Anyone there to help? I feel I'm drowning

[mosp]

I don't know how much I'm allowed to say about this, but if I don't express my emotions I will explode.
I recently made a new friend. Long distance. He is doomed. The friendship is doomed. I can't cope. I didn't anticipate feeling so close. :(

mosp, you wouldn't be "abandoning" him if you withdraw gently and tell him you are struggling with your own RL situation

if he is a decent person he would understand that

your own calamity is very, very far away from his, please do not compare the two

MOSP, my love, you probably don't 'know' me, but I do recall you and I whole heartedly URGE you to reconsider doing this. Please listen to AF, you know she's not BSing you, and I know her well enough to know that she cares DEEPLY about people here, YOU most definitely included.

I really, honestly urge you to take a step back, to talk to your Human Writes coordinator and explain the situation.

Your writing is a selfless and generous thing to do, but as AF says, you have to be stronger, much stronger than you are to carry this off without dragging yourself into something that is showing all the signs of beginning to consume you.

You don't have the psychological strength/ability to partition just yet to be able to give so much of yourself.

PLEASE talk to the HW people, and then perhaps once HW finds someone else to write to him, you could write to the DR man and tell him that it was having too great an effect on your mental health and the success of your RL family for you to continue, that you will think of him, but that you have to put the wheels back on your life first.

We have to be stable ourselves, before we can extend a hand to others.

You have been through so much MOSP, you need to love yourself first, before you can take on this kind of commitment. You are too vulnerable, you are unprotected.

I 'met' a woman on here once. She was 'me' but was living in a different part of Hell to where I'd been. In many ways she WAS me, but 6m previous. In other ways she had more freedom than I'd had; spoke the lingo, could get out etc. She was however suffering with an abusive man, she was PG at the time and felt utterly trapped and desperately trying to hold on to what was left of her sanity until she could board the plane home. I wrote to her every day. It literally tore me up ALL day, every day, forcing me to re-live the horrors of my 'incarceration' at the hands of my abuser and his sick compatriots through the stories she would tell me. I spent all my alone time in floods of tears. I knew what my communications meant to her though as the emails I had got when I was over there meant the world to me. I know the pull you are feeling. I was not then in the strong place I am today, but this young woman is at least back home in the UK and free once more. Over time I gained in strength, and she of course came home. I faced MY demons, i got better.

MOSP, this man is not going anywhere. You can write to him again when you are stronger. he will be there for years. Please get someone else to step in and take your place, he may have more than one person to write to, it't true. It's not like it'd be cheating... Please put your self and your DC first for a while, get your strength back and THEN revisit writing to him?

You are not ready to be giving so much of yourself when there is so much of yourself that needs putting back together.

If you were saying this to me before I knew him. Before it was personal, I could have looked at it as objectively as you all do. But now I just can't. He's real. I have hand written personal letters. I look forward to sending and receiving them. He has not done anything wrong to me. He is already paying for what he did to other people.

I only applied because I felt so much stronger and I want to give back some of the care and attention I have had (and still have) on here and in rl.

Surely it is normal to feel deeply and to care heart-wrenchingly? Please don't withdraw from me because of this. I can't help being stubborn and I admit I need to talk it through when it gets too painful to deal with alone.

We haven't withdrawn, mosp

You are not obliged to take our advice, and we won't abandon you if you don't.

But love this is too painful for you to do. You are being torn apart and that, after everything you have endured is not acceptable for us to sit by and watch. It hurts us to see one of our own in anguish when she needn't be.

It's too soon and you are not ready. This is doing you real HARM. A real friend wouldn't want that for you.

You have DC, you can't just allow yourself to be consumed by a man you will never meet, that will be put to death at some point in the future.

You can and MUST withdraw, re-group and look after yourself. You say he has done nothing wrong to you, but you feel as if you are drowning... that IS doign wrong, even if he doesn't mean to. YOU are in control of this, YOU. You need to push the self-love button and write letters of love and friendship to yourself.

You are using this guy, a captive, to get what YOU need reflected back at you, but the price of it is to tear your heart to shreds. That is too high a price.

You can give back to society, but for the sake of your health, and the care of your family, please pick a beneficiary that is not going to take you all down in the process.

Strengthen yourself, make sure you are strong enough to hear the things you will hear and allow yourself to detach at the end of the day. When you are strong enough you will be able to look again at how you can help others.

It is normal to care, IMHO. I care deeply about those around me. It's not always reciprocated which tears me to bits, but I carry on caring. I however have a ton of RL support, friends, therapists, support groups, I'd not embark on this thing you have done, I'm not robust enough to do that.

MN is a great source of comfort for me, I post to help and it helps me in the process. I find some of the threads on here heartbreaking and haunting and i do find myself crying at more than one or 2 at times.

You will find yourself again, you will be able to share that immense love and compassion that you are so amply blessed with, but right now your OWN being needs all of that.

We wouldn't withdraw from you for this love, we would encircle you MORE, cos your words show us that you need us still. You need us to be here to hear you. Let US help you grow stronger. Let the lessons learned in your experiences help others HERE that need a voice that has been through shit and survived.

Please reconsider the DR thing, please take a break, he'll be there when you are stronger.

lovely post, HissPot

Ow:(. It's been so long. I've been ill for over two years.. I want to do this. I can't let go. What would be the response of a 'normal' person then? What does it take that I haven't got?

To be in a stronger place. You are not there yet. Pursue the RL help you have applied for. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Selfishness is very under-rated (sometimes). This is one of those times.

When I applied, it was with selflessness. Now that I am in the water, I enjoy the friendship every bit as much as he does. Please please don't ask me to drop it. I can't. I just can't. (sobbing)

Beautiful post Hissy.

Mosp you just said it right there yourself. You're ill my love. Not ill enough that you won't recover. You will. But you need to make yourself well before you start trying to help others.
Where is your friend fan? Does she know about it?

We will never abandon or withdraw from you on here.

mosp, come on

you don't have to do what we say, but you would be wise to listen and take some time to process it

seek some RL advice from the organisers. Be honest with them, I bet they will say what we have. Ring them on Monday

when you are this affected, it is time to step away

the same is true of many things in life

Fan has her parents staying until tues. I will speak to her after that.

There is nothing more I can say without pissing you all off with my obstinacy.

No, love you are not being selfless in doing this, you are ignoring yourself somehow, neglecting yourself, pouring love, compassion and sympathy into someone who you see that needs help and kindness.

That's admirable, but you are filling someone else up when you are running on empty yourself. This need to outpour is a sign for you that you need to pour this all into yourself. Only when you are FULL and overflowing with self love, awareness, strength and care can you give to others.

Like they say in the Safety Demos on planes... Place your own oxygen mask on first before you try to fix the masks of others.

You must pause it. WE are not saying stop, we are saying pause. You need to heal more before you carry on.

If you were on here saying, this is great, I'm so pleased about doing it, it makes me feel whole and i'm invigorated and I want you all to do it, we'd ALL be behind you.

But that's not the case is it?

The thread title is Help me, I'm drowning.

We can't sit by and watch you go under.

listen to the HissPot

we are not pissed off, though

Thanks ladies... well, you know what i mean :-P

I'm listening. I promise.

But it is making me cry.

Wish I was in his place, if it meant I could help.

i don't know you, but I have had issues with my own MH, and you come across like someone who is desperate to rescue and save others. which is a great thing BUT you can't rescue or save anyone. His happiness or comfort or cheer is not your responsibility

if you want to give something, what about befriending someone in your own community? Maybe volunteer at an old folks home, help them write letters/cards? spend time with them?

it is wrong that you feel such a sense of responsibility and a debt to this man, who you've not met and never will

he might be upset if you stop writing, but as AF has suggested, you withdraw gradually

if he is a decent and good man, then he will understand

for your own health, you must be selfish.

and what houdini said !!

It's true, the worse I felt, the iller I was, the more i tried to do, to prove i was fine.

it didn;t work

It's only him I want now. :(

That's not healthy. You are fixated on someone unavailable. Think what that means. Only frustration and unhappiness. You need to stop punishing yourself, mosp.

well, it's not real, really? and it's therefore safer to pour your energy into him and his letters.

you need to find things in your life that will fulfil you and make you feel whole and happy

And I realise you are trying your hardest to push us away

I think I just accidentally 'hid' this thread! On my iPod and slipped my finger