You'll have to refresh my memory as to why the part calamity was your fault mosp.
Even if it was (and I'm going to stick my neck out and say I doubt it) you can and must forgive yourself. The past is the past and we learn and grow from it. I know that as a result of my depression, suicide attempt, abusive relationship etc etc I am a stronger person.
I have empathy, compassion, no fear of mortality, but at the same time know and appreciate the value of life and the need to live it. I also have a keen sense of perception, honed from being able to discern if Ex was in a shitty mood from his footsteps in the hall.
I have an ability now to look at situations with a clinical black and white approach. I bust everything down to the simplest form and then see if I can make sense of stuff when all the emotion is stripped out, the BS vanquished.
The lack of anger is that you have not processed it all yet, you have not allowed yourself to see that you were a victim. You are too intent on punishing yourself for allowing yourself to fall into that position in the first place.
OK all well and good, but these people CHOSE to hurt you.... That was their active choice. They could have stopped, but didn't.
Power and Control Charming men make Dangerous Lovers, Why Does He Do That.. both great books that deal with men that control and hurt us, explain the dynamic and our non-role in it.