Do I bin?

[Feckthis]

I need some honest opinion here...please help. I've been with DH for many years, married for 13. 2 small dc. I'm trying to decide whether I've given it my all or whether I'm being a flake. I've got a degenerative disease. He's not so well either. He is very proud, hardly says sorry, quick temper. I'm quite passive-aggressive, been having counselling for depression (part of disease) and struggling to keep up with work, chores, life. Tendency towards martyrdom inherited from my mother, i admit. But DH won't talk about any of it, gets angry esp. when I broach the subject of cutting hours at work, picks away at housekeeping failures, is seemingly disappointed in me and his life. He's under pressure from work and family - I think he's depressed but wouldnt ever go see anyone, ever. But i feel so unloved, belittled and ground down. What can I do? I've tried to be positive so so many times my fecking cheerleader pompoms have worn out. What's the next move?

Update : will you guys be disappointed? I hope not...I stuck to my guns. He moved out and we went to separation counselling. Only we didn't separate. He reset himself instead. He went into counselling for himself. He got antidepressants. Saw the light. I let him come back late summer and so far it's been brilliant. I haven't gone back to previous behaviour. I've stayed strong and been clear - the towels are still turquoise.

He is aware of what he almost lost and has recanted his previous persona. 6 months or so down the line and I'm starting to relax...I think we'll be OK. But it's been a long road.

And...the art? Onwards and upwards, studying and selling. And loving it.

Well you're spot on that it has been a long road!

Nice to hear you sounding so positive, hope it lasts.

Great news about the painting, very best of luck with that.

Wow!

Good luck for the future. He knows you are strong enough not to accept his crap so make sure he stays in his new form.

Hi guys, have name changed in the meantime but wanted to check in… We are still together and despite various ups and downs it's looking good. My health is slowly deteriorating but I don't feel alone anymore. And, my art is going great guns and my children have a good relationship with their father. Just about to start a new venture in my town offering studio space to emerging artists. Can't believe how far I have come in the last few years... Big thank you to everybody who helped me.

And another update....oh god, I'm so so stupid. Here goes....eveything went ok until I realised that he just didn't give a toss about what I held near to me....the art venture I launched being a classic example...the old problems came back and I just shut down. Switched off from him and focussed on the kids and art. Scroll forward a few months and I finally took the kids away for a long (>4 nights) holiday this year where, just before we went home, my elder told me his dad had kicked younger last year. And had stopped elder from going to is brother to help. And was wearing steel toe capped boots. Enough said.

I got home from the holiday and got the kids out, booked somewhere for a few days and then told him to get,out. He's denying everything, saying elder is wrong, but is lovebombing them with toys and sweets and treats. He's rented an amazing house and filled it with amazing furniture despite having controlled our purse strings rigidly for 17 years. I am so stupid, so naive to have fallen for This. So, everyone who told me so, you were RIGHT. He is an unmitigated selfish lying twit.

Oh, and I've found out that he's been lying to me and bookedint and went off to a nudist place while I was away wit the kids. Now I know that naturism is mainly very healthy, outdoorsy and not weird but I also know that sometimes it's not. He has. A history of using hard core porn. I think he went off for a swingers thing perhaps? Can't even believe I'm typing this...surreal. Unfortunately I can't use this knowledge because it was obtained in a manner not recognised by the courts. So frustrating! I've gone into fight mode...just feel numb.

I have only skimmed the thread but I am sorry. At least you know you tried. Don't feel stupid. New future ahead though. He has burnt his bridges.

I just feel so fucking stupid....I can't BELIEVE I fell for it all....seriously, he hasn't acknowledged the kids🔄' disclosures, he's pushing for 50/50 access and pressurising me to allow overnight stays even tho it's only been 2 weeks and he'd said he'd moved 'on a shoestring'...when I saw his place it was clear the shoestring I question was 24ct gold at least. Ffs. So angry.

How will you keep him out this time?

He out. I think he's decided for himself this time. No Suicidal dramas although there has been lots of trying to put it on me. Although quite how you do that is beyond me. And in the last year or so I have got better at standing up to him and saying no. This has been deeply frustrating for him as he was not used to me standing my ground. Unfortunately, I don't have any support really from my family as although my sisters and brother say they will standby me (for example in legal meetings) they do not believe what I have told them and think that I am being over the top and sensitive. Not sure how being horrified that your son has been kicked is sensitive but that's the way it's going with them in the moment. It's like being in a parallel universe

Please try to stay strong vegas. You and the kids deserve so so much better than this!

You have absolutely done everything in your power to try to make things work and he has screwed you at every turn.

I hope you recognise that you are brilliant and deserve a nice life despite your health issues and he has done nothing but grind you down

OP sorry things are tough but well done you found your voice and spirit.

Please get legal advice. Good luck.

I have got a lawyer and I've done the paperwork for divorce proceedings. This time there's no return.

He called this morning to ask if he could borrow my parents' antique dining room table for his house. I've just said no and he's now saying he will have to spend more dosh as a result. I have directed him to the charity shop. Currently dodging calls from him.

That's good to hear, it's a horrible thing to through but once your on the other end and your life is calm and noone is hurting you or making things hard for you then you'll look back and think it was all worth it to get to this lovely life although I know your illness complicates my simplistic mutterings.

In term of now just don't engage or be pulled into his games and bullshit. He feeds on it and he doesn't deserve your headspace.

Name changed but I am the OP...
UPDATE
I wanted to update you lovely lot mainly because, rereading this thread I am horrified how long it took me to realize just how abusive my marriage was. It might help others who are wondering whether they are imagining their partner's abuse, or being overly sensitive.
I left in August 2017. Despite all the protestations of undying love he was on Plenty of Fish within two weeks...yup, a 27 year relationship erased in two weeks. New girlfriend shortly after, dragged the kids up the motorway on his weekends to see her, even asked me to have them back on his Sunday mornings so he could have 'quality time' with her. At that point the last vestiges of my pity or empathy fell away. Eventually I got a court order to formalize when he would see the kids to stop him worming his way out of responsibility. He has screwed me re maintenance while lavishing money on himself and his lifestyle. I put most of my settlement into a house which I own outright but money is still tight. The kids have coped but it's been hard. My illness is progressing and my health took a few turns for the worse, brain surgery, radiotherapy, that sort of thing. Blah blah blah ....BUT before you think this is a Greek tragedy...I have NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! I could give my earlier self a kick up the bum, I really could. The advice given here was absolutely spot on and I often think how grateful I am for it even tho sometimes it was hard to take. Tough love.

I met somebody else who is honest, open, supportive, puts the kids' interests first, emotionally intelligent...a rational human being who loves me for me. We are now married and while DX still tries all the tricks in the book to get under my skin I am increasingly able to ignore and/or deflect him. I am shocked at the long-term effects of the emotional abuse though. I've had so much therapy to help me and I still am and although I'm better for it I was damaged big time I now realize.

So, if you think you recognize your situation in the early part of this thread for goodness sake, do something about it. You do not want to end up like me with years and years of abuse before you finally go. Listen to what your gut is telling you and good luck. I hope you get out and I hope you find happiness like I have. Once again thank you to the wonderful women who looked after me on this site.

So glad I jumped to the end after your Feckthis updates ended, OP! Well done, you saved yourself and DC. I wish you much love, good health and happiness xx

Thank you so much!

Well done op. So glad to see you're happy now.

Oh my God! I was just scrolling through "threads I'm on" and saw your update - I must have lost you after your name change. I'm so delighted to read this. Happy new year, Feckthis 🥲

What an incredible thread. Well done!

I am so glad you managed to get rid of him in the end - well done, and congratulations on your new and happy life.

Congratulations @Feckthis i hope you have had a lovely Christmas.

Am quite tearful to find you again Thankyou a million times for your truthful support. You were/are magnificent.

Thankyou so much. The thing is, life itself hasn’t changed or improved but the way I face it has. Completely. I look at the early parts of this thread and, while I understand that many would say ‘why doesn’t she just leave him”, I think it also sh own why people DONT leave you can’t believe it’s. Really happening. You think it’s normal. You think you’re being needly
when in fact you just want to be treated with a bit of respect, live and kindness it’s taken me years to see that. years. Thank God for
Mumsnet.