For LIKEATONNEOFBRICKS

[pollyblue]

Hello,
just wondering how things were going with you and your situation?

If you're still not sure if the woman you fancy has any feelings for you, can I offer you (possibly!) a bit of hope.....I don't know if you remember but I was in a similar situation last year - despite me getting a bit of a 'vibe' from my crush nothing came of it, she told me she wasn't gay etc so that was that. We were still friends, but (afaik) nothing more.

Anyhoo I saw her today, unexpectedly, for the first time in about 3 months and blow me down, she asked me out. Albeit if was a tentative, polite ask but she did, nonetheless. I did a good goldfish impression, I was so surprised. Just going to wait now, not get too excited, and see if anything comes of it.

So - there is hope!

If you knew she was gay, it would be so much easier wouldn't it? There's so much guesswork involved at the moment - does she realise you're interested in her 'in that way', is she likely to reciprocate, does she think you're just friendly, does she have feelings for you but thinks you're completely straight, and as Gay says, fears looking like an idiot?

If it gets to the end of your 10 days and you're still none the wiser, maybe straightforward is going to be best. Or you'll never know.

If I knew why my Woman In Question has suddenly sprung forth I might be able to shed some light on it for you, but at the moment I'm clueless.....

So Gay what would you say are the fishing rod signs G'wan... give us your top five... I'm (as my name implies) also in an agonising situation of not knowing what's going on with a lady friend. I think she may have feelings for me, but I can't be sure. She's a few years older than me too.

(Watching thread avidly)

G40 - offensice generally or to me? please PM me then! I need as much encouragement as possible, and /i just can't see how she is testing the waters.
I'm not a young thing though at 40 even though I look a bot younger - she looks also younger than her age and is in good shape (she just doesn't exercise like I do so I look quite toned, but she's dynamic and actually has more energy than I do!). hot young things). Even if age is some issue, I still need to know why should I think she's attracted to me rather than young men, don't I.
I understand about fishing reel but that requires a cool head. When she's not actively nice to me (and, say, today she was almost off with me and not talkative) I lose all confidence and feel like I'm a stupid pupil in a class, not a confident woman - i.e. I panic and babble some rubbish even at times. Myabe she's doing it on me - in/out and succeding in getting me to try to please her all te time and second guess. I've never been like htis with men, not since being 20 anyway.

a bit younger (not a 'lot')

surely I can equally, if not more, look like an idiot. She shows no outward signs of being gay, whereas I'm not so obviously traditional and she knows I'm not dating now. Also, polly, she's not gay as she was married and dated (maybe even now dates) men. At best she's bi or curious. In which case she may have a woman lover already, she def-ly has a close female friend who gives her Christmas presents. I may ask her whether she's in a relationship/dating, this is as much as I could ask at this stage directly. She did display a V card from someone, dont forget.

Well, hello ladies. Good to hear people's updates and hoping for a good outcome for everyone.
A month or two ago we all posted on my thread about falling for a coworker. It's been an incredibly hard time for me but I am learning to come to terms with the fact she is attached. I still see her every working day and am incredibly attracted to her.
I'm working on letting her know that I'm not straight, just in case she's interested, but it's very unlikely. Meanwhile I'm enjoying the view and learning some hard life lessons.

Crushing, I really don't know how you could stand it though, seeing her daily while knowing she's for sure attached. I hope you won't spend all your life hoping against hope. If you know now that you are not straight generally, at least you could find another woman? I really think that for me, it's either her or no other women (or a remote chance), if I learn there is no interest I'd rather go back to dating men I think, eventually.

I don't think there's a set of fishing rod signs. It's just that feeling of drawing in a little, then cutting loose, then pulling in again.
DP's contribution: "Men are used to asking and getting knocked back. Women have to be subtle for fear of fracturing self-confidence. So it becomes an evolutionary process rather than a prize to be won."

That's another angle she may be worried about. Being "The Experiment" or "One Off".

G40 - but why is it all about her possible feelings? I'm not at all confident, and if anything she is generally in a very stable place with her life while I'm not and she knows it (I'm not dating, don't have kids, I'm also moving to a new town). So far it was me who intiated contact and although she responds, she doesn't intiate, and she's not always 'nicey' with me. I feel like I'm the morefragile one - and actually I'm sure she sees me as somewhat at a loose end/even a bit lonely at the moment. She can't think that she's experiment as she has no idea whether I'm bi, she doesn't ask. She knows I was married but that this was a while ago. G, please pm me about why do you think she's testing waters, don't ignore me haha - it would realy help (I won't be offended by anything).

Lots of men are unconfident too, so your DP is generalising - I found that many such men also do pull close/pull away to start with. But it's somehow more obvious what they are doing, as they are not good at controlling their body language and eye contact. Women are MUCH better at hiding/pretending/acting, many women at least. With her I'm trying not to hide too much and I did intiate prolonged eye contact, smiles, but she tends to look away eventually. She's extremely self posessed and not a soft type which really doesn't help. I'm willing to be the softer one but so far no clear results..Maybe I sgould be even softer, and still less controlled in my expressions.

If you knew she was gay, it would be so much easier wouldn't it?

Sorry OP, I meant this in more general terms, rather - when you know someone is gay, it's easier. If you don't there's the fear of being rejected, combined with the fear of causing real offence, if they find the idea abhorent.

I don't think you can analyse the situation any more than you have, and as I said earlier, unless you get a real positive sign from her in the next few days, you just might have to ask her outright. Yes, it's hard but is it as hard as possibly never knowing for sure?

It's flattering though that it's either her or no one, isn't it? I may well be her experiment too (or her only experiment) - I 'm willing to take the mutual risk, really nothing to lose for both of us. I don't think this is the main issue on her part at all, it's much more whether she is attracted/in love with me. There may be a slight attraction, similar to what i had a few times in the past with women, i.e. wouldn't mind to try a kiss, but never strong enough to act on it, never feeling in love. If she feels like this towards me, then she won't act or risk anything, she has to feel strong enough in the first place, other issues are secondary as we are both unattached.
Sorry for so many posts - typical, the result of her not being actively nice to me today. Must calm down .

Do you know for sure she is unattached?

I'm wondering if my Woman In Question has asked me out now, because she has finally properly separated from her ex. It seems to have been quite an amicable separation - they were still living together several months after she said they had split up, there didn't seem to be any rush on either of their parts. But I think he has moved out now, so...........

If your crush has got someone in the background, or has recently split up with someone, that might make her reticent?

polly, yes, I will say something clear in the end, unless there will be a very negative vibe from her. It's just hard to tell what these positive signs are, if she's also being subtle. Hopefully G40 will enlighten me some more as I asked her already. I.m trying to put myself in her shoes, and what I would do is suggest a glass of wine (she's in charge where we are as I explained) and just have a chat about things, and then see the reactions, it should be easy. I can't really do it not being the organiser and being younger, but - she hasn't so far while it all in her hands. If I didn't respond it would just be a drink, no harm. But ok, I will wait, meanwhile will continue being nice.

She lives on her own and has done so for a while. She might have a lover though, nothing too heavy as I know for sure she doesn't go on dates every night or a few times a week. It's not a serious BF though, so even she is seeing someone this shouldn't stop her if she falls in love. I've been in short r-ships which stopped when something stronger came along. But no, I dont know for sure whether she's keen on someone right now, as I say I was going to ask. And she did get one valentine card which is on view.
Be careful, as your crush might be just distracting herself after the separation, and anything goes (i.e. men, women). From what i remember she sounded a bit flaky and not very nice, so be careful not to be used. Let her initiate a few meetings before rushing into deep feelings and hopes!

I'm not ignoring you, but I am working and juggling a tiredy pre-teen needed.
Ask who the Valentine card was from. And look at her when she answers.

Oh yes, I will be careful! That's why I've left it up to her to contact me again and arrange something concrete. If she does great, if she doesn't well.....that will really be that as far as I'm concerned. She can be a bit flaky (that's a good word) and as I don't know her that well, I am going to proceed with caution.

I did realise that DP would be no help, but she has more experience of men, so to speak.

I don't think I can explain what the positive signs are without actually being sat in her presence. You just....feeel them. Apparently.
I'd get busy with the questions. And ask her out for a drink/meal, making it clear it is not to talk about work.

G40, it's just you said she's definetely testing the waters with me - could you explain what makes you sure? you must have picked up on something i described?

I think I do feel positive signs in her presence - sometimes. At others I don't and what's most discouraging is complete lack of initiative from her which would be quite easy in her position. So far it's me who kept things going a bit closer, but I can't do much more without her input. I feel more vulnerable being younger askingher out - i really think it's easier for her as at the moment I'm coming and going from her house - surely it's easy for her to offer me a drink when it's two of us at her house, than me asking her out! maybe I'm now more clear about the setup, you understand why I'm so unsure.

I just get the sense that she gives you a little bit to see if you'll respond.
"He's very gay"....should lead to you saying "And here's me just a little bit gay to balance it out."
Before DP I might have had a dalliance or two with a non-gayer. It's just a feeling I have about your objet d'affection.

we are not working together, so it's never about work but I'd love to have a drink at her place as I'm sure things would move on as I'd feel more myself and relaxed and more obvious. But if no response of course would back out. I need that opportunity though.

Create the opportunity. Leave something at her house so you have to go back for it.