Sensitive question about H

[ThreeLittlePandas]

I've been putting off asking this because I'm scared of what your answers might be. I'm really evaluating my relationship with h atm and wondering wether to leave him and I think the answer to my question might heavily influence my decision.

in advance.

Dh and I rarely have sex. When we do it is rather boring but he is considerate.

The other evening I went to bed early as I was desperately tired. I was woken a few hours later my dh who had his fingers in me. I was heavily asleep and by the time I realised what was happening he was having sex with me. He finished quickly and that was it. I really hadn't wanted to have sex and feel like I wasn't given an option. The next day I felt a bit angry and almost violated to be honest.

I'm not looking for anything other than an opportunity to talk this through because it's been bothering me. This is about the third time in the last couple of years that something like this has happened.

And the rest of the time he doesn't come near me for months.

There's no excuse at all for his behaviour IMO. If he wants to see if you're in the mood, he can ask you. Using words. If he wanted to know whether you fancied a cup of tea, would he ask you, or forcibly pour it into your mouth while you were barely awake? Stupid analogy, I know, but you see what I mean?

What is he doing waking you up in the middle of the night anyway, when you've gone to bed 'desperately tired', why do his needs matter more than yours?

It's just horrible whatever way you look at it. It's like when it comes to him wanting sex, he doesn't even see you as a person, as a human being, just as a thing to use.

I'll take your word for it, but personally struggle to see how someone who would even consider behaving like that can be 'basically a good person'.

There is always somebody that comes on these threads to remind women that simply having a relationship is much more important than whether she feels safe and secure within it

Which bit is unbelievable sparkle?

OP, is the only time your husband has sex with you when he does it without your consent ?

Your entire attitude Puffpants, your entire post.

AF I didn't say that so I hope you are not refering to me.

Puffpants - are you serious? Your husband asked you to do that. If you had done it off your own bat and he had asked you not to do it, but you did it again anyway, then yes, it would be assault. It's not difficult to understand the difference, really, is it?

He avoids sex with me. He never ever comes to bed at the same time as me. Even if I wait up really late.

I really have to have a time out. Head is battered.

PuffPants you said "you need to tell him to stop it". She has. Twice.

OP don't feel bad for not saying anything. When my ex did this to me, it took me a very long time to respond. It was like my brain just wouldn't connect up what was happening. I remember thinking "where am I? Is this a dream?" because it seemed so odd and unbelievable to experience being manhandled like a piece of meat.

And for those who say the DH was just having a bit of fun -surely it is blatantly obvious when one partner isn't participating? At the very least you kiss your partner and see if they respond. You don't just stick your fingers into them while they sleep.

Pretty much Af.

Cailin, that's how it was, like a dream.

Puffpants
you have an agreement with your DH that consent is tacit and doesn't have to be given on every occasion. Therefore it is not assault, it is consensual.

OP, what does that tell you about how he perceives you ?

he isn't a good man, really he isn't

That's just the face he presents to the world, and so far you have chosen to go with it, but now you know better

PuffPants the difference here though is that your dh has expressed a wish for you to do this to him, whereas the op has expressed that she felt violated afterwards.

It is not about having to look one another in the eye and saying "is this what you want," it is about being in a position to be able to consent (or not) in the first place.

The op was asleep. She was therefore not in a position to say no, and her husband knew that.

for you, me and anyone else who has to think through these things....

No-one should have to tell their "D"P or anyone else "no" more than once. no wonder you can't believe what is going on.

Pandas, take a break for a little while. Have a cup of tea and a fag. If you don't smoke, take it up

We will still be here. In fact, this thread will run and run now with people arguing amongst themselves. It's how it goes. it's no reflection on you or your situation. Take from this thread just what you need and no more.

Don't listen to the idiots on here who will say that because you didn't scream and claw his eyes out it wasn't rape. Any sane adult knows when their partner is and isn't enjoying sex, it's the most obvious thing in the world. Heck with my DH if I even look a bit spaced out (usually due to tiredness) he immediately says "Are you ok?" just to be sure I'm still enjoying it. That's why I trust him, I know he'll always take my feelings into account, always.

I can understand how you're feeling. Evening thinking about that ex now is making me feel a bit odd and shaky. It's a horrible thing to think about and does overload you a bit.

Yes there's a big difference between waking your partner up in the morning with a kiss or a touch, and shoving your fingers inside them in the middle of the night! Can people seriously not see that?

Are you saying the only time he has sex with you is when you are asleep?

Mumofjz, what is your motivation in posting that? Are you trying to make an already upset poster feel worse?

I hope you never get to learn what it's like to experience something like this.

fab, yes