Anyone there to help? I feel I'm drowning

[mosp]

I don't know how much I'm allowed to say about this, but if I don't express my emotions I will explode.
I recently made a new friend. Long distance. He is doomed. The friendship is doomed. I can't cope. I didn't anticipate feeling so close. :(

I am looking after them. They don't know how strongly I feel about this inmate. They are ok.

You don't want them to kill him? Eh? What the Actual feck has it got to do with you? Like, big fat nothing.

Put peas into a care home and go and chain yourself to the gates of his prison then.

And I had been functioning in recent weeks. Life is not all doom and gloom for them. They are really ok.

You can do things for him: set up a FB page, open a website, send his letters to Obama, werite to every newspaper in the land and the states, demand a meeting with his state local governor, get in touch with amnesty, loads.

Do it. If you feel that strongly.

mosp, I believe your dc are perfectly ok

So do I. But you don't want to be living this half life when they get older.

absolutely

Really? You also believe they are ok? So, why should I put them in care?

I am good at pretending and blocking, with a little help from thesertraline. My life is how it is. My mind is irreversibly damaged.

mosp, UA was getting you to think about your priorities

you are not obtuse, my lovely

your priorities ought to be (you will disagree, but I am right)

#1 yourself

#2 your dc

#3 any extended family worth your time (this is very subjective)

#4 your friends that wish you well (again, this is very subjective)

#5 needy subjects close to home (MN ???)

#6 needy subjects not close to home

it's a good philosophy of life, mosp

I gave a set-up scenario for them being in care if you continue to pursue this penpal relationship with the really nice bloke who has great handwriting but who is unfortunately, despite being the reincarnation of St Francis of Assisi, on DEATH ROW.

Your mind isn't irreversibly damaged either. Or if it is, I do hope you are putting that fact into your letters to terrywotsit. He has a right to know.

Come ON. Your peas will grow up quickly and they need a good happy mum. You simply have to get some help here. You are writing very worrying stuff.

What is worrying about what I wrote?

what doseage of sertraline are you on Mosp?

mosp, all of it

or else why are we here ?

Why are you insulting him?

150mg

Ok. Just checked. see that the maximum daily dose is 200mg.

I am not insulting 'him'. I need a name to do that properly.

On the leaflet, the dosages differ according to why you're taking them. For depression the max dose is 200 but for OCD or for PTSD it seems to be less. No idea why.

Just checking you're within daily dosage limit. which you are. i have to go to sleep with ds now but please look after yourself. x

Personally I am going to take Any Fuckers list of priorities, print them out and pin them up somewhere very prominent so I never forget the order these things go in ever again.

frida, get 'em laminated, mate

Hi mosp, I've read your thread and it is worrying.

I had an unsuitable friend once (someone who hurt me, not a convicted murderer mind you) and I was talking to someone about it and they asked what it was she gave me that I wasn't getting elsewhere. The answer was fun, excitement, warmth - a whole lot of things I'd been missing out on at that time. Maybe that's a question you could ask yourself about this man - what feelings does being in contact with him give you, what needs does he fill?

The other thing you said was that you want to be accepted by a man. Can you say why that is and why it's important to you?

What is so worrying?? Really? I am deeply concerned and upset for a friend whose letters I thoroughly enjoy. I should have thought that is understandable. What need does he fill? I suppose I just like having a male friend, as all my close friends in rl are female. I like that I matter to a man in a good and safe way. My only experience of men in my life has been negative. Oh, it is too much to describe. Can I just say that I feel safe and comfortable with this man. I hate it that they are going to murder him.

I think I started this thread because I had/have so many racing thoughts going on about this new friendship. I fear that he may be another abuser and how would I know? I just want to take him at face value. And I fear losing him. I just wanted to get some comfort and chat about how to deal with the fact that I only know the written version of this man.

He only knows the written me as well, of course. I think I come across different on paper.

Not sure what else there is to explain, really.

mosp, your threads are a contradiction.

THIS is why it's worrying!

I am deeply concerned and upset for a friend.

He's not a friend, he is a convicted murderer that you are writing to on a scheme.

I like having male friends
OK, but you are also saying that you need to be accepted by a man... and between the lines we know that this is not on a platonic/mates level. Accepted by a man implies involvement. You also say I like that I matter to a man in a good and safe way which again implies emotional involvement. BUT to a man that is unattainable, is a convicted killer and will die for his crimes.

I think I started this thread because I had/have so many racing thoughts going on about this new friendship
You are suffering with this relationship, it's harming and stressing you.

I fear that he may be another abuser and how would I know?
Exactly! you can't know this. Your instinct seems to know that this is not right as it's screaming at the top of it's lungs for you to stop this. You however are ignoring it.

I just want to take him at face value. And I fear losing him. You can't take him at face value, because you will never look him in the eyes. You can't lose him, because you can never have him. He will however lose his life at some given point in the future. YOU ARE NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO ACCOMPANY HIM ON THIS JOURNEY.

I just wanted to get some comfort and chat about how to deal with the fact that I only know the written version of this man. That's not at all what you were asking of us at the outset of this thread. You said you are drowning, that you can't cope, can't talk about it and don't know what to do.

You won't get comfort from any of us wrt what you are doing with this man. WHY? because we see the harm it's doing to you. If you were OK with it, we'd all be happy, but you are not and neither are we.

Talk to the HW coordinator and tell them what is going on. They will support you backing off a llittle, for a while if need be, and we too will be here to support you through this.

There is NO other option mosp, this thing is consuming you and you are not supported/strong enough to do this right now.

You need to stop. for a while. Let HW manage that withdrawl.

I do feel I'm drowning in my own emotions. So, I wanted comfort/support. I don't think it is fair to suspect him of being an abuser. There is no evidence. I am just wary, personally.

It has to be platonic and safe. He is there and I am here. Yes, I do want to be truly special to him but not exclusive. It is hard to explain.

If I come across as contradictory, it is because my mind keeps leaping about trying to process and work what what on earth these feelings are that are swamping me.

I wish I could show you one of his letters. You would see that he has not overstepped a single boundary. He's not coming on too fast. He's fun and thoughtful. I admit -I like him.