Anyone there to help? I feel I'm drowning

[mosp]

I don't know how much I'm allowed to say about this, but if I don't express my emotions I will explode.
I recently made a new friend. Long distance. He is doomed. The friendship is doomed. I can't cope. I didn't anticipate feeling so close. :(

Ok, I re-joined mn under another email address so I could see my own thread again!

And then I found out how to reverse the mistake, so I'm back :)

< head spin >

This is a damaging co-dependant relationship.

You sound like I did, like countless others before and after me.

We all knew it was tearing us up...

But I love him...

4 simple words that can destroy many, many lives, over generations.

You feel a concern for this man, you want him... but it's not HIM you want, he is a catalyst.

YOU need this love you are giving away. Please see that?

You need to talk to the coordinators, you will not be the first to feel like this, they can support you in any way you need them to. But you have to tell them how you are feeling, you have to tell them that you could do with some help. Please?

I really can't see that my feelings and needs trump his. I don't deserve help.

yes, you do

Why do you say that you don't deserve help?

If you don't see that your own health is or importance, who will?

And FTR... anyone who actually says I don't deserve help needs it!

I don't think it is possible. I see that I think differently to other people but I can't change it. E.g. On other threads where the dh is behaving in a certain way, I can't imagine it occurring to me to complain (if it was me).

I'm prob making no sense

yes because you are not self-preserving love! You are not caring for yourself! you are normalising the abnormal.

Trust us. We don't know you from adam, but we know that what you are doing is hurting you and that is something we can't ignore.

You came here drowning. We are trying to reach you to pull you back in. Let us help you.

We can see things more clearly because we are in stronger positions, we've seen stuff, and processed it. We're working on it. I understand what you are doing and why, but it's hurting you and it's not right for you, right now. Soon it will be, but you have stuff you need to do in the meantime.

Are the peas in bed? What have you done today and what are you doing tomorrow for mother's day? [not expecting anything life-changing btw. I'm not doing anything. Mothers day passes me by. plus ds is very poorly]

What's the name of the inmate you're writing to? I will write to him.

...and show you what he writes back.

Am I being unfair to him? Even though he's confident and not presenting as needy?

Thank you UA. I will think about it. I shouldn't tell his name here though.

Tomorrow, the peas have a party at the ice arena so I have a date with a good book in the cafe:)

Good idea UA!

mosp, it's not about HIM being in need... it's you. You are doing this cos YOU NEED to feel that you must ATONE for something or other.

Let UA write to him in your stead.... that way you can remain involved in knowing about how he is, but not directly, and not to your detriment.

Send UA a PM.... [helpful]

I'll ask him. I'll speak to HW on Monday. But I'm not saying I'm ready to tear myself away.

We'll prob find ourselves comforting UA in a few weeks time!

Another thing: HW linked us up for a reason.

PM me with the details.

You aren't being unfair to him

No, hang on, you are being unfair to him in not allowing him to spread his luuurrve..by writing to me too. [serious]

My lovely neighbour who is a wonderful father figure to ds, has terminal cancer. He is on DR too frankly but without the crime. I would much rather you wrote to him. he is very loveable, his wonderful wife is despairing, his hair is falling out.

that is so brilliant

pass along your responsibilty

pass the buck, we all do it

I know we are semi-joking, but mosp this man is not your responsibilty

and you don't love him

you see something in him that reminds you of yourself (God knows why, because he did a baaaad thing, and you never have) and you want to give that person love

recognise you are deserving of love...why are we still here otherwise

3 of the most kick-arse posters on MN

we are here, don't you think we could be arse-kicking elsewhere ?

mosp, this man isn't a special person

he is a common or garden abuser of women isn't he ? (doesn't use the word)

he doesn't have special powers, only in your ability to project your own needs onto him

Mosp, you say that your not worthy of help but what about your child/children. THEY need a mother who is as well and as whole as she can be and that is why you should step away. I've been where you are, though in different circumstances. I stopped, despite it feeling like it was ripping off a part of myself to do so, because my children deserved better than a mother who gave into (self) destruction.

Ha ha UA. But I should check first with him. He has told me he writes to a lot of people but most of them are people helping him with his appeal. He applied for a penpal because he wanted a friend who he can be himself with.

just another thing. I had a subscription to World Vision and supported a lovely little girl for three years. Her worker/supporter helped her write the most touching cards and photos. I knew I was doing something worthwhile.

When My exH ran away I had to cancel subscription as he had left me so broke and broken.

She was so deserving and had her whole young life ahead of her. World Vision are amazing and you should support and write to a child like mine too. You can send gifts and they so need your compassion and help.

AF: he only committed murder. No sex crime.