Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

What's been going on?

Another shouty saturday. Doctor has given me sleeping pills do I'm feeling stronger too. Had the boys to myself yesterday and while it wasn't perfect it was lovely and lots of hugs etc. I've told my sister too. Big step for me. Things are moving. Scared.

So glad your sister knows. It is scary but you will be okay. One day you'll say 'I love weekends - I get the chance to spend lots of time with my lovely boys...'

have given DH the choice - either fix things with counselling or thats it. Waiting for response. Have been waiting a while so expect I know the answer but at least I'm clear, eh? Thank you for sticking with me on this, it means a LOT.

wow, just read through op.

I think you are going thru the yoyo ing bit before it does all eventually come to an end.

It reads that you have changed so much within your marriage, and the light's gone on. Like a life reassessment.

You will be so much happier with just your dc's imo, I know it's scary as hell. There is a life out there for you, you sound super switched on to me. Just worn out at fighting and trying , on your own.

hope you come and let us know what happens. I wish you strength.

Thankyou. I blardy need it.

Excellent that you've told your sister, you're getting more and more people on side, so more and more strength to draw on when the crunch comes.
Hope he doesn't keep you waiting too long for an answer.

Just terrified he will try to take the DCs still wondering if I am wrong I think it's because I can't believe Im right. also slightly nervous of what it will be like if/when he realises I have been talking. Which in itself shows how much I kowtow. Bloody hell. What if I've read this all wrong? Logically I KNOW I'm right but there's this nagging doubt. Feck. Feck. Feck.

It's hard isn't it when you're worrying that maybe you're the problem. I think I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter who's fault it is, the fact is that it isn't working.

namechange, that's true. it's not going anywhere.

op it's normal to be scared, but it just shows you how ABNORMAL it is to be so scared of his reaction, because as you say, he belittles you, and doesn't face up to a bloody thing.

you know what, he can't just have the children, there would be courts and stuff involved, he can't just take them based on his view of you as a human being!!

I think I said before - you feeling you have some responsibility in all this means that you are a decent human being and a grownup.

The fact that he lays all the blame on you makes him the opposite.

He might threaten to take the DCs but it's unlikely he wants them full-time. Read your thread again. I'm supposed to be working but maybe one of those wonderful mnetters will go through it and list all his wankfuckery-type behavior so you can see it more clearly. WE can see it, clear as day.

You are not wrong.
He belittles you.
He is inconsistent and unkind to your DC.
He scares you.
He has failed to suggest a single thing to improve matters.
He has failed to leap at your suggestion to go to counselling.
He absolutely cannot just take the children. I have no experience so cannot suggest how to deal with the fallout when you tell him to leave. I hope someone will come along who can. Sending you strength, resolve and hugs.

I have said he needs to talk to someone about his depression which, based on the last nights discussions, Is pretty obvious. He's rejected it but has said he will try so long as I do. Have to try but tbh am not hopeful. My sister and SIL both will stand by me and I've got my friends and MN. I'm laughing. Almost.

Well that's better than rolling over and having 'welcome' tattood to your chest.

(thanks, BBBB for the above!)

Oops, hold one of the B's

Might be about to go to hell in a handbag. Got a bit militant. Oops. Silly me. Will report back. Wish me luck.

No problem tallwiv.

What happened Feck? Are you OK?

Am confused. I stood my ground last night about the sheer lack of seriousness DH seemed to be attaching to this. He skipped off out with his friends last night leaving me to deal w two knackered DCs - I sent a blunt text. He was v cross but contained and we left it that that was it. Or so I thought. Today he wants to try. I meanwhile have been prescribed happy pills because I am sonbingly exhausted due to the stress affecting my sleep. But he's FAR worse because he's got a bad cold Ffs. I am angry. My sister has counselled I spell it out very clearly how far my thoughts have gone. My SIL has quite correctly surmised I am scared to do that. And all the time he's saying it's my issue. I am so bored of it all now. I am almost at the point of just giving up on this marriage because I seem to be the only grown up who sees the rot. Definitely a yoyo pattern. Thankfully each cycle is shorter than the last. I am gagging for equilibrium, in whatever form it takes.

You poor thing. It all sounds so exhausting.

'He will try if you will' - this looks like a pre-emptive attempt to lay the blame on you if things do not improve. Sorry.

Take your pills, they are just to see you through and keep you able to cope.

However, if he is depressed then he may well need ADs, he should go and get some, ADs really do work these days, though sometimes it takes a while to get the right one for one's physiology. If he remains depressed, he will find it much harder to change his behaviour.

Okay I may be wrong, but I thought if you were depressed you tended to take responsibility for everything, not blame other people for your actions. Eg. Someone who is depressed will sit on a bus which is late because of road works, and blame themselves for not having known (telepathy?) and for not having "allowed extra time" so left 1/2 hour earlier than the journey normally takes.

In view of his refusal to take your unhappiness seriously, and inability to take any responsibility for changing your relationship, maybe it's time to accept that it is your issue.
You're not "just giving up on this marriage". You've been trying to fix it for months but he won't co-operate.
You are the only one who can stop the rot.

We had more discussion last night. And it was discussion not argument. I didn't settle for'lets both try' I said I had been at divorce stage and he needed to deal with his stress differently in the future. He agreed. I didn't just acquiesce and went thru my worries/grievances esp re the DCs and he's agreed to all of it. I think he's had a jolt because I've changed how I behave ie not a doormat. I'm hopeful. But cautious.

Hm. You will also have to be vigilant, to make sure he maintains it.
At all times.
Forever.
Sounds like hard work for you.

Hi FT
I feel for you, don't push yourself too hard, take a breather, just try and take your mind off all this even for just a little while. Take yourself off and do something just for you, try and clear your head sounds like you need it. Wish you strength and wisdom.