Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

Weekend was an eye opener. He was a bear with a sore head with me, was ok with the DCs until their antics got too much and then he was shouty with them and quite frankly unacceptable. I spent most of the time either trying to hide my crying or placate DCs. Definition of pressure cooker. And yet, as soon as we were in company he went back to 'normal' ie low level sniping. He says I'm useless at everything. Well I'm not useless at planning for a future without him. I am terrified he'll use my illness against me to get the DCs but my symptoms are only bad because of having to work so hard at this crap. So, I am speaking to the lawyer this week to understand my rights and I've taken the decision to tell work so as to explain why I've been a bit unfocussed recently. There's rumours of redundancies too which may be a godsend in disguise. I've investigated our finances too and think I might be able to buy him out. I think. But I do know he'll go ballistic when I give him my ultimatum. Have to be rock solid before I light the blue touch paper.

I can't thank you guys enough, this thread is such a support. I am amazed that I have let myself get into this situation but I can't dwell on it - the DCs are the ones I have to protect. I'm getting there I think but MN is proving to be my touchstone as I do.

It's amazing when you hear the amount of criticisms these men make against us you'd think they'd be desperate to split up...thing is they like a punchbag.

Stay strong

{{{wee hug}}}

Hang in there, you are not alone.

Sorry to hear about the bear with a sore head, it's so unfair on you.
Telling work, redundancy news, all steps in the right direction. I wouldn't keep him in that loop though.
Seeing the lawyer will be a big step, good luck.

Just wrote a massive post and lost it

Have started the legal advice route although the firm I approached have said their books are full
Have found another and will call them tomorrow. I told work today so that if it kicks off they have advance notice and won't think I'm being wilfully crap at my job. Am terrified of broaching the subject with DH but want to make it clear that counselling is my preferred option but that I am serious about stopping this destructive pattern. I know I'm not perfect and will go into any counselling with an open mind because I know how helpful it can be. I hope I'm wrong but I predict we won't make it that far. this is however, my last attempt.

glasses I agree. It's fucking unbelievable we ever get into these positions. How one can slide into the pattern of acceptance of shouting, insulting and belittling has me completely flummoxed. Why I have never stood up and said 'enough' defeats me. I could tell you some examples of being left to deal with massive life events alone but it's too depressing and won't get me anywhere now. Onwards and upwards. I hope.

Oh sweetheart, I think "slide" is the operative word there. Getting to the shit place is a gradual process.- they couldn't achieve it overnight. I look back at various past relationships and think "how the fuck did that happen, and how did I let it it go on for so long". At the time it seemed that there were very grey areas in terms of whose fault things were, because, of course, none of us are perfect, and when "he" is warping one's perception, it's like you're living in a fog and you've lost the ability to recognise right from wrong.

have to say, its like living an alternative life, all this silent planning...not enjoying this aspect at all although logically I know I'm being sensible...

Hmm. A word of warning about counselling. Many here say that couples counselling when one of the couple is an abuser does not usually lead to a good outcome, and can made matters worse, as the abuser picks up further tricks to add to his repertoire. sorry.

I read something interesting recently on the subject of "leaving a bad situation" it brought tears to my eyes, as I could relate to it in my life and relationship
:-
" Put a frog into boiling water and it will jump out straight away, put a frog into cold water then gradually add in boiling water, it will stay there until it is dead"

Sometimes we have to accept the reality of what has happened, it is extremely hard to accept sometimes but we have to be so strong. Follow your heart and your conscience will let you know if you are doing the right thing.

I was thinking of boiling frogs a few nights ago actually - the analogy is spot on.

My conscience pricks the most when I see DH walking off in a strop and my Elder child stands looking after him, shouting Daddy. Or when DH shouts 'what is wring with you?!' when he is disobedient. DC is so desparate for consistent (and thats the key point, consistent) attention and affection its tragic. DH blows hot and cold and DC doesnt know where he stands.

One way or another (and I hope its without breaking up the marriage but I know it will be) I will break this cycle. Feeling more militant having taken proper legal advice.

Was talking about codependency with friends last night. How did I never hear about this until now?

I can be like a lightbulb coming on can't it? Sounds like you're gaining strength and resolve.
I'm liking the sound of militant!

Am feeling weakened again. DH has basically just intimated that while I was away this weekend everything was wonderful and I am the problem here. Am feeling devastated. Am I a bad mother? Do I damage my children with my anxiety? Am going to go to Relate by myself to straighten my head out. I don't want to be the problem. Feck. He's acting completely normally all this time. Feel like I'm losing the plot.

He's talking out of his bumhole and you know it. The dc were probably walking on eggshells. You are NOT the problem.

Ha! Everything was wonderful this weekend? My arse! (excuse me....!) it wasn't, because your DC were probably tiptoeing around, a bit scared of Daddy because he shouts at them.

He's messing with your head. All yr posts read intelligent, thoughtful, concerned and loving mother. You've even taken on board the 'co-dependency' possibility, (and it's not nice to think you might have been enabling his behaviour) without flying off the handle. No, you continue with your plans - there's no room for eggshells in a happy home.

Yup, what they said.
What do the DC say about the week-end?
Hope you had a good time away.

I really don't know what to think. DH won't accept that all I want is to not feel apologetic all the time. He says I'm the problem. I had a lovely day with my youngest today which went pear shaped at the end. I'm rock bottom in self confidence, getting shouty with my elder (am really worried about this, hes playing up and I can't seem to manage it 'nicely' ) and younger had a tantrum about going to bed (although I got him to sleep ok in the end) . I tried to make myself clear this evening saying I wanted to fix things but only if we did it properly rather than DH say he's taking everything on and feel resentful be arsey all the time. We've got such different perspectives and he won't go to see relate. hes under pressure in all directions which I know and would like to help reduce but feel totally useless about because he criticises me so much. He thinks I'm overreacting and/or delusional. Maybe I am. Maybe my meds are fucking my head up but I don't think so really. God, I'm so confused. Who's right? Neither of us, I suspect. Nothing's black and white. Was going to see a mediator tomorrow but will postpone as I don't feel ready to move on this. I also took a couple of days off at work but haven't told DH. Think I'll take tomorRow, go see the doctor re not sleeping and then try to have a calm day to think things through. I think so little of myself I'm beginning to believe him.

Stop thinking like that. Don't slide backwards.
You are right in wanting better for yourself and your children.
Breathe, breathe again, and re-boot. Sorry, that sounds crap.
But go back and read this from the start.
Don't believe him. x

Bless you, you sound exhausted. Of course nothing's black and white, that's just the way he sees it - blaming you for everything and grinding you down. Some counselling on your own wouldn't be a bad thing. Any friends, relatives you can talk to?

Read back over your thread. Look objectively at the hard FACTS of how he's behaved. Telling you you're dellusional/over-reacting (ie "crazy") is in the script of all gaslighters and it's bullshit.

Bring back the militant Feckthis!

I think I've reached a plateau. DH has appeared to have taken some of my points to heart. He says he loves me. I am biding my time. One more explosion and that's it. And I've made it clear I am prepared to end the marriage which I think was a shock to him. I don't feel militant but not do sad I'll walk away. Baby steps. Hopefully not backwards.

I'm not sure I understand. I think you're saying that your plan to leave is on hold.
Fingers crossed love. Keep talking to your friends and family.
Come back if you need to. x

I think that's where I am. Tbh I'm not sure I wont be back here soon but I feel I ought to give it a go because it has got better since I forced him to talk about it all. He's brilliant at hiding behind obtuse statements and counter questions but over the past three nights I've plugged away and not let him ignore the fact tha I will not continue to live so unhappily. What I don't know is whether he listened enough to understand we can't just settle back into a comfy (for him) groove. I can't thank you enough though. I have found a new voice and have stood up for myself so much better than I have before. And I know the number of a brilliant lawyer, which is, ahem, nice (for me).

I was exhausted too, you're right. I've had a couple of good nights sleep courtesy of my doctor and feel much stronger. Pills down the loo tonight I think tho. Don't like to use them but I was desperate.

I can understand the feeling that you need to have given it every possible chance.
Don't lose the voice and stay on your feet!
As I said, fingers crossed.
And, um, is there a hint of something else behind the "brilliance" of the lawyer, hmmm?

I hate weekends. Feeling more militant.