Anyone there to help? I feel I'm drowning

[mosp]

I don't know how much I'm allowed to say about this, but if I don't express my emotions I will explode.
I recently made a new friend. Long distance. He is doomed. The friendship is doomed. I can't cope. I didn't anticipate feeling so close. :(

Thank you cheese. Have you felt this way too? Will it pass in time?

Just write to him less often.

Why not try volunteering with a charity near where you live/work? Lots of decent people around who are not so complicated.

Why does everyone think that he must be writing to loads of women and why on earth would it matter? Everyone seems to be reading something entirely differently into this

Anyway, just wanted to say OP that the last guy I wrote to is no longer on DR as he had his appeal allowed, though I think he's still in prison for life - so not necessarily doomed.

I haven't I'm afraid mosp - I had a very different issue, with the first guy I wrote to very much overstepping the boundaries. The second one was friendly but it just fizzled out when he got moved off DR and had other things to do than sit in a cell for 23 hours a day :)

But I know from reading the HW newsletter and speaking to someone else I know who also has DR penpals and knows other people who do that very powerful friendships aren't that uncommon. You do need to protect yourself though, make sure you have a support network in place if you need it.

HW did try to warn me about the potential difficulties. I think it just never occurred to me that the 'obsession' would come from my side:(

Dita - in response to your post dont you think that a vulnerable person in this country such as the op should not be involved with someone whohas mental/learning/abusive past behaviour? I realise that these people ar eon death row for many years but surely it is up to there family and friends to support them and not complete utter strangers from other countries.
I know that if i was convicted of something that warranted a deathsentence (not likely in UK) I would not wish do drag people into my life and am sure that guilty or not my family would be there.

There is more I would like to say on this subject but i wont

It was very good of you to find the compassion for someone who most people would turn their back on.
If you want to continue to correspond with him, then you will have to find a way of muting your feelings because otherwise you will find yourself living in anguish and that will not do you any good at all.
In fact, OP, I think you are already there, I think you have to learn not to take his pain on, that this is going to damage you to continue unless you can find a way to distance yourself emotionally.
Have you previously got involved with people who are unobtainable?

Are you a name changer mrs b? Do you know me from other threads in the past?

Friday- no, nothing like this has happened to me before.

If I (over) analyse, I could be projecting my desire to forgive as the person who wronged me 15 years ago is impossible to find.

not a name changer op just v observant :)
Please do not get further involvd in this I am absoluely sure that there are better things in life for you to worry about xx

I meant frida not Friday. Auto-correct

But have you been on other threads of mine? You seem to know me, that's all

writing to lots of men, then! But still it wouldn't be a real friendship.

So no pattern but it might be worth going and see if you've managed to tangle this up with whatever happened fifteen years ago but if you do go for counselling, make sure that they are a very good counsellor as this sounds like it could be very complex and that someone not skilled could make it harder to deal with.

I don't get what your posts means, kipper. Whose post are you responding to?

I'm still on waiting list for trauma counselling. I just seem to run into more trouble which ever way I turn. I just want to show kindness. I don't see any one human as 'worse' than another. He deserves friendship. He can have as many pen pals as he likes, but as long as he wants my friendship I will give it. I'm doing it for him, not for me. I just didn't realise how much fear and pain it would cause:(

I hav been a lurker for a while mosp but i think the tone of your op struck a wee chord with me that is all luv. I really wish you well with whatever you decide to do but I think deep down you wouldnt be on here if you thought it was ok to comunicate with a death row prisoner.
Imagine if the victim of your mans 'crimes' lived in this country and were widely publicised could you honestly communicate with this man openly?
There are lots of nice people in the UK who are desperate for company who have not comitted any crimes - I am sure you could find someone to get along with xx

Sorry, mosp - it was in response to dita's question about why everyone thought he was writing to lots of women! I said he could be writing to men too. But generally the statistics show it's usually women who write because they feel sorry for the prisoner, the small number of men who write do so because they find the crime fascinating (just averages, it's not meant to be a sweeping statement). I'm sure he is writing for company - certainly for now - not necessarily to lure any woman. But as one only sees a very one sided view of him - whatever he can put on paper, you can't see body language, ways in which he treats others, ways he responds to situations, etc. You're only dealing with a small aspect of one person on paper. I would hope you had some other good friends who are people you can see and interact with, so that this activity/project doesn't start becoming more significant than it should be. Wishing you all the best and hope everything gets better!

Mosp lovely, it's crap that you are still on the waiting list.

I don't see any genuine harm it can do you to be in contact with him. If it was a physical RL relationship I would be much more concerned. But having said that, any intense emotional feelings right now for somebody like him, are not going to help you. He may or may not be guilty and yes, I am sure he reads as a normal, sane and wronged individual who just wants a friend out there in the world. Maybe he is just that. Maybe, just maybe also, he is another sociopath or psychopath sitting in his cell laughing inwardly at the women/kind and believing people who he can still manipulate.

You have no idea.

What you do know is that your friends and dc's need you.

It's interesting that such a paper-relationship can bring out this fear in you. I wonder if you are subconsciously trying to forgive the man who wronged you, by trying to find something human and likeable in this inmate?

You have always sounded to me like an intensely compassionate kind and loving woman.

Ring your surgery and insist that your GP follows up your referral for trauma counselling. Glad to see you posting. x x x x

Hello UA. To be precise, I'm not even on the waiting list. My GP applied for funding for the trauma centre, and still not heard back. Also, I've been doing ok on the meds in recents weeks, so not been chasing it up.

Re my penpal, it feels so weird that I can read/watch news reports and read his online 'ramblings', and then also see his handwriting. It kind of brings it home that it's a reality for him. He's clearly not yet accepted that he'll probably never get his freedom. He's upbeat and interesting and interested in his letters. Nothing inappropriate. No 'poor me'. He doesn't deny his crime. We don't really discuss it anyway.

As I said, the problem is all on my own head. I feel kind of shocked at how it has made me feel. He's the strong one afterall. Not me.

Sorry. I don't even know what anyone can say. I just wanted to verbalise all of this.

By the way, he's never been convicted of any sex crime. Not sure how that makes any difference to anything.

mosp I'm sorry if I was a bit abrupt last night. There are many people in this world who are deserving of compassion, I'm not sure a convicted murderer is one of them.
My personal thinking is that if you take a life then you put yourself outside society and shouldn't expect to be treated according to society's rules.

You on the other hand, are clearly vulnerable and in need of support and you should try and step back from something that is affecting you so much.

mosp, you know that I know you from previous threads

this is meant very kindly

I believe that to do something so compassionate and giving of yourself such as striking up a virtual friendship with a DR prisoner requires a person that is very, very sorted in their own personal and emotional life. That person isn't you, love, and I would recommend that you accept this was a misguided thing for you to do, and you withdraw gently to concentrate on yourself.

Looking outside of yourself for things to "fix" is not going to help you, as evidenced by you now finding yourself crossing all sorts of boundaries here and feeling out of control with it.

I do know what u mean, AF, but I can't (and don't want to) abandon him. Sorry. I am grateful to those who have posted though. I just think I need to ask GP to chase up the therapy.

I feel sorry for anyone in a bad place, even if they caused it. I know the feeling of causing my own calamity and feeling guilty and all the rest of it.

I really don't even know what I wanted out of this thread. I suppose just to tell how it is making me feel.

Couldn't agree more with AF - and I also have strong views about women who write to murderers and rapists on DR - but I shan't go into those on here.