for having to take it every day for the rest of my life.

I've never acheived anything, and it hurts, because with a different mother, and a different childhood, I could have done.

According to recent figures, 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused as children, I can't remember, but for boys the figure is either 1 in 5 or 1 in 7.

Sorry for the mammoth post, it's just nice not to feel alone.

Thank you for posting tb.

When I mentioned powerless, I meant I know that it is not for me to do anything like contact the police, or to contact the school where it happened. It would be a dreadful betrayal to my husband if I did. But I want to! DH does not want to report it to the police, he has said it wont bring about happiness. I have to respect and accept his decision.
Tb, thank you for sharing your story.

tb, there are no words to say how sorry I am x