Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need clarification re husband and I was asleep

228 replies

beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:07

So I've been reading the 3 panda's thread and have tried to ring rape crisis just for a bit of clarification. Have namechanged today but I have posted on the other thread a few times (I'm not curiousgeorgie).

Not as serious as three pandas situation but it's still bothering me. I have frequently woken up to find my husband touching me up, breasts, mastarbating me, no penetration. I have asked him not to but he falls back to sleep and carries on.

I have woken up to find him 'in me' but this was very early days in my relationship and he was my 1st and only sexual relationship so I thought maybe this is what you do Blush so I let him carry on.

I have asked him to stop waking me in the night but he says he's asleep, I have little ones so sleep is precious and I still have nightmares about previous abuse and waking up to be groped after dreaming about it is quite alarming!

Have talked this through with someone who I feel I can trust and she says that my DH and sex aren't the issue, it's my past getting in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship. Please can you help me clear this up as I'm very confused whether being pissed off with him is right or not? Thank you lovelies x

OP posts:
hopkin · 16/03/2012 11:13

HereIGo : "But you could think: Because I will be with this man forever I must tackle this problem."

How? How can she tackle this problem - which is 100% about her husband's behaviour - alone? Because he has made it very clear that he will not be changing.

Lueji · 16/03/2012 11:33

A big hug, beautiful. :(

You can't fix your abuser husband.
He needs to want to.

Your H doesn't seem to want to.

It might be possible that you can be happy together again, but he needs to sort himself out first.
That's not going to happen if he knows (or even suspects) that you won't leave him.

I do hope you mean advice from a solicitor or from support to abused/raped women.

garlicbutter · 16/03/2012 12:03

Beautiful, you don't have to fight this alone. The cutting means you're crying out for recognition but trying to silence yourself ... that's awfully sad, and certainly not what God or any healthy human would want for a person. There is help.
Please ask them all - elders, your GP, rape crisis, women's aid - and keep on asking.

Every Christian marriage expert I know says a marriage is invalid if one partner can't or won't connect with the basic tenets of equal love, respect and concern. Your H has been assuming your body belongs to him like an object for his personal use, not as a precious and wonderful gift. He's turning his back on his part in your marriage. It is not your fault; you've done everything and more. Please seek all the outside help you can.

I am sending my thoughts your way. Keep posting if you can. x

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 12:11

I don't think it was a good idea to tell him you would never leave him. Perhaps i don't understand but it sounds to me like you were saying "treat me how you like and i will always be here putting up with it". It doesn't tell him that you are serious. That he HAS to do something about it. It just makes it sound not that serious to him. So he can change if he wants but if he doesn't there will be no real consequences.

CrystalsAreCool · 16/03/2012 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ticktock1 · 16/03/2012 12:39

Beautifulrelease I really feel for you. I don't have any advice I'm sorry, you have already had a lot of good advice, I wanted to reply because a similar thing happened to me on Monday night. I was asleep slightly passed out (I'd had a few drinks) and half woke to find my DP touching me, his fingers inside me. It didn't end with sex and I didn't really realise what was happening. I have felt horrible ever since, this vile feeling in my tummy. To have this happen once was awful enough but to have it repeatedly happen, you poor thing. I really hope you get to speak to someone and get the help you need.

HereIGo · 16/03/2012 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooPooInMyToes · 16/03/2012 12:50

Ticktock. Have you spoken to him about it?

Ticktock1 · 16/03/2012 13:00

PooPooInMyToes sort of, I justified it to myself as 'he knows if I had been awake I would have been happy to have sex' I didn't even think of it as any kind of assult until I read this thread. Nothing like that has ever happened and when I mentioned it DP laughted it off a bit but did say sorry. I hadn't thought about any of the implications till now.

glastocat · 16/03/2012 13:10

What a terribly sad thread. Op, we will be hear for you when you really what this man is doing to you.it really isn't ok you know,normal men do not do this.

beautifulwho · 16/03/2012 15:08

Hello again, just to let you know I've had a long chat with an elders wife today and she has said that my DH has to change or I have every right to walk away. They are coming round on Wednesday to discuss it with him. She said that I need to view what he is doing is no less than adultery, in the sense I do have a right to leave him.

He should never had married me and had children if he wasn't prepared to be a man and lead our family as a loving, caring, selfless DH and dad. I feel better because if it comes to separating then I have the support of the church although I hope he doesn't come to that Sad

Whatever happens I just want to be with someone that's cherishes me as much as Jesus does, I had a dream last night and I was in my wedding dress and I was so excited and I saw how my DH looked at me, like he was proud of me and blessed to be with me. That's all I want, all I have ever wanted is to be cherished. I will update next week if everything is ok until then.

I've been listening to a song today and it reminded me that I do not belong to my husband if he doesn't belong to the Lord. I will always have my faith and that is the main thing, that's where I get my strength from. God loves me know matter what I choose to do xxx sorry if I'm being a bit 'spiritual' but it's what see me through x

garlicbutter · 16/03/2012 15:24

I am so relieved the elder's wife assured you of your rights as a human and as a Christian, beautiful :) Please do keep posting!

oikopolis · 16/03/2012 15:26

i am so relieved that your elder's wife has a good head on her shoulders. there are a lot of people out there in leadership who don't, and i was afraid you would come up against something even worse when you spoke to her. really happy that wasn't the case.

and she was so rigth!! you do deserve to be cherished. you are so precious. you were made to be loved and to love, openly and with joy, not to be treated like this. the way he is treating you is a perversion of the love he is meant to be showing you, it's a mockery of something that's meant to be beautiful.

it is no less serious (i think more serious!) than adultery!! your elder's wife is correct in that. she sounds sensible and i hope she continues to be sensible.

MooncupGoddess · 16/03/2012 15:27

That's great news beautiful. Sounds like you have got things much clearer in your head too. Good luck!

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 16/03/2012 15:31

Oh that does sound better.

Stick with it :)

hopkin · 16/03/2012 15:50

I'm really pleased for you Beautiful :) Good luck for Wednesday.

NettleTea · 16/03/2012 16:28

that is such a relief to hear. From a discussion today i have heard that there is an undertsand that divorce is allowed when there is desertion, and by him commiting sin (ans violation and abuse of power IS sin, as well as criminal assault) then he is effectively deserting his role as father and protector of the family, and not following the true meaning of marriage in a Christian context

Ticktock1 · 16/03/2012 17:26

Good luck with your future, I really hope that you stay safe

CailinDana · 16/03/2012 20:21

I just caught up with the thread. So glad the elder gave you good advice beautiful please hold onto it

Lueji · 16/03/2012 21:06

That's good news. :)
It wouldn't make sense otherwise, and if the elder's wife hadn't supported you, I'd think you should have considered changing religion or community, really.
There's no way Jesus would have condoned staying in such situation.

I just want to be with someone that's cherishes me as much as Jesus does
Obviously, nobody can, though. Wink But anything close would be nice. :)

More seriously, please don't idealise your marriage and your OH. Those dreams are your wishes, really. You need to have a cold hard look at the reality and decide on what you want to put up with.
Just remember that allowing an abuser to stay doesn't help anyone.

beautifulwho · 17/03/2012 21:32

Hello peoples, this might sound a bit odd but I've been looking into things and if my DH decides that he won't change and we separate the bible says I can never remarry Sad. That means my husband has denied me the right to be in a loving, caring, intimate relationship for the rest of my life! SadAngry

So DH has done the washing today (he has never done anything in the house before) and he's tried to be a bit more controlled although he's called me disgusting a few times but I was able to tell him I wasn't and tell him to stop. My DS has started to tell him to 'stop shouting daddy' and he's got delayed speech. I'm so blessed to have my boys. Smile

I don't know why I haven't noticed before but he doesn't trust me with anything, even down to the tiniest detail. I'm always questioned especially about the DC. The more I think about our relationship, the more I look at him and feel sick to my stomach because I love him but don't think he can change. I feel sorry for him, he'll always be alone Sad and so will I because he married me. I'll never be cherished. God, I've never felt so lost. There is hope somewhere, there's got to be?

CailinDana · 17/03/2012 21:38

Why was he calling you disgusting?

You're coming to terms with some really tough stuff. Give yourself time to process it.

This might be a ridiculously ignorant question but can you have a relationship without getting married?

Charbon · 17/03/2012 21:43

Look you really need to ditch this dogma if that's what you seriously believe - that your husband has 'spoilt' you from having any further relationships.

If he is calling you disgusting 'a few times' in one day and a child has had to tell him to stop shouting, then this situation is going to get worse not better and your children are going to suffer from having to witness your relationship.

beautifulwho · 17/03/2012 21:46

I feel a bit ashamed to say. Blush I can't have another sexual relationship (which even though I'm messed up) I long to be in a loving relationship x

Disgusting because Blush my DS was having a nap and I didn't flush the loo just put the loo seat down, when DS woke up DH was going to the loo and I said 'oh hold on I just need to flush the loo' then he started shouting etcBlushBlush

Nyac · 17/03/2012 21:47

Beautiful, why do you feel that rules that apply to everybody else e.g. you can have a divorce, you could have another relationship don't apply to you?

Also why do you feel like you have to have a special set of rules?

It's worrying when these rules are what are allowing your husband to get away with so much abusive behaviour towards you.