Guys, I did it...hes moved into a flat down the road, he's not living here any more. WE HAVE SEPARATED.
The children now see him every day but in a good way, paying them attention, not shouting, angry and bossy, calmer and more loving. We have ground rules about when he can come over etc and, after a lot of hiccups, they are sticking and giving me certainty and security.
My illness is not brilliant at the moment but I'm taking the view that all this stress is bound to hit me hard and I need to pace myself. Now I'm not in a war zone I'm starting to look around me and decide what I want to do with my life. I've just been accepted to do a postgrad degree in art and my name has just come up for an allotment so good things are happening. Finally. Thank goodness.
I'm slowly putting my stamp on the house and changing old routines ... I went and bought bright blue towels as one of the first things I did because we'd always had to have grey ones (to make the bathroom look cool apparently...tosh, blue looks ace and cheers me up)
I've got a CBT counsellor and am starting to unlearn my behaviours and beliefs that I used to protect me and the boys. I am starting very slowly to reinvent my life to what it should be like. It's like walking into the sunshine.
He's got a counsellor and started seeing her last week after the NHS saw him, said he was desperate but it would be three months before they could do anything. He tried to say he'd wait but I said I'd start divorce proceedings immediately if he didn't see someone since our problems are down to his behaviour.
Have I filed for the big D? Not yet. I want to see where his counsellor gets him to but it's definitely a real option. He's not coming anywhere near us as a family unless he sorts himself out properly and I'm more than happy to wait a bit. But not too long.
Thank you again for your perseverance everyone. This has been going on for years but I've turned a massive corner now. No going back.