Fuck Him and his Barbour - dating chat 10

[watchoutforthatsnail]

New thread - you know what to do :)

[MyLittleMiracle]

Something stupid. Just got into a fight, and the other chap, who was about 20 years older at the time and started it came off worse. Unfortunately the police were there, so they both got charged. We all make mistakes.

And the way i look at it is. My baggage, lets list, and i wont include our kids, cos they are blessings not baggage.

I have been abused
I am scarred, physically
I used to suffer from an eating disorder,
I suffer from PND
I am epileptic
I am on other meds
It is most probable i will never have any more kids,
I had a bad upbringing
I am getting a divorce
I have done bad things
My sister was violent to me and my mum as a kid
I moved out at 16
I miscarried twice, and still cry occasionally.


His baggage

He was married
He went to prison

It hardly adds up??

He was young and stupid and foolish and has learned his lesson, there are plenty of youngsters out there who have. And how many young lads have got into a fight?

[MyLittleMiracle]

I'll be back later, have to go mediation now.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

mlm - that is not a long baggage list, in fact most of it is not ' baggage' its just things that have happened. You are looking at yourself as being ' damaged goods' and therefore not worthy of anyone.

Really, seriously., with all my being, i am worried about you. You need to work on your self esteme right now, your life, how you feel before you even think about meeting anyone.

None of those things on your list mean you dont deserve someone amazing.. And fwiw, my list of things probably is way longer.. but then it would be, because i am older... these are just ( on the whole) life things, and not things to trade off aganist on a list.

Do you have any/ much support?

[watchoutforthatsnail]

let me tell you why i decided not to see the surfer again. He was a little pissed off about it, as he thought we had got on really well, and the sex was good.
BUT

• after he mentioned how once he had drunk drove with his child in the car after his tent blew away at a festival ( he could have just camped in the car? no?)
  
• how he smokes a lot of weed ( im sorry, however uncool, i am anti drugs) and how his childs mother is a crack head.
  
• how they argue about money and how he doesnt see why he should pay her anything as he has his daughter 15 days out of 30.
  

Now, even as just a fwb, just sex, i could not compromise my morals enough to see him again. I just couldnt.

This is the point about having standards and knowing what you want. I wanted sex, i got sex, and then when the offer for more was there, i didnt accept it, because he fell under what standards i have... even for casual sex.

And if it means im single for longer, or single forever, then i dont give a shit, because i will not compromise mine ( nor potentially my childs) morals/ life/ standards/ upbringing/ family unit/ experiences etc...etc...

[PostBellumBugsy]

Yay for Poppa.

MLM - take care. Don't bank on this guy being the one for you - it is easy to project onto someone you haven't met. You sound like you are investing a huge amount of time & emotional energy in him.

I'm such a hard bitten old cynic, I don't even like texting before I've met someone. It is so easy to get sucked into a "relationship" of texts & emails - when actually there may be ZERO chemistry. You then meet up & feel so disappointed.

I'm also incredibly wary about what I tell dates. I'm certainly not going to tell them that my ex was an emotional bully with a violent streak, because the nasty predator type men pick up on this & use it to their advantage.

Quite a few of us on here are old enough to be your mum & we probably care more about you - even though we don't know you properly either - than any potential date will do at this stage. We wish you well and any concern is from years of experience - all learnt the hard way!

Now on to me - drinks tonight with the short, Welsh man. Don't hold out much hope - but you never know!

[PostBellumBugsy]

Well done Watch - very wise decision. Looking forward to hearing all about the demure approach goes too!!

[Snapespeare]

prison? for a fight? really? with no previous?

Your list of 'baggage' is a list that could easily lead to low self esteem, which can in turn lead to bad decisions (in retrospect!) in our personal lives. Added together they might make for low-resiliance and the the subsequent things that happen just feel worse, because you've alreday been knocked for six a little.

telling a certain type of person these personal details gives them the green light to add to your list (I'm not saying your potential chap is one of these types... I'm saying be carfeul about what you divulge)

the easiest thing in the world when horrid things happen, is to curl up in a ball and wish for someone else to stroll along, wave a magic wand and make everything better! if only! By all means see this chap in the next couple of weeks when it's easier, but proceed with caution. In the meantime, spend the time you have re-evaluating your life, working out what you want. I think it's highly unlikely that there are prince charmings (but there are certainly princes amongst men) Don't put all your eggs in one basket, don't set all your hopes in someone else - have your hopes for you and your child - and if someone else can add to those, that's great.

Hope that mediation went as well as can be expected and I am truly sorry to hear about your miscarriages. There is a lot of support on Mumsnet for all of lifes slings and arrows - like Hogwarts, help is there for those that ask for it. :)

[Snapespeare]

yeah, sorry snort! at watch and her demure approach.

I think watch has the right attitude though - there would be massive red flag wavers that I wouldn't be happy with and I'm not prepared to compromise to the extent that I lose sight of myself and my moral stance...

..and that is why I am single (and I'm fat. and covered in tattoos... and I seldom brush my hair... or wear make up...oh, and then there's the herpes... and I'm opinionated and... and... and..... )

[watchoutforthatsnail]

hey, dont snort at my well thought out ' be demure' plan. lol hahahahahahahahahahaha :) :) :) :)

it followed a very frank conversation with a male friend, ( no history, but no holds barred type friendship) Who told me i was too damn sexual and experimental, and ' normal' men would get turned on and then scared. lol
This may be true - i am very sexual, and confident in my sexuality and forward about that kind of thing.
But im also super nice, and kind, and caring and funny etc, etc... ( and modest)

So - im attempting to be coy, in an experiment that can only fail. lol

[watchoutforthatsnail]

oooh, you need to hear what im planning on wearing on sat, im going all girly on him. haha. There will be skinny jeans, but there will be flowers, and less eyeliner and NO BLACK.

this to be honest, will provide me with enough amusement, in spite of how well the date goes. Am trying very hard to keep a lid of the sexual side of me. Bloody hard though, last night he was texting about massages, and foot rubs with gentle touches... and then asked if he was being too forward....

id probably eat him alive.
:)

[watchoutforthatsnail]

and yes, high five to my right attitude.

:) :) :)
MLM - its take me to the age of 33 to get this right attitude, i have compromised and over looked and made excuses for people in the past, or thought i should give them a chance, or actually just doing what you are doing. And then ive lost sight of myself, made comprimises a step to far.

I only wish, aged 18 - 22 i had had the confidence to stand up and say ' no, i dont agree with that, you are dumped' or ' no, i am not comftable with that - its over'

but i didnt. And life was not better for it, it was worse, a lot worse.

[hatesponge]

MLM, I have to agree with all of the advice on here.

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years with my Ex. It was the worst time of my life, worse in some ways than losing my parents. I felt utterly hopeless and helpless, I thought I would never escape it, and the sense of freedom and joie de vivre I felt when I did get out was amazing. I do realise that such a relationship has made me vulnerable and have tried to learn from it (not always successfully - but I have dodged a fair few red flag type men since). It's an ongoing process. I can see that I am now in a much better place personally than I was 2 or 3 years ago, and have a lot more confidence in myself and my decisions. I can also see how and why I fell into it in the first place which hopefully is a mistake I won't make again.

Re this guy having been in prison. Yes, people make mistakes, learn from them and move on. Often they do build successful lives. I know all manner of shady characters through my own family BUT going to prison is a big deal. You don't just go there for a fight - it would have had to have been GBH, or wounding. And possibly not a first offence. He might be a lovely man. But I would be wary. IME ex-offenders (if they are really reformed) would be very reluctant to tell anyone about their past. My concern with this guy is that he's telling you to draw you in and create a false sense of closeness etc. He might be totally genuine. He might be entirely reformed. but if you were my sister, or my daughter, and knowing you were fresh out of an abusive relationship, he really is not someone I would want you to get involved with. However nice he is.

[hatesponge]

Watch, I think it's worth at least trying a slightly different tack. I remember Time saying (where is Time by the way? I miss her brilliant advice) if you do what you always do, you'll get what you've always got - or something like that. I use it as my justifcation anytime I think of doing something Iwould not normally do!

I am fine btw. Friday's no-show may have a reason. I am not sure yet whether to give him the benefit of the doubt over it. If I did not feel a ridiculous amount of chemistry between us I know I would not even consider it. But we'll see...

[ParsleyTheLioness]

MLM please take onboard what others, and I have said. It is unlikely this WAS a first offence, by his own admission the other guy was a lot older, and came off a lot worse. Sounds like he left him in a really bad way doesn't it. In the past men have homed in on my vulnerabilities. It's incredible how they do it really. Men who are really nasty pieces of work, but have a sixth sense for a woman whose basic sense of self-worth is so low that they will tolerate their shit, particularly if they start out gradually, and then up the ante over time. Please try and develop a layer of self-protection, it really seems like you need to, love. And I say that from a position of caring, with no other agenda.

[dogfish]

Bloke here. Generally a cynical lurker but am having to make an exception in this case.

MLM, this man has told you he has done time before he has even met you, not as a confession but because, whatever he says, he is actually proud of it and knows you will find it attractive. If he was really ashamed of it he would have waited till after you had met the 'changed man' he is today. But instead he is using it as a selling point. And he has not even been honest. You do not go to prison in the UK for 'getting into a fight' that the other guy started, at least not without some major previous convictions. You do prison time for beating the living daylights out of someone on minimal provocation, which is almost certainly what he did. If he was really sorry about this he would have told you the truth. You find what he did so exciting that you are making plans about this guy before you've even met him, and thinking about your defenceless child spending time with this man. Nuts if you ask me. Which admittedly you didn't..

[Snapespeare]

it's really difficult - isn't it. It's a bloody minefield at times - wanting to meet someone when the relationship with the father or mother of your children has failed - whether it is by aimicable consent or because of abuse or DV or all the little points inbetween.

It's made more difficult because you are a bit lonely, you're sick to the back teeth of doing everything on your own, want someone for 'yourself' to share time with and have sex but dogfish is right - you have a responsibility to yourself to be in a good place before you start the whole disappointing dating game and a responsibility to your child to not give the green light to another abusive tosser.

Why go through all the stress, heartache and trauma of leaving an abusive relationship only to enter into another one. I'm not saying that thisparticular bloke or all men in general are evil abusers blah blah boring blah - I'm saying that there are some men who will be rather clever in targetting vulnerable women with a history of being abused.

Protect yourself, protect your child. thats your job. Don't go all cow-eyed about a bloke off the internet who has spent time inside for a 'fight' because time inside for a 'fight' implies to me that he has been quick to temper, has used his fists to settle an argument and was not mindful of the consequences of his actions.

'oh but he wouldn't hit a woman...'
'he said it was because....'
'the other bloke provoked him...'
'he's changed...'
'it was a mistake'
'it was a long time ago'

I remember that first lovely really exciting bit when you're chatting with someone and you just seem to click, but FFS, step back, get a bit of context - by all means meet him if you're open to a second chance, but make sure someone knows where you are going (if you don't want to admit IRL that you are dating, inbox one of us with the details of where you are going & arrange to call one of us when you are home-safe etc) I'm not calling you daft and I don't want to scaremonger, but absolutely stick by the internet dating rules - public place, coffee, no lift home, no walking you to your door etc.

I'm sorry. I don't want to be on your case - truly, I don't because by all accounts you've had a rough time and deserve happiness; I'm looking out for you and imposing the 'wisdom' of my many, many years. You can see a brief glimpse of what you define as happiness and you're grabbing at it with both hands. Please, please think very caerfully about this.

[adamschic]

Haven't time to catch up properly, but I hope you find some of the advice on here helpful My little, it really is very wise advice.

Watch, you don't need to change your personality or dress sense, just don't put out of the first date. Been trying to hint at this for months but I was told I was a judgemental old fuddy duddy .

Hi to everyone else.

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Adams, I dont always, I have said that many times before too :)

Just that my open manner, sexually, apparently comes across even when the conversation isn't about sex. Confusing.... But said by a male friend I've known for 20 odd years.

I don't dress provactivley, never have done. I'm not shagging everyone, I'm not talking about sex the whole Time.

So????

Just thought I would try a different approach, because I have nothing better to do :)

[adamschic]

I hope it goes well for you on Saturday, have you decided where you are going?

I haven't got much to report. Went out for dinner on Sat night. Had a wonderful time, as always.

Sponge, what did he say had happened?

[Snapespeare]

watch pheromones? maybe you should squirt yourself with chip vinegar just before the date?

[adamschic]

Snapes, do you think there is any truth in pheromones?

[Snapespeare]

hmm, from a sceincey perspective - probably - i like the bit on wiki about menstraul cycles speeding up based on smell.... from a selling expensive perfume perspective - no not at all. :)

[watchoutforthatsnail]

Bathing liberally in it may help :)

Apparently I just have that thing going on, and its not a bad thing, but is a thing.

I'm not changing my personality or anythihg, just opting for a more demure approach than my normal one. This is also going to include playing hard to get and being a bit more high maintenance....

Anyway, should be interesting.

Posh country pub, half way between the two, mid afternoon...

[PostBellumBugsy]

LOL at chip vinegar!!!!

I think there is something in pheromones. There is an inexplicable chemistry that you can get when you meet somone & it must be down to more than just looks etc. Some institution has done research with sweaty armpit cloths to show that humans are attracted to the scent of certain other humans. (I saw it on the telly, so it must be true!)

As everyone is ignoring my date tonight - I'll mention it again and keep you all posted as to what pheromone action there is!

[hatesponge]

Well...he alleges he came in late from work at 10, sat down for 5 mins before getting ready to come to me and fell asleep til the next morning. By the time he woke up he was in receipt of the text I sent first thing Saturday (which basically called him a tosser, said not turning up without a word was shitty and it was his loss not mine...when I am annoyed/upset I do not mince my words ) and then left it til today to reply to 'give me a chance to calm down'



I am still undecided at present.