Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

He hates it if I talk about our relationship to others. Very private person. That's why I love MN. Telling my friend was a giant step.

I would agree that problems within a marriage should be kept private, until it reaches the stage that you are at; that either party is not acting in the other's best interests.
At that point outside help is needed. My understanding is that your sisters can't be trusted. I find that quite shocking, but I don't have any sisters.
I'm sorry if I have misunderstood.
I'm sad to realise that you are even more isolated than I thought.
I agree MN is amazing, but we can't do anything material.
Lean on your friend for actual, real help.

Oh no don't think my sisters can't be trusted. I just worry they'd be so protective they'd end up saying something despite themselves iyswim. Anyway I have let them know all is not rosy in the meantime as I am gradually recognising that talking gives me some perspective as well as support.

"they'd end up saying something despite themselves"

That's the whole point. He needs to know that his actions are not a secret but others know what he's up to. If he thinks others are on to him, he may behave better. If he knows you have people who are looking out for you, he will take you more seriously. Bullies succeed when they isolate their victims and make them dependent. Don't help him do this by isolating yourself.

And the perspective and support will help you feel like you are regaining some control. But you may not want to "go public" until you are further on with your plan. You must be feeling very raw and exposed. Look after yourself.

Had a massive little cry today when with friends and talked to one of my good friends as a result. Next stop the world press.

Opening up to good friends is wonderful. I hope it did you good. World press maybe not such a good idea , but there are plenty of people out there who love you and will want to help you, even if it's just by listening to you.

Excellent! And humour too!

And light the. Blue touchpaper

Not sure what to make of that post love.
Sounds like you might need to go and stay somewhere else for a bit.
Hope you're OK. x

Just reading this now, hope you are ok OP?

I'm still checking here a couple of times a day. Just in case you want to talk.

I'm here. Sorry if I worried you. I was a bit overwrought. We had it out over the weekend. I stood my ground, he stormed off. I let him stew. He cracked the next morning and said he'd try to listen to me, help me and chill out. So far he's done it, taking the DCs so I get a break, not being snarky etc etc. I'm waiting and hoping...

Oh, so good to hear from you.
Standing your ground and letting him stew - bloody well done.
Obviously early days, but has to start somewhere.
Hope you're feeling better.
Fingers crossed. x

Thank you I am. And thank you so much for your support. I would never have had the gumption to tell him to eff off (which I did, quite definitively) and then not go back apologising. Marvellous. Instead I let him go off and had a glass of wine as you say, early days. I'm vigilant. Thank you again.

Good. Stick with the wine and vigilance. Hope he can stick with the new habits and behaviour patterns, and reform his attitude permanently.

Yes well done feckthis, good luck with keeping going.

Hope the break is going well.

thanks. it went remarkably well actually. DH gave me time to relax by taking both DC's out and about which was a new experience and we got time together without the kids (MIL was with us, but that's a whole other story) - the acid test now is how things go once we are back at the daily grind. I have also realise dthat i need to kick my 'victim'/'martyr' tendencies into touch -if I roll over what can I expect? It's better to stand my ground isn't it? I feel like I've move away from the cliff edge a little although I can still see the sheer drop.....as you said earlier, baby steps.

Sounds like an improvement. However, please keep asserting yourself and don't let your guard drop any time soon. Unfortunately, bullying men often cycle through good and bad behaviour as a way of keeping their victim compliant. Once they lull them into a false sense of security with apologies and promises to change they think it's safe to go back to their old habits. You have to really watch out for that pattern happening & stamp on any bad behaviour the minute it starts, no matter how trivial.

Personally, I couldn't be bothered (anymore) to be in a relationship where I have to constantly be on the alert about keeping disrespect in check.

Respect should be a given.

At risk of this already being answered..
What happens if you say "leave it" to his take it of leave it?

You must definitely stand your ground. He must maintain these new patterns consistently and permanently. Not easy.
Very glad you had a nice week end.

I'm back. what a surprise, eh? There's been an amount of backsliding and I'm fed up with it all, all the shilly shallying, all the angst. What a waste of energy. Back at the cliff edge. I stopped getting my plans into order, stupidly. Need to get organised and do my research and then do SOMETHING! Fucking hell. I keep remembering our wedding day and the beautiful way he told me how much he loved me....and here;s none of that affection, respect or love there anymore...he just doesnt appear to give a fuck unless it's dierupting what he thinks is the right way of doing things. I'm whining I know but ffs, how cana rationale person change so much? It utterly defeats me. It really does.

sorry for crap typing, it's a reflection of how I feel