Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

Oh op Yes, start getting those plans back in order. He left emotionally a long time ago. Now it's your turn.

And yet I honestly think he thinks he's doing ok...it's like different languages. Thanks for hug. Needed it

He's doing ok but are you? He is what he is OP, are you willing to make do?

No I'm not. A friend was diagnosed with cancer today. Life is short. I don't want to squander it being moany.

There's no such thing as a "different language" honey. It's a bloody lie.

When a person is in an unhappy relationship they become unrecognisable to even themselves.

This is my belief There is clinical depression of course but there is also repressed anger that is misconstrude as depression. You aren't moaning OP you are bloody repressed and sad.

I know. I know. What a mess.

Well messes can be cleared up you know sweetheart. A dominant man is not a real man.

You aren't moaning. You're complaining, and questioning his lack of consideration. Quite right too. It's early days so don't worry about your plans not progressing consistently. Just pick them up now and keep going.
More (((hugs))). smile

obv. Sorry blame

I'm so tongue tied I can't articulate how I feel to him. He's accusing me of being the grumpy one because I've stopped being cheerful. I don't want to wreck things but feel its almost inevitable. It's going to be messy. He's in a huff now because I've said I want to talk but don't know how to because I don't want to argue. That's me ruining the day apparently. Perhaps I have.

How are you OP?

I'm doing OK on one level and falling apart on another. My SIL staged an intervention yesterday as she is so worried about me and the kids. Sat me down and said I wasn't going loopy, that she could see what was happening, recognised family patterns etc. Very traumatic but cathartic. Have contacted a solicitor in order to get a plan together. Have broached subject of me spending more time with the Dcs and less at work. Got called names and shouted at. I am more determined to give me and the DCs a good life. If DH isn't going to play ball then stuff him. Am feeling wobbly but determined. Thank you for not forgetting me!

Good for you, yes go to the solicitor. I didn't see your thread first time round but he sounds absolutely vile.

Just keep making plans and reading and getting a plan together.

The sad thing is that he isn't vile. He can't break the cycle. So I'm going to. Thanks tho. Don't worry, I will not backslide, SIL wld kill me

I haven't forgotten you at all, but I have been away for 10 days otherwise would have been here more. SIL sounds like a rock and wants to help, so throw a rope round her and use the support.Traumatic is agonising but cathartic is good. You say he isn't vile, but the way he treats you sounds vile.You said earlier that he's not impossible but I think a lot of us would find him impossible to live with. He has warped your perception.
Keep moving towards your goal, it doesn't matter if progress is slow.
You've got a lot of crap to kick out of the way, you've been with him a long time. You're doing very well, keep it up. x

Oh yr so lovely. I've definitely unpeeled another layer of the onion skin. Hence my tears no doubt.

what an evning. DH went out and when he came in we had a 'discussion' - unpleasant and angry. He talked more than he has done but he's so angry. He says I'm driving him mad, that I'm the 'uptight' one, he's doing everything, that I'm being unreasonable. He demanded to know what I wanted. I said I wanted to stop feeling like shit, to stop feeling apologetic, to feel loved. He focussed on the practical, financial stuff - important but not the real stuff. He can't get past the practical. He's taking some time to come up with a plan but I'm unsure. If I trust him, give up work and look after the DCs (what Id like to do in a perfect, happy world) will I just become financially dependant and even more ground down by all this? Is his anger because he's hurting, or will this just rumble on and on.

OP I've just read through your thread from beginning to end, and the thing that jumps out at me is that you really just want to be happy in your life. I don't think that's too much to ask for. Not really.

I also think you know that your relationship with your DH won't ever be part of a "happy" life. He does not bring out the best in you, you do not bring out the best in him. That's it, really.

You've started the process of looking at a new life that doesn't include him, so I hope you're not still in shock at the thought of calling time on your marriage. Continue with your plans, with Relate, with a solicitor, and find out what YOUR financial position will be. At the moment, I don't recommend cutting down your hours in your job, or even giving up, unless your health prevents you from working full time. Keep your options open - it will be harder to quickly pick up a well paid job, should you urgently need one.

With regard to all the other details regarding a separation, you should get good advice from your solicitor, and of course, MN! Enough, already, OP - you have the rest of your life to live, with sunshine and smiles and happiness with your wonderful DC.

I don't think you should trust him. I don't think you should give up or cut down work. I think if you do either of those things you will be more dependent and ground down.
I think he is angry because you are rocking his boat.

Hmmm I agree. And yes, happy is all I want really. Not complicated really. Why is it so fecking hard then? I'm trying to get an appt with the solicitor soon. Thankyou so much.

Good, that will be a practical step forward that will help you decide what to do next. Well done, keep it up.

Hope w/e was OK. How's that onion?

I can't believe I missed your updates (note to self: look out for minor namechanges that don't highlight...)

I hope you're doing okay. My guess is that you're giving this thing your best shot because youare a lovely person. That's fine, but give it a time limit and if it does all go arse-up you'll know you did everything you could.