Fuck Him and his Barbour - dating chat 10

[watchoutforthatsnail]

New thread - you know what to do :)

[MsCellophane]

MLM - I agree with everyone else. I have to say I do worry about you. You seem to build men up into something that can't be, especially before you meet them. We have all had the excitement of clicking with someone before meeting but we have also all had the crushing disappointment on meeting. Sometimes they don't like us, sometimes we don't like them, sometimes they are nothing like what they have portrayed to us. This latest is screaming red flags and honestly, you should wander away

Watch - I tried the demure thing and holding out on the sex thing - the arseholes just showed their colours later.

I give off something too, I'm shy to almost basketcase to begin with but I tend to come out of my shell once the kissing starts But I constantly get propositioned online and in real life. I really am nothing special, I have a high libido so maybe that somehow comes across? God knows how.

Go with the demure thing, even if it ends up as a bit of role playing for you, just be prepared to get similar results eventually

[lovesineffable]

re pheromones-as far as I know this is to do with complementary immune systems, we tend to be 'chemically' attracted to people whose immune systems are different from ours (offspring have a better chance of being healthier)

when you kiss someone you get a 'reading' of their immune system via their saliva

[watchoutforthatsnail]

From a scientific pov, isn't it proven???

From a ' sell.you a product point of view' nope.

Anyways, this isn't a new revelation to me, its been said before. Just, because.I'm bored I thought I might see what happened if I played it differently. Fwiw, I don't expect any other outcome. I do not believe It's down to behaving in a certain way, more so It's just meeting tge right person for you ( at that Time)

[adamschic]

Postpartum, hope the date goes well .

Sponge, I might not completely write him off but make him sweat a bit.

As for giving off a certain something. Friends of mine have often asked how I do it, can you bottle it etc and the fact is that I don't know. I'm nothing special looks wise but would always attract attention wherever I went (male friends words). Bitchy Girlfriends used to accuse me of outrageously, secretly flirting when I was just stood with the crowd. All sounds a bit big headed . Not saying they all wanted to marry me or anything. So nothing changes.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Mrsc, that's entitley what I think will happen too..evidence from this board suggests this as well.

Postbell, sorry, thought I had Said about it. Good luck!!!!!

Sponge, hmmmm. I don't know. Id see what his next course of action is, if he is appolgetic and sets somethihg up, then yes, if not, id leave him.to himself!!

[hatesponge]

I'm not entirely sure either. If it's true it reminds me very much of something my Ex would do, and therefore irritates me. Or it is BS, and he had a better offer (unlikely of course because I am so wonderful ) or just was a bit tired and CBA, and either way didn't think I was important enough to text and put off - and then a few days later thought he might want to see me again after all...

Like I said if the ridiculous attraction wasn't there he would be history. My head is not making this decision so far

[adamschic]

Sponge, see if he makes an effort and then decide, but don't have high expectations, then you might be pleasantley surprised.

[MyLittleMiracle]

I saw an ex today, in town, but we just smiled and walked on by. He is just the same as he was looks wise, but we didnt stop to chat. Just a smile was enough for us, an acknowledgement of what had once been.

I did get chatted up today, and he was good looking, i suppose, but not my type iykwim?

I did get a look (or three) from someone as well, maybe i was looking particularly hot today, i dont know, or maybe the stress being lifted is making me see these things more, and maybe i am starting to exude confidence and life!

[ParsleyTheLioness]

MLM go back up the thread, many posts have been addressed to you today.

[MyLittleMiracle]

I know, and i will be safe, always, cos i need to be, cos who looks after my little boy is anything happens to me, But there is nothing wrong with a little flirting, no number swapping or anything?

I will always stick by the code, and i will of course tell you if i am going on a date, and of course let you know as soon as i get back. I have found a babysitter, in actual fact although she is ofsted registered etc, and everyone is going to say how do you know she is okay, she is actiually a school friends mum, and actually doesnt do childminding as a profession any more, but is still registered (only just left, and still does a bit occasionally) and she will look after little man for me, so i know he is safe. I done this in preparation for court etc, so i already know she can take him.

IF i decide to meet him, you will all know and just so you know for certain, i will take one of your numbers, and text one of you, as soon as i get back, just so you know i am okay.

My last date, i ALLOWED to walk me to the BUS STOP, to get the bus home, i got on a bus that has an hour and 10 minute route, and could live anywhere on that route. He seemed nice enough, but no chemistry. We still chat a bit though. I am young i know, i am vunerable which is exactly why i will not let any one take advantage of me, ever. I know the signs, and the first sign i will be gone. I am not stupid, far from it. Always in a public place, always somewhere away from where i live, but also, and this is important to me, but somewhere i am familiar with, so that i know where to go if under threat. iykwim? So i feel safe.

I am not going in blinkered. Everyone has a past and so do i. My ex BIL has a major past, o.b (not real name) has mega history, god i know someone who done time for murder and he is lovely, but quite shy now.

He was drunk when he told me, and he said, he didnt want me to get my hopes up to find out, that he isnt what i thought he was. I am always honest and it leaves me open i know, just somethings i dont tell, cos they hurt too much to tell anyone. Maybe i should tell my best friend these things, she would understand. Her partner has been in prison on more than one occasion, he served 6 years, and she stood by him, he isnt a bad person, he looked after me, and helped me get away from the ex. So he cant be that bad right? He is a twat, yes i acknowledge that and very selfish, but not a bad person.

[Snapespeare]

You know we have your best interests at heart MLM, we're not nagging. :) that's what MM is about. :) & do tell your best friend. :) she knows you so much better than any of us.

Stay safe. :)

[Snapespeare]

Oh Christ, so many :) 's (!)

[MyLittleMiracle]

You do have my best interests at heart, all of you always have done. I think i will meet him, and see what happens, my little boy will be safe, it will be in public and i am thinking of going to a pub, in which i know the bar man, and will check when his shifts are. Sounds safe, or as safe as possible right?

Thank you all, for your concern and sharing your wise words of knowledge and experience.

[Tollysfolly]

hi, I've been lurking for a while here and readin some of the posts encouraged me to sign up to POF. so far I'm chatting nicely to three men... one who we ended up swapping emails and send little messages all day (for a few weeks now) another who strangely only lives 10 doors away from
me but we don't know each other.. he's only recently brought the house! and another who I'm meeting tomorrow night for an hour while ds2 is in beavers. h is a prison office and actually recognised me from when I used to work at the hospital and he brought prisoners In for treatment. i vaguely remember him and apparently I used to give him a sticker for being good, which I do remember always giving one of them a sticker. he's nice enough to chat with but not sure about his profile picture. but I'll see what I think of him in person tomorrow :)

[MyLittleMiracle]

Good luck tollysfolly hope it goes well for you. Sometimes love is right on your doorstep, but you have just passed it by!

[watchoutforthatsnail]

mylittle - god, i dont know what to say. Obviously its your choice, its up to you. You have been given some fab ( and unamious) advice.
Why was this man drunk and calling you?

urgh - enough, because its all crazy, its such a bad choice. But it is your choice.

[PostBellumBugsy]

soooooooooooooooooooooo, my date!

He was shorter than me. I did wear heels, but I'm fairly sure even without them he would have been shorter than me. He was decidedly portly too. I did not fancy him at all & could never in a million years imagine myself bonking him. However, I did like him & we had an interesting & stimulating conversation.

I turned down the offer of a spa day (weird, but nicely intentioned I think) but have accepted an invite to join him for dinner.

Do you think I can manage his expectations and be friends with him?

[lovesineffable]

you might find him attractive as you get to know him more??
But if not i expect he'll always be trying to 'conquer' you..could be a right pain in the arse?

[PostBellumBugsy]

I think I would like him as a person very much - but the thought of naughty action between the sheets - or anywhere else for that matter - leaves me completely cold.
Do I spell it out bluntly and say I just want to be friends - or just let it progress, but repell his advances. I'm never very good at this kind of thing & think I miss out on the opportunity to develop friendships.
Probably over-analysing after just one date!

[lovesineffable]

if I (through internet dating) met a bloke that I wanted to get it on with, and he told me he just wanted to be friends, I would leave it, rather than constantly be reminded that he'd rejected me.

perhaps mr short and portly might be ok with it, but I suspect it would be tricky:)

[watchoutforthatsnail]

postbel - sorry, thought it was tonight, bit confused with my days.

hmm, i would say, if you are 100% sure that you dont want to date/ have sex/ any kind of relationship bar friendship, that is not nice to go out with him again, because he will be under the illusion that you like him.

If you tell him that you dont think its going to happen, but would like to be friends and then its up to him.

i know its not nice, but its kind of better and less hurtful in the long run.

[PostBellumBugsy]

I think you are both right. It wasn't like we just bumped into each other - he contacted me on a dating site. He isn't approaching me just to be friends.

He's just texted to confirm the dinner for this weekend. I'll email to say that I see him as a friend, rather than anything more. Aaargh - how do I make it sound unhurtful?

[watchoutforthatsnail]

no, he isnt. hes approaching you for dating and a possible relationship/ sex

Its not someone you have bumped into in a pub and get on well with, its totally different.

I dont know anyone that has managed to actually be friends with somone who they have had a ' date' with and then been rejeceted by ( in saying, i would like to be friends)

I would just email him and say you have been thinking and you cant see a relationship happening between the two of you, and that you are sorry but wont be going to dinner ( i cant see how you can after saying that)

Short and to the point, no need to dress it up as something its not.
Its going to be hurtful no matter how you say it, but less hurtful than stringing him along for a few weeks getting his hopes up.

[hatesponge]

I think it's better to get these things over and done with sooner rather than later, and agree no need to dress it up.

I am yet to decide what to do about my Friday night no-show. I do really want to see him again but part of me thinks he is not worth the bother...

[adamschic]

He he, the 'I only want to be friends' is like a kick in the balls to men, so I've heard, but what can you do. I bet he's heard it before, poor lamb .

I formed a sort of friendship with a guy I met via a dating site. He contacted me on speed date years ago but a friend knew him and that he was still living with his gf so I ignored him. Then he contacted me a couple of years ago via POF now he was officially separated. I told him I knew of him and had mutual friends with his ex and he was OK with it. We went out twice and both liked each other but he was newly separated and not in the right place so it petered out. We still chat now and I sent some business his way and would gladly meet him for a cup of tea if he moved back my way.

But in the main, I guess it's best to let them down gently and not waste anyones time on 'friends'.